retired_hamawandi

Yes, Joe is extremely intelligent. In fact he can count the number of toes he has, all the way up to 8. Bless him!

Rich

retired_hamawandi

March 1st 2012

Chez Dawson

Bleary eyed and full of beard, Michael stumbled down to breakfast. McHugh whipped him up a few pancakes, which proved difficult as he had lost his arm several weeks previously. Michael didn't care about McHugh's pain though, and he ate his pancakes with a palpable air of arrogance.

Michael had heard some good news the previous day. His ligament injusry appeared to be clearing up faster than anticipated. He was due to resume light training in a few days, with an eye to being fit possibly before the last game of the season.

He didn't care that much to be honest. He had been up all night working on his book, which explained him being large of beard, and bleary of eyes. It was turning out to be a real cracker. The provisional title was:

Thigh Will Be Done

It was an erotic thriller, set in medieval times, but with cars. Michael felt it was an outrageously hip idea. His story focused around the hero Barry Mental, a cop from the Bronx who sailed to Medieval Czechoslovakia in a Viking Ship. Barry Mental was also a closet porn magnate, with a vast empire of dirty medieval magazines (Jesters Wives, Banquet Whores, etc) Once in Czechoslovakia, Barry teamed up with Morris Minor, an alcoholic washed up Car Salesman, and Gloria Naughty, a lapdancer to fight the evil forces of the Romans, and Emperor Caligula.

Michael was up to a crucial point where Gloria Naughty and Barry Mental are dancing naked in a country pub. He was currently wondering how to tie that particular bit into the story as a whole. That explained more specifically why he was looking so haggard that morning.

He couldn't wait to finish the story and send it to his publisher. It was bound to be a big hit.

retired_hamawandi

March 5th 2012

Arsenal v Spurs

Michael made the short trip to Highbury and sat in the brand new Sol Campbell Judas Stand, complete with frilly little doilies on every seat.

Spurs actually started the better, to Michaels surprise. Freddy Adu tested the keeper in the first minute with a bending, swerving shot from the edge of the 'D'. Arsenal soaked up the pressure for the rest of the half, looking uncomfortably under the cosh. The second half began with Fabrice Wessel, the Arsenal full-back running the entire length of the pitch, playing a one two with Pablo Aimar before placing it past Evans in the Spurs goal.

Spurs didn't give up, and placed Arsenal under severe pressure, which paid off when in the 77th minute Jamie Crosby toe poked home after a Nico Kranjcar corner had bobbled around in the penalty area. Spurs held on, and were good value for the draw, but the harsh facts were that unless a couple of wins were forthcoming, the once mighty North London club would be playing in Division One next season.

Michael went home in his Limousine, with McHugh driving as he usually did.

As Michael looked wistfully out at the grey London sky, McHugh mentioned in an understating tone,

Meechel, Ah reed yer buke, and ah hev tae say, it's feckin sheete.

Michael took off his shoe, and walloped the insolent Scotsman in the back of the head. The car veered off the road and into a local cafe. Michael got out, and began the long walk back home.

After a while, he found himself in the Shetland Isles. Concluding he had taken a wrong turning, he went back the other way.

retired_hamawandi

March 13th 2012

Chez Dawson

Michael was munching his toast and watching the TV when a parcel plopped through the letterbox, and landed with a ker-floof on the shag-pile carpet. Like a hungry lizard, Michael darted to the front door, and opened the parcel with great enthusiasm.

Flomp - His manuscript fell out.

That wasn't supposed to happen!

There was also a letter...

retired_hamawandi

Dear Michael,

We regret to inform you that we think your story is a big heap of pants. Whilst we recognise that you are a promising author, this book simply doesn't match up to expectations. However, we liked the character of Barry Mental, and can see him in a detectives role. This could be an avenue to consider? Owing to our friendly agreement and contract we would like a new manuscript on our desk within three days or someone will come round and snap your neck in half.

Cheerio,

Winston Churchmound

P.S. Lucky Spurs win last night eh? 2-1 against West Ham! Who would have thought it. That Jamie Crosby's a cert for the Euro 2012 Championships.

retired_hamawandi

Michael was in a bit of a crisis. He really didn't need a broken neck... He was nearly back to normal. A broken neck would most likely put a further dent in his disappearing football career. Unless he invented a form of neck brace.

He discarded that idea as he didn't have the raw materials at his disposal.

He rushed to his desk, and whipped out his laptop, proceeding to type faster than he had even typed before.

7 Hours Later

Finally,he had a complete manuscript, entitled Barry Mental and the Case of the Disappearing Hat. He thought it vastly inferior to his previous effort, but had taken on board the ideas given by the publishing company and re-cast Barry Mental as a washed up alcoholic New York Detective on one last case, with his sidekick, a talking dog called 'Chip'.

The story revolved around Barry going to a hip bar in New York called The Odeon and losing his old fedora hat. The story chartered his race across America to retrieve it from Mr. Big, a Mafia Hitman who needed the hat to escape being identified as a murderer by a really short sighted person with a small brain. Barry's adventure took him and 'Chip' his faithful talking mutt, on an alcohol fuelled journey to Los Angeles. The book ended with a fight on Sunset Boulevard where Barry got his hat back. The twist to the story was that after all was done, he sobered up and realised that 'Chip' his magical talking dog was actually a dwarf, but as Barry had been permanently drunk he simply hadn't noticed.

Michael stuck it in a parcel and popped it in the post. He then said a prayer or two in the hope of avoiding a neck related accident.

retired_cangriracing

I don't know how you do it, but you seem to be keeping up the humour. Michael’s certainly had a whirlwind career, but where will it go next? Now, I can’t see the Barry and his friend Chip being a hit, though you never know.

retired_hamawandi

March 20th 2012

Chigwell

Undergoing light training, Michael was jogging gently around the perimeter of one of the five-a-side pitches with Jamie Crosby, who looked a bit shaken.

He was looking a bit shaken because he had just asked for a transfer and had been yelled at. As the clubs most bankable asset, Crosby was also the best player. 21 goals so far for a team in 20th place and with no way out of trouble. The reasoning was simple, Jamie felt he had to show his ambition to achieve better things. He was practically a cert for the England Squad at Euro 2012 in Spain and was attracting Atletico Madrid, Lecce and bayer Leverkusen, among others.

Michael, however, had been injured for around seven hundred years and was nearing fitness. He was also technically up for sale but had no interest apart from the odd club in Russia and on one occasion, from 2nd Division Hartlepool. He was surer than ever before that he wanted to leave Spurs, and vowed to get fit as quick as he could, to make an impact on the England manager, Richard Rowe. Maybe, just maybe he could sneak into the squad.

retired_suzgaddis

This should be a candidate for the SI Hall of Fame.

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Doddy:
I don't know how you do it, but you seem to be keeping up the humour. Michael’s certainly had a whirlwind career, but where will it go next? Now, I can’t see the Barry and his friend Chip being a hit, though you never know. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, Michaels career gets a teensy bit better but then the predictable thing happens. I've never played a game before where one player manages to get injured so much...! as for Barry Mental and Chip... we'll have to see if it becomes a success. Its kind of linked with that old drunken insane guy in Russia. There's a clue!

Rich