retired_bigsean999

STILTON?

retired_olechka

Would either be the time I had been drinking and was sleeping in my gf's house and I slept-walked into bed with her 12 year old sister and her friend and proceded to bite her on the arm when she tried to get me out

or

the time I had been drinking and was was sleeping in my gf's house (notice the theme?) and I slept-walked into bed with her parents, naked, not sure how long I was there but I woke up with a jolt and looked around to see her dad's face, luckily he was between me and her mother. I made a bolt for the door and was only in bed 10 seconds when her dad got up and went to the bathroom.

retired_the gizmo

did you locate said cheese via google toolbar?

retired_Frappin'

From camp in the summer.

Went away with some mates.

One of my mates Sam was looking to score with this girl, she wasn't particulary pretty but he got in there. Later that day he comes back to the tent, saying how he's got to get rid of her and would we be able to help.

Now we came up with the plan to have her do something with one of us lot and then Sam could just worm his way out of it and everybody wins. So Jesse volunteered and did Sam the favour of letting him have an easy way out. He only got off with her, but it was enough.

So Jesse comes back looking really pleased with himself until Sam tells us how she gave him a blow job just before he came back to the tent.

So Jesse basically mopped up any love juice from her lips.

I can see why I dropped English, I've just made a good story look $hit.

retired_mmmelt1

I've heard you tell them on here before, but still funny. What were the repercussions of the sister thing by the way? Not allowed over anymore?

retired_tanuja

I've got a better one about a drunken birthday party, but I've already told that here in the past so I'll reveal another of my corkers...

I was on the way down the M1 to London late one Sunday night, when the traffic suddenly builds up and you get the expected people ramming on the brakes. Person in front of me stopped, I stopped safely behind him, but then there's that sudden moment of dread when you look in your rear-view mirror and see a car going the sort of speed that you instantly KNOW they won't be stopping...

Crunch.

I whack on the left indicator and navigate my way across from the inside lane to the hard shoulder, whilst trying to keep track and ensure the guy who hit me is actually following me over. A few seconds pass and I suddenly realise I can no longer see the guilty party - but wait a sec - who the **** is that speeding off!? Not having that you ****ing bastard!!!

So it's foot to the floor and chasing after him time again. I weave through a few cars and get behind him, start flashing, indicating, flailing my arms around in some crazy type of stop signal until he eventually pulls over. I immediately start typing his car reg into my phone - but before I've got it all he's floored it again and is off! I catch up with him again, start pulling alongside and screaming at him but he refuses to stop. So the only thing I can think of is to ring the police.

Whilst still following the car, I tell the woman on the phone that someone's crashed into the back of me and is refusing to stop, so they ask for the number plate, and with that important bit of info tell me to stop following them and pull over to give them the rest of my details. The police will be after him further down the road...

So I sit there and start giving name, address, car details, accident details, etc, but then one minute later a car pulls up behind me with a smashed up front...

Mindzei

i have lost my wrists

retired_ks reddy

Your bird's dad is indeed the world's most tactful man. You should tell Ireland to make him ambassador to China or something.

retired_sedimohasel

No more masturbating for you then...

retired_serenity_0304

1994 i went to wembley to watch man u v oldham semi final (hughes's volley :cool.
anyway on the way home fell asleep on the coach on the way back as did everyone else i went for a sleep walk, went to the front of the coach told the driver it was my stop coming up, so he lets me off.
get off the coach and finally wake up only to find that im stranded on the m1 near peterborough no coach and very worried obv.
i look over the the otherside of the motorway and there was a bp garage, so i danced with death to get to the garage, use the payphone to ring my parents in hartlepool.
4 hours later my dad arrives at the garage to take me home. :thup: