Shermanez

C'mon Blur Yen!

This is brilliant Bob

retired_amyslack

Thanks Gino. As you will see, Blur Yen survived with ease but failed to challenge for a playoff place.

April/May 2003

We have just 7 games left to maintain our First Division status. Our survival campaign gets underway with an away match at Needn't Hew against Wall Mill. We go a goal down after 15 minutes but less than 10 minutes later Rodding Tamely equalises. As the game progresses our luck continues to hold I am beginning to think that a point would be a very good result. And then everything changes. Guano Hasher manages to get himself booked twice in two minutes and off he goes. Within seconds of his dismissal the home side score their second and we end up losing 2-1. Still things could be worse - following their home defeat by local rivals Snaffled Weedy Hides, The Infield Feuds are confirmed as the first team to be relegated.

There follows another tough derby match against Informants Ghetto at The Roy Ducting stadium. We are unlucky to lose a tight game 1-0 and the board are very unhappy. Not half as unhappy as the players are going to be after the next few training sessions that I am planning for them. Lucky for us thet the teams below us can't win either, and we still maintain our 5 point safety gap. At the top of the table, Chicory Twin seal their promotion to the top flight - enjoy it while you can yokel boys, 'cause it's not gonna last!

Next up is a home game against The Infield Feuds. As they are already relegated I am adamant in the pre-match address that we absolutely, positively, no-excuses-will-be-accepted, have to beat them. Docile Drunk and Pablo Dunall both return from suspension and are back in the starting line-up. Carr Clot gets his first goal since his arrival to open the scoring, but within seconds the visitors get an equaliser. We go into the break tied at 1-1 and I am not overly happy. I have hung a neatly tied noose from each of the hooks in the dressing room just to help the players concentrate on the task at hand. A brisk start to the second half sees Robust Thelma put us back into the lead but with less than 5 minutes remaining a mistake by keeper Sandra Gutter gifts our opponents another equaliser. A 2-2 draw in a game that we should have won! The only thing that stops me making use of the nooses is the news that the two teams below us both lost.

Our next match involves a visit to Arcadia Grove to play Daft Row. The home side take a very early lead and look like overwhelming us but we stick to it and Jackal Glood grabs an equaliser a few minutes before half time. Two more goals are scored in a frantic few minutes at the end of the first half. First the home side go 2-1 up and then Dylan Sponlap gets another equaliser. Less than 5 minutes after the restart Daft Row score their 3rd and, despite our best efforts, we cannot find another equaliser and we lose 3-2.

We are running out of games and desperate for a win when Hitherto Unarmed arrive at the Waldo Enema. For once I don't terrorise the players before the match. Instead I explain quietly just what it will mean to them if we get relegated from Division 1 - huge pay cuts, cancelled contracts, re-possessed houses, bankruptcy and divorce and so on. We put in one of our best performances of the season and two goals from Carr Clot and one from Elves Bikini give us a 3-1 win. Even better news reaches us that both Respondent Thorn and Nun Tow Lot have lost - they are relegated and we survive! Untamed Whites confirm their promotion with a home win and now it is only the playoff places to be decided.

For our last league match in April we travel to the Baron Freddy Balding Stadium to play []bDrab Ford[/b]. Rodding Tamely gives us the lead but the home side fight back for a 2-1 win. I try to get upset but my heart's not in it, and anyway, I have to fly off for another Eco Mix friendly. We are taking on Unstated Ties once more and I am looking forward to maintaining our unbeaten run. A 2-0 win follows with goals from Arab Vroom and Coercive Orations. The Man of the Match award goes to Rocco Rams Rosa - quite what a central defender will do with a set of castanets I am not sure!

Awful news - our local rivals have sacked their manager and replaced him with Naive Gekken. Not only is he back in football, at this very moment he is probably viewing desirable family homes in the same street as me!!!

Just before our final game of the season, Elves Bikini finishes his loan and returns to Citronella Thatch. Our swansong is a home match against Gin Throb - I wonder just how few of the locals will turn up to cheer us on. 7,895 is the answer, and frankly, they shouldn't have bothered as we lose 2-0 in a rather drab game.

So we reach the end of a very difficult season having retained our place in Division 1 by the skin of our teeth. I have a lot of work to do over the summer as the squad needs to be changed radically if we are going to progress. The final league table does not make happy reading.


<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">********************************************* ********************************************** English First Division - Sunday 1st June 2003********************************************** *********************************************Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------1st C Chicory Twin 46 20 3 0 48 11 12 6 5 39 26 105 2nd P Untamed Whites 46 16 4 3 58 29 8 10 5 40 34 86 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3rd Mincy Catheters 46 15 4 4 48 30 9 6 8 33 32 82 4th P Snaffled Weedy Hides 46 17 6 0 62 25 6 6 11 33 42 81 5th Daft Row 46 13 6 4 45 29 10 3 10 38 44 78 6th Decry Bounty 46 11 8 4 28 19 10 5 8 28 31 76 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7th Vet Tory Cynic 46 14 6 3 43 23 6 9 8 29 32 75 8th Drab Ford 46 14 4 5 44 30 7 4 12 29 38 71 9th Blind Meow 46 11 6 6 52 44 8 2 13 37 50 65 10th Gin Throb 46 12 2 9 37 28 7 5 11 32 34 64 11th Wall Mill 46 14 2 7 58 38 5 5 13 38 54 64 12th Informants Ghetto 46 14 4 5 54 32 5 3 15 22 42 64 13th Citronella Thatch 46 13 4 6 45 34 6 3 14 36 58 64 14th Hitherto Unarmed 46 11 4 8 37 32 5 8 10 37 46 60 15th Cow Twinship 46 13 3 7 34 28 5 3 15 28 47 60 16th Blur Yen 46 14 4 5 45 32 3 5 15 21 48 60 17th Icky Totes 46 10 8 5 39 27 5 5 13 20 32 58 18th Stringy Womb 46 12 5 6 49 35 2 8 13 20 39 55 19th Treacly Pascal 46 10 6 7 29 22 5 4 14 23 38 55 20th Be Snarly 46 7 9 7 35 33 5 6 12 30 41 51 21st COTTONY NUTS 46 11 5 7 33 26 2 4 17 21 43 48 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------22nd R Nun Tow Lot 46 7 5 11 32 34 5 3 15 23 44 44 23rd R Respondent Thorn 46 10 3 10 32 30 2 0 21 22 67 39 24th R The Infield Feuds 46 6 7 10 23 31 1 5 17 23 48 33</pre>

retired_amyslack

June/July 2003

What a fun summer we are having at Cottony Nuts. To start with there a few changes in the backroom staff. Scout Inky Broncos leaves us and coach Juan Thong retires. Insane Mathieu (Aime Anthuenis) joins the coaching staff to replace Juan. For reasons beyond my comprehension, Karl Lamdarts is voted the Supporter's Player of the Year. Seven goals a season doesn't strike me as too impressive, but we have so few supporters that the votes he got from his Mum and his Aunties were probably enough!

As part of a major overhaul of the squad, around 20 players left the club. Most of them were at the end of their contracts and for some reason, none of them wanted to renew. My assistant Zag Library hesitantly suggests a possible reason for their reluctance. Later that day, as I sit beside his hospital bed eating his grapes, I ask him if he really thinks that my management style is too aggressive! He doesn't reply (it's not easy talking with all those tubes and bandages) but his body language is eloquent enough. This makes me reconsider my approach and I am beginning to wonder if a more gentle and thoughtful approach may get better results.

So sadly we must say goodbye to anagrams of the quality of Airbag Calhoun, Snead Bootlick, Radar Schmitt, Icy Determined, Teen Slob, Depleted Piano, Lanky Racer, Isaac Intoner, Sue Delaney, Oven Wilkins and Lacy Bagpiper. Others will leave less of a hole including Lars Mecca, Adrian Cornish, Recarbonises Handrail, Megs Girth, Anton Denys, Kerr Sinus, Dearborn Chins, Ashcan Flume and ESP Concerns Mom.

June fades into July and I am off to Pure to guide my Eco Mix boys to triumph in the Copa America. With a fair amount of cash in the bank from TV rights I tell the scouts to scour the country seeking out great anagrams that can also kick a ball without falling over. Before I depart I leave instructions for the ground staff to make some cosmetic changes that I will evaluate on my return.

In the Copa America Our first group game is against Tina Regan. We are comprehensively outplayed and crash to a 3-0 defeat. We get a chance to redeem ourselves against A Para Guy in our second game. The result is a narrow 1-0 win thanks to a goal from Doreen Franca. Our final group game is against Ada Can and we need to get a win to make sure we qualify. Two goals each from Neanderthal Bozos Jeer and Untouchable Occam give us a comfortable 4-0 win and we go through to the knockout phase.

In the Quarter Final we face Boil Coma who had qualified from their group with 3 wins out of 3. It is absolute thriller of a game. Our opponents score first but we get a quick equaliser from Bonjour Dialup Gazer. They spend the remainder of the first half pounding our goal, and hit the woodwork an incredible 5 times - someone up there must like us. In the second half Untouchable Occam gives us the lead with less than 20 minutes left. They get an equaliser in the 81st minute but just 3 minutes from time Doreen Franca get a dramatic winner and we go through 3-2.

We find out that our Semi Final opponents are World Cup holders Liz Bra. We give the World Champions a real run for their money and at full time we are still locked at 0-0. The match is finally decided in favour of Liz Bra when they score in the second half of extra time. We are unable to reply and we go out to a narrow 1-0 defeat. In the 3rd place playoff we face our group opponents A Para Guy. After a scoreless first half we fall behind in the 65th minute but Jorge Tried Bat gets the equaliser 2 minutes later. But the players are tiring fast after a hard tournament and our opponents get what proves to be the winning goal within minutes of our equaliser. In the final Tina Regan beat Liz Bra 2-1 after extra time.

Meanwhile back at the Waldo Enema the staff have been busy preparing the squad for the new season. In my absence we have taken Thickset Miracle (Michael Ricketts 24, F RC) on loan from Bertrand Woolens and veteran midfielder Alice Pun (Paul Ince, 35, DM C) is given a 4-week trial. Our first taste of action is a friendly against Gilded Rhombus at The Sid Verier Stadium. After a scoreless first half we start to tire a little and end up with a 2-0 defeat. This is followed by another friendly at home to Even Rot in which we are trounced 5-1. The exodus continues with Heliogram Chub the next to leave as he is transferred to Sweaty Incas. He is followed out the door by Verbis Beckett who goes off to Gin Throb and Andrei Garlic who leaves when his contract expires. Our final friendly of the month sees the visit of Entertained Chums. A comprehensive 7-0 defeat follows but given that I substituted virtually the whole team at half time I'm not too disappointed.

Alice Pun has impressed in the pre-season games so he is offered a contract. My biggest concern is the performance of our 3 remaining keepers. They have all had a chance and they have all been abysmal. I hope that we see an improvement once the season proper starts. On my return from South America I am pleased to see that the changes I requested have all been implemented. I have decided to adopt a more holistic and caring management style. The dressing rooms have been redecorated in soothing pastel shades and there are vases of fresh flowers and scatter cushions artfully arranged. The Feng Shuei consultant that I employed seems to have done his work and I can only admire the silk wall hangings. To complete the picture, I slip one of the CD's that I brought back from South America into the stereo and the soothing sounds of panpipes echo through the changing rooms.

But I can't relax and enjoy our new surroundings as Eco Mix are back into action in the Confederations Cup in Oak Shouter. Our first group match is against Car Fen. We have an absolute nightmare of a match. First we have keeper Jeeroz Ponce injured. His replacement Stuart Coda has a stinker of a match and to round it all off Onion Ant Chaos gets sent off. We lose 4-1 by the way! Our second group match is against Ultra Asia. We have 2 players suspended, 2 injured and several very tired after the previous match, so there are many changes to the team. We get a narrow 1-0 win but another player is injured as striker Oilier Ammo suffers a bruised thigh.

We go into our last group match against host country Oak Shouter requiring a win to qualify. A hat trick from Doreen Franca and a goal apiece from Untouchable Occam and Jorge Tried Bat gives us a good 5-2 win. Unfortunately we lose another player to injury as central defender Flamer Quaraze will be out for several weeks. We face Lay It in the Semi Final but another eccentric goalkeeping display helps our opponents to a 4-0 win. Much as we would all like to just go home, we have to contest the 3rd place playoff against Jan Pa. Despite our fatigue we put in a good performance and win 4-1 to claim 3rd place. In the final Car Fen beat Lay It 1-0.

retired_amyslack

August 2003

The new season gets underway at the new sharing, caring Cottony Nuts. Early in the month Boron Sorb (Rob Robson, 18, D LC) is promoted from the Youth Academy. We also get Willa Nonworker (Ronnie Wallwork, 25, D/DM C) on loan from Watch Brownies Limbo.

Our first match of the campaign is against Daft Row at Arcadia Grove. The home side dominate the first half and we are lucky to reach the break scoreless as they have a goal disallowed for offside. We play better in the second half and take the lead through Carr Clot. Dylan Sponlap adds a second in stoppage time and we open our account with a good 2-0 win. The only bad news is an injury to Rodding Tamely that will keep him out for a few weeks.

After much negotiation Alice Pun finally accepts a contract offer and comes on board. He is straight into the team for our next match against Icky Totes at The Tina Rabin Stadium. For the second match in succession we absorb a lot of pressure in the first half and survive a disallowed goal. Just before half time Thickset Miracle gets his first goal for us since his move. He follows this up with a second near the end of the game and we have another good 2-0 away win.

Young striker Aloof Oral Pain (Paolo Farinola, 19, S C) joins on a 4 week trial to see how he does.

Just a couple of days after our last match we travel to The Filched Vet to play Second Division Sweaty Incas in the first round of the League Cup. I field a team of mostly second choice players to give them a chance to show what they can do. The reserves do OK but finally fall a goal behind with 15 minutes remaining but a late equaliser by Raphael Uffnen take the game into extra time. It looks like penalties all the way but the home side grab a dramatic winner with seconds remaining in extra time.

Before our next match we welcome another new player to the Waldo Enema as Louisa Ices (Aliou Cisse, 27, DM RC) joins from Miming Itchy Bra.

Our first home game of the season is up next against Blur Yen. In keeping with my new softer approach, we welcome our guests with a carpet of rose petals from their coach to the changing rooms and arrange to have some nice camomile tea provided at half time. Thickset Miracle gets an early goal for us but the visitors equalise before half time. The match is very evenly balanced but with 30 minutes left Carr Clot puts us back in front and we hang on for a 2-1 win. Louisa Ices came on as a sub at half time and made a reasonable debut. Our 3 successive wins puts us at the top of the table.

Within two days we have another match and Blind Meow come to savour the friendly atmosphere of the Waldo Enema. I have to make a few changes to the team to rest some players and I am concerned that our brief stay at the top is about to end. We get off to a great start with an early goal from Raphael Uffnen. Dylan Sponlap adds a second on 30 minutes but 5 minutes later the visitors pull one back. Arlen Beck scores his first goal for the club just after the restart to regain our two goal lead but Blind Meow won't give up and once again get a goal back. But we hang on for the final whistle to record a 3-2 win. Our 4th straight win keeps us top of the league and I am rather pleased how well my new holistic approach seems to be working. But I must admit to being concerned how well I will be able to keep this up when we start to get under some pressure - it's easy to be a nice guy when you're winning, but after one or two defeats it will be more difficult.

retired_amyslack

September 2003

September gets underway with a Friday night televised match against Gin Throb at the Waned Humidistat. They sit 3rd in the table and have got off to a good start so I anticipate a tough match. But even though I say so myself we play very well and 2 goals from Thickset Miracle and a rare strike from Docile Drunk gives us a fine 3-0 win.

A few days later Eco Mix have a friendly against A CIA Jam and I travel to the Caribbean in good cheer. Two goals from Doreen Franca and another from Untouchable Occam gives us a comfortable 3-0 win. I have no time to relax in the sun as I return home immediately for our next league contest - a home game against Stringy Womb. Our visitors are in the bottom three and in theory this should not be a difficult game. But as is often the case theory and practice do not coincide. Despite getting a very early goal when Louisa Ices gets his first goal since his recent arrival, the visitors fight back strongly and equalise before half time. A brilliant display by the visiting goalie keeps us at bay in the second half and we have to settle for a 1-1 draw.

Before our next match we receive a bid from Gin Throb for unsettled keeper Damsel Helen Plinth. It is accepted and he heads off to the south coast. We journey to Dreary Togs to take on Earwax Calender, another bottom-three team. With many players still tired from our last game I make a lot of changes to the line up. We are under pressure from the off and concede a very early goal. But Isabel Carthage gets his first goal of the season to equalise before half time. Excellent defensive performances from Isabel and Stanchion Felon and great goalkeeping by Neo-natal Jordan allow us to hold on for a 1-1 draw.

I am keen to strengthen our backroom staff and with that in mind we appoint two new Scouts, Marion Flints (Martin Filson) and A Crawly Lager (Garry Wallace), another Physio, Jade Ovens (Dave Jones) and an additional Coach, Honed Jerry (John Dreyer). We now have 2 home games in quick succession. First up is the visit of Mincy Catheters. This is not the most exciting match of the season as neither team plays very well. Thickset Miracle continues his good from by giving us the lead in the first half. Just as it looks like we will get back to winning ways, a late penalty gives our visitors an equalising goal and we have our third consecutive 1-1 draw.

Citronella Thatch are next up at the Waldo Enema. Our task should have been made easier by the dismissal of one of the visiting players after 10 minutes but we are unable to capitalise and despite our pressure the game ends scoreless and we get yet another draw. After our superb start to the season we are beginning to lose our momentum and have now dropped to 3rd in the table. I resist the temptation to slip back into my old ways and encourage the players with threats of violence. Instead I suggest to the Physios that they experiment with aromatherapy oils when they are giving the players their rubdowns.

Our final game of the month is against Hitherto Unarmed at I Roll Mom. Again I rest a number of players but I am surprised at how well we play - maybe there is something in this aromatherapy after all! A tight first half sees the teams separated by a Louisa Ices goal. Guano Hasher adds a second after the break, his first since he joined. The home side pull a goal back but a third goal from Carr Clot secures the win and I am very pleased with the 3-1 scoreline.

retired_amyslack

October 2003

The month gets off to a slow start because of the European Championship qualifiers. But it goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when the next Eco Mix friendly against I Am Baz and the Cottony Nuts league match against Decry Bounty at Rapid Perk take place on the same day. However, now that I have resolved the conflict between my Yin and my Yang I am able to resolve a potentially difficult situation by sending my Yin to Africa whilst my Yang makes the short journey along the A 52. Unfortunately Yang witnesses possibly our poorest performance of the season as Decry Bounty score twice in the first 30 minutes to take a 2-0 lead into the break. Thickset Miracle continues his good run of form when he scores in the second half but we are unable to find an equaliser and we suffer our first defeat of the season. Yin has some consolation with a narrow 1-0 victory thanks to a goal from Doreen Franca.

Before our next match we secure the services of several fine new anagrams in the shape of Johannes Masts (Thomas Janssen, 19, D LC), Midair Sahib (Ibrahim Said, 23, SW/D/DM C) and Marino Stinkers (Martin Eriksson, 23, M C). For our home game against league leaders Treacly Pascal both Midair and Marino are given a start. The debutants both play well and we take an early lead through Carr Clot but the visitors get a quick equaliser. We create some great chances and eventually Carr gets his second of the match to give us an impressive 2-1 win.

We are quickly facing our next league match against Wall Mill at Needn't Hew. As befits a team of such poor anagramability, our opponents languish in the relegation places and, despite some changes to the team, I hope that we will keep them there this afternoon. Alas it is not to be. Thickset Miracle gets us off to a good start with a first-half goal, but our concentration slips and we allow the home side to score twice. As the players troop dejectedly into the dressing room I come very close to going off on one, but I restrain myself and instead I ask the coaches to consider the potential benefits of a Pilates exercise regime. Perhaps this Yoga-based technique will help the players maintain a higher start of consciousness that will guard against defensive carelessness in the future.

Ex-trialist Aloof Oral Pain finally agrees our contract offer and the young striker takes a place in the reserves. There is little time to recover before our next match, a home game against Rapt Vole. A goal from Carr Clot on the stroke of half time gives us the lead but once again we are unable to hold on to a winning position and the visitors score in the second half as the match ends in a 1-1 draw.

Our penultimate game of the month is a televised encounter with local rivals Informants Ghetto, now managed by the odious Naive Gekken. Gekken is under severe pressure as his team lies second from bottom and I fully intend to do him no favours today. Our strikers do what strikers should and Thickset Miracle and Carr Clot score a goal each to give us a comfortable lead at half time. But the familiar pattern starts to assert itself and we concede an early goal in the second half. We end up pinned back in defence but thankfully manage to hold on for the win.

The month comes to a close with a home game against Vet Tory Cynic. This is a game that tests my newfound Mr. Nice Guy image to the extreme. Slack defending and poor goalkeeping sees us 2-0 down within 30 minutes. Marino Stinkers pulls a goal back before half time and Carr Clot gets the equaliser soon after the restart. But poor marking at the back undid all of our good work as the visitors scored once more to seal a 3-2 defeat.

retired_amyslack

November 2003

November gets underway with a visit from Be Snarly. I have made wholesale changes to the lineup as many of the players are still fatigued from our last few games. It is a pretty even encounter but we establish a 2-goal lead through Raphael Uffnen and a penalty from Midair Sahib. When the visitors pull one back near the end I am concerned that we will throw a lead away again, but a third goal from Isabel Carthage ties up a good 3-1 win. Louisa Ices had another good game for us and the veteran Alice Pun was outstanding in midfield.

For our next match we travel to the Baron Freddy Balding Stadium to play Drab Ford. We have lost top scorer Thickset Miracle as his loan period has expired. I have unsuccessfully tried to get an extension but his club Bertrand Woolens have refused our request. However, they have offered us a young forward Galvin Elk (Kevin Gall, 21, AM/F RC) and I accept with pleasure. Young master Elk will join the squad in time for our next game. I am disappointed in today's performance however, as it was a below-par performance from the entire team, with the exception of captain Alice Pun, and we suffer a poor 1-0 defeat.

As it happens our next game is at home to Bertrand Woolens and I include Galvin Elk in our starting lineup. The fans at the Waldo Enema enjoyed an exciting attacking game that ended with a narrow 1-0 victory thanks to a goal from Dylan Sponlap. Our debutant Elk had a reasonable game, but our top performers were undoubtedly []bAlice Pun[/b] again, keeper Neo-natal Jordan who kept us in the game with a string of fine saves and midfielder Marino Stinkers.

Loan signing Willa Nonworker has been made available for transfer and our bid has been accepted. He is now a permanent member of the squad and an excellent addition to our anagrammers.

Our next match involves a trip to Pain Rankin to face struggling Daffy Critic and I am hopeful of a good result. Our task was made easier when our hosts were reduced to 10 men after a sending off and we took full advantage of the situation. Two goals each from Carr Clot and Marino Stinkers and one apiece from Guano Hasher and substitute Aloof Oral Pain gave us a fine 6-0 win, our highest ever score under my control.

Our last game of the month is a home match against Cow Twinship. They are just behind us in the table and a good result is important to keep up our push for promotion. The players respond well to my request and an excellent 3-1 win is obtained thanks to goals from Aldrich Du Birr, Rodding Tamely and Aloof Oral Pain. It is beginning to look like a more reasonable and patient management style is paying off. I almost wish it wasn't as, good as it is to be in the promotion fight, it's still a lot more fun to be Mr. Nasty! I hastily banish such thoughts from my mind and make a mental note to pick up some nice herbal shower gel to replace the boring old soap that the players use in the showers.

retired_amyslack

December 2003

Our first match of the Festive Season involves a trip to Raw Elks Stadium to face Erectly Iciest. They are just one point and one place behind us in the table so a tough encounter is in prospect. This is exactly what takes place and a goal in each half for the home side gives them a 2-0 win. This was a poor performance and, had Neo-natal Jordan not had a fine game between the sticks, the damage would have been worse. In the bad old days such a display would have triggered a display on incandescent rage on my behalf. But the new caring, sharing Big Bob de Veer doesn't do that anymore, no matter how tempted he may be. Instead, he wonders if perhaps some aromatherapy on the evening before a game would be beneficial.

Our next chance to get back to winning ways comes a week later with the visit of Thump Torso to the Waldo Enema. I have enlisted Mrs. De Veer's help in my attempts to make the Cottony Nuts experience more pleasant and I have arranged for the visitors to be served with home made scones and shortbread at half time rather that the cold drinks and fruit that is usually offered. A thrilling match ensues as we take an early lead through Aloof Oral Pain only for some rather slack defending allowing the visitors to score three times before the break. We have the better of the second half however, and young Master Oral Pain completes an excellent hat trick to give us a 3-3 draw. I was somewhat surprised to see the ageing and ludicrously pony-tailed Amanda Dives playing in goal for the visitors - that made the comeback all the more satisfying.

Our next competitive action in the lead up to Christmas sees us stay at home and welcome Daft Row. As Yuletide is fast approaching the dressing rooms have been rather nicely decorated with various Christmas lights and baubles as well as a modest Douglas Fir in each of the changing rooms. The half time goodies for the visitors have been supplemented with some of Mrs. De Veer's excellent mince pies. The visitors, perhaps inspired by the festive motif, take an early lead but Aloof Oral Pain equalises shortly afterwards. Despite good midfield play by Marino Stinkers leading to several good chances we leave it very late to get a winner, Carr Clot finally scoring in stoppage time.

After a short but very pleasant Christmas break, it is back into action once more, with 2 games in 3 days. I am slightly disappointed that I have not received much thanks from the players and coaching staff for their Christmas gifts. As everyone had received a rather attractive piece of hand made knitwear courtesy of Mrs. De Veer, together with a Body Shop basket personally selected by yours truly, I had expected a rather more enthusiastic response. The trip to Seth Larkspur to take on Blind Meow was therefore conducted in a rather strained silence on my part - I know it's the thought that counts but a small "thank you" wouldn't do amiss! By half time my mood has improved significantly as goals from Galvin Elk and the in form Aloof Oral Pain give us a 2-0 lead. But with 20 minutes of the match remaining the game is all square after we squander a hatful of chances and allow the home side back into the game. But fortunately Willa Nonworker scores his first goal for the club to give us 1 3-2 win.

Our final game of the year involves a journey to Forum Rot to play struggling Blur Yen. Snow is gently falling as we take the pitch but despite the conditions we play some of our best football of the month. A hat trick from the impressive Galvin Elk give us an excellent 3-0 win that lifts us into second place in the table. I have a quiet word with the young loan signing after the match and it turns out that he was very pleased with the Apricot and Passion Fruit face scrub that I had included in his Christmas gift but was too shy to mention it earlier.

retired_amyslack

January 2004

The month starts with a trip to the Northeast to play Unlaced Twenties at Jetsam Parks. Their manager, Dutch legend Gushin' Kudid, has been quite successful since replacing old codger Sir Roorsby Bobbins and his team are currently second in the Premiership, so I expect nothing from this game. Team captain Alice Pun is suspended so Midair Sahib replaces him. However, the match is much closer that I expect and it is not until the 78th minute that the home side take the lead. We are unable to find a late equaliser and so our Cup adventure is over for another season. But just to show that there are no hard feelings, I slip a package of assorted narcotics into Kudid's pocket as we shake hands. A small gesture I know, but I hope that it will remind him of his home in Amsterdam.

There isn't much time to rest before the midweek visit of Icky Totes. Alice Pun is back from suspension but otherwise we field an unchanged side. We play quite possibly our best football of the season and a hat trick from Galvin Elk and two goals by Aloof Oral Pain gives us a terrific 5-0 win. I am so pleased with the team's performance that I arrange for the entire squad to be given gift vouchers redeemable at Heather Hunt's Wholesome House of Homeopathy, a local emporium that specialises in natural remedies.

The boys are still talking about my generous gift as we travel to Ethyl Vale to take on mid-table Citronella Thatch. We have played them three times under my tenure and are yet to be beaten. Such is the mood of the squad that I see no reason not to extend that proud record. We rest a few players who seem a little fatigued - I must remember to suggest that they get some Guarana seeds with their vouchers as they are supposed to improve your natural energy levels. Despite falling behind early on, we strike back with goals from Rodding Tamely and Dylan Sponlap for a 2-1 win. We do have keeper Neo-natal Jordan to thank for a string of fine saves to keep the opposition at bay.

The visit of Gin Throb to the Waldo Enema is delayed until Sunday so that Sky Sports can set their cameras up to beam our match to the waiting millions. Those that bother to tune in are treated to a ding-dong battle that ends 5-2 in our favour. Our scorers are Willa Nonworker and Carr Clot and Galvin Elk who scored a brace apiece. This fine win takes us to within a point of league leaders Decry Bounty and gives us an eight-point cushion over our nearest pursuers. The only negative is an injury to top striker Aloof Oral Pain that will keep him out for a couple of weeks.

Before our next game I negotiate the loan of Johnnie Nomads (Damien Johnson, 25, AM/F R) from Miming Itchy Bra for the remainder of the season.

For the final game of the month we are without several players. Guano Hasher is suspended, Aloof Oral Pain is injured and Midair Sahib and Louisa Ices are representing their countries in a far off land and will be unavailable for most of the month. So for the trip to play Stringy Womb at Pull Red Blank, Docile Drunk and Oldish Charmer come into defence, Dylan Sponlap plays up front and Johnnie Nomads takes a seat on the bench. Another excellent display results in a 4-0 win with our goals coming from Aldrich Du Birr, Galvin Elk and two from Carr Clot. Marino Stinkers is playing consistently well in midfield and veteran captain Alice Pun is a huge presence for us. At 36 I don't know if he has another season left in him but he really is in great form. Loan signing Galvin Elk is a key player but I doubt that his club would be prepared to part with him permanently, but there's no harm in asking. The news that Decry Bounty have dropped points in a draw with Thump Torso means that we now sit proudly atop the First Division.


<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">********************************************* ********************************************** English First Division - Saturday 31st January 2004********************************************** *********************************************===== ================================================== ==================================== 2003/4 Table============================================= ==============================================Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------1st COTTONY NUTS 30 9 5 1 34 18 10 1 4 33 13 63 2nd Decry Bounty 30 11 4 1 28 16 7 4 3 22 15 62 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3rd Erectly Iciest 30 8 5 1 35 20 7 3 6 29 26 53 4th Treacly Pascal 29 10 2 2 22 8 6 1 8 25 27 51 5th Cow Twinship 30 11 1 2 32 15 3 7 6 21 28 50 6th Vet Tory Cynic 30 10 3 3 34 19 4 3 7 18 22 48 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7th Be Snarly 30 11 1 2 29 17 3 5 8 14 23 48 8th Drab Ford 29 9 2 3 26 20 5 1 9 21 28 45 9th Rapt Vole 30 6 3 6 27 24 6 4 5 21 24 43 10th Hitherto Unarmed 30 11 0 5 32 17 2 3 9 10 20 42 11th Thump Torso 30 7 4 3 26 19 3 6 7 25 27 40 12th Icky Totes 30 9 3 3 25 16 3 1 11 17 32 40 13th Gin Throb 30 8 3 5 31 31 3 4 7 22 29 40 14th Citronella Thatch 30 8 3 5 30 26 2 5 7 21 28 38 15th Daft Row 30 6 4 4 27 25 4 3 9 22 31 37 16th Earwax Calender 30 7 6 3 33 26 3 0 11 19 36 36 17th Blind Meow 30 8 2 5 34 29 2 3 10 26 35 35 18th Stringy Womb 30 9 1 6 27 24 1 4 9 15 26 35 19th Informants Ghetto 30 4 6 5 20 19 4 4 7 22 26 34 20th Blur Yen 30 6 6 4 18 16 2 4 8 17 29 34 21st Wall Mill 30 5 4 5 20 21 4 2 10 26 39 33 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------22nd Mincy Catheters 30 7 4 5 27 23 2 2 10 15 37 33 23rd Daffy Critic 30 6 1 7 18 23 2 6 8 11 21 31 24th Bertrand Woolens 30 4 6 4 17 16 2 3 11 16 30 27</pre>

It is interesting to note that our fierce local rivals, Informants Ghetto, now managed by the vile Naive Gekken, are just a point above the relegation places - a man can dream!

retired_amyslack

February 2004

The mood around the Waldo Enema at the start of this month is very positive. Not only are we top of the table but I am deemed to have been the Division's top manager in January. Not content with that, Aldrich Du Birr has been awarded the top player accolade. On the spur of the moment I offer Aldrich a new and improved contract by way of congratulations. He signs with such alacrity that I make a mental note to have the lawyers check out the small print very carefully before it is countersigned.

On the playing front starts with a visit by Earwax Calender. Alas a 2-0 defeat rather dents our previous good cheer. We did nothing terribly wrong during the game but we were clearly not firing on all cylinders. I arrange for some rejuvenating aromatherapy treatment during the week as I'm sure that it's just the boost that the players need.

For our next match we travel to Enid Aroma to play struggling Mincy Catheters. I feel that playing a team in the relegation zone may give us an opportunity to get back to winning ways. I am wrong. The home side score after just 2 minutes and despite our best efforts we are unable to get back on terms. Two games in a row without scoring - it must be time to bring back Aloof Oral Pain. Just to on the safe side I order our aromatherapist to double the dosage of the essential oils.

We have little time to ponder on our recent reverses as we have another match within a couple of days as our closest challengers for the title, Decry Bounty, visit the Waldo Enema. This would not be the team that I chose to play next given the somewhat fragile state of our confidence at present. We also have to make a few changes on the playing front to allow some players to recover from the last couple of games. This means that No Chinos Kelvin comes in for Aldrich Du Birr, Isabel Carthage replaces Alice Pun and Pablo Dunall starts rather than Willa Nonworker. On the positive side, Aloof Oral Pain is fit again and starts up front. I don't know if it is the extra helping of essential oils but we play much better and goals from Carr Clot, Johnnie Nomads and Aloof Oral Pain mean a superb 3-0 win. In the last couple of games I had been playing Johnnie Nomads up front without much success but his performance today has convinced me that his best position is in midfield. The bad news from tonight is an injury to goalie Neo-natal Jordan that means that Sandra Gutter will be deputising for the next few weeks.

Confidence restored we travel to Ruthless Park for a Friday night televised encounter with Treacly Pascal. We fall behind to an early goal but Aloof Oral Pain equalises before half time and adds a second after the restart to give us a 2-1 win. The young Greek striker is now averaging a goal a game for us and is one of the main reasons that we are in our current position of challenging for the league title.