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Right, so how does one find one self in the obscurity of the Australian National Soccer League…
Christ, they even call it “soccer” instead of football. Damn these barbarians and their blasphemous ways…
Anyway, my dear old father, my the Lord have mercy on his soul, always taught me not to beat around the bush a lot and get straight to the point, so I will. I was out of money, and some obscure Australian club offered me money to train them. Sounds simple, eh?
Almost as simple as the average Aussie when it comes to football…
Adelaide United was the club that called for my help. Well, basically they called for help in an add, and I was the only one desperate enough to respond, but that’s a fact of little importance right about now. As I said, Adelaide United. Rated 5000-1 to win the NSL, the only semi-pro team in the NSL, and a squad made up out of a few old farts and some inexperienced rookies. This side had replaced Adelaide City, who had been put back into the amateur leagues for some obscure reason. Adelaide United managed to get a hold of some of the better * cough * players from City, and replaced City in the NSL. Since no self-respecting coach would take the job, they were forced to seek help elsewhere. In the end, they ended up with me, those lucky *******s. It could’ve been worse, they could’ve ended up with a German…
After signing 6 players nobody else wanted, spending a my whole 0 k transferbudget in the process, my squad was ready to get pummeled by the other teams in the NSL. These were the players I had to work with:
<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre"> | | | | | | | | | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Bar Keeper | GK | | | | Easter Island Statue | GK | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Gazza's Aussie Cousin | SW/D/S C| | | | Obscure Pseudo Greek | SW/D C | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Crocodile Hunter Wannabe | D RLC | | | | Former NFL Running Back | D RL | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Koala Bear Hugger | D RLC | | | | Slightly Above Average | D RC | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Utter ****e | D/M R | | | | Wooden Board | D R | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Pigeon ****er | DM L | | | | Elephant Man | M RC | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Mean Machine* | M RC | | | | Steve I | M LC | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Humper Of Kangaroos | M C | | | | Man Dingo* | AM R | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Prima Donna | AM/F RLC| | | Ret | Wheelchair Renegade | AM/F R | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Low Quality Import Product | F C | | | | Semi Greek Screw Up | F C | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Son Of An Immigrant | F C | | | Fgn | Dodgy Foreign Bloke | S C | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Heskey's Aussie Cousin | S C | | | | Kiwi Sniper* | S C | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Steve II | S C | | | | | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| </pre>
The Guys That Stand Between The Sticks And Try To Stop Shots From The Opposing Team Going In
#1 Easter Island Statue, 20 years old, Australian/Italian
He has the size of one of those renowned Easter Island Statues, and unfortunately the same mobilty as one of those huge statues. His Italian background suggests he’s been on a strict diet of pizza, pasta and linguini since birth. At least his gigantic body covers up ¼ of the goal. The club is thinking of contracting a former Japanese sumo wrestler to compete with Easter Island Statue next season.
#99 Bar Keeper, 20 years old, Australian
He gives a new meaning to the phrase barkeeper. Normally a barkeeper is the guy behind a bar serving drinks to his customers, this guy is a professional goalkeeper who spends most of his time in a bar. Rumours have it he’s a cousin in the second degree of Tony Adams. Signed for free from Adelaide City.
The Lads Attempting To Aid The Guys Between The Sticks By Tackling Opposing Strikers
#17 Gazza’s Aussie Cousin, 33 years old, Australian/English, 18 caps/7goal, SW/D/SC
You take your standard Gazza, and let the burning Australian sun sautee his brain lightly in its own natural juices. Add a drinking habit 200% worse then Gazza’s, scratch about 70% of Gazza’s talent, and presto! The current captain of Adelaide United.
#4 Obscure Pseudo Greek, 29 years old, Australian/Greek, SW/DC
A nutter who likes to drink ouzo, eat feta and dance the sirtaki. He’s not exactly a brilliant defender, but we’re rather limited in our options, so I’m not particularly picky when it comes to fielding players.
#5 Crocodile Hunter Wannabe, 29 years old, Australian, DRLC
A transferfree signing from Adelaide Hills, an experienced centre-back, who was sacked by the Adelaide Hills when he tried to act as Steve Irwin. He held his 8 months old son near a crocodile, but accidentally dropped him. After serving 18 months in prison for manslaughter, his club sacked him. We needed a defender, and signed him.
#3 Former NFL Running Back, 23 years old, Australian, DRL
One of the first Aussies to try and make it in the US NFL league, but he failed, and returned home to play soccer. As soon as we can train him not to pick up the ball, take it in his hands and start running, we can field him more often, without fearing more red cards. A physically strong lad, brilliant in defence.
#24 Koala Bear Hugger, 18 years old, Australian/Fijian, DRLC
A transferfree signing from Adelaide City, renowned for attacking other teams mascotts, men in big, warm and fluffy animal suits aren’t safe when he’s around. Hardly worth fielding, but the attack on team mascotts provide the rest of the team with quality entertainment, so we’re keeping him around.
#2 Slightly Above Average, 29 years old, Australian/Croatian, DRC
As his name would indicate, slightly above average. A decent player, but nothing special. Stand-in for one of the other nutters.
#12 Utter ****e, 20 years old, Australian, D/MR
Again, his name indicates how talented he is. We signed him transferfree from Adelaide Olympic, to act as a back-up in case of an emergency.
#18 Wooden Board, 21 years old, Australian, 1 U21 cap/0 goals, DR
His IQ resembles that of a wooden board, hence the name. He’s one of those stereotypical dumb footballers, plus he’s a blonde, plus he’s an Aussie. He actually makes the wooden board look intelligent, hell, he’d even make a Welshman look intelligent and sophisticated.
A Bunch Of Individuals Who Claim To Be Midfielders
#16 Pigeon ****er, 23 years old, Australian/Maltese, DML
His Maltese ancestry shows quite clearly. His footballing qualities are less obvious to spot, but as said earlier, our options are limited at Adelaide United, so I’m not picky.
#15 Elephant Man, 21 years old, Australian, MRC
Funny story how he got his name. Apparently he tends to go to the same bar as Gazza’s Aussie Cousin and Bar Keeper and dance around on the bar, with his dick hanging out his pants and the pockets of his pants turned inside out whilst yelling “Look everybody, I’m the Elephant Man”. Catchy name, but also the reason why our team is never invited to official NFL dinnerparties and awardshows.
#20 Mean Machine, 26 years old, Australian, MRC
The Aussie version of Roy Keane, only with less talent and more aggression. His diet of red meat and BBQ sauce has made him extremely aggressive, which is good, as long as he’s able to determine which players are on his team, so he can remember not to kick the **** out of them.
#8 Steve I, 23 years old, Australian/Italian, MLC
Steve is the most common name in Australia, right after Bruce and Shane. No Shanes or Bruces in my team, but we do have two Steves. Steve I is the more talented of the two, pacey little winger.
#6 Humper Of Kangaroos, 30 years old, Australian/Italian, 3 caps/0 goals, MC
His brother was kicked out of the country, because he had the same nasty habbit, but with dead Kangaroos. Humper Of Dead Kangaroos plays for Osasuna these days, his older brother has to make do at Adelaide United. Aye, this team harbours a load of perverted and twisted men, jolly good fun training these ****-kickers.
#7 Man Dingo, 29 years old, Australian/Macedonian, 9 caps/0 goals, AMR
Another aggressive Aussie, named after the aggressive dingo, a native predator in Australia. 2 seasons in the Second Bundesliga have toughened him even further, and now he’s back to lead the Adelaide midfield.
#11 Prima Donna, 20 years old, Australian/Serbian, 1 U21 cap/1 goal, AM/FRLC
The hottest talent at the club, but a bit of a cocky lad. He should be capable of catapulting this team into the play-offs.
#14 Wheelchair Renegade, 36 years old, Australian/Italian, 44 caps/17 goals, AM/FR
The assistantmanager/player from the squad, a bit of a globe trotter. He played in Belgium, Holland, Japan and Spain before returning back to Australia. His physique is abysmal, his attitude towards authority is even worse. Gotta love the man.
The Geezers Who Attempt To Score Goals
#19 Low Quality Import Product, 21 years old, Australian/Italian, FC
My collegue before me had this guy flown in from Italy to play for us. I wish he’d left him in Italy. This guy is even worse then the native strikers, something I thought was nearly impossible.
#21 Semi Greek Screw Up, 22 years old, Australian/Greek, FC
Like Low Quality Import Product, only we didn’t import this guy, he was born in Adelaide. Still, he’s crap, and he can leave, but no-one wants him in his team.
#13 Son Of An Immigrant, 16 years old, Australian/Serbian, FC
Mummy and Daddy fled for that mean old Slobodan Milosevic, and they took their talented son along. Now, he plays for us, after we signed him transferfree from Adelaide City’s youth academy.
#22 Heskey’s Aussie Cousin, 19 years old, Australian/Italian, SC
Like his English counterpart, a big and strong lad. Like his English counterpart, he tends to fall over a lot when playing against midget defenders. Unlike his English counterpart, he never scored at least 10 goals a season, so unlike his English counterpart, he is benched at his club.
#10 Kiwi Sniper, 22 years old, New Zealander, 2 caps/0 goals, SC
A Kiwi with a brilliant long range effort, a golden left foot. Unfortunately, his right foot appears to be made out of porcelain, so he tends to get injured from time to time.
#9 Dodgy Foreign Bloke, 23 years old, Solomon Islander, 10 caps/8 goals, SC
Snapped up on a free transfer, after a number of rather unsuccesfull seasons at Sydney United, he promised to score 30 goals this season. Hell, I’d settle for him scoring 10, let alone 30.
#23 Steve II, 23 years old, Australian, SC
The other Steve in the team, not even remotely talented. I told him to take up sportsfishing, or crocodile wrestling, but his contract doesn’t expire until 2006, and we don’t have the money to release him, so I’m stuck with him.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Craig0:
Where the women flow and men chunder?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Aye, well, I don't know about the women, haven't really seen any of those lately.
The season in Australia started with the NSL Challenge Cup, a knock-out competition against some of the other NSL teams. In the first round, we had drawn Newcastle United, the Aussie version.
My first match in charge of United took us to the Energy Australia Stadium in Newcastle (NSW). We naturally went on the attack, as we had nothing to lose, a small crowd of 8,139 cynically cheering us on, expecting the home side to twonk us good. We dominated the first half, but conceded an unlucky goal in the twenty-third minute when Obscure Pseudo Greek deflected a header past our own goalie. We quickly equalised though, a swift counter-attack saw Prima Donna heading in a good cross by Man Dingo. In a pre-half-time goal frenzy, we ran out 3-1, as Prima Donna completed his hattrick. After the break, Newcastles defending was as abysmal as that of their European counterparts, as Man Dingo, Dodgy Foreign Bloke and Gazza’s Aussie Cousin shot us to a comfortable 6-1 win. We missed quite a few chances in the second half, and could’ve won with even bigger numbers.
Next weekend came the second round fixture for the Challenge Cup, a home match against the mighty Perth Glory. There would be no spurning chances today, as Prima Donna put us ahead very early on thanks to a goalmouth scramble. Despite Didgeridoo equalising only a few minutes later, we kept attacking, and overpowering the Perth team in midfield, whilst their static defence had no answer to our fast and mobile strikers. After McDonalds Addict brought down Kiwi Sniper when he was through on goal, Perth had to continue with 10 men on the pitch. Kiwi Sniper slotted home the free kick, making it 2-1 to us. Early in the second half, Kiwi Sniper shot us into a 3-1 lead. Steve I made a great run down the left flank, crossing it in to the penalty spot, where Kiwi Sniper met the ball with his head and looped it over Big Hands. After only a quarter of an hour in the second half the score was 5-1, as Dodgy Foreing Bloke rose to head home Man Dingo’s corner, and Kiwi Sniper scoring his third of the match a few minutes later by volleying home a cross by Prima Donna.
The Melbourne Knights were our opponents in the semis, we had to face the Knights twice, to go through to the final. The away game was played on cruise control, as the Knights were shocked after a Blitz start by United. We came out charging for the goal, and scored two fast goals. Dodgy Foreign Bloke got in another goal, after goalkeeper Tiny Tim couldn’t hold on to a long shot by Mean Machine, and Prima Donna made it 2-0, jinxing past Concrete Slab and chipping the ball over Tiny Tim from 25 yards out.
For the return game against the Knights, I had the luxury of sticking with the eleven that had gotten us this far already. We were keen to attack against the weak Knights and we overran them in the opening exchanges. It took us twenty minutes to open the scoring, a quick team movement down the pitch culminating in Prima Donna volleying Kiwi Snipers header easily beyond goalie Tiny Tim. Four minutes after the opening goal, Dodgy Foreign Bloke made it 2-0, scoring an easy tap in right in front of goal after Prima Donna did the hard work. After the break we kept on attacking, trying to go for a third goal. Kiwi Sniper and Dodgy Foreign Bloke came close several times, but it was Prima Donna who scored his second of the match, making it 3-0 in the sixtyfourth minute with a good header after Steve I’s cross.
In the Challenge Cup final, we faced of against South Melbourne. It took us a mere 2 minutes to take the lead. Kiwi Sniper was fouled in the box by Roughian, and Man Dingo converted the spot-kick. South Melbourne tried to force in an equaliser by using physical violence, but our players proved to be better at street fighting, and South Melbourne saw Knobhead, Easy As Pie and Sour Cream leave the pitch injured. A few minutes before time, Mean Machine scored the decisive second goal, heading Former NFL Running Back’s cross past goalkeeper Funny Haircut.
Rock on, our first trophy was in the bag. Not bad for a team with 5000-1 odds stacked against it for the title this season. This might be the beginning of something beautifull.
Okay, I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt, since you hadn't actually broken any forum rules.
And although this isn't technically an update - but may be at some point - yet, I see no point in telling us how your team is getting on if you can't continue the story.
So, full marks for effort, nil points for reading and comprehension of forum rules.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by turnip:
Okay, I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt, since you hadn't actually broken any forum rules.
And although this isn't technically an update - but may be at some point - yet, I see no point in telling us how your team is getting on if you can't continue the story.
So, full marks for effort, nil points for reading and comprehension of forum rules.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Sorry, missed out on that one. Feel free to close/delete this thread.
Living In The Land Down Under 
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