Dawsons Creaky Leg

retired_hamawandi · 11-18-2003, 02:52 PM

August 1st 2011

Chez Dawson

Michael looked up from the kitchen table where he had been reading the morning paper, and he looked visibly green. He called up his agent Horace, who denied knowing him and put on a fake Jamaican accent in order to confuse Michael, except it didn't work.

He was worried. The fact that Horace was acting so strangely, and that the piano making industry was being cited as a part of the hideous crime perpetrated against Esther Rantzen, all led to Michael putting 2 and 2 together.

He had a horrible suspicion that his new investment, 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' was going to be at the centre of the storm.

More worryingly, there was nothing he could do about it.

Michael walked to his living room, and braced himself for the full fury of the press.

retired_hamawandi · 11-19-2003, 09:51 AM

August 2nd 2011

Michael Dawson, Axe Murderer!

On the 31st July Esther Rantzen was shot dead in Kenya for her mammoth-sized Ivory teeth. The precise villains are unknown, but what is true, is that footballer Michael Dawson is to blame. Why? Because he is the majority shareholder in 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' in Streatham High Street, London. The Ivory from the teeth has reportedly been imported by Mr. Bob Piano for use on his piano keys. Although, because Michael Dawson is not directly involved, and because he had no way of knowing about Mr. Bob Piano's unscrupulous activities, we'll blame him anyway as he is quite famous, and on TV a lot.

Lets all boo him this afternoon when he takes to the field for Tottenham's final pre-season friendly at home to Gillingham.

B.Broomstick

retired_hamawandi · 11-19-2003, 11:29 AM

August 2nd 2011

Tottenham v Gillingham

In their final warm up game, Tottenham drew 1-1 with Gillingham, who have established a reputation as being very tough to beat. The Gills took an early lead through Magnus Myklebust, who tapped in after his initial effort had been saved. Tottenham responded 5 minutes later on 19 minutes through Nico Kranjcar who burst through after being teed up by the other perennial substitute Ben May and bent the ball around the onrushing Isaakson. Michael Dawson put in a good performance in response to the boos that echoed round the stadium in reference to the scandal of Esther Rantzen and her missing Ivory. The latest news of which is still filtering through. It looks as though it is entirely possible 'Bobs Pianos Ltd' could be completely innocent.

retired_hamawandi · 11-19-2003, 11:38 AM

August 3rd 2011

Chez Dawson

Michael sat down to his morning paper and breathed a palpable sigh of relief. The front page of the Daily Rhetoric reported that Ms. Rantzens missing Ivory teeth had been found at an Ivory carving emporium in Hampstead Heath. Wow, he was off the hook. It felt good.

He decided to end this investment malarkey, it was proving way too risky, besides, his mattress didn't feel the same without all his money stashed underneath it.

He dialled Horace, hoping the man wasn't going to avoid him today.

Michael daaaaaaaahling, how've you been. Mwah, Mwah! I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the earth!

Yes Horace, what were you doing the other day when I tried to call? Why the false accent?

Horace gulped loudly

Mikey, Mikey baby, you've got to understand.... it was the.... wrong number. You dialled.... next door.

Michael could spot a liar a mile off. He changed the subject.

So Horace, I'd like to withdraw my investments. It's proving too risky.

Of course, daaaaaahling, but my fee is 5% of £1million, which makes, errr..... £850,000.

Righty ho Michael couldn't see anything wrong with that. It seemed about right.

retired_hamawandi · 11-19-2003, 11:53 AM

August 11th 2011

Gulbuddin Hekmatyars Tea Shop

Sipping a cup of very pleasant tea, Michael entered into a lively discussion with Gulbuddin about football.

... you see, Gulbuddin, the worst player ever to play for Tottenham, has to be, without a doubt, Hao Hao.

Gulbuddin shook his head in agreement.

Well my friend, you must be glad he's up for sale then

Michael looked stunned. Then the corners of his mouth creased upwards into a goofy sort of grin.

Gulbuddin my old friend, you are remarkably well informed. How do you know?

The wizened former Afghan rebel waved his finger in the air;

You see Michael, My good friend David O'Leary, manager at Rushden and Diamonds, has a secret surveillance kit I supplied to him, in the boardroom of Marseilles, for....errr... my own 'personal' reasons. He said he heard that Ruud Gullit, the manager there is interested in him. For no less than £3million. There's also a new Ice Cream refrigerator in it for me.

Michael pulled Arthur the gnome out of his bag and hugged him. This could be the end of his nightmare with the cheeky chappie, who disliked him so much.

Was this the happiest day of his life? Even happier than his Minty Tallulah encounters? If Hao left, then Michael would be on top of the world. Heck, maybe he'd withdraw his comment regarding his displeasure at Tottenham's low league position.

Michael felt good. He paid Gulbuddin, went outside, narrowly avoided being stabbed in the leg by a mad midget and skipped all the way home.

Then he skipped all the way back as he left his house keys on the counter of the tea shop.

So he ended up just getting a taxi home.

Talk about anticlimatic...

retired_hamawandi · 11-19-2003, 02:04 PM

August 12th 2011

Chez Dawson

With what can be described as a fair degree of lament, Michael sat down to watch The Hitz Show on Channel 6 (a new channel founded in 2007, aimed at the intellectually impaired). Minty Tallulah was performing, via video link her latest Number One smash hit, "There's No Bread Better Than You".

He sunk into his big comfortable chair, with a can of non-alcoholic water, and Arthur the Gnome and listened to the storming pop genius of his former sweetheart. The reason he was watching was to test his will... to see if he was over the warbling songstress.

The beat kicked in...
Yeah, bread!, Yeah bread!
If I didn't have it, I'd be dead!
I need a split-tin loaf, maybe with poppy seeds
Oven baked, eager to please,
You know what I'm saying?
There's no bread better than you!

I'm not a fan of croissants, or muffins, or even crumpets,
The yeas extract is minimal!
Minimal!
Oh yeah!
Not much yeast involved in the baking of these goods and...
If I didn't have bread I might be dead!
Six feet underground, with no bread to keep me going
I.... Neeeeeed.... Bread!

The woman was sheer lyrical genius. The song had a rippling bassline and some wonderful squelchy noises.

A tear came to Michaels eye and his lip quivered faintly. But he realised he'd be ok. He was feeling a lot better. His grief was finally going to be controlled. He was feeling liberated! Hurray!

retired_hamawandi · 11-20-2003, 01:53 PM

Football Roolz Ok - The Weekly Football Magazine.

Season Preview

Tottenham Hotspur

Undergoing a period of transition under recently installed Kevin Keegan, Spurs have been woeful this last season. The finish was simply unacceptable for a team expected to finish in the top 4. The goal is expertly patrolled by Richard Lewis, the Welsh number one, who shows maturity beyond his young years. Michael Dawson is back this year to marshal a defence that last season looked poor. Gordon Lewis has been signed to help him, although dressing room friction between the two would not be unexpected considering Lewis robbed Dawson's World Cup spot. The Midfield looks to be distictly 'journeyman' in profile, with the solid but unspectactular Clark Keltie in the middle. Jenas is hardworking as well, and Luke Chadwick is perhaps the only player likely to score many goals from the middle. New signing, 18 year old Kenneth Eriksson looks to have vast potential, and will battle with 21 year old Ruslan Mostovoi for bragging rights on the right flank. Up front Spurs have quality in spades. Freddy Adu the eternal youngster has a place just behind the preferred front pairing of young Jamie Crosby and Landon Donovan. The forwards are ably supported by a reserve back up of Ben May and Nico Kranjcar. Robbie Keane is still buzzing around the reserves, although he really isn't the player he was. Keegan uses Stephen Carr and young David Head as wing backs, although questions must be raised over Head's defensive ability. My mum could defend with more aptitude. The rest of the squad is filled with promising youngsters with a smattering of oldies. Such youth talent as Nathan Osbourne, and Roger Hudson look hopeful of staking a claim this year. Oldies such as the forever young Francesco Totti seem to spend more time on gardening leave than playing, but Keegan will value his experience. Overall, the squad has a good mix of ages, and a fair spectrum of talent. It is clear Keegan needs to splash the cash, but will he? He has at least £3m from the sale of Chinese star Hao Hao who has departed to Marseilles, but will he choose to rely on youth instead of a cash signing or two. Estimated Position - 6th

retired_hamawandi · 11-20-2003, 02:01 PM

August 13th 2011

Chez Dawson

Michael opened his monthly credit card statement, while looking at his favourite football magazine, trying to figure out some of the big words.

His Statement read:

17 Siberian Tigers £1,200,000
3 Cans of Cola £1.22
1 Gearbox £450
19 Leopards £8,000,000
Weekly Shopping £78.97
12 Lions (Male) £866,000

He must really cut down on his 'big cat' allowance. He kept them all in the East wing of the house and sent McHugh O'McScottish to feed them, but he'd been missing for 6 days. Having too many ferocious animals left indelible marks on the ornate paint work, but he couldn't resist.

Michael banged on the wall loudly in an effort to stop the large cats from snarling in an agitated fashion on the other side of the house, but to no avail.

He decided to go for a run to train for the big kick off in 3 days.