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The old man shuffled across the carpet, with his blanket wrapped closely around him. Shivering, he sat in a chair by a roaring fire. A young nurse came over to him and had to explain that retirement for a footballer wasn't the same as retirement for an old person. He didn't need to be munching pills to prevent him from crapping out his intestines through his backside, or be taking tablets to prevent his brain from flushing itself out of his nose.
Dejectedly, Michael staggered out of the old folks home, and dumped his tweed suit and tatty bowler hat in a nearby bin. He walked along the street for a while, kicking stones out of the way, stooped with his hands in his pockets.
Four years ago last May he had received a new contract as a reward of sorts for battling through several years of injury, and returning at the right time to guide Spurs to safety, and then into relative respectability. The last few years had seen Spurs finish 7th, 6th, 3rd and most recently 6th again. He had been an integral part of the first three years, also making an F.A. Cup final appearance and getting two winners medals after stealing one from Richard Evans, the goalkeeper. He had played an integral part on the run to the UEFA Cup semi-final in season 2015/16, where Surprisingly lost to GAK of Austria 3-2 on aggregate. This last season he had barely made an appearance, playing cameo roles from the bench as his legs grew ever more creaky. He had finally retired and was considering what to do with the rest of his life.
Those wasted years hurt so much... Michael considered the pain as he sat down on a grassy verge. It was excruiating. It was eating into him like the spines of a particularly *****ly hedgehog. He removed the particularly *****ly hedgehog from under his backside and the excruciating pain subsided somewhat. The pain then came flooding back. Michael removed the fangs of the Puff Adder from his hip, and threw it away. He then realised he had accidentally, whilst deep in thought walked into London Zoo.
May i just add, that the vicious looking expletives that were deleted actually contribute to the word pr1ckly, and refer to the sharpness of an object rather than to its penis characteristics.
He hadn't won any more England caps, which had been a disappointment. But the injuries hadn't helped his cause.
He hadn't had any more productive relationships. The nearest he had come was with a Dwarf called Squelchy. That was the nickname Michael gave her after he'd trodden on her as he was getting out of the bath. That proved to be the last time he had frequented the Dwarf Brothel.
There was the question of Minty Tallulah. Now on her 4th album (Ballads from, and inspired by the Mr. Men Movie: Mr Happy Dies Hard) He remembered the times when he held her tantalisingly close in his arms, and he remembered the soft curve of her foot like it was yesterday. She was still in Australia, supplementing her career as a singer with regular stints in Neighbours as Lou Carpenter's young English girlfriend. He knew her lovelife had suffered since they had parted, most notably, a failed engagement to Brad G'day, the hunky star of Hair Gel Idol.
The previous week, gripped in a frenzy of animal rights fever, Michael released all his wild cats, much to the joy of the protesters outside his gates. The joy soon turned to despair as they were all eaten on account that the wild cats hadn't been fed for several days. the wild cats then ate everybody in the town, which made everything a lot quieter, although Michael had to travel further to get his daily pint of milk for his breakfast.
His house was on the market. He emptied the money from under his bed, and invested it all in high yield Fortune-500 companies such as Twittem Prikk, who specialised in throwing money into unstable schemes, such as Horse Tennis, and Fish Olympics. It was time to stop living the extravagant lifestyle of a footballer, and it was time to move into a smaller house, settle down and have children. This was an improbable plan as Michael wasn't asexual, and needed a partner to make this possible.
Sighing, and hopeful at the same time, Michael logged on to Hideouslyexpensivetickets.com and booked a one-way ticket to Australia.
Michael landed at the airport several hours before, and checked into a hotel. He wasn't sure exactly what he was going to do, and had no idea how to do it.
She was here somewhere, he knew it. He strode along the sand holding a picture he found in a magazine of Minty, against the backdrop of Noosa's main beach. She lived somewhere just behind the sand, he'd heard it was a neoclassical extravagance straight from the pages of "Really Camp House Design" magazine.
The sand trickled through his toes as began to run. He saw her in the distance. He was sure of it.
It was a tree. He needed his eyes tested.
Michael? a voice called from somewhere behind him.
He turned.
Michael? it sounded again. He couldn't see anything. He needed some ultra thick lenses by the looks of things.
He saw her. Standing against a rocky outcrop a short distance away, her red dress fluttering in the breeze.
Michael smiled and walked towards her. She tripped up in a rockpool. She got up and carried on walking towards him.
He held her in his arms.
I'm back he whispered.
I know she replied.
They stood in silence, locked in an embrace before holding hands. they walked down the path to Minty's house. She summoned her servants to carry Michaels bag, as the couple headed towards a future together.
Michael... she asked, So how come you managed to completely cock up your career then?...
EXCLUSIVE - Michael Dawson and Minty Tallulah were wed yesterday evening on a small island off the coast of Yemen. The wedding was scheduled to be conducted in the Maldives, but the pilot, reportedly drunk, ended up going to the wrong place. Minty, six months pregnant with twins looked really fat in her dress, while football flop Michael looked pregnant with beer and sausages. The happy couple now aim to enjoy their honeymoon in Sierra Leone, before settling down to raise a family. Celeb Wedding guests included George Best (now on his 19th new liver) and the robots from Star wars.
We wish Michael and Minty all the best, and hope he recovers from his recent leg break, sustained while trying to tackle a pot plant in his garden.
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