retired_amyslack

March 2003

March dawns with a home game against Hitherto Unarmed as we try to continue our push for the Premiership. Top scorer Carr Clot is sidelined with a minor injury so Karl Lamdarts starts in attack. The first half ends scoreless as we struggle to find our attacking rhythm but the visitors take the lead early on the second period. As the clock ticks down it look like we will start the month with a defeat but Aloof Oral Pain grabs a valuable equaliser in stoppage time.

A few days later we are on the road for a midweek outing at Fidel Highroad to play Vet Tory Cynic. Our opponents are on the fringes of the playoffs so they will be chasing the win I have no doubt. However, a very satisfying attacking performance is rewarded with a superb 3-0 win with Karl Lamdarts, Aldrich Du Birr and Aloof Oral Pain all getting their names on the scoresheet. With Decry Bounty recording their 5th draw in 7 league games we open up 4-point gap at the top of the table. It is pointed out to me on the coach journey home that Karl's goal tonight was his 50th for the club. I make a note to present him with a small memento of the occasion - a Body Shop gift basket and some of Mrs. De Veer's home baking would be suitable.

The weekend arrives with a growing feeling of anticipation as our next visitors the Waldo Enema are our hated neighbours, Informants Ghetto, and their manager Naive Gekken. They have pulled away from the relegation places in recent weeks but we all hope that today we will make some small contribution to their return. Neo-natal Jordan and Carr Clot return to the staring lineup after their injuries so we face the foe with a full strength side. We fall behind to an early goal but Aloof Oral Pain equalises before half time. We go 2-1 behind shortly after the restart and to the great disappointment of the 17,000 crowd we can't find a way back. I have to choke back an angry retort as a smug looking Naive Gekken offers me his hand but I settle for snatching back the Mrs. De Veer's special chocolate cake that I had given him before the game.

There is little time to brood on the disappointment of the derby defeat as within a few days we have another midweek challenge as we play Be Snarly at the Owl Leak Stadium. It is a changed team that takes the field as many of our first choice players are rested. If Dylan Sponlap and Karl Lamdarts had been wearing their shooting boots then we would have had more than one goal to show for our efforts. However we have to settle for a single strike from Galvin Elk to give us the three points.

With a weekend off because of international matches we have a fully refreshed squad for the visit of struggling Wall Mill to end the month. An early penalty gives the visitors the lead but Carr Clot soon equalises. A second half goal from Aloof Oral Pain is enough to give us a 2-1 win and maintain our position at the top of the table.

shannon2007

Upped as per request.

retired_amyslack

Thank you PM

April 2004

Our promotion run in gets underway with a visit to Lev Parka to play Rapt Vole. I put out a number of second-string players as a lot of my first team are looking tired after their match in midweek. We contrive to have Docile Drunk dismissed in the first half and Willa Nonworker in the second and, perhaps not surprisingly, we lose 2-0. Despite this defeat, both ourselves and Decry Bounty are now guaranteed playoff places.

Our next match is a home game against Daffy Critic. We put in a much better performance and two goals from Aloof Oral Pain and one from Galvin Elk gives us a good 3-1 win. Captain Alice Pun had another tremendous game, as did both of the goalscorers.

The next weekend we travel to Matador Porn to take on promotion-chasing Cow Twinship. We go behind to an early goal and then on the 20 minute mark Midair Sahib scores an unfortunate own goal. However, he makes amends 15 minutes later by tucking away the penalty awarded when Carr Clot was upended in the area. Carr himself grabs the equaliser on the stroke of half time. Having fought back so well, it is a real blow when captain Alice Pun is sent off for a two-footed lunge just after the restart. However, even with 10 men we hold our own until we concede a late winner in the last minute to lose 3-2.

Our next game takes place just two days later as Drab Ford visit the Waldo Enema. By the end of the match my thin veneer of calm and caring is stripped bare. We spend most of the game bombarding their goal and yet still end up failing to get the win. They score early against the run of play but we strike back with goals from Aloof Oral Pain, Pablo Dunall and Willa Nonworker to take a 3-1 lead with less than 30 minutes gone. Unbelievably they score twice in the second half and we end up with a 3-3 draw. I am so furious that I cannot bring myself to go into the dressing room at full time and instead I go straight home to take out my frustrations on Mrs. De Veer and our various domestic animals.

By the time we travel to The Beer Ok Stadium for our match against Bertrand Woolens I have managed to calm down somewhat. We go into the game knowing that a victory will guarantee our promotion to the Premier League. A goal from Carr Clot after 30 minutes gives us the lead but our hosts strike back just minutes later. We dominate the play and create a number of good chances but frustratingly fail to hit the back of the net. But then Galvin Elk gives us the lead and I start to breathe a little easier. When Aloof Oral Pain makes it 3-1 with five minutes remaining I know that we are safe. The trip back to the Waldo Enema is a pleasant one indeed as the realisation that next season Cottony Nuts will be playing in the Premiership begins to dawn.

retired_amyslack

May 2004

Our penultimate game of the season is at home to 3rd place Erectly Iciest. We are guaranteed promotion and they are guaranteed a playoff place so not a lot rests on this game. Not that you would have guessed from the effort and commitment that both sides show. The visitors take an early lead but we strike back with two goals from Galvin Elk before half time – if only I could afford to make him a permanent addition to my playing staff. Carr Clot adds a third early in the second half but Erectly Iciest pull one back before Marino Stinkers scores late on to give us a 4-2 win. Our win, combined with a defeat for Decry Bounty means that we have won the league title – wonderful news that will be celebrated with an extra-special reward for the players. A short break at a local Health Farm sounds like a suitable idea.

The season ends with a trip to Thump Torso and a goal in the first half from Aloof Oral Pain gives us a narrow 1-0 win in another very good team performance. The league table makes happy viewing with only one small improvement possible – our hated neighbours Informants Ghetto and their vile manager Naive Gekken have escaped relegation.


<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">********************************************* ************************************************** * English First Division - Tuesday 1st June 2004********************************************** ************************************************** ================================================== ============================================== 2003/4 Table============================================= ================================================== =Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------1st C COTTONY NUTS 46 13 7 3 51 30 15 1 7 45 21 92 2nd P Decry Bounty 46 14 6 3 40 25 10 8 5 33 25 86 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3rd Erectly Iciest 46 13 8 2 51 30 8 7 8 38 39 78 4th Treacly Pascal 46 15 4 4 47 20 8 4 11 36 41 77 5th Cow Twinship 46 19 2 2 52 21 3 8 12 26 43 76 6th P Vet Tory Cynic 46 13 6 4 42 25 8 4 11 35 37 73 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7th Gin Throb 46 13 4 6 46 40 7 6 10 33 38 70 8th Icky Totes 46 14 6 3 35 19 6 3 14 30 45 69 9th Citronella Thatch 46 13 5 5 45 35 5 9 9 33 40 68 10th Drab Ford 46 13 2 8 41 36 7 3 13 38 49 65 11th Earwax Calender 46 12 7 4 48 35 6 2 15 28 44 63 12th Rapt Vole 46 9 4 10 42 38 9 4 10 30 39 62 13th Daft Row 46 13 5 5 45 34 5 3 15 29 51 62 14th Be Snarly 46 13 2 8 40 31 4 7 12 19 35 60 15th Hitherto Unarmed 46 13 3 7 41 26 3 6 14 17 34 57 16th Blind Meow 46 12 3 8 47 41 4 6 13 37 48 57 17th Informants Ghetto 46 8 7 8 34 30 6 7 10 33 41 56 18th Thump Torso 46 11 5 7 39 31 3 7 13 33 41 54 19th Wall Mill 46 8 7 8 33 34 7 2 14 36 49 54 20th Daffy Critic 46 10 6 7 31 30 3 7 13 23 40 52 21st Stringy Womb 46 10 5 8 34 33 3 7 13 24 42 51 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------22nd R Bertrand Woolens 46 8 9 6 38 32 4 5 14 26 40 50 23rd R Blur Yen 46 9 7 7 28 26 3 7 13 28 48 50 24th R Mincy Catheters 46 9 6 8 37 34 4 3 16 26 57 48</pre>


I modestly accept the Manager of the Year award and Carr Clot is voted the Supporters Player of the year. Taking a look back at out top performers this season top of the list is our veteran captain Alice Pun – he has been absolutely outstanding but at 36 I wonder if he has another season left in him, especially in the demanding environment of the Premiership. Young Aloof Oral Pain has finished as top scorer with 21 goals just ahead of Carr Clot who scored 20 times. Stalwart defender Aldrich Du Birr performed well as did new signing Marino Stinkers. On the negative side though our record signing Midair Sahib has been disappointing and I expect a lot more from him in the forthcoming season.

retired_confal2

superb :thup:

current favourites: Mincy Catheters and Emu Glaze Pie

retired_amyslack

Thanks OMDave

June 2004

As we begin preparations for our first ever season in the Premiership it is very clear that we will need to seriously improve the squad if we are to have any chance of survival. With a very tidy some received in TV rights we are not exactly short of cash so I go shopping. First I look to build some depth in defence and in comes Faxed Honey (Hayden Foxe, 26, D C) for £650K from Thump Torso followed by Merry Talk (Mark Tyler, 27, GK) for a bargain £100K from Bert Frond. When Untamed Whites start bidding silly money for keeper Neo-natal Jordan I decide to cash in and add £2.5M to the pot.

This month I received the not too surprising news that Alice Pun has decided to hang up his boots. He was an inspiration to us last season and was a key figure in our promotion. Another departure is Creaky Anders as he has accepted a contract from Be Snarly.

I expect a very difficult season ahead in the Premiership and in order to devote my energies fully to the hard anagramming that will be required at Cottony Nuts I have made the difficult decision to resign from my position in charge of Eco Mix. The strain of anagramming at international level is just too much given the rigours ahead so I feel that I have made the correct decision.


July 2004

With all of the lovely money that we have received for TV rights and increased season ticket sales we can actually afford to buy some decent players. First in is Galvin Elk who made such a big impression on loan last season. He is followed by Ravager Jogs (Jorge Vargas, 28, SW/ D C) and Primal Truckle (Patrick Muller, 27, D/DM C). Towards the end of the month I get the best news I’ve had since our promotion – Informants Ghetto have sacked Naive Gekken! As well as trying to build up the squad I have also been busy arranging for the changing rooms to be brightened up a bit in light of our new status as a top flight team. I have enlisted the help of top TV designer Nonrenewable Clew-Welly and he has come up with a colour scheme that is both innovative and relaxing. I love the way that he has used scatter cushions and some nice MDF mouldings to soften the feel of the place. I can’t wait for the players to see the finished result!

retired_amyslack

August 2004

Our first game in the premiership is an away game against Miming Itchy Bra at Dens Warts. In the week leading up to the season opener we seemed to have a rash of injuries and lost three players due to various training mishaps. This was perhaps a foretaste of things to come for within two minutes of the start of the game Midair Sahib was dismissed for an innocuous push and we were down to 10 men. I removed striker Aloof Oral Pain to bring on defender Oldish Charmer and we set about trying to keep the home side at bay. That didn’t work too well as we were 2-0 down inside 30 minutes. But I have to say that we showed a lot of spirit and goals from Marino Stinkers and Galvin Elk got us back on terms before half time. Even better, Isabel Carthage gave us the lead 10 minutes after the restart. Alas, we were unable to maintain it and within 5 minutes it was all square again. Then to crown it all we conceded a 4th 15 minutes from time and were consigned to a 4-3 defeat – not the best of starts in the top flight.

Still, there was no time to feel sorry for ourselves as we are straight into midweek action as we entertain Ham Flu. To my great pleasure we dominate the game and run out 3-0 winners with Dylan Sponlap scoring twice and Aloof Oral Pain adding another. The players haven’t said much but I suspect that one of the reasons for their fine performance is the relaxing yet invigorating effect of the new changing room design scheme.

There is still time to squeeze in one more league match before the end of the month and so we travel to Kicks Dong to take on Even Rot. Now I thought that the former Turn Toy Stopcock Player/Manager Pollen Tramcar was an ugly man but Even Rot have a young lad playing up front that redefines the term ugly. Annoyer Yowe may just about be the ugliest player I’ve ever seen! Midair Sahib could obviously stand his horrendous presence no longer, as just before half time he feigned injury in order that he would no longer be subjected to this vision of ugliness. The game was about as ugly as him with neither side really getting into their stride and it ended in a scoreless draw.

And so our first month in the Premiership comes to an end with a perfectly symmetrical record – won one, lost one, drawn one – and we occupy 8th place in the table. A very satisfactory start so far but I expect things to get a deal tougher as the season progresses.

retired_amyslack

September 2004

After a weekend off we head to Fidel Highroad to take on Vet Tory Cynic and gain a 1-0 win thanks to a goal from Aloof Oral Pain. But for a fine performance by the home keeper we would have won more convincingly but three points are gratefully accepted anyway.

In order to supplement our wafer-thin squad I take on a couple of loan signings. Begone Pup (Eugen Bopp, 21, M RC) joins from neighbours Informants Ghetto and Berto Sloe (Leo Bertos, 22, M/F RC) comes in from Be Snarley.

We then welcome Untamed Whites to the Waldo Enema and Begone Pup makes his debut in midfield. Aloof Oral Pain is absent on international duty with the Greek U23 team at the Olympics so Carr Clot replaces him. We don’t get off to the best of starts when Ravager Jogs is dismissed for a two-footed lunge after 13 minutes. Despite this setback we take the lead through Galvin Elk and in the second half Carr Clot adds a second for a 2-0 win. We suffer another blow though as key midfielder Marino Stinkers is injured.

Next up we have a midweek cup match as we welcome the visit of Bert Frond in the League Cup. This gives me an opportunity to give some of the fringe players such as Faxed Honey and Oldish Charmer a run out. Raphael Uffnen gives us an early lead but the visitors level the game before the break. But Galvin Elk is in excellent form at present and he puts us back in front before Pablo Dunall ties things up to give us a 3-1 win.

Before our next game we capture forward Kleet Bucket (Luke Beckett, 27, S C) from Hectic Tyres for a hefty £675K. He goes straight into the team for our next match against Nuns Ladder at The Dismal Outfight. He will play alongside Aloof Oral Pain who has returned from the Olympic Games without a medal alas. This is not one of our best performances as we slump to a 3-0 defeat. Ravager Jogs is lucky to stay on the pitch after conceding a penalty with another two-footed dive and I make a mental note to enrol him on an anger management seminar during his forthcoming suspension as the boy clearly has issues that he needs to address.

Just as the month ends we agree a deal with Wichita Tangle and Stanchion Felon takes his leave for a fee of £275K. Potent Mouth Trash are making the early pace in the Premiership and after 6 games we sit in 5th position – not too bad in my opinion but there is a long way to go yet. Young defender Johannes Masts gains the Young Player of the Month award, which he rather touchingly dedicates to me.

retired_amyslack

October 2004

We start the month with a home game against Decry Bounty. Ravager Jogs has started his three-game suspension and has been enrolled in the Kane Yore Anger Management Seminar – “Never Say Never”. In the game itself we put in a very good performance. Kleet Bucket opens the scoring in the first half with his first goal for the club and Aloof Oral Pain adds a second after the break for a good 2-0 win.

Our next game is another home game but a midweek encounter this time against Watch Brownies Limbo. We are really on a roll at present and we reach half time with a comfortable 3-0 lead. Defenders Primal Truckle and Midair Sahib both score their first goals of the season and Aloof Oral Pain adds the third. We are denied three times in the second half by the woodwork otherwise our win would have been even more comprehensive than the final scoreline of 3-0. The only negative is an injury to Louisa Ices that will keep him out for a week or two.

Having climbed to third place in the table we face a very stern test indeed as we travel to Redford Gambits to face Leaches, the team just above us in the league. The thought of listening to the verbal contortions of their manager Cairo Uredinial as he vainly attempts to master the English language fills me with dread. We put up a brave fight against superior opposition but reach the break a goal down. Marino Stinkers is back in the side after his injury but his return lasts barely 30 minutes before he limps off to be replaced by Begone Pup. We face a continued onslaught in the second half but on a rare break upfield Aloof Oral Pain gives us an equaliser with 8 minutes remaining. However, our luck finally runs out as the home side score a stoppage-time winner to condemn us to a 2-1 defeat.

Our next game is a Monday night televised encounter as Lava Tonsil visit the Waldo Enema. The boys really put on a show for the cameras and we reach the break two goals ahead thanks to Galvin Elk and Aloof Oral Pain. We add two more after the break with Kleet Bucket getting the first and Aloof Oral Pain showing off for the Sky viewers with a magnificent solo effort. This was possibly our best performance of the season so far and the Cottony Nuts holistic training programme certainly seems to be paying off.

We are given just two days rest before our next match as Wichita Tangle visit for a League Cup tie. I rest most of the first team bringing in reserves such as Jackal Glood and Addis Grover. The game is action packed with both keepers kept extremely busy. There is no score at the break but we take the lead through Aloof Oral Pain after 59 minutes. But barely a minute passes before the visitors equalise. The score remains at 1-1 at the end of 90 minutes and at the end of 120 minutes and so a penalty shootout ensues. When Raphael Uffnen misses our 5th penalty it is all over and we tumble out of the League Cup.

Just three days later and we are at Ruby High to face Seal Ran in our final league game of the month. The home side take an early lead but we find an equaliser from Raphael Uffnen. Parity lasts for just two minutes before we fall behind again. Then Seal Ran have a man dismissed and I feel that we may have a fighting chance. But we struggle to put together any meaningful attacks as the home side defend in depth. Even when they are reduced to 9 men after they have a player injured having used all three substitutes, we cannot break them down and we suffer a very disappointing 2-1 defeat. However, we still end the month in 4th place, a much higher position that anyone would have expected at the start of the season.