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Our first league match this month has us travelling to The Clean Imp Stadium to take on Herded Fluids. As our opponents are stuck at the bottom of the table I rather expect to take full points from this fixture. We do indeed get a 1-0 victory thanks to an early goal from Creaky Anders. Had it not been for the fine performance of the Herded Fluids keeper and the inaccuracy of my own players then we would have had a more flattering scoreline. But, three points are three points and this win raises us to the heady heights of 6th and into the playoff places - can we end the season now please?
My cunning tactic of exiting the League Cup at the earliest opportunity is paying dividends, as we have none of those inconvenient midweek cup matches to get in the way of our preparation for our league campaign. So we have a full week off before our next match when Hurtle Polygamy roll up in a convoy of tractors at the Waldo Enema. The night before the match I have a premonition that we will win 3-0 with a hat trick from Snead Bootlick. It is uncanny how right I am - we win 1-0 with a goal from Dylan Sponlap. We have a slight injury problem as Rodding Tamely damages a heel and will be out for 10 days. Now in my book, if you hurt your heel playing football then that is a sign that you are not kicking the ball properly - I make a mental note to give Rodding some extra kicking training.
For our next match we make the journey to Hickman Warp to play Arthritic Vino Chow in the FA Cup 1st Round. For most of the week I have been praying that we do not suffer the indignity of going out of the cup to a Conference side. It seems that someone was listening because a goal by Hatch Yorktown is enough to give us a 1-0 victory. The draw for the 2nd round has us on the road again, this time playing Third Division Radon Glint at The Toughened Farms.
Our final match of the month is a home league fixture against struggling Electrocuted Shin. The visitors take an early lead and we go into the break 1-0 down. I give the lads a bit of a lecture in the changing room at half time - my subject was Italian renaissance artists and they seemed to quite enjoy it. In the second half we went into a 2-1 lead with goals from Raphael Uffnen and Pablo Dunall but unfortunately Electrocuted Shin got a late equaliser and we had to settle for a 2-2 draw. Still, I can't be too disappointed as we have had our first unbeaten month and we are sitting 5th in the table.
The month starts off with a jaunt to Lev Parka to play Rapt Vole. Stanchion Felon has picked a knee injury in training so he is replaced by Andrei Garlic in the centre of defence. We sneak a 1-0 win thanks to a goal in stoppage time by Pablo Dunall.
It's FA Cup action next as we head off to The Toughened Farms to face Third Division Radon Glint. In keeping with my strategy of early cup exits, we play rather poorly and get beaten 1-0. Now we can focus on the League without having to worry about any of those annoying money-spinning encounters against Premier League teams!
Oh no - I spoke too soon. I forgot all about the bloody Vans Trophy. I just got a fax telling me that we will be playing Third Division Clonic Linty in the Northern Section 2nd Round.
After a particularly gruelling midweek training session, Volatile Unshell informs me of his decision to retire from the playing staff. However he will continue as a coach. In the same session Lacy Bagpiper suffers a groin strain and will be out for a month.
Back into league action and we venture into deepest, darkest Wiltshire to play Down Winston at The Dungy Crouton. The home side are struggling in the league and I expect the boys to get a win here. We pretty much dominate the match but just can't get the ball in the net. I am getting increasingly frustrated until two late goals by Isabel Carthage and Dylan Sponlap give us a 2-0 victory.
Christmas is fast approaching and we have three league matches over the Festive Period, the first of which is against Rag Prank Queerness at Tudor Loafs. They inflicted a 2-0 defeat on us in our first match of the season but this game is much closer. There is little to choose between the teams and the final result is a 1-1 draw with Creaky Anders scorng our goal.
After a day off to spend Christmas Day with their families the players are back at the Waldo Enema on Boxing Day for our match against Methodical Halt. We are looking to avenge our earlier defeat at Our Bandy Park and we get off to a great start through an early goal from Dylan Sponlap. Midway through the first half Creaky Anders gets our second and we go into the break 2-0 ahead. The visitors pull one back in the second half but we manage to hold on for a 2-1 win. Unfortunately Docile Drunk gets his 5th yellow card of the season and will have to serve a 1-match suspension.
We bring December to an end by playing hosts to Stoic Trilby. A few players have to be rested to allow them to recover their fitness but Stanchion Felon is back from injury. This is a very even match and the visitors open the scoring near the end of the first half. We equalise just after the restart through Rodding Tamely and with 20 minutes remaning the Stoic Trilby keeper is sent off for a professional foul. Jackal Glood blasts home the penalty and we see the rest of the game out for a 2-1 win.
This was a pretty good month for us and we keep our unbeaten league run going. We are now sittng 4th in the table.
New Years Day - I can't believe that they make us play on New Years Day. And it's an away match. And I've got the mother of all hangovers. And it's wet. And cold. And windy. I am not happy as we pitch up at Dreary Togs to play Earwax Calender. I am slightly happier when we leave as we managed to scrape a lucky 1-1 draw thanks to an equalising goal from Karl Lamdarts. It wasn't one of our better performances but a point's a point after all.
That Joan Hanson finishes his loan and returns to Erectly Iciest. Good riddance to bad anagrams, that's what I say.
We should have been travelling to Bimodal Flooder for a midweek match against Opal Block but shortly before our departure I get a phone call telling me that the match is postponed because of bad weather.
Our unexpected postponment gives us a few extra days to prepare for our weekend match at home to league leaders Fleeced Shirt. With Docile Drunk serving his one-match suspension I bring Isabel Carthage into central defence. This was a fairly even match but we suffer from our old problem of not being able to convert our chances. The visitors, however, do not suffer from the same problem and we slump to a 2-0 defeat.
Just a couple of days later and we have a home game against Third Division Clonic Linty in the Vans Trophy. This match does not go to plan and we win 1-0 thanks to a goal from Aldrich Du Birr - he obviously does not understand my "early cup exit" strategy. If we continue with performances like this then it could undermine our whole season! Anyway, in the Northern Section Quarter Final we will have an away match against Methodical Halt.
At the weekend we are back into league action, travelling to Donna Drool Stadium to play Rebooter Pugh. Neo-natal Jordan will start in goal and Sandra Gutter is relegated to the bench. Despite the home side havnig a man sent off early in the second half we have to settle for a 0-0 draw. We created enough chances to win the match but with only 1 shot on target from 8 attempts our finshing was appalling.
We are straight into a midweek match at home to struggling Patron Month. Pablo Dunall has an excellent game in midfield and once again we make quite a lot of chances but struggle to convert them. Finally Dylan Sponlap manages to get the ball in the net and we get a 1-0 win.
We have the weekend off thanks to my brilliant "lose in the first round of the cup" strategy - it's really starting to pay dividends now. Our last match of the month is the rearranged fixture with Opal Block. The day before the game Stanchion Felon gets a calf strain in training and will be out for a month. My search for a striker who can actually score goals has got more and more desperate and I have resorted to taking a youngster called Via Penury on loan from Conference side Banter. He gets an immediate start and imagine my surprise when he scores our only goal. A brlliant dsplay of goalkeeping by Neo-natal Jordan ensures that we keep a clean sheet and get a 1-0 win.
Our first match this month is at home to Turn Toy Stopcock. You may recall that when we played them back in September I expressed concern over the reaction of my players to the extreme ugliness of their manager Pollen Tramcar. Well time has not improved his looks and I decide to take radical action to combat his negative effect on the team. I instruct all of the players to wear blindfolds so that they will not be distracted by his hideous countenance. Now not being completely stupid I also instruct our backroom staff to ensure that the match balls are modified to incorporate bells thrust deep in their innards so that the players can use their acute sense of hearing to determine the approximate location of the ball. I am confident that given the in-depth preparation that we have made for this match, we cannot help but record a resounding victory.
Our rather unorthodox tactics have mixed results. On the positive front we score 3 goals, with Karl Lamdarts, Pablo Dunall and Creaky Anders being the providers. The bad news is that we also concede 3, mainly due to the fact that Neo-natal Jordan spent most of the match facing the wrong way in goal. I had no idea that he was deaf in one ear, otherwise I would have taken special measures to ensure that he was at least facing the right direction. However, I do take careful note that one or two or our players put in excellent performances and I may consider having them wear the blindfolds for the rest of the season .
We only have a couple of days rest before our next match. This is an away game against Methodical Halt in the Vans Trophy Northern Section Quarter Final. To my great annoyance the players totally disregard my pre-match instructions and we win 1-0 thanks to an Aldrich Du Birr penalty. So much for my "don't try too hard in these cup matches because they just make you tired" strategy. In the Northern Section Semi Final we will be playing Wichita Tangle at the Waldo Enema.
You know, people often say to me "Oi you, what are you doing in my garden?". It's amazing the fun you can have with a cheap pair of binoculars! Anyway, we are on the road again for our next match as we travel to the Wharton Rodlike Stadium to play Nun Tow Lot. They are just one place behind us so it is important that we come away with a result of some sort. I am looking to team captain Docile Drunk to lead by example. He has been very consistent since his arrival. He is not the most mobile of players (to be honest, I've seen milk turn quicker), but he is big and strong and is an influential figure in central defence. The captain does everything that is asked of him and, despite going into the break a goal down, a second half equaliser from Karl Lamdarts gives us a 1-1 draw.
Our next league match is at home against That Lemon Wench and I am very pleased with the 2-1 win. We created a number of chances, two of whch were taken by Andrei Garlic and Creaky Anders. It was a pretty solid performance all round.
We only have a couple of days rest before our next match, the pesky Vans Trophy Semi Final. A number of players are rested and in an effort to ensure that we end our involvement in this inconvenient competition Volatile Unshell is recalled as number one keeper. It works like a charm and we lose 2-0 and can now focus on the league.
Before our next league match we agree a loan deal with Vet Tory Cynic for a promising young defender called Daring Porchs (Richard Spong, 18, SW/D RC). Daring is straight into the starting lineup for our home game against Bert Frond and with Volatile having done what was required in the last match Sandra Gutter is selected in goal. The visitors are struggling in the league and fully expect a win. It seems, however, that some of the players have other ideas and Karl Lamdarts gets himself sent off after 20 minutes for arguing with the ref. In Karl's defence I have to say that the man in black, a Mr. Enforceable Denim, was appalling and at the end of the game I immediately appealed against the sending off and made an official complaint about the ref. The visitors took the lead just before half time but all credit to our boys as they fought back with two second half goals from Dylan Sponlap and Aldrich Du Birr for a commendable 2-1 win. Sandra Gutter had a really good game in goal and his performance is one of the main reasons for the three points.
A few days later I hear from the FA. Whilst they agree that the standard of refereeing in out last match was poor they still uphold Karl's red card and his one-match suspension - b'staads!
Midweek league action next with a trip to Mad Parkas to play Wayworn Decembers. Our hosts are second bottom of the table so I am expecting great things here. However, my players seem to have a habit of confounding my expectations and we play very poorly and loose 3-1. The home side scored with 3 of their 4 shots on target; we scored with 1 of our 7, and that came from Pablo Dunall who plays in midfield. For an hour after the match is finished I rant and rave at the players and really give vent to my feelings. When I finally run out of breath I notice that the changing room is completely empty - the sods have snuck out and buggered off in the coach without me and I have to take a very expensive taxi ride home. They will really suffer in training for that little trick.
Our first game of the month is against Daffy Critic at Pain Rankin. Our opponents are one place and two points behind us in the table, so a defeat here would see us slip down to 4th. I think that my balls must be crsytal, because we do lose (1-0 as it happens) and we do in fact slip down to 4th. Not that we played badly - they scored, we didn't, simple really.
Our run of easy games continues with a midweek match at home to league leaders Be Snarly. For long periods of the match we outplay the runaway leaders but once again our achilles heel is our lack of firepower. They score two, we score none. Their keeper had a blinding game but we still had enough chances to win. I am getting increasingly frustrated at our impotence in front of goal.
We are on the road again for our next match, playing Tandem Inflows at the Ill-Filmed Stadium. Stanchion Felon is now fully fit again so he is back into central defence. We manage to stop the rot by getting a 1-0 win, even though we played quite poorly. Isabel Carthage is our goalscorer but it was a bit of a fluke - an overhit pass that deceived the home keeper. The bad news is that Daring Porchs will be out for 2 weeks with a thigh strain. This is a blow because he has been playing very well since coming in on loan.
In our next match we entertain Overarm Renters and once again our inability to score costs us points as we are held to a 0-0 draw. We have the best defensive record in the league, with just 38 goals conceded in 38 games. Unfortunately we have scored precisely 39 goals!
Next up is a crucial match against Hurtle Polygamy at Ham Poker. We are level on points with our hosts and a win would see us go up from 5th to 3rd. Maybe I do have crystal balls after all because we do win and we do go up to 3rd. Goals from Dylan Sponlap and Creaky Anders give us a 2-0 victory. Unfortunately Docile Drunk gets his 10th booking of the season and will serve a two-match suspension. We are now level on points with second placed Daffy Critic but you can probably guess who has the better goal difference.
Our final game of the month is at home to lowly Herded Fluids. I explain to the players slowly, and in vivid detail, just exactly what will happen to them if we slip up today and lose our momentum again. Suffice to say that it will not be pleasant for anyone involved. I am horrified to see that today's ref is none other than my old friend Enforceable Denim. He is less than cordial to me so I assume that he did not appreciate my complaint to the FA. I arrange with our Physio Garry Creole to slip some laxatives into Mr. Denim's half time cuppa - let's see how he likes that. A goal from the excellent Creaky Anders gives us a 1-0 win. The match was interrupted mid way through the second half when the referee had to leave the pitch due to illness and the fourth official had to take over - strange that. The bad news is that Daring Porchs has pcked up another injury and will be out for a month - I hope that I didn't rush him back into the team too early.
Our first match this month is away to Wichita Tangle and frankly we put in a terrible performance and lose 3-0. It could have been worse as we managed to concede two penalties, one of which was saved by Neo-natal Jordan. The only postive note was a farly good performance in central defence by Isabel Carthage after he replaced the dismal Stanchion Felon at half time. The runaway league leaders, Be Snarly, confirmed their promotion with a win whilst both Patron Month and Down Winston are relegated.
After a hard week's training we put in a much better performance in our next match at home to Rapt Vole, and manage a narrow 2-1 win, thanks to a solid defensive display. Other results go our way and to my amazement we move up to second and into the automatic promotion place. Whether we can stay there is quite another matter however. The news is greeted by a deafening silence from the Boardroom - there's just no pleasing some people!
With barely a 2-day break before our next match against Electrocuted Shin at Lardy Aero I have to make a number of changes to the team selection as many of my first team are too tired to play. I ask you - all these idle sods have to do is kick a ball around for an hour and a half a couple of times a week and they are too tired! When I was a lad we would play for hours at a time every day and we were never too tired - kids today! Anyway, the youngsters that came into the side did very well. In particular Faster Mimer in central defence and Sarah Hardun up front. Sarah scored the only goal of the game to give us an unexpected, and undeserved, victory. Electrocuted Shin did everything but score and our real star was Neo-natal Jordan, who certainly deserved his Man of the Match award for his inspired goalkeeping. Another relegation place was confirmed as Wayworn Decembers wave goodbye to the Second Division.
The Mincy Catheters manager, Naive Gekken, gets some unwelcome press coverage as the FA are considering fining him for bringing the game into disrepute because of his constant complaints about refeerng decisions, his complete lack of tactical awareness and just for being one of the most annoying men in football.
We are back at the Waldo Enema for our next match against Opal Block. They are chasing a playoff place and I expect a hard game. My suspicions are confirmed and we take a bit of a battering for the first half hour or so. Then we get a big break when the visitors get a man sent off. To add insult to injury, Karl Lamdarts scores from the resulting free kick. The same player adds a second near the end and a 2-0 win is secured. With this comes a guaranteed playoff place - still not a word from the Boardroom. Perhaps it has been converted into a soundproof studio and the Board are busy making a highly profitable pop single that will pay off all of our debts. Either that or they are just a bunch of ungrateful merchant bankers!
No sooner has Hatch Yorktown got back into full training after his injury when the same injury re-occurs. Physio Garry Creole finally realises that there is a long-term problem here and we agree to send Hatch for some intensive treatment. This means that he will miss the rest of the season, but with 2 goals from 13 games we won't miss him.
We end the month with a trip to the Fix Slides Stadium to play relegated Patron Month and if we don't win this one then my name's not Big Bob de Veer. A goal from Creaky Anders gives us the lead in the first half but a late equaliser by the home side means that I am now known as Debbie Borgev. The final relegation place in the division goes to Herded Fluids, a sad end to a great anagram.
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