retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Thunder Bolt:
This should be a candidate for the SI Hall of Fame.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thankyou Thunder Bolt!

Rich

retired_suzgaddis

Pleasure. I've only read a few stories on here, so i'm by no means an expert...but I'm loving this one.

Can we get a mods opinion on my recommendation?

retired_hamawandi

March 21st 2012

Chez Dawson

Michael sat lazily in the kitchen, as McHugh, newly bandaged after his latest romp in with the ferocious big cats, emptied a tin of stewed gazelle into a big bowl. Michael lazily picked up an elastic band and flicked it at McHugh. The dour squeaky-voiced Chinese accented Scotsman yelped in pain and scurried off for feeding time. Approximately one minute later, blood curdling screams emanated from upstairs along with the sound of ripping flesh. Michael sighed and rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to do anything about it. He'd just come back from training and couldn't be bothered with such domestic matters. The telephone rang. Had it been a few millimetres away he would have ignored it, but as he was holding it anyway, he figured it would be a dreadful injustice not to answer it. He picked it up and drawled a half baked "hello" to whomever was calling.

"Miiiiiiikeeeeeeey, daaahling!"

Oh christ, it was his agent, Horace.

Errrr..... Hello, this is Michael Dawson here. I'm not home at the moment, so please leave a message after the beep.

A loud roar of laughter emanated from the giant lungs of the worlds fattest agent.

Haaaaaaa, Mikeeeey, me old chum. You rogue! Listen I've got news. The books in print, and is being shipped out tomorrow.

Well that was good news, Michael privately mused.

Cheers Horace, errr.... bye...

Mikey, Mikey m'boy! Horace interrupted, we need to negotiate my fee!

What? But you haven't done anything?

Horace fell silent. A few seconds passed.

Well then Mikey boy, I need my cut for doing nothing! It's called professional discretion.

Michael had to admit that it sounded impressive, and would therefore be true. He willingly submitted 30% of any income, plus image rights for the next 67 years as a result of any positive publicity gained from the book.

Word on the street is, Mikey boy, that the book is a work of genius!

Smugness kicked in, and Michael waxed lyrical about his abilities as a writer of prose, and his subtle grasp of the literary arts. Horace made his excuses and hung up.

Michael placed the phone down on the table. He glanced out of the window, and saw McHugh drop to the ground from somewhere above, followed by a large Siberian tiger which landed on top of him and began to pull his toes out of their sockets.

He was well and truly an author now! Tomorrow Barry Mental would hit the shops and hopefully Barry fever would sweep the world. He opened the Daily Rhetoric to page 19 and found that they would be reviewing it tomorrow as well.

This was the second most exciting day in Michaels life. The first most exciting day would surely be the 22nd of March.

The nervous anticipation was growing!

retired_loubou

Funny story, I've only started to read a couple of days ago, but it surely looks nice

Keep it up :thup:

retired_hamawandi

March 22nd 2012

Daily Rhetoric Book Reviews.

Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat, reviewed by Archimedes Thorpe-Park.

After the work of pure genius that was Minty and Me in which we learned all about the disturbed psyche of Michael Dawson, and the spangly jangly Minty Tallulah, Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat is somewhat of a letdown. The tale documents a washed up cop doing something really stupid with a talking dog. There are some pockets of literary quality, particularly in the foreword where Michael dedicates the book to "All my friends (Joe Cole)". The novel trundles along at the pace of an asthmatic snail and numerous plot devices come into play that have no basis in reality, for example in Chapter 7 Barry saves 'Chip' from a magical rotating chin which suddenly appears by the side of the road. It would surprise me if this became a hit, as it reeks to high heaven, although one shouldn't discount the book being a big seller as it is modestly priced at £2.99 which makes it appealing for toilet users who have been priced out of the toilet roll market since the Great Toilet Paper Market Crash of 2008/9 made loo paper more valuable than gold. Word is, however, that over in America this book is being hailed as 'The Great American Novel' for some reason.
One word: Don't buy this.
Actually, that was three words.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm qualified to judge literature.

Archimedes Thorpe-Park (formerly Archimedes Chessington-World-Of-Adventures)

retired_hamawandi

March 22nd 2012

Chez Dawson

Oh woe! His novel had been critically panned! Horace had phoned to say he was striking Michael off his list of clients, but wanted to know if he could borrow a small jar of marmalade seeing as he was running a bit low.

Michael lay slumped in his armchair. McHugh came in, presumably to offer a few words of consolation, but the Scotsman looked in particularly rough shape and collapsed on the floor bleeding heavily onto an expensive Persian Rug from a large gash in his side through which one could see his large intestine.

Michael felt a pang of inspiration to lift him from his despair, and logged on to the New York Times literary review website to see if his failed novel really was being well recieved in America.

There was always Hope.

Hope rhymes with Pope.

Pope rhymes with the latter part of the word 'Antelope'

Michaels brain truly was on top form this morning.

retired_hamawandi

March 22nd 2012

The New York Times Literary Review, Section 3, Subsection 7D, Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat, reviewed by Mario G. Hamburger

This is the Great American Novel, despite the fact it's written by someone from Britain. How is this, I hear you scream/shout/mumble? The answer is simple; Barry Mental and his dog 'Chip' epitomise the great era of travelling across America in a haze much in the vein of Jack Kerouac. This makes it the Great American Novel. The plot devices are just sublime. The encounter with the mysterious rotating chin on a deserted desert highway quite clearly symbolises... something, and Barrys furious tirade at a small lady in an antique shop stir the emotions to such a height, that one simply feels like crying. This book has been described in Britain as being rubbish, but they don't know what they are on about. This book will define your life, and soccer star cum author Michael Dawson is destined to become a cult hero, as is the immortal washed up cop Barry Mental, who is the epitome of the wandering American traveller.

Mario G. Hamburger

retired_hamawandi

March 22nd 2012

Chez Dawson

Well, that was a turn up for the books. Michael mused to himself, while mulling over a glass of iced tea about how the book could be such a success in America but flop in Britain.

Horace rang to say that Michael was now his number one client, and that he was in huge demand. He felt good about this. Being big in America eclipsed being good in Britain, and he couldn't wait to promote his work. Maybe, just maybe he was going to make it big after all.

His peace was interrupted by the Spurs manager who called to yell at Michael for not being at training. As quick as a flash he leapt up, jumped in his car and sped off.

Minutes later he returned to put on his clothes, before leaving again.

He didn't know why he kept making that mistake.

retired_hamawandi

March 23rd 2012

Spurs v Birmingham City

Michael turned up for this game in a trilby and poncho, to avoid being noticed by the press. He didn't want to answer any questions about his new novel. Spurs had to win this game to have any slightly realistic chance of staying up and for some reason they won.

It all kicked off at the beginning, which is usually when a football match kicks off. The first goal, however came for Birmingham from the dainty feet of Labinot Harbuzi who hit a well placed shot from the edge of the area after 29 minutes. Nothing much happened in the half apart from a brief case of handbags between Birmingham Sweeper Miguel and Freddy Adu which was rewarded with a troupe of yellow cards. Spurs kicked off the second half with more purpose and after 66 minutes Ben May, starting only his 6th game all season tapped in from close range after the young Portuguese reserve Pedro Volpe had his initial shot saved. The second goal came after 71 minutes when substitute Nico Kranjcar hit a long shot which rebounded in off the goalkeeper and the post. Spurs sat tight for the rest of the game to give themselves an iota of help.

Michael was nearing a degree of match fitness and was looking eager to get back on the field, and if possible fight for survival.

retired_hamawandi

March 28th 2012

Flop Dawson Flops in the Bedroom!

In a sensational interview with the Daily Record, Michael Dawson's recent flame Janet Ffolkes-Plompton reveals all! Read it all, right here in the Daily Rhetoric. You won't see this interview anywhere else, except maybe some of the other papers. Look also at our exclusive pictures. We copied them off the internet. There's a really nice picture of a cat, and a sausage.

So Janet, how have things been since the split with Michael?

Oh they've been pretty hectic. As you all know I spent some time at the ancestral home of my dear old friend Mr. Toad, and some other chums. There was an incident where squatters who went by the name of Mr Weasel, Mr. Stoat and Mr. Ferret attempted to take over the place. We managed to evict them, however using candles and assorted kitchen utensils. They have a court order prohibiting any departure from the Wild Wood. So, in short, yes, I've been quite busy.

Have you spoken to Michael since?

No, I'm afraid I haven't. I don't really want to talk about it. I'd like to plug my new fitness video though, its called Janet does Badgercise...

So was he a flop in the bedroom?

I never went to his bedroom. There was a funny smell coming from there.

Well readers, you heard it here first, Michael Dawson is a flop in the bedroom!

I didn't say that...

Yes you did

No I didn't.

Yes you did

No I didn't.

B.Broomstick