retired_hamawandi

Seething, Michael Dawson, when confronted by journalists, was forced to adopt a smile and say the usual standard footballer cliche.

I respect the managers decision. I was entirely happy with the lineup, and thought the lads done well. At the end of the day its a game of two halves, and the lads gave 110%

He went back to his hotel room in such a rage, that he forgot to tip the Maitre'D, who then got upset and sold his story to the press.

retired_hamawandi

May 20 2010

Michael Dawson ate my Hamster

It was sensationally revealed that last night Michael Dawson launched a savage attack on poor French Maitre'D Jacques Pompidou on his return to the Park Drain Hotel, London. It was reported that Dawson, slightly miffed at not making the starting lineup for the draw with Holland, was looking to take out his anger on somebody.

Pompidou says I don't know what happened. One minute I was in the lift with him, and the next, he refused to tip me, for pressing the buttons. This astonishing claim shows the rotten core of todays football. Pompidou added, He probably would have eaten my hamster, if i'd had one.

MR. Dawson refused to comment on the story as we didn't give him the chance to give his side of the story.

In other news, In an echo of Arnold Schwarzeneggers triumph in the California Elections of 2003, Bruce Willis has been elected as Mayor of London. Also, news just in that Esther Rantzen and Carol Smillie have had their teeth blown out by gunfire in Manchesters infamous Moss Side area. The two celebrities were in Milton Keynes at the time.

retired_hamawandi

June 2010

The end of the season ended pretty unspectacularly, with Valencia finishing a respectable 3rd behind the traditional top two, Real Madrid and Barcelona. Dawson's form didn't dip in the wake of the vicious non-tipping scandal that rocked the footballing world to its core. A few 7 ratings were the minimum Dawson achieved, but his main worry was over whether the press hoo haa would affect his England chances at the World Cup. The manager Richard Rowe, assured him he was still under consideration. Dawson hoped that he could represent his beloved country at such a high level, and he felt the country in general needed a lift. Since the two talismanic TV presenters Esther Rantzen and Carol Smillie had gotten their teeth blown out, the country had been in mourning. Television output had been low, and people had been forced to watch endless repeats of Only Fools and Horses. It was a sad time for the country. Dawson was determined to rise to the occasion.

His move to Tottenham, however was something he looked forward to with a great deal of pleasure. They seemed to have hit a rocky patch, finishing only 3rd in the league, and being knocked out of the Champions League by Rotherham in the 2nd Round. He felt he could add something to the team big time.

His time at Valencia had ended well, and he made sure he bade everybody goodbye, aside from Pellegrino, who locked himself in the clubhouse and blew raspberries out of a partially opened window. He was still slightly anxious at not being transferred, and the manager had taken to buying him the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures to cheer him up. It was to no avail. Dawson was happy he didn't have to see the poor little wretch again, so he wished everyone the best of luck in the new season, and wished Spain the best of luck in the World Cup.

Michael Dawson, Valencia, 74(12)apps 2goals, AvR 8.04

retired_hamawandi

World Cup Squad Announced

The World Cup Squad was announced today, and the biggest shock of all, is the omission of veteran midfield dynamo Frank Lampard. Southampton's Joe Cole, the national captain, was quoted as saying, I know Frank quite well, and I think he'll be upset.A sensational piece of wisdom from the England Captain, showing just how much Frank will be missed. Other than that, the squad has picked itself, with one other slight change. Gordon Lewis, the 18year old Notts County centre back, previously uncapped, has made the team ahead of disgraced Michael Dawson, still reeling from the fall out over his non-tippage of a Maitre'D. Joe Cole had this to say, I know Michael quite well, and I think he'll be upset.

B.Broomstick

For full squad details and the chance to win a Michael Dawson voodoo doll, turn to page 34

retired_hamawandi

Chez Dawson, somewhere in the Hertfordshire Countryside.

Gutted, there was no other word for it. He was utterly distraught at being left out. He felt his performances more than merited inclusion in the squad. According to the paper he was on standby, so maybe there was still a chance. He thought to himself realistically that it would not happen. Jacques Pompidou had seen to that.

In tears, he sat in the garden, and organised his gnomes around the pond. His new house felt awfully lonely now, when he was left to deal with his misery. He picked up Arthur Gnome, his favourite. The red cheeked, grey bearded plaster figurines, beaming smile, and sturdy fishing rod always managed to cheer him up. He carried the Gnome indoors, and sat down in front of the TV, and watched a repeat of Only Fools and Horses, crying himself to sleep. The comforting presence of the Gnome watching over him, forever red faced and jolly, his large fishing rod symbolising hope.

retired_hamawandi

Mid June 2010

A week or so later, Michael Dawson had cheered up a little, enough to watch some of the World Cup. He and Arthur cracked open a few bottles of Beer to drink when the spectacle was on, although Dawson became slowly aware that perhaps Arthur was completely teetotal. Teetotal in the matter that all plaster based garden figurines were. Nevertheless, he resolved to respect that decision, and make him some vegetable juice, or maybe even a Cola based soft drink.

The first round of the World cup saw England drawn against Iceland, Iran and Morocco, whom they dispatched fairly easily:

England 3-1 Iceland
Cole 12,23
Rooney 25

England 6-2 Iran
Gerrard 2
Milner 35,79
Rooney 44
Pemberton 89
Bushell 90

England 2-0 Morocco
Rooney 66,67

Dawson noticed that the England defence seemed rather shaky, and had struggled to cope with the quick Iranian strikers in the second group match.
Regardless, the stats spoke for themselves and England were through.

The morning after the Morocco game, the reporter Boris Broomstick had speculated that Michael Dawson had not emerged from his house in several weeks because he had turned into a reclusive hermit. Dawson, via his agent quickly released a press bulletin, denying all events.

retired_hamawandi

Dawson Denies 'Recluse' Rumours

This afternoon, Michael Dawson sensationally revealed that he was not a reclusive hermit. Speaking on behalf of Dawson, his agent Horace Hodgkinson, said:

Michael would just like me to point out that he is not a recluse, but is just watching the World Cup, with his friend Arthur the Gnome

This conflicts with Boris Broomstick's scoop this morning, which appeared to show pictures of a bearded man with leaves in his hair swearing incoherently in Dawsons back garden.

This is Angela Ripoff, reporting for Channel 78 News...

retired_hamawandi

Michael posted a reminder to his security staff not to have any more Lord of the Rings parties down by the front gate. He couldn't risk having a burly minder, dressed as Gandalf, heaping more negative publicity on the rejected England star. He was soon due to report at Tottenham for pre season training, and needed as clean a slate as possible.

retired_hamawandi

Early July 2010

Faced with China in the Second Round of the World Cup, the England manager Richard Rowe, had decided to rest some of his star players. Rooney and Cole were rested, along with the ever youthful Ashley Cole, who had played a very long season with Barcelona and hadn't had a let up. The Game was an unexpectedly tight one, with perennial England substitute Cherno Samba slotting in at the near post with five minutes left to seal it, after China had missed 2 first half penalties.

England 1-0 China
Samba 85

Dawson had felt the game was a little too close for his liking. The inexperienced Notts County centre back Gordon Lewis, so far a surprise starter in every game, was to blame for both China's penalties. This upset Dawson especially as he felt he had a far better level of technical ability.

He spent late afternoon of that day fending off calls from tabloid journalists speculating over his alleged relationship with Minty Tallulah, the winner of Pop Singerz 2010, the show where the viewers vote for the singer with the least amount of charisma, and most amount of visible flesh.

The press release stated that, where Minty Tallulah was most probably a nice young lady, Michael Dawson was too busy watching the World Cup with his longtime Plaster of Paris chum, Arthur Gnome.

Minty Tallulah later responded with a press release of her own, denying any involvement with Dawson, but added she thought he had a really nice haircut.

retired_hamawandi

July 2010

England Sweep into Semis after Crushing Cameroon

Cameroon were crushed by England and five goal hero Wayne Rooney today, as the Three Lions cruised into a World Cup Semi Final Tussle with minnows Albania. Rooney was first of the mark with a penalty in the 10th minute after he had been felled in the box. He added a second nine minutes later after good work from strike partner Jermaine Defoe down the left flank. His third came 2 minutes after the break, a diving header from a Morgan Jefferson cross, the 19 year old Tottenham Right Back fully justifying his inclusion in the squad. Jefferson again turned provider on 80 minutes with a thundering free kick which thundered off the bar, and ricocheted off Rooney for his fourth. Rooneys fifth and best came after a mazy solo run, which culminated in a dainty chip over the stranded Cameroonian keeper on 82. Cameroon managed one shot on target all game, as Rowe's youthful England team swept up the plaudits postgame, for a remarkably mature performance, which defied their overall inexperience at this level. I bet Michael Dawson's jealous.

B.Broomstick