retired_xs2khizar

Football in this country is honest. You sometimes wonder about abroad, but not in this country. And when someone like Big Bob de Veer said what he said about a professional like Naive Gekken, he went down in my estimation. We're still here and we're still reading this entertaining story, but Cottony Nuts have got to go to Middlesbrough and get something, and I tell you this, I will love it if this thread continues, love it! [/keegan]

retired_amyslack

Nice one nerf

November 2002

The month starts with a visit to Allan Marble to play The Infield Feuds. They are currently third from bottom and I fully expect a victory, a fact that I make abundantly clear to the players. But all does not go to plan, and we end up with a rather dull and uneventful 0-0 draw.

Saturday soon comes round again and we have a home match against Wall Mill (very poor anagram I know, but anyone have a better suggestion?). They are just one point ahead of us so I employ my, by now standard, pre-match motivational techniques. This fails to have the desired effect and we require a last minute goal from Creaky Anders to salvage a point in a 1-1 draw.

In the week before our next match the players go through hell as I implement a particularly vicious training regime as a result of failing to win our last two matches. Consequently, they are not at their best for the trip to Coward Roar to face top-of-the-table Chicory Twin. The resulting 2-0 defeat was therefore no great surprise. Normally I would spend some time reminding the squad of the level of performance that I expect but as my adopted country Eco Mix are involved in a friendly against Couth Safari in a few days I have to forgo this pleasure. Leaving the players in the tender care of my coaching staff I jet off.

What a joy it is managing a team that has some good players in it. My Eco Mix boys get an excellent 4-0 victory, with goals from Hairier Cooing, Coercive Orations, Quit Learn Banjo and Bonjour Dialup Gazer. Wing back Dave Poplar wins the man of the match award - personally I think that the oversize sombrero suits him perfectly. With barely enough time to sink a few celebratory tequilas, I head back to England and the delights of life at Cottony Nuts.

Our next match is a Friday night televised affair at the Waldo Enema against high-flying Daft Row. We take an early lead thanks to Karl Lamdarts but the visitors grab an equaliser on the stroke of half time. We defend doggedly in the second half, but our hope of a point vanish when we concede 2 goals in the last 10 minutes and record a 3-1 defeat.

A couple of days later the Chairman, Dr. Arin Obstacle tells me that he has been contacted by the Health and Safety Inspector and that we will be forced to close part of the West Stand, reducing our capacity by 2,150. This is not significant from an attendance perspective, as our average crowds this season are around 10,000, but it is symptomatic of the general malaise that exists in and around the club. Drastic action is required in order to provide that elusive spark that will ignite our season, but quite what that action is I have no idea!

As we move towards December we have a midweek trip to Unapt Pork to play Untamed Whites. Another lacklustre display results in a 2-0 defeat and we are now just a single point above the relegation places.

Our final game of the month has us travelling to I Roll Mom to play Hitherto Unarmed. Many of the players are unhappy because of our poor league position - I am unhappy because of pathetic players, so we're quits there I think. Just about the only decent player we have is goalkeeper Neo-natal Jordan, and he is in inspired form, pulling off a series of brilliant saves to keep us in the match. Until, that is, he has a rush of blood to the head, pulls down one of their players in the box and is red-carded. Sandra Gutter takes his place as Dylan Sponlap is substituted, but Sandra can't save the spot kick and we lose 1-0. This defeat now puts us back in the bottom three and deep in the relegation dogfight.

retired_amyslack

December 2002

We move into December with a match against Vet Tory Cynic at Fidel Highroad. Things do not look good as we go 2 goals down inside 20 minutes. However a goal just before half time from Dylan Sponlap gives us some hope. We play better in the second half but not well enough to get an equaliser and our dismal run continues as we lose 2-1.

Another away game follows, this time we travel south to the Waned Humidistat to play Gin Throb. We get into the Christmas spirit early by gifting the home side an early goal. However, we keep plugging away and Karl Lamdarts is denied an equaliser by an offside decision. Our bad luck continues with an injury to Pablo Dunall and our misery is completed by a late goal to make the scoreline 2-0. With Neo-natal Jordan suspended, Sandra Gutter takes over in goal and plays pretty well.

As a bit of light relief I travel to An Hag for an Eco Mix friendly. We secure a good 3-1 victory with a goal from Jorge Tried Bat and two from Coercive Orations. Coercive was voted Man of the Match and took home a stylish commemorative bullfight poster.

Back to reality and a home game against 5th-placed Drab Ford. We get off to a good start and Isabel Carthage gives us an early lead with his first goal of the season. Unfortunately the visitors grab an equaliser just before half time. But the lads show some fighting spirit (probably due to my inspiring half time talk amusingly entitled "The Spanish Inquisition - A Guide to Motivational Techniques") and Creaky Anders puts us back in the lead 10 minutes after the restart. To my disappointment just 4 minutes later the game is even again as Drab Ford get another equaliser. We keep plugging away and get our reward in the 89th minute. Docile Drunk plods forward for a corner, and playing a captain's part, falls dramatically in the area. The seismic disturbance caused when he hit the ground must have dislodged the Referees spectacles, because he somewhat surprisingly awards us a penalty. Jackal Glood keeps his cool to tuck the kick away and give us a 3-2 win, our first in 8 games.

In a moment of weakness following our unexpected win, I gave the players Christmas Day off instead of subjecting them to one of our usual torrid training sessions. Suitably refreshed, we faced Stringy Womb at the Waldo Enema. The layoff didn't seem to have helped much as the visitors put us under intense pressure for most of the game. Only a fine performance by keeper Sandra Gutter kept us in the game. Our cause wasn't helped by the sending off of Daring Porchs for 2 yellow cards. Sill a 0-0 draw gives us one more point in our desperate relegation dogfight.

Just a couple of days later we turn up at Enid Aroma to give battle with Mincy Catheters. With a much-changed team I have no great hopes of getting a result and I am therefore not too surprised when the home team take a 2-goal lead in the first 20 minutes. However, I am absolutely amazed when goals from Hatch Yorktown and Pablo Dunall level the match before half time. We more than hold our own in the second half and are really unlucky to concede a third goal in stoppage time to lose 3-2.

retired_amyslack

January 2003

New Years Day - why do they make us play on New Years Day? It's windy, it's drizzling, it's cold, I have a bad hangover and I'd rather be anywhere else rather at the Waldo Enema. My mood is not improved by a quick perusal of the First Division table.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">********************************************* ********************************************** English First Division - Wednesday 1st January 2003********************************************** *********************************************Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Chicory Twin 26 12 2 0 29 6 6 2 4 21 15 58 2nd Decry Bounty 26 8 2 2 19 12 8 1 5 15 15 51 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3rd Vet Tory Cynic 26 10 2 2 32 16 4 5 3 18 15 49 4th Snaffled Weedy Hides 26 9 3 0 29 11 5 3 6 25 27 48 5th Untamed Whites 26 7 3 2 29 16 5 6 3 24 20 45 6th Daft Row 26 7 3 4 25 18 6 1 5 21 19 43 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7th Mincy Catheters 26 9 3 2 30 17 3 4 5 16 20 43 8th Drab Ford 24 10 2 1 30 15 3 2 6 13 21 43 9th Citronella Thatch 25 9 2 2 28 18 4 1 7 18 28 42 10th Hitherto Unarmed 25 7 3 3 21 14 4 5 3 24 21 41 11th Informants Ghetto 26 10 2 2 37 18 2 3 7 8 19 41 12th Cow Twinship 25 7 1 4 13 13 4 1 8 18 26 35 13th Wall Mill 26 9 1 3 36 18 1 2 10 16 33 33 14th Be Snarly 26 4 4 4 20 19 5 2 7 21 22 33 15th Gin Throb 26 7 0 7 18 14 3 3 6 17 21 33 16th Respondent Thorn 26 8 1 3 21 15 2 0 12 13 39 31 17th Stringy Womb 26 7 3 4 29 20 1 3 8 10 20 30 18th Icky Totes 26 6 4 2 19 11 2 2 10 12 23 30 19th Blind Meow 26 7 2 4 30 26 2 1 10 17 34 30 20th Blur Yen 26 7 1 4 26 22 2 2 10 12 30 30 21st Treacly Pascal 25 4 4 4 14 12 3 1 9 16 25 26 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------22nd COTTONY NUTS 26 6 2 4 14 13 1 2 11 10 27 25 23rd The Infield Feuds 26 2 5 7 10 19 1 3 8 10 23 17 24th Nun Tow Lot 26 2 2 8 11 21 1 2 11 9 27 13</pre>


Our visitors are 4th-placed Snaffled Weedy Hides and I am not confident of achieving a result. It is fairly uneventful first half however, with the highlight being a very unexpected goal from Creaky Anders who fires home a thunderbolt of a freekick - I had no idea that he could kick the ball that hard! In the second half the visitors press hard for an equaliser, but solid play from Isabel Carthage and captain Docile Drunk, together with a Man of the Match award for keeper Sandra Gutter, see us hold on for the win. By way of celebration, I allow Physio Garry Creole to switch the hot water back on in the showers.

Just a few days later we travel to the land of woolly ruminant lovers to play Third Division Sweaty Incas at The Filched Vet in an FA Cup 3rd Round tie. On this occasion I abandon my "It's only a cup competition so don't take it too seriously" tactic and instruct the players to try to win this one. I feel that it would be a morale booster to record a win and we may even get lucky in the next round and play a big team and earn some money. Captain [v]Docile[/v] is suspended so he is replaced by Airbag Calhoun, but apart from that I field what is laughingly known as "my strongest team". We dominate the match and win 2-0, thanks to goals from Pablo Dunall and Rodding Tamely, and into the 4th Round we go.

A week later and we are back into league action, travelling to Ethyl Vale to face Citronella Thatch. We give away a very early goal, gifting the home side an opener after just 2 minutes. However we don't let our heads drop and Creaky Anders equalises 10 minutes later. Citronella have most of the possession but we defend quite well and ride our luck for the rest of the half. Then, just a minute before the break, Dylan Sponlap puts us into the lead. In the second half we are really put under the cosh and our luck eventually runs out as, midway through the period our hosts score twice in quick succession. Despite this, we do manage a late rally, and only the woodwork denies Dylan a late equaliser. So a 3-2 defeat and we are now 5 points from safety. All is not lost though, as there is only 3 points between 12th and 21st, so if we can string some wins together then we might still escape relegation.

The very next day I somehow find myself in South America, as Eco Mix take on Ultra Asia in a friendly. This is a match that we totally dominate, and with something like 17 goal attempts on target, I am amazed that the final score is only 3-0. Farcical Japonica Nunes opens the scoring near the end of the first half, and Man of the Match Untouchable Occam adds two more in the second. I think that Untouchable was delighted with the poncho that was presented to him at the end of the game.

The draw for the FA Cup 4th round is made and we will face Premiership side Miming Itchy Bra at Dens Warts.

Next up we have a home game against Blind Meow. They are one place above us and I see this as a must-win game. A suitably inspirational talk from yours truly gives the boys their usual pre-match encouragement and out they go. We don't get off to the best of starts as Dylan Sponlap is injured after just 5 minutes and limps off to be replaced by Hatch Yorktown. The visitors have the better of the first half and eventually take the lead 10 minutes before the break. My half time talk is littered with graphic illustrations of the price of failure. Perhaps too graphic, as when young Jackal Glood gets up to go back on the pitch there is a suspicious pool of water where he has been sitting! However, it certainly does the trick, and we really get stuck into them. Aldrich Du Birr gets the equaliser 10 minutes after the restart and with 20 minutes to go Karl Lamdarts puts us ahead. In a frantic last 5 minutes Karl scores twice more to complete his hat trick and give us a 4-1 win. The silly bugger tries to take the match ball as a souvenir - has he no idea how expensive these things are?

Our final game of the month is in the FA Cup 4th Round and we face Premier League opposition as we travel to Dens Warts to face Miming Itchy Bra. I go with the same team that gave us such a good win the week before, so hat trick hero Karl Lamdarts keeps his place in the team as Dylan Sponlap is still injured. I have no hopes of a Cup upset - just a decent share of the gate receipts. Just as well really, as an abysmal performance sees us lose 5-0. With the Cup out of the way we can now concentrate on league survival!

retired_bbcarr

brilliant stuff

retired_amyslack

Thanks Terk, I appreciate your kind words

February 2003

The month gets underway with a home game against Icky Totes. We get off to an appalling start, falling a goal behind after just 2 minutes. A second follows after 20 minutes and we go into the break 2-0 down. A good tongue-lashing for everyone follows from yours truly during the half time interval - this will not be repeated as it took ages to get rid of the taste of sweat and liniment! However, we do play a bit better in the second half and pull a goal back through Creaky Anders. But it is too little too late and we lose 2-1. We are now 3 points away from the safety positions and in a bit of trouble.

Before our next match Daring Porchs ends his loan period and returns to Vet Tory Cynic. As we are now able to take another loan player I obtain the services of Elves Bikini (Kevin Lisbie, 24, F RLC) from Citronella Thatch in an attempt to bolster our goal scoring capabilities.

Our next game is a critical one as we face Be Snarly at the Owl Leak Stadium. They are the team immediately above us in the table and a win here will make us equal on points. I take great pains to explain to the players that, should they fail to deliver the goods then they will take great pains as a consequence. We get off to a rather tentative start and are rather fortunate to go into the break with the match still scoreless. But within 15 minutes of the restart we are 2-0 ahead with goals from Andrei Garlic and new boy Elves Bikini. Be Snarly pull a goal back but Robust Thelma gets his first goal for us to restore our 2-goal advantage. The home side get a late goal but we hold on for the win and an invaluable 3 points.

A week later we have an excellent chance to get another win as we have a home game against Nun Tow Lot, one of only two team below us in the table. A detailed pre-match discussion on the implications of failure leaves the players pale and shaking but ready to give their all. Elves Bikini seems particularly surprised at my motivational techniques, but I'm sure that he will soon get used to it. It certainly has the desired effect and goals from Elves Bikini and Rodding Tamely give us a 2-0 lead at half time. In the second half Dylan Sponlap adds a third and we get the win that was required. However, there was a strong element of luck involved because the visitors created twice as many chances as we did and only poor finishing prevented the score being much closer. Anyway, the 3 points sends us up to 19th and out of the relegation places for the first time for months.

We have only a few days break before our next match against Cow Twinship at Matador Porn. I have no expectations of getting a result here so I am pleasantly surprised when we reach half time still scoreless. I am even more surprised when the final whistle blows and it is still 0-0. Our luck seems to be holding as Cow Twinship hit the woodwork twice and had 2 goals disallowed for offside. A Man of the Match performance between the sticks by Sandra Gutter completes the picture, a point is gratefully received and we sneak up to 18th place.

Next weekend and we are back at the Waldo Enema facing second placed Decry Bounty. Another determined performance and another slice of luck gives us an unexpected point with a 2-2 draw. The visitors twice take the lead but we manage two equalisers. The first is from a Robust Thelma penalty after Rodding Tamely puts in an Oscar-winning performance in the Decry Bounty box. Then Elves Bikini gets his 3rd goal in 4 games to secure the draw. Other results mean that we drop down to 20th but we now have a 4-point gap between the relegation places and us.

By the miracles of modern electronics I am able to be with my Eco Mix boys for their next friendly at home to A CIA Jam. In an uninspired performance we get a narrow 1-0 win thanks to a goal from Untouchable Occam but somewhat bizarrely, both our first choice and substitute keepers get injured.

retired_spoonlawlor

Brilliant idea and brilliant execution

Raptor

It's still weird

BarryLFC

still loving this

retired_amyslack

Thanks for your encouragement guys

March 2003

The month gets underway with a game against Respondent Thorn at Dead Peel. This is a critical encounter as they are 4 points behind us in the final relegation place, and a win here would go a long way to securing our safety. Conversely, a defeat would drag us right back into the mire. My pre-match talk to the players is, in my humble opinion, probably the finest example of motivation through terror that you could ever hear. Never have I seen a group of footballers leave a dressing room as quickly, so eager were they to enter the fray. And in a touching display of team unity, they huddled together in the centre circle performing, as far as I can understand, some kind of tribal Hakka that involved the whole body shivering and the face grimacing in a parody of abstract fear.

But, not for the fist time, I did wonder if I had overdone things slightly. With no more than 30 seconds on the clock, skipper Docile Drunk went scything into a tackle about waist high and was immediately dismissed. However, such was the adrenaline level out on the pitch, that this made no discernible difference to the team, and 3 minutes later Dylan Sponlap put us into the lead. We continued to set about our hosts with a vengeance and within minutes Pablo Dunall joined Docile in the dressing room following a challenge that looked more like a Hulk Hogan drop kick than a legitimate tackle.

A momentary lack of concentration allowed Respondent Thorn an equaliser and, with only 9 men on the pitch, it looked like we may concede further goals. But to my surprise, half time came and went with the match all-square. In the second half we actually had more possession than the home side and created more chances. It was almost as though our opponents were afraid to get too close to any of our players! Unfortunately we were unable to get a winning goal, but a 1-1 draw was reasonable in the circumstances.

Next up is a midweek encounter at home to Treacly Pascal, the team just above us on goal difference. Another crucial match and another graphic motivational team talk. On the morning of the match we get a letter from the FA stating that the club has been fined £20,000 for "your poor disciplinary record". Cheeky sods - intolerant refereeing, that's the real problem! Anyway, a trouble-free match follows and a brace from Dylan Sponlap gives us a valuable 2-0 win and moves us 7 points clear of the relegation places.

The day before our next match I am summoned to the boardroom for a meeting. As I step into the room I briefly wonder if I have accidentally gone to the wrong club, as I don't recognise anyone there. A gentleman who introduces himself as Nina Eyebrow explains that Dr. Obstacle and the old board have been replaced and that he is the new Chairman. He also explains that a substantial cash injection has been made to clear the club's debts and to bring in new players. When he tells me what we now have in the transfer kitty, I have to ask him to repeat what he just said. He repeats what he just said and I faint. When I am revived I once again seek clarification. He tells me again. I faint again. When I wake up a second time, the board have given up on me and left, but I find Zag Library and the coaching staff swigging champagne and generally having a rare old time. I guess that they must have heard the news. I ask Zag if he has heard what we now have in the transfer fund, and, just before I lose consciousness for the third time I faintly hear him say "£7 Million"!

I am still trying to absorb the news the next morning as we travel to Forum Rot for our match against Blur Yen. They are 4 places, but only 2 points, ahead of us, so this is another great opportunity to keep up our momentum. I must confess to not being fully focussed in the dressing room and my team talk is a bit half-hearted. The results of my lax attitude are clear as we go into half time 2-0 down. I am more like myself during the interval and Rodding Tamely responds by pulling a goal back in the second half, but we are unable to complete our recovery and lose 2-1.

With a 10-day break before our next match I decide to start spending some of our windfall. I manage to secure the services of Guano Hasher (Aaron Hughes, 23, D/DM RLC) and Carr Clot (Carl Cort, 25, S C) from Unlaced Twenties for a total cost of £3.5M, half of our kitty. I hope that this will both strengthen us defensively and give us more firepower up front. Our opponents are Untamed Whites, currently 5th in the table, so I don't expect too much. This means that I am not too disappointed when we lose 2-0.

We have another idle spell because of Euro 2004 qualifiers but this gives me an excellent chance to oversee the Eco Mix friendly, another match against Ultra Asia. We get a fine 4-1 win with Bonjour Dialup Gazer scoring twice and Jorge Tried Bat and Ramona Patio Collection getting one each. Bonjour was voted man of the match and was presented with a jeroboam of Mezcal (the kind with the worm in the bottle) that really livened up the coach trip back to the hotel.

I am back home just in time for our final game of the month, a really tough match at home to top of the table Chicory Twin. We get off to a great start with an early goal from Robust Thelma but the visitors equalise almost immediately. We battle really hard and manage to go into the break still even. It is more of the same in the second half and after 60 minutes I make a triple substitution to replace some very tired players. Just minutes later Aldrich Du Birr comes off injured and we have to play out the match with 10 men. But we hold on for a very good point. We stay in 20th place but a win for Respondent Thorn means that we are now just 5 points above the drop zone. It turns out that Aldrich has a torn groin muscle that will rule him out for the rest of the season.