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Author’s Note If anyone has been reading my Planet Phutebol story you will have realised that I am quite keen on anagrams. So for a bit of fun I am setting myself an anagram challenge. I will see how far I can get in my management career using players whose names make really good anagrams, irrespective of their playing ability. My backroom staff will be selected on the same basis. Now let’s see how long it takes before I get fired!
July 2001
Hi, Big Bob de Veer here. I have just been appointed as the new manager of English Second Division side Cottony Nuts and I am on my way to the Waldo Enema stadium to meet with the Chairman Dr. Arin Obstacle.
Dr. Obstacle tells me that the Cottony Nuts board expect the club to attain a respectable league position this season. Unfortunately we are £5M in debt and there are no transfer funds available. Before meeting my backroom staff I take a quick tour of the stadium. The Waldo Enema is an all-seater stadium with a capacity of 21,500 although our training facilities need some investment.
After my initial chat with the staff I have quickly realised that there are some changes required – the anagram quality is rather poor and must be improved. Here are my comments on their anagramability.
Cottony Nuts Staff Review
Assistant Manager - Zag Library (Gary Brazil)
Somewhat contrived and unnatural – I’m sure that there are better out there so we will be looking to replace Zag pretty quickly.
Coach - Juan Thong (John Gaunt)
Not bad at all – plausible and vaguely amusing.
Coach - Rex Pofet (Peter Fox)
Will do in a pinch but I’m sure there are better alternatives.
Scout - Eva Almonds (Dave Salmon)
Quite acceptable – Eva will stick around for the time being.
Scout - Inky Broncos (Nicky Robson)
Not a bad anagram but again a bit contrived, so Inky may not last too long at Cottony Nuts.
Scout - Enid Mason (Simon Dean)
Another perfectly acceptable if unimaginative anagram – stay where you are Enid.
Physio - Garry Creole (Roger Cleary)
Pretty good – it has that exotic touch that I like without being over the top.
There is clearly some work to be done in strengthening the staff. We'll take a look at the players next. Do we have any world-class anagramationists hidden in the squad?
Recarbonises Handrail (Alessandro Barcherini, 15, GK)
Clever but it just doesn’t feel right somehow. That’s the problem with these foreigners – their names are anagrams already. Carbo may play his way into the team; only time will tell.
Sue Delaney (Saul Deeney, 19, GK)
Simple yet elegant, Sue could be contesting a starting position here.
Sandra Gutter (Stuart Garden, 28, GK)
Perfect, just perfect. Get yer kit on Sandra, you’re in the team.
Damsel Helen Plinth (Stephen Mildenhall, 23, GK)
I don’t rate this one too much – let’s give it a few weeks and see if it grows on me.
Megs Girth (Greg Smith, 16, GK)
Don’t waste my time with this rubbish! Get on your bike and get out of here.
Defenders
Airbag Calhoun (Ian Baraclough, 30, SW/D LC)
A bit of a cracker this one and straight into the first team.
Stanchion Felon (Nicholas Fenton, 21, SW/D C)
A minor classic I think – what a great football reference.
That Joan Hanson (Jonathan Ashton, 18, D RLC on loan from Erectly Iciest)
This is another one that needs some consideration – it’s a bit cheaty but I might learn to love it.
Lanky Racer (Ryan Clarke, 17, D R)
Nice one – could be pushing for a place in the first team I feel.
Oldish Charmer (Richard Holmes, 20, D R)
Top notch and another name on the teamsheet.
Punjad Punc (Duncan Jupp, 26, D R, on loan from Blind Meow)
Sad, very sad. Get back from whence you came you pathetic effort.
Aldrich Du Birr (Richard Liburd, 27, D/DM RL)
A good attempt at a Germanic/Dutch motif.
Norman Missed (Simon Ramsden, 19, D RC, on loan from Nuns Ladder)
You da man, Norman.
Isaac Intoner (Iain Screaton, 17, D RC)
This is really growing on me – worth a run out from time to time.
Anton Denys (Danny Stone, 18, D R)
Welcome to the team Monsiuer.
Oven Wilkins (Kevin Wilson, 15, D RL)
Another quality anagram – suffice to say that I could have had Winkles Vino.
Faster Mimer (Emmet Friars, 15, D LC)
More gold dust! And look at the options - Safe Trimmer, Maimer Frets, Fat Immerser and Maim Ferrets.
“No Chinos” Kelvin (Kevin Nicholson, 20, D/DM L)
It’s got that nickname feel about it but it needs the “double quote cheat” to make it acceptable. Don’t think that he will last long.
Laurie Ply (Paul Riley, 18, D L)
Nothing special so get over there with the reserves Laurie.
Depleted Piano (Eddie Appleton, 15, D C)
Another one that I shouldn’t like but I do. You can stay DP.
Snead Bootlick (Daniel Bostock, 16, D C)
Pass me my pen, I’m inking this one in. We could also have had Lobate Dickson, Dislocate Knob, Catlike Dobson, Lactose Bodkin or, for da Ali G fans, Talked Bosonic.
Andrei Garlic (Craig Ireland, 25, D C)
A touch of the exotic about this one – first team squad for you Andrei.
Ashcan Flume (Shane McFaul, 15, D C)
The name’s Flume, Ashcan Flume. Don’t laugh, it might just work.
Dearborn Chins (Ben Richardson, 16, D C)
This is another one where I considered some good alternatives including Bernhard Sonic and Inbred Anchors, but Dearborn gets the nod.
Adrian Cornish (Ian Richardson, 31, D C)
Just a bit too ordinary for my tastes. Nothing particularly wrong with it but not good enough to hang around for too long.
Lars Mecca (Marcel Cas, 29, M R)
Not bad at all – it has that fusion feel to it, a kind of East meets West thing.
Rob Reamjaws (James Barrow, 15, M C) Reamjaws indeed! I ask you, who makes this rubbish up? Straight to video for you Rob.
Pablo Dunall (Paul Bolland, 21, M C)
Another one that needs some thought but I can’t see him being around for too long.
Heliogram Chub (Michael Brough, 19 M C)
It’s bizarre but it might just work.
ESP Concerns Mom (Spencer Commons, 16, M C)
Frustrating, as the original name deserves a place in the first team on its own and the anagram is absolutely pathetic. Get on the bus son, next stop Transfer City.
Radar Schmitt (Matt Richards, 15, M C)
Oh yes baby! We could have had Dharma Strict, but Radar just edges it.
Lacy Bagpiper (Craig Appleby, 16, AM R)
I can’t quite put my finger on it but for some reason I love this one. The alternatives included Papacy Gerbil and Gabriel Cappy, and any of them would have worked for me. Grab a shirt Lacy, you’re in the team.
Win Fall Crisis (Willis Francis, 16, AM LC)
Nothing to see here folks, move along. The Transfer Express will take care of this one.
Icy Determined (Eddie McIntyre, 15, AM L)
It’s cool, it’s evocative, it’s in the team.
Creaky Anders (Darren Caskey, 26, AM C)
This boy has “quality anagramationist” written all over him. I was spoilt for choice here and I rejected gems such as Ransacker Dye, Dereks Canary, Dakar Scenery, Scarred Kenya, Scary Kneader and Sneaky Carder. One of the first names on the teamsheet.
Forwards
Kerr Sinus (Kris Nurse, 15, F C)
Borderline – in fact I am of the opinion that the original name is better than the anagram. Get to the reserves and stop that sniffling.
Dylan Sponlap (Danny Allsopp, 22, S C)
A reasonable effort – Dylan will get a few games in the first team.
Teen Slob (Leon Best, 14, S C)
Get in there my son! I didn’t expect this little gem when I first saw his name.
Hatch Yorktown (Tony Hackworth, 21, S C)
Not one of my favourites – competent but uninspiring. We’ll be looking for a replacement before too long.
Sarah Hardun (Shaun Harrad, 16, S C)
Well it’s certainly got that “oh-er” feel about it – start lacing up your boots Sarah.
Raphael Uffnen (Paul Heffernan, 19, S C)
So close to being a classic but let down by a clumsy surname.
Karl Lamdarts (Mark Stallard, 26, S C)
The best of a bad job but I don’t expect Karl to last too long.
Having gone through the squad it is now time to have a look through the list of Free Transfers and Loan Signings that is sitting on my desk. I fire off a few offers and wait to see what happens.
In the meantime Busted Notion offer £22K for Win Fall Crisis. As we are so much in debt every penny is important so I try to negotiate a higher fee. Drab Ford come in with a bid of £28K for Rob Reamjaws and once again I try some negotiation. Busted Notion agree £50K for Win Fall Crisis so off he goes to the Fens. Drab Ford agree to pay £35K for Rob Reamjaws and off he jolly well goes. I must have struck up quite a relationship with Drab Ford manager Lacy Wink because he challenges us to a pre-season friendly at the Waldo Enema, which I agree to. Punjad Punc has his loan terminated – no second rate anagrams here!
Our first free signing arrives at the club as Spaniard Neo-natal Jordan (Alejandro Anton, 25, GK) arrives. That spells the end for Recarbonises Handrail and he is listed. This is closely followed by the arrival of Docile Drunk (Neil Ruddock, 33, SW/D C). This is a good signing as alternative anagrams include Curdled Oink, Crinkled Duo, Dick Roundel and Dido Clunker.
The signings just keep coming. Next through the door is Rodding Tamely (Gary Middleton, 18 F C). More quality as witnessed by these alternatives; Gold Dynamiter, Tardy Modeling, Mangler Oddity and Toddy Malinger.
Before we know where we are it is time for our first friendly as Drab Ford turn up at the Waldo Enema. We lose 2-0 but the performance was OK. The goals came late as we were tiring and the first was an own goal by Stanchion Felon. The really bad news is that Docile Drunk will be out for a month with a calf strain.
I decide that another friendly would be useful and arrange to play another home game, this time against fierce local rivals Informants Ghetto. Before that game we make another signing as veteran Welshman Volatile Unshell (Neville Southall, 42, GK) comes on board as a Player/Coach. The friendly backfires on me as we lose 4-1 and the Board are not happy. What do they know anyway – it was only a bloody friendly!
Another free agent has finally agreed terms with us and Isabel Carthage (Sergei Baltacha, 22, D/DM LC) arrives. After the last friendly fiasco I decide not to arrange any more and just concentrate on getting the squad as fit as possible for the rigorous season ahead. And before we know it we are into the season proper with our first match, a home game against Rag Prank Queerness. A 2-0 defeat follows and once again the Board are unhappy. I thought that we were a bit unlucky as their second goal was right at the end of the game and we hit the post and had a goal disallowed for offside.
For our next match we play Methodical Halt at Our Bandy Park. Another 2-0 defeat and another dressing down by the board. If things don’t improve quite quickly then my management career will be very short-lived.
We have just a short break before we play Mincy Catheters in the League Cup First Round at home. We lose this one 2-1 but at least we got our first goal of the season scored by Lars Mecca. There were also a couple of encouraging performances from Stanchion Felon and Oldish Charmer.
For our next league match we take on Fleeced Shirt at the Lager Taste Stadium. This ends in another 2-0 defeat and there are now newspaper articles criticising the team. I leap to their defence and end up getting an ear-wigging from the Chairman about “not raising the fan’s hopes”. Bullocks – you just can’t win sometimes.
Just before the end of the month Norman Missed finishes his loan and returns home. Our final match of the month sees us at home to Rebooter Pugh and guess what? We get our first win of the season, an excellent 3-1 victory with Dylan Sponlap getting two goals and That Joan Hanson chipping in with one. Docile Drunk was back from injury and captained the side but once again Stanchion Felon was impressive in the centre of defence. I hope that this is a sign of things to come and not a flash in the pan.
We are on the road for our first match this month, visiting Ant Hostage to take on Stoic Trilby. We race into a 2-goal lead in the first 20 minutes with Stanchion Felon and Dylan Sponlap getting the goals. The home team pull one back but we manage to hang for a 2-1 win that sends us flying up the table. As well as the goalscorers, there were good performances from Creaky Anders and That Joan Hanson.
Back to the Waldo Enema to welcome the visit of Earwax Calender. The visitors get a man sent off and we get our third win in a row courtesy of a goal from Lars Mecca. I am pleased with the win but if my strikers could hit the target then we would have had a hatful with the number of chances that we created. We even missed a bloody penalty (I'm looking at you Raphael Uffnen). The opposition keeper, Annoy Celtic, didn't help our cause by playing out of his skin but I am still seriously considering instituting a Cow/Banjo training regime for the strikers.
Next up we have a midweek game against That Lemon Wench at Dan Hardwood. The threat of "specialised" training must have registered as tonight we got most of our shots on target. We even hit the bar once but for the second match in a row we are up against an inspired keeper. Evokes Bot is the culprit this time - I'd probably buy the bugger if we had any money. Mind you, Sandra Gutter wasn't too shabby in goal for us but he was beaten once just before half time and that was enough to break our winning streak and we lose 1-0.
In our next match we play host to Wayworn Decembers. Dylan Sponlap gives us an early lead and it's all pretty even for the first hour or so. Then Karl Lamdarts doubles our advantage before the visitors pull one back. We begin to tire quite badly and they put us under a lot of pressure for the last 20 minutes, but we hang on for a 2-1 win. Sandra Gutter has another good game in goal and Andrei Garlic is solid in central defence but Dylan gets the nod for MOM. We do have one injury though as That Joan Hanson will be out for 3 weeks with strained knee ligaments.
Before our next match we pick up two more free transfers - Jackal Glood (Jack Goodall, 18, AM R) and Verbis Beckett (Steve Tribbeck, 17, SW/D/M LC). Jackal goes straight into the first team squad and gets a place on the bench for our trip to Greek Played to take on Turn Toy Stopcock. I expect a tough match here, as our opponents lie third in the table. My suspicions are proved correct and we suffer a 1-0 defeat. Frankly the scoreline flatters us as we didn't play very well. Perhaps the players were unnerved by the grotesque appearance of the Turn Toy Stopcock Player/Manager, Pollen Tramcar. Now there's a man that fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down!
Our last match of the month is at home to Nun Tow Lot. I want to try out a slightly different tactic for this match. Up to mow I have been playing a 4-4-2 formation but I feel that I don't have good enough wide midfielders to make this work well. I'm experimenting with a 5-3-2 set-up with 3 central defenders and 2 wingbacks. We have some half decent central defenders and I hope that this will give us more stability at the back. We end up with a 1-1 draw and the new approach didn't seem to work too well. We didn't create as many chances as the visitors but we did look OK at the back. Rodding Tamely got his first of the season to give us the lead after an hour but Nun Tow Lot equalised with about 10 minutes left. We'll continue with this formation for the time being though - a few tweaks may help, and anyway the players have got to get used to the switch.
Right at the end of the month we get an addition to the Scouting team as Dutch Scout Skeet Manger (Mark Geneste) arrives. At the same time Eva Almonds agrees to a new contract - would you believe that Citronella Thatch tried to nick my Eva?
For our first match of the month we roll up at Owl Leak Stadium to run around a bit with Be Snarly. They are currently 4th in the table and I expect to get a drubbing but that's not how things turn out. I decide to give our elderly Player/Coach Volatile Unshell a game just to stop his joints seizing up completely and the old fella plays an absolute blinder, pulling off one great save after another. We have a fair few chances ourselves but the old "couldn't hit a barn door" problem is still there - either that or Be Snarly have rigged up some kind of invisible force field around their goal that deflects footballs harmlessly into touch. Anyway, a 0-0 draw is not too bad; never turn down a point away from home, my old Grandmother always used to tell me. Mind you, she was mad as a brush by then - she thought that she was Billy Hankels for some reason!
Before our next match I have to deal with a very negative story in the local paper, the Nottingham Peeving Snot, suggesting that Lars Mecca shouldn't be in the team. I leap to his defence, saying that they need to give him more time to settle in and that he was a pretty good anagram by Second Division standards. It seems that I did exactly the right thing as the fans, the Chairman and the player himself all think that I'm the bees knees. In fact Lars told the paper that he was so pleased to have my support that he would be happy to have my babies (well not quite, but he was bloody grateful).
Tandem Inflows are our next visitors to the Waldo Enema. They are second in the table so this time I really do expect a bit of a slapping. Sandra Gutter is back in goal as poor old Volatile can barely stand upright after his efforts last week. As I expected we lose 2-0. As I did not expect, there is a protest by the fans after the match. Remembering what happened the last time I defended the team this time I let rip, telling the Supporters Club that the players were a waste of space and that they should all be tortured to death and then minced up in a big industrial mincer and then buried under a patio somewhere. OK, not really, but I did say that we needed to make some changes before the next match. Well shaft me sideways if the blinkin' Chairman doesn't give me earache for that too!
The FA Cup draw comes as a bit of light relief and we are drawn against Conference side Arthritic Vino Chow at Hickman Warp.
I was as good as my word for our next game, a midweek match against Bert Frond at their home Parking Riff. There were wholesale changes to the team and, in a stroke of tactical genius, it brought us a fine 2-0 win. Actually, I left out all the players that were knackered and brought in ones that weren't. Anyway, it worked and Jackal Glood scored from the penalty spot and Dylan Sponlap got the second.
Our next league match is at home to Daffy Critic who are currently lying 4th in the table and are one of the favourites for promotion this season. We will do well to avoid a defeat here. We do not do well, we are beaten 3-0 and the board are unhappy again. Personally I thought that the score line flattered the visitors. It looked as though we would go into the break scoreless until they nicked a goal just before half time. They got their second two in the last 7 minutes when our boys were tired from chasing the game looking for an equaliser. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The press are at it again, this time the Peeving Snot have a go at Andrei Garlic. Once again I defend the player, pleasing the fans and the Chairman, but not a word of thanks from Andrei himself. No telephone call, no letter, not even a postcard - ungrateful sod.
No rest for the wicked with another midweek match as we travel to Torn Pen Park to play Overarm Renters. They are only a point behind us and this is a game that I really want to win. I explain this very carefully to the players. "They are only a point behind us and I really want to win this game", I tell them. I speak slowly and clearly to make sure that they understand. Footballers are not the brightest people in the world but my lot are particularly dense. In fact if they were any more stupid they would have to be watered twice a week.
So to the match and it seems that the boys were paying attention as we get a 2-1 win. Hatch Yorktown and Pablo Dunall grab a goal each in the first half but Overarm Renters pull one back in injury time before the break. In a hard-fought second half we manage to hold on for the win and three very valuable points.
We round off a very busy month with a home match against Wichita Tangle. They are quite a few places above us in the table so simply avoiding defeat would not be a bad result. In fact we go one better by recording a 1-0 victory courtesy of a penalty ten minutes from time, coolly put away by Heliogram Chub. I must confess that we mainly owe the win to Sandra Gutter who had a great game in goal. It was a funny old game actually, as we had most of the possession but Wichita Tangle had most of the chances. Lars Mecca picked up an injury during the game and he will be out for 10 days or so. The win lifts us up to 9th in the table - our highest league position of the season so far. It's all very tight though, with 5th to 14th seperated by just 5 points.
Big Bob de Veer – A German, A Ragman 
:thup:
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