retired_hamawandi

November 19th 2011

Dawson's Birthday Tears

Yesterday our valiant, but now deceased photographer captured a priceless picture from inside Michael Dawson's life. The footballer was seen to be crying, despite the fact it was his birthday. Speculation as to why he was crying is rife, but the favourite view here is that he was in tears because he was cutting up an onion. Onions, a vegetable, are known to have such an effect on people when cut. There is more on this on page 16 where we have an exclusive 9 page onion supplement. Close friend and confidante Joe Cole, remarked to reporters that, Michael was crying, which may be key to this whole investigation. What is for certain however, is that Michael was crying on his birthday. Buy the Daily Rhetoric tomorrow as well, as we have a further Onion exclusive. Former West Ham and England goalkeeper David James will sensationally reveal his long time struggle with the tearful vegetable. A mouthwatering quote from his astonishingly frank interview reads, I've never really been able to get a grip on Onions. Can we just drop the subject. If you don't, then I will.

B.Broomstick

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'm Not Ruud:
Have you seen the article about Michael being wanted by Aston Villa? I cracked up when I saw that; it made me think of this story.

I hope he's not really as dumb as he looks.

Keep it up!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, I read that this morning, It cracked me up too. If he joins Villa it proves he must be a bit dim!

:-)

Rich

retired_hamawandi

November 20th 2011

Tottenham vs Southampton

League leaders Southampton tore into Tottenham from the start this afternoon, with wing wizard, and England Captain Joe Cole pulling all the strings. On 6 minutes he darted down the left flank and crossed for Obafemi Martins to nod home his 15th of the season. Surprisingly, Spurs withstood the assault and pulled one back on the stroke of half time when Crosby broke on the half way line, raced towards Richard Wrights goal and smacked the ball against the crossbar. Lucky for Spurs, defended Gordon Lewis pounced on the rebound to send a scorching volley in from the edge of the area. Southampton were unlucky not to score more, and suffered what can only be described as a severe punishment when Crosby got felled in the box ten minutes from time. The little chap converted astutely, and Spurs won, perhaps unjustly. Man of the Match for Southampton Joe Cole was clearly disappointed with the way his team failed to convert chances, but jokingly suggested that it might provide Michael Dawson with a bit of Birthday cheer.

retired_hamawandi

December 17th 2011

Chez Dawson

Chapter 9 of the book was coming along quite nicely, Michael felt. It was the final chapter of his 'magnum opus' and it detailed his struggle with injuries.

In recent years my struggle with injury has been well documented. At the time of writing I have barely kicked a ball for over a year, and next year holds the same promise. I have been relatively injury free during my career, only suffering a strained neck, back in 2006/7. My broken leg was widely noticed, particularly by me, as it hurt an awful lot. I decided after a few months of being out that Spurs were rubbish as I wasn't playing. This strengthened my resolve to get back and play ball. One of the plus points of being injured is that one gets the chance to expand in other areas of life, such as love, and illegally kept wildcats. My latest injury, a cruciate ligament situation is going to keep me out for at least another 6/7 months, but I hope to be able to further improve my love life, and more illegal wild animals. Of course, during these tough times I can rely on my friends to help me through. Well, I could if I had any, but hopefully if this book is successful I'll make a few by association, and because famous authors always get to mix with a higher class of people as opposed to the sort of morons who watch football. No disrespect of course, to those morons...

He typed away for an hour or so more, printed off the pages, put them in a folio and sent the whole book off to the publishers. It was ready a month before deadline, and Michael hoped he wasn't being too premature. He had high hopes for this book, and if it didn't make him the new darling of the literary world, then he would eat his hat.

He flicked on teletext, saw Spurs losing 3-1 to fellow relegation strugglers Lincoln City, and turned it off.

Michaels love for football seemed to be turning sour.

retired_hamawandi

January 5th 2012

F.A.Cup 3rd Round

Bradford Park Avenue vs Tottenham

Watching on television, Michael forced a grin as Spurs thrashed the Conference makeweights 7-0. It was the only thrashing Spurs were to administer that season, currently sitting in 18th place in the Premier League. Still, it was a welcome respite. New signing Dmitriy Karenko, playing on the left wing scored a debut hat-trick, and much to Michaels's consternation, new centre back Ian Cross performed with distinction, albeit against a team who couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo.

The game started slowly, but Karenko got his first, from a 35 yard free kick which flew past Brian Knight in the Bradford PA goal on 18 minutes. A minute later Landon Donovan added a second after a mazy run ended with the ball bobbling into the goal. in the five minutes before half time, Gordon Lewis scored a header off a corner, and Karenko added his 2nd and 3rd; a free kick from the edge of the 'D' and a brilliant solo goal in which he took the ball the length of the field before slotting coolly past Brian Knight. the second hald was quieter, but on 73 Ben May rifled home from 15 yards, and secured his brace 5 minutes later with a diving header from a Freddy Adu cross.

It was good entertainment, but Michael fell asleep afterwards as the BBC then opted to show another episode of Only Fools and Horses.

retired_hamawandi

January 28th 2012

Bestsellers List, January 2012, Sponsored by Hribnuts Books Ltd.

1. Lars and the Chocolate Body Paint - Miranda Randy
2. Exotic Nuts, A Tale of a Rogue Walnut - George Pearson-Blake
3. Minty and Me: My Wonderful Career - Michael Dawson
4. Brians Eyes - Gregor Polozkzkz
5. The Iliad and the Odyssey (Rap Reprint) - DJ Homer
6. Star Floors; A Complete Bibliography of Linoleum - J.R.R. Tolkien
7. Midgets Exposed! - Gerry Small
8. Giants Revealed! - Frank Bigg
9. Colin Powell and Me: Revealed! - G.W.Bush
10. The Dentists of Loughborough - Christopher Butler

This weeks highest new entry is from the footballer/author Michael Dawson. In a show of astonishing frankness Michael reveals all about his life, from its humble beginnings up until the present day. His Minty Tallulah revelations shock us to the core, especially the knowledge that she was born some time in the 80's. If He can keep up this sharp literary prowess, Michael could become the next big thing. An astounding book, and much recommended. A hit at only £17.99.

retired_hamawandi

January 28th 2012

Chez Dawson

During breakfast, Michael's jaw dropped and hit the floor with such a thump, it set off the lions and tigers who started viciously mauling McHugh, who was quietly delivering some food to the violent cats. Him, near the top of the bestsellers list? It sure took some beating! He was the new darling of the literary world. He decided to attempt to cultivate a more scholarly image from this day forth, and refer to himself in the third person. That usually impressed.

Wow... He would be expected to write a follow up soon, and concluded that he would have to think up possible titles before long. But now, in this magical moment, he was going to bask in his own glory, and make some friends who only liked him because he'd written a book. Who needed these footballer-types. Bah Humbug, ruffians all of them.

Michael was now the creme of society. With an adroit flourish, he donned a top hat, cane and opera cloak, and swished out of the house. He was on top of the world.

retired_hamawandi

Authors Note: I'm not going to be able to update this at all really over the next 2/3 weeks as I am home for Christmas and internet access is minimal. Hope you guys are still reading. I'll be back after the break, with more from Michaels world of pain/fun/stupidness.

Will he become a true literary darling?

Will he ever get back to playing some serious football?

Will he rekindle any form of a love life?

I'll be back after the break.

Cheers,

Richey.

retired_amyslack

Have a great vacation Richey. I am thoroughly enjoying reading this and I will be waiting in breathless anticipation for the next installment.

retired_hamawandi

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BobBev:
Have a great vacation Richey. I am thoroughly enjoying reading this and I will be waiting in breathless anticipation for the next installment.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I reckon i'll be back around January 5th!

have a good xmas!

Rich