retired_hamawandi

March 28th 2012

Gulbuddin Hekmatyar's Tea Shop (and Doily Emporium)

Michael was reeling. Absolutely reeling. And it wasn't because Gulbuddin was using a rocket powered grenade launcher* to shell a newly opened tea shop that had opened just over the street.

His love life was all over the papers. He hoped to dear God that Minty Tallulah wouldn't findo out. Despite the fact she was halfway round the world, and they'd been split up for yonks he still cared about what she might think of him.

The truth of the matter was that he had been labelled a flop. That fool Janet Fflokes-Plompton... Michael would surely make her pay...

Bang!

The whole shop shook... the owner of the opposition tea shop had sent a depleted Uranium warhead** right into the corner of Gulbuddins tea shop. Michael's tea spilt out of the small china cup, and his egg and toastie soldiers were ruined by radioactive chemicals. Slightly irritated, Michael paid his old friend Gulbuddin and wandered down the high street considering what he was going to do now.

* Purchased from Dick Cheney's Illegal arms sales collective, 1989

** Purchased from Dick Cheney's Bombs for Favours workshop 1987

retired_hamawandi

30th March 2012

Brad Hribnuts Book Emporium, Dallas USA

Brad Hribnuts took one look at his dusty shelves, full of unsold books. He sneezed on account of all the dust, and fell down some stairs and broke both legs and fractured his skull.

Business wasn't going well. As he lay at the bottom of a short flight of stairs, cerebral fluid leaking from his head he had a remarkable brainwave. Showing remarkable powers of recovery he quickly got better (Weak plot device) and went to his planning studio out the back.

Six hours later, his masterplan was all worked out. Jubilant, he leapfrogged down to the Try N Save to buy cleaning a dusting equipment. He ran back to his shop so fast he knocked 4 old people in front of a bus, and indirectly caused a radio mast to collapse on a Hippie Commune in Papua New Guinea through chance and perchance. Once inside his shop, he cleaned as he had never cleaned before. He threw out all of his old knackered up books that wouldn't sell and replaced them on the shelves with some brand spanking new texts that would put him forever on the literary map.

Then he made some phone calls, and to his surprise got a positive response. As a result of this he produced several flyers and leaflets from a machine he conveniently found in a corner of his shop (weak plot device) and sent them out for distribution. He gave his shop a fresh lick of paint, and phoned the police department asking permission to close all the roads on the 7th April, to which they agreed, without even asking questions (weak plot device).

He was headed for the stratosphere.

retired_hamawandi

30th March 2012

Chez Dawson

Michael sat in his pink fluffy armchair and put the phone down.

He'd just been booked in for his first publicity extravaganza. It was all a bit unbelievable really.

He picked up the phone, dialled Horace and got him to sort out the travel arrangements.

Just think, Michael Dawson, big in the USA (injured in Britain?)

retired_hamawandi

April 1st 2012

Newcastle v Spurs

Michael travelled to a rare away game to watch Spurs try and continue fighting their way out of a big mess. Their recent form had improved somewhat, with 3 wins on the trot and a jump in position to 18th. The match against 4th placed Newcastle was undoubtedly going to be harder than a fat man with a bald head.

Newcastle won a penalty after about 35 seconds when Gordon Lewis sent Bojidar Markov flying in the six yard box, and the Bulgarian slotted home cool as a cucumber. Spurs responded afterwards on 29 when a neat interchange of passes between Ruslan Mostovoi and Ian Cross let Nico Kranjcar chip a slightly unrealistic shot over the flailing keeper. Merkov responded for the Geordies with his 100th league goal 5 minutes before half time with a tap in after Ben Walton set him up about a yard from goal.

The second half started with Luke Chadwick racing away down the centre and bending a shot around the keeper virtually from kick off to make it 2-2, and to everyones shock Spurs were awarded a slightly dubious last minute penalty which substitute Ben May scored after the keeper had tried to break his neck.

The away fans went wild, as did Michael. Newcastle were now the one team that Spurs had done the double over. There was hope now. Still in 18th place, 17th seemed not so far away with the season drawing to a close. Could Spurs save themselves?

retired_hamawandi

April 1st 2012

Irkutsk Province, Russia

Vladimir O'Vodka finished urinating in the snow, and stumbled back into his flat. He had a window of opportunity to take advantage of. He got in touch with an old colleague of his at the KGB, Dr. Ericski Joneski and organised a flight to Dallas. He had some business to do with the foolish scamp who had insulted the motherland.

Swigging from a bottle of vodka, the bulbous nosed, fat, thin, tall, short Russian stumbled out into the driving snow once more and jumped into an old pickup truck, and began to weave his way down to Moscow Airport.

On the way he stopped to pick up several hitchikers. One closely resembled a bear, although he couldn't focus very well. It broke his cassette player by eating it which was a bit harsh, so he dumped it by the side of the road and continued. At 7.30 the next morning he arrived in Moscow inside a shipment of parrots, wearing a leather thong. He could vaguely remember a night altercation at a truck stop, but his memory was slightly hazy. He still had his passport and tickets however, as they were hidden in his heavily matted beard.

His flight left smoothly and he arrived in Dallas on the morning of the 3rd of April, completely sloshed, wearing a chiffon dress. Shrugging this off, he went to get ready for Michael. Meester Dawson was going to pay.

retired_hamawandi

April 3rd 2012

Brad Hribnuts Book Emporium, Dallas USA

The shop was gleaming, and bedecked wall to wall with posters of Michael Dawson holding a copy of Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat. He could hardly believe it; the author of the 'Great American Novel' was going to be making a personal appearance! He'd been swamped with thousands of calls, and people coming in, all desperate for information. Sales were up already, and Brad had bought a new suit and invested in a new haircut for the occasion. Tired after putting up countless Michael Dawson posters, he needed to sit down, and so he did, in a conveniently placed armchair he suddenly noticed behind him (weak plot device). Soon, he entered into a deep slumber, dreaming of prosperity and a large multinational chain of bookstores.

He was woken an hour or so later when a slightly haggard looking man, smelling of cats wee and with a large shaggy beard and wild hair, wearing a omewhat attractive chiffon dress came hurtling through the window. Brad stood up and addressed the man, who asked somewhat liltingly and with a strong Russian accent when exactly Michael Dawson was arriving, and what the process was for his arrival. Brad told the smelly leering tall, small, fat, thin Russian all he knew, and bidding him good day ushered him out of the shop.

retired_hamawandi

April 4th 2012

New York Times Bestseller List

1. I Was a Teenage Mormon - Ezekial Jebediah
2. Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat - Michael Dawson
3. Harry Potter and the Franchise Agreement - J.K. Rowling
4. Turgid Turnips - Hermann Micklewhite
5. Huntin', Shootin' and Fishin', The Tale of American Foreign Policy - Dick Cheney
6. Elvis, My Twin Brother: Second Reprint - Pervis Sedgley
7. The Big Colourful Picturebook of Walnuts - Len Lennon
8. 10,000 Things You Never Knew About Hair - Gilty Yuoip
9. Minty and Me - Michael Dawson
10. Road Map of Phoenix, Arizona - Percy Poppleton

The American public are clearly going wild for Michael Dawson, with his new novel straight in at number 2, and his autobiography at number 9, presumably off the back of all the press attention. It is a fantastic book, it really is, and I haven't even read it yet! Catch him on the first date of his American tour on the 7th April where he will be riding in a Presidential style motorcade through Dallas to Brad Hribnuts bookstore. Tickets are still on sale.

Elkie Moose

retired_hamawandi

April 5th 2012

Chez Dawson

"Left... left..... no, right a bit.... ok, yep........down. NOT TOO FAST! Just a touch back to the left.... I paid good money for these!"

Michael was in his front garden administering the delivery of seven Hyenas and a pair of Cheetahs, which were arriving in a gigantic big box. The man delivering the crate, Hubert P., as his nametag revealed was somewhat lax in his efforts and was swinging the box containing the animals wildly around in the air from his control point on a large unnecessary crane.

Soon the box was placed on the lawn, and Michael could hear the screams and cries of the Hippies and Animal Rights protestors far off to the left as they hollered through a hole in the fence.

Michael paused to make a decision, and when he came to that decision he realised that he had forgotten it, so in fact there was no decision to make. Indirectly he made the decision to forget about the previous decision, and embraced his new decision to decide upon a new idea, and make a decision based upon that judgement.

His decision ultmately was to lead to seventeen hippies being eaten by his fabulous new pets, but michael didn't mind as the cost of pet food had recently gone up, owing to the Great Pet Food Inflation which had just brought down the government.

Due to a new bizarre legal clause, it was ok to feed people to animals, just as long as they were hippies.

The new Oxford Dictionary Definition of Hippies was "One that dresses in Tie-Dye t-shirts, has long hair and listens to sh1t." The seventeen eaten hippies all fulfilled this requirement, and the best thing was that they just kept on coming.

Being a millionaire was great.

retired_cangriracing

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Richey:
April 5th 2012
Michael paused to make a decision, and when he came to that decision he realised that he had forgotten it, so in fact there was no decision to make. Indirectly he made the decision to forget about the previous decision, and embraced his new decision to decide upon a new idea, and make a decision based upon that judgement.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lol, the above lines are classic. I read it at least three times!

I thought you had stopped updating the story Richey, but then I realised there was a page 7 and had to update my favourites link! Thank god!

Brilliant as always, keep it up!!!

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Doddy:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Richey:
_April 5th 2012_
Michael paused to make a decision, and when he came to that decision he realised that he had forgotten it, so in fact there was no decision to make. Indirectly he made the decision to forget about the previous decision, and embraced his new decision to decide upon a new idea, and make a decision based upon that judgement.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lol, the above lines are classic. I read it at least three times!

I thought you had stopped updating the story Richey, but then I realised there was a page 7 and had to update my favourites link! Thank god!

Brilliant as always, keep it up!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Still updating as always, but a little slower than usual as ive got a mountain of work to stare at and pretend to do! There's still a couple of seasons before it all ends.

Glad you are still enjoying!

Rich