BobBev

May 2002

So we have our final league match of the season with the opportunity to gain automatic promotion firmly in our own hands. We are second in the table, just one point ahead of Daffy Critic, so a win will guarantee us a place in Divison 1 next season. To make things even better we have a home match against Down Winston, who are bottom of the league. Daffy Critic also play at home against Bert Frond who are 18th. A goal in the very first minute from Karl Lamdarts gets us off to a great start. A second 12 minutes later, scored by Pablo Dunall adds to our delight and the 6,042 loyal Cottony Nuts fans who can be arsed to turn up for one of the biggest matches in the club's recent history, applaud politely. No wonder we have such financial problems - our level of support is abysmal. The game is over as a contest when Dylan Sponlap gets the third just before half time.

Daffy Critic beat Bert Frond 4-2, but it doesn't matter - we are runners up in the Second Divison and promotion is ours. The players do a faintly surreal lap of honour around the mostly empty stadium as we celebrate our triumph. The Board respond in their usual half-hearted manner - frankly a limp handshake and a glass of sweet sherry doesn't qualify as an enthusiastic celebration in my book! At least there is some champagne on ice in the changinig rooms - I say champagne, but when I take a closer look I discover that it is in fact "an exotic blend of reconstituted orange juice and the finest carbonated wine that Bulgaria has to offer".

In the playoff semi finals Nun Tow Lot beat Daffy Critic 4-2 on aggregate and Rag Prank Queerness record a resounding 8-2 aggregate score over Fleeced Shirt. In the final Nun Tow Lot triumph 2-0, thereby demonstrating the fundamental fairness of the playoff system, having finished 6th in the league, 9 points behind the 3rd placed team.

So now that all of the promotion and relegation issues are settled the final league table looks like this.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">********************************************* ********************************************** English Second Division - Sunday 2nd June 2002********************************************** *********************************************Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------1st C Be Snarly 46 17 4 2 49 22 14 3 6 40 27 100 2nd P COTTONY NUTS 46 14 4 5 31 24 10 6 7 20 19 82 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3rd Daffy Critic 46 13 3 7 44 32 10 9 4 47 35 81 4th Rag Prank Queerness 46 14 5 4 40 20 9 5 9 37 38 79 5th Fleeced Shirt 46 12 6 5 46 32 8 7 8 31 27 73 6th P Nun Tow Lot 46 11 6 6 38 23 9 6 8 36 34 72 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------7th Opal Block 46 14 5 4 49 26 7 4 12 35 44 72 8th Hurtle Polygamy 46 11 4 8 39 31 11 2 10 34 35 72 9th Rapt Vole 46 11 5 7 42 31 9 3 11 35 32 68 10th Methodical Halt 46 14 6 3 38 20 4 8 11 25 34 68 11th Rebooter Pugh 46 10 7 6 38 28 7 9 7 38 43 67 12th Electrocuted Shin 46 12 5 6 35 25 7 5 11 27 33 67 13th Earwax Calender 46 10 7 6 41 33 8 4 11 30 37 65 14th Tandem Inflows 46 11 7 5 38 30 4 10 9 23 32 62 15th Wichita Tangle 46 12 5 6 47 30 5 4 14 26 41 60 16th That Lemon Wench 46 10 6 7 40 32 7 3 13 33 45 60 17th Overarm Renters 46 10 6 7 43 32 6 5 12 33 41 59 18th Bert Frond 46 11 4 8 34 34 4 6 13 26 39 55 19th Stoic Trilby 46 10 6 7 38 35 4 7 12 31 49 55 20th Turn Toy Stopcock 46 7 10 6 30 30 6 5 12 36 49 54 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------21st R Herded Fluids 46 10 1 12 30 37 3 7 13 26 42 47 22nd R Wayworn Decembers 46 8 6 9 40 40 1 8 14 23 41 41 23rd R Patron Month 46 6 6 11 30 43 3 1 19 20 66 34 24th R Down Winston 46 4 7 12 34 47 3 4 16 25 51 32</pre>

BobBev

June/July 2002

The Board have kindly informed me that they are "delighted with your general performance as manager. However, the club's financial situation could be better". No sh*t Sherlock - we are £8.5 Million in debt - of course our financial situation could be better! If the locals would make a bit of an effort to attend the matches that would help - we have a 21,500 capacity stadium and our average attendance is 6,311 - pathetic. Another alternative would be for the Board to get their chequebooks out and invest some money in the club instead of squandering it on "an exotic blend of reconstituted orange juice and the finest carbonated wine that Bulgaria has to offer". I must admit that some of the wages are a bit on the high side for a club in our positon, but then again, quality managers don't come cheap these days.

Dylan Sponlap is voted the Fans Player of the Year - I'm amazed that any of the apathetic muppets could be bothered to make the effort.

As we start our preparations for life in Division One our financial situation is improved somewhat when we recieve a tidy sum for TV rights. With some reasonable season ticket sales we are now just £2.5 Million in the red. The Board are "expecting a difficult season ahead" but have generously allowed me a transfer budget of £110K - I'll try not to spend it all at once.

Towards the end of July I get a very interesting phone call inviting me to apply for the position as the national coach for Eco Mix. Apparently they have been very impressed by my anagramming skills at Cottony Nuts considering the poor material that I have to work with. The governing body feel that given the already exotic nature of the names on offer, the results could be very impressive. I immediately accept the offer and set to work in a frenzy of international anagramming.

flipsix3

Well I started reading this, today, while eating my breakfast - by the time I got through the profiles there were soggy cornflakes everywhere - laughed so hard I nearly choked.

Congrats on promotion, although with a name like Be Snarly you were never going to overhaul the champions, and good luck with "E-Comix".

Shame about Patron Month - as those who witnessed my CMS debut know, I've always had a soft spot for the Cobblers

BobBev

flipsix3 - thank you for your kind words. I sincerely apologise for almost being the cause of your untimely demise :eek: I am looking forward to anagramming at International level, although I am slightly concerned that the increased frequency of the letter Z may cause me some problems. But these are the challenges that must be faced - as the saying goes "If you can't stand the thea then get out of the thicken".

nerf

Congratulations on the promotion BobBev! I'm just glad that Stoic Trilby survived, wouldn't want their heads to drop (there's almost a joke in there somewhere). And what did Down Winston expect with a name like that?

Very enjoyable story. 'Mon the Nuts!

BobBev

Thanks nerf. BTW, glad to see that your ageing Uruguayan striker Oceanside Flan is doing the business for Ragusa

BobBev

August 2002

We have secured a couple of players on loan for the rest of this season. Firstly we have managed to get Daring Porchs back on loan from Vet Tory Cynic. Daring looked like quite a good player when he wasn't injured, so here's hoping that he can stay fit this time. Our second loan is Robust Thelma (Thomas Butler, 21, AM R) from Nuns Ladder.

We get the new season underway with a home match against Mincy Catheters. We have played them once before, in last season's League Cup 1st Round, and we lost 2-1. Alas we are unable to avenge this defeat and we lose 1-0.

I have to name my very first squad for the forthcoming friendly between Eco Mix and their great rivals north of the border, Unstated Ties. This is a bit of a grudge match and the Eco Mix FA are keen to get a good result. So the squad is named as follows.


Jeeroz Ponce (Conejo Pérez, 29, GK, 29 caps)
Wash Ozone Scald (Oswaldo Sánchez, 28, GK, 16 caps)
Quit Learn Banjo (JoaquÃ*n Beltrán, 25, SW/D C, 25 caps, 14 goals)
Hairier Cooing (Ignacio Hierro, 24, D RC, 24 caps, 10 goals)
Flamer Quaraze (Rafael Marquez, 23, D RC, 23 caps, 19 goals)
Dave Poplar (Pável Pardo, 26, D RL, 88 caps, 2 goals)
Rocco Rams Rosa (Óscar Mascorro, 22, D C, 2 caps, 1 goal)
Onion Ant Chaos (Antonio Sancho, 26, DM LC, 1 cap)
Ramona Morsel (Ramón Morales, 26, D/AM/F L, 23 caps, 1 goal)
Jealous Larsen (Jesús Arellano, 29, D/AM/F R, 55 caps, 7 goals)
Head-Jarring Ouzo (Joahan RodrÃ*guez, 26, DM R, 14 caps, 1 goal)
Tapioca Starr (Pirata Castro, 26, D/DM C)
Legal Marvin (Germán Villa, 29, DM RC, 68 caps)
Bonjour Dialup Gazer (Juan Pablo RodrÃ*guez, 23, M C, 19 caps)
Arab Vroom (Omar Bravo, 22, AM/F R)
Ramona Patio Collection (Marco Antonio Capetillo, 26, AM R)
Glazed Emu Pie (Miguel Zepeda, 26, AM/F R, 29 caps, 4 goals)
Neanderthal Bozos Jeer (José Alberto Hernández, 25, AM RC, 4 caps)
Coercive Orations (Cesáreo Victorino, 23, AM LC, 11 caps)
Coach So Oral (Carlos Ochoa, 24, F C)
Doreen Franca (Fernando Arce, 22, F RC, 4 caps)
Untouchable Occam (Cuauhtémoc Blanco, 29, F LC, 51 caps, 21 goals)
Farcical Japonica Nunes (Juan Francisco Palencia, 29, F RC, 72 caps, 8 goals)
Nora Indigestion (Antonio de Nigris, 24, S C, 14 caps, 4 goals)
Jorge Tried Bat (Jared Borgetti, 28, S C, 31 caps, 12 goals)
Oilier Ammo (Emilio Mora, 24, F LC, 13 caps, 1 goal)

On balance, I am pretty pleased with the general quality, especially given the relative frequency of the dreaded Z.

But back to Cottony Nuts and I have at last been able to strengthen the coaching staff. Islam Wiggler (Greg Williams) and Rebel Putter (Peter Butler) come on board. I am hoping that at least one of them may be able to teach the strikers how to score goals, although I won't be holding my breath.

Our next league match sees us taking on Stringy Womb at Pull Red Blank. We slump to a 2-1 defeat with Dylan Sponlap getting our goal.

Just a couple of days later we have a League Cup 1st Round match at home to Second Division Methodical Halt. I decide to continue with my "No point in putting out a decent team in the cup as it only tires them out" strategy. We will have a hard enough time in the league this season without any other distractions. This works like a charm and we lose 3-0. Unfortunately it has the unintended side effect of an injury to Rodding Tamely who will be out for 2 weeks, and a red card for Airbag Calhoun. In order to minimise the effect of his inevitable suspension, Airbag does the honourable thing and injures himself in training the next day and he will be out for a month.

The day before the Eco Mix friendly, Neanderthal Bozos Jeer has to withdraw due to injury. In his place I call up Alfred Anemia (Rafael Medina, 22, AM R).

By the miracles of modern electronics, I am somehow able to be in two places at the same time. Firstly there is the Cottony Nuts home match against Vet Tory Cynic. I wish that I hadn't been there because we lose 2-1 with Creaky Anders getting our consolation goal. Had I been absent, then I could have blamed someone else. This was followed almost instantaneously by the Eco Mix match. This was much better and I had the pleasure of seeing my boys get a handsome 3-1 win against the Gringos. Our goalscorers were Quit Learn Banjo, Untouchable Occam and Doreen Franca with Coercive Orations getting el Hombre del Igual award (a life-sized stuffed donkey, which I thought was a lovely touch).

No rest for the wicked though, and we were back into league action just 2 days later, travelling to Seth Larkspur to play Blind Meow. I point out to the players that with 3 defeats in 3 games, this would be an awfully good time to get a win. They respond magnificently and Adrian Cornish scores a good goal in the second half. Unfortunately by this time Blind Meow have already scored 3 so it was of little benefit.

So at the end of August we have the less than proud record of played 5, lost 5. By some miracle of mathematics we are in 21st place in the table, with 3 even worse teams below us. This somehow raises my spirits and I am now feeling much more positive.

BobBev

September 2002

At the start of this month we have two players promoted from the Youth Academy - this is a great surprise to me, as I didn't even know we had an Academy. Still, beggars can't be choosers, so we welcome Arlen Beck (Ben Clarke, 17, F LC) and Addis Grover (David Rogers, 18, AM/F L). Arlen is quite a poor effort, anagramwise-speaking, but I like the sound of Addis.

Our first match of the month is a home game against Cow Twinship. The surprises continue as we get our first win of the season thanks to a goal from Dylan Sponlap and a fine display of goalkeeping from Neo-natal Jordan. The bad news is that Oldish Charmer will be out for 3 weeks with a knee injury.

Next up is a midweek trip to The Tina Rabin Stadium to play Icky Totes. Our winning streak is broken before it really gets started as we have Adrian Cornish sent of after half an hour and slump to a 4-1 defeat, with Karl Lamdarts getting our consolation goal. Adrian gets a ridiculous 3-match ban and I immediately appeal - it should be much longer, the useless pillock!

At the weekend we are on the road again, visiting Roughish Boll to play Snaffled Weedy Hides. Another player dismissed and another defeat. The player in question - Daring Porchs. The scoreline - 3-0. Daring picked up two yellow cards and will have to serve a one-match suspension. I am getting rather frustrated by our pathetic performances but I am not quite sure what to do about it - I may have to resort to violence!

A week later and he have our third successive away game. This time we travel to The Wharton Rodlike Stadium to take on Nun Tow Lot. They are having an even worse season than us so far, with no points from 7 games. I recall Docile Drunk to the team and give him the captain's armband. I also spend a lot of time going on and on about how crucial it is that we beat this lot, as a defeat to one of the few teams below us in the table will be totally unacceptable and dire punishments will follow should we lose. For once the players must have been listening to me, as we get a good 2-0 win, with captain Docile getting the first goal and Karl Lamdarts netting the second. Much of the credit must also go to Neo-natal Jordan who played a blinder in goal.

A few days later we have a midweek match at home to Citronella Thatch. Despite taking the lead through Heliogram Chub, we are unable to hold on and eventually lose 2-1.

The next weekend we have another home game with Be Snarly the visitors. They are two points and one place ahead of us and I have another major rant before the match, highlighting the critical nature of this game and explaining in intimate detail what will happen to the players should we lose. A 1-0 victory is obtained, thanks to a goal from Creaky Anders and we swap placed in the table with our opponents. My "no more Mr. Nice Guy" approach seems to be working - after all, fear is just a form of respect.

HD

A delight

BobBev

Thanks HD - it's fun to write so I'm glad that it's also fun to read


October 2002

The month gets off to great start when I read in the papers that Football's own Elephant Man, Pollen Tramcar has been sacked by the Turn Toy Stopcock Board. No longer will I have to make the players wear blindfolds lest they catch a glimpse of his ugliness and turn to stone.

Our first game of the month is at home to Respondent Thorn. This is another opportunity to move up the table, as they are just one point and one place above us. Sticking to my new philosophy that "the careful application of terror is also a form of communication", I promise unspeakable acts of retribution on the players and their families if a victory is not obtained. Karl Lamdarts takes my threats a little too seriously and, crazed with terror, he starts the match like a man possessed and is sent off after two minutes for a wild two-footed challenge. But despite this setback, we still manage to win 1-0, thanks to a goal from Jackal Glood and another inspired goalkeeping display from Neo-natal Jordan. The 3 points sends us leaping up the table and we are now in 17th place, but still only 3 points off the relegation places.

A few days later we are on the road again to visit Decry Bounty at Rapid Perk. I have no great expectations as several players are rested but we take an early lead through Pablo Dunall. The home side dominate the rest of the half but we have some lucky escapes, including having an equaliser disallowed for offside. Just when it looks like we will get to half time in front Decry Bounty equalise in stoppage time. The second half continues in the same vein but, just as I am thinking that we may get an unexpected point, we have yet another player sent off. Andrei Garlic is the culprit this time, and the home side take advantage of the extra man to grab a winning goal.

Next up Blur Yen visit the Waldo Enema. This is another must-win match as they are only a point ahead of us. I give my standard pre-match talk for this type of match, giving a lurid description of the various punishments that will be inflicted should the team fail to deliver the three points required. My unrivalled motivational skills have the desired effect and we win 2-1 with goals from Creaky Anders and Karl Lamdarts.

Our next match is a televised midweek encounter with Treacly Pascal at Ruthless Park. The mid-table is so congested that they are one point but five places above us. Once again I highlight the importance of a good result, especially as there will be several dozen people watching us on Sky Sports 17 or whatever. We manage a 1-1 draw thanks to a late equaliser from Andrei Garlic.

At the weekend we have one of the biggest matches of the season so far - a local derby with fierce rivals Informants Ghetto. After another one of my colourful motivational speeches we take the field at the Waldo Enema and in front of our biggest crowd of the season we get a 2-1 win with goals from Dylan Sponlap and Raphael Uffnen.

The last piece of good news this month is the sacking of Naive Gekken by the Mincy Catheters board. I'd love, really love it, if he never gets another job in football!