retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Doddy:
… too right,

Brilliant, keep up the good work!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Cheers mate, I'll try

Rich

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Brian of Nazareth:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Richey:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'm Not Ruud:
Have you seen the article about Michael being wanted by Aston Villa? I cracked up when I saw that; it made me think of this story.

I hope he's not really as dumb as he looks.

Keep it up!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



Yeah, I read that this morning, It cracked me up too. If he joins Villa it proves he must be a bit dim!

:-)

Rich<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



Otherwise this is still a wonderfully entertaining story. Happy New Year and glad this is back <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm glad its back too! I still hope he doesn't join Villa though. Heh heh heh

retired_hamawandi

February 7th 2012

F.A. Cup Fourth Round (apologies, I put 2nd round up there before!)

Spurs v Crewe

Michael settled himself into the crowd for the big game. Well, it wasn't exactly big, but they had a chance of winning at least which was temporary relief from being a complete pile of penguin turd in the Premiership. Janet Ffolkes-Plompton had not showed up. Michael was concerned and made a mental note to himself to call her afterwards.

The game was a fast paced, fluid affair full of end to end passing and moving. Crewe drew first blood much to the chagrin of the Spurs supporters when Brazillian Valdimar took the ball from the halfway line past 3 defenders, before sending Ian Cross onto his backside while he slotted it easily past the sprawling 'keeper. Spurs equalised 17 minutes later on 22 after a good move by Donovan in attacking midfield was finished with a deft lob from the outside of the six yard box by Jamie Crosby. The youngster scored a second after 43 minutes after he was felled in the box by a messy Hayden Mullins challenge and converted the penalty. Exactly a minute later Crewe restored parity when Mullins redeemed himself by heading in a far post Peter Crouch corner which deflected off the hapless Ian Cross.

The second half was just as fast and furious as the first, but without a further goal until 81 minutes when Crewe scored a third through the mercurial Valdimar who slammed home a swerving free kick from about 30 yards out. Just as the home supporters were heading for the exit substitute Ben May scored almost directly after the re-start after the Crewe 'keeper fluffed a clearance straight to him. On 90 minutes Spurs averted a tricky replay at Gresty Road when Noel Mehne, a 16 year old German academy kid scored on his debut with a well placed shot from 20 yards.

Michael cheered at the final whistle, but hurt deeply inside at being stood up by Janet.

retired_hamawandi

February 8th 2012

Loser Dawson Stood Up as Spurs Win

Michael Dawson, without a doubt the worst player anywhere in the world, ever was stood up yesterday by Badger-Idol winner Janet Ffolkes-Plompton as Spurs recorded a rare victory at the Lane. He was seen to be looking highly despondent in the West Stand Upper by our secret source (Eric McKenzie) who we can't name (Eric McKenzie). Not only a crap footballer, but also a crap lover. A spokesman for Miss Ffolkes-Plompton said that she was unable to comment, but mentioned that her client had in fact been busy, "messing about on the river" with her close friends Mr. Ratty, Mr. Mole, and Mr. Toad. Our secret photographer (Eric McKenzie) who we can't name for legal reasons (Eric McKenzie) managed to get exclusive pictures of Miss Ffolkes Plompton relaxing in the grounds of Mr. Toads ancestral home, Toad Hall, set in the delightful Hertfordshire Countryside, adjacent to the Wild Wood. For a glimpse of these astonishing pictures, turn to page 6.

Boris Broomstick

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nard:
lol. your story's so good i was actually looking for a page 6 to turn to for those pictures.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thanks, I'd show them, but i lost them, behind the err.... fridge.

Rich

retired_hamawandi

February 19th 2012

Press Conference - White Hart Lane

Michael was feeling really agitated. He had spent the morning with Gulbuddin Hekmatyar in the coffee shop debating possible titles for his new novel, when his agent, Horace had called to say the media was going wild about a possible move to Torpedo Moscow. He commanded McHugh to drive him to White Hart Lane for an impromptu press conference.

As he sat there, the lights of cameras flashed all around him. Through the glare he spotted Mercury Underwear, the star reporter of Hat Knitters Bi-Annual Newsletter, and Fembly Gringle, the star reporter for Pipe Smokers Monthly. It was true he was secretly angling for a move away from the hapless Spurs, but to Russia? He'd rather shave his own backside with a combine harvester.

In the last week or so since the cup win, Spurs were kings of the bottom of the league. The desolate run looked like going on for ever. Even now, relegation was certain. When he returned from injury he didn't want to be playing for some lower division outfit. He was Michael Dawson, the best footballer in the world!

Finally, a reporter posed the question:

So, is it true you are in talks with Torpedo Moscow over a move to Russia?

No, it most certainly isn't. I am very happy to stay at Spurs, especially since they are paying for my rehabilitation as well as paing me an absolute fortune to do diddley-squat.

Mercury Underpants spoke up,

On behalf of the loyal readers of the Hat Knitters Bi-Annual Newsletter could you tell us why you don't want to move to Russia, if, indeed, your claim to want to stay here, is true?

Well Mercury, it comes down to two things really. Firstly I watch a lot of television, and i have learned that Russia is cold, and it snows a lot. Secondly, I can't speak Russian. Oh, to hell with it, I hate poor people, and Russia is full of them, oh, and Torpedo Moscow are absolutely terrible.

There were shocked gasps all around at Michaels rudeness and sheer judgemental vulgarity.

Fembly Gringle nervously stood up,

Michael, On behalf of Pipe Smokers Monthly, I'd just like to ask you the question that is on the tip of every pipe smokers tongue (apart from a pipe), Will your next book feature pipe smoking?

Oh for christs sake, you've ruined it now...

And with that, Michael strode out in tears, leaving the worlds media assembled, silent in disbelief.

cityonahill25

Better than Rio, quite literally, and ironically, those Spuds are after Super Michael Dawson in real life.

retired_hamawandi

February 20th 2012

Chez Dawson

Michael sat hunched like a ball in his study. His creative juices were flowing and the novel was coming along well.

He had woken up at midnight, suddenly hit by a new bolt of inspiration, which surprised him after the debacle of the media finding out somehow that his next book featured pipe smoking as a central theme. He discarded the old manuscript, provisionally entitled "Mr Watkins and his Magic Pipe" and set to work on the new one. He was truly inspired.

At midday, the doorbell rang, and Joe Cole, Michaels best friend came striding in, his new beehive hairdo swaying alarmingly in the breeze. Joe put his handbag down, sat down and joined Michael for a spot of midday tea.

Michael showed him his ideas for his next masterpiece, and Joe's beady little eyes glowed with wonderment, as he perused the page.

Michael, he said, This one's going to be a hit!

Michael grinned inanely, and laughed. He laughed louder than he'd ever done before. He laughed so loud, that 4 tigers were disturbed from their slumber, and in a fit of rage tossed 7 antique Georgian Armchairs out of the third floor window.

Michael was poised to take over the world (in a literary sense, of course.)

retired_hamawandi

February 25th 2012

Irkutsk Province, Russia

An old man slammed his fist down on the rickety hamster-powered television, and hurled his empty bottle of illegal vodka at the screen. His state of drunkeness was such, that he missed the television screen by several miles, and sank a small boat in an adjacent lake.

Vladimir O'Vodka, a former KGB agent, was most incensed by what he had just seen on the television. A footballer from England had insulted the motherland, and referred to Torpedo Moscow as being crap. He would make him pay for his insolence.

He burst open the door and stepped out into the snow. His beard withstood the onslaught of the howling wind as he stumbled into the night. He knew what he had to do. He went to a small phone box and had a wee.

One thing was certain. Michael Dawson was going to pay. He didn't know how yet, but all he knew was that he had to do something, for the honour of the motherland!

retired_cangriracing

Interesting, the amazing tale of Michael Dawson is developing. Ahhh, and you can always trust good old Joe Cole to be the judge of a hit book!

Keep it up Richey!!!