retired_hamawandi

August 14th 2011

Chez Dawson

McHugh O'McScottish eventually tumbled out of the Iron door dividing the East and West wings of the house; his shirt ripped and his bagpipes broken. He rammed the door closed and ignored the cacophony of roaring from the other side.

Michael cheerily tootled past, whistling a merry tune, and winked at the squeaky voiced, Chinese accented dour Scotsman, who passed out on his Persian Rug.

He was feeling cheerful, having just returned from a training session in which he felt fitter than he had done in ages. It was going to be a super season. He was sure of it. Even though the cross-eyed tyke Gordon Lewis annoyed the hell out of him, he had to concede the kid was good. Defensively he felt Tottenham would be sound, which was a good thing. A player of Michael's calibre had to be playing regularly at the highest level. The thought of moving on had crossed his mid from time to time, but he felt a sense of loyalty to Spurs for sticking by him in his time of need, and for selling Hao Hao before Michael felt compelled to do something like rip his nipples off.

He made himself a concoction of blended fruit and sipped it on the verandah, the blissful silence only being broken by the loud squealing of a demented lion feasting on the little sheep he had let loose in the East Wing, moments before McHugh had appeared again.

Life was peachy. Now for the season.

retired_hamawandi

August 16th 2011

Tottenham v Newcastle

A super first game of the season ended with Spurs claiming a win from the jaws of defeat. An end to end game looked destined to end goalless, despite the high tempo played throughout. Jamie Crosby, showing yet again why he is so highly rated managed to hit the post no less than three times. Milan Baros of Newcastle managed to have a goal disallowed and Hugo Viana missed from 10yards when it looked easier to score. After 82 minutes Baros took a cross field ball from Anton Ferdinand in his stride, perplexed Gordon Lewis with some fancy footwork, and powered the ball goalwards from the edge of the "D". The 'keeper Richard Evans was left stranded as the ball seemed to take a subtle deflection off Michael Dawson before ricocheting into the corner. The Spurs fans started to leave, but came surging back into the ground when after 86 minutes Ruslan Mostovoi, combining well with Luke Chadwick put Jamie Crosby in the clear, and the youngster showing no nerves managed to round the keeper before slotting home. He picked the ball up and raced back to the centre circle. Two minutes later, the substitute Ben May powered home a header from a Chadwick cross to send the home fans into delirium. It beggars belief why May is on the bench so much. Landon Donovan, who has misfired in front of goal for at least two years now, looks a liability. It is time for a change of personnel up front for Tottenham surely. It was a super game, and the score only tells half the story.

retired_hamawandi

August 17th 2011

Chez Dawson

It felt so good to be experiencing some professional action at last. Yesterdays win had put Michael's mood into the stratosphere, and he was feeling as happy as he could possibly be. He didn't even mind the fact that McHugh O'McScottish, mauled within an inch of his life by Michaels large mammalian collection had inadvertently knocked over a priceless Ming Dynasty vase on his way to stop himself bleeding to death in the bathroom.

He had consented that morning to an interview with men's lifestyle magazine Men R Grate which he was looking forward to. He anticipated a lot of questions about Minty Tallulah, and his injury. He also knew that animal rights protesters were concerned about his captivity of hundreds of Big Cats in the East Wing, and Antique dealers were concerned over the number of priceless furniture that had been thrown out of the window by the aforementioned Big Cats. It was bound to be a big interview.

He pranced upstairs with a mop, and gaily mopped up McHugh's 'mess' that was trailing along the floor. Michael tutted. McHugh really should know better than to leave entrails around the house.

The high voiced Chinese accented Scotsman called plaintively from the immaculate gold plated bathroom:

Sorry aboot the mess, Michael. Ah'm just having some problems like.

Don't worry about it McHugh. I'll just deduct it from your pay. Get well soon, I need a lift later for my interview.

Aye, canny. groaned the long suffering Scotsman, Ah'll be reet as rain just as soon as this bandage is on, and I can support meself standing up.

Michael whistled jauntily and carried on walking to his room, where he neatly folded his socks up, and started to clip his toenails.

retired_hamawandi

Men R Grate Interview, Aug/Sept 2011

Michael Dawson

Hey people, this month our exculsive interview is with Michael Dawson, the player who the press love to run pointless articles on all the time. Known widely for his relationship with national treasure, Minty Tallulah, as well as for his involvement in certain scandals, such as the non-tipping of Jacques Pompidou last year, and his recent connection to the death of Esther Rantzen (later proven unfounded.) He is an aimiable chap, with a healthy demeanor. We are concerned about the physical state of his butler/chuaffeur, but Michael insists the fierce scratches from his pet lions that decorate Mr O'McScottish's face are 'normal'.
We began our interview:

So, Mike, how've you been?

I've been well, thank you. Just enjoying getting fit again, and i can genuinely say that after the win the other day, I'm feeling better than ever.

Right... right... So, now down to the nitty gritty. What happened with Minty? Is it true you used to strut around im the nude at midnight, chanting her name?

No, who told you that... It's a lie.... a vicious rumour. I always, ALWAYS wore a hat.

How did you feel when that relationship crashed and burned?

Well Eric, I can't deny that it hurt. It hurt deeply, and I don't think I can ever love again. It was my fault though, I ended it because I wanted to pursue my career, and that wasn't coherent with Minty's personal plans. That's the way life is eh?

How do you react to scandal in your personal life, and the way it is paraded like dirty underwear on the front pages by such scurrilous journalists as Boris Broomstick?

It doesn't really bother me to be honest Eric. I've got more important things to worry about, such as giving my Gnome the attention he deserves. By getting all worked up about certain issues, I feel quite neglectful.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't know. I'm really not as clever as I look.

What do you make of the claims by Animal rights protesters that you keep certain breeds of 'big cats' in your house?

Well, I don't deny it. I think its hilarious that they are making such a big deal about it. They are perfectly happy roaming the East Wing. If anyone thinks otherwise, then I'd like to meet you face to face to show you just what I mean. After all, I don't question why you like sacrificing badgers do I Eric? I think that us public figures have a right to do mad and crazy things. After all, we're a lot better than the general public and don't get the credit for it.

I quite agree with you Michael. How do you feel about Esther Rantzen's death?

It's a great shame Eric. If there's one positive thing about it, then it has to be that she is in a better place now. Re-united with those monstrously large teeth. Hopefully she'll be up there in heaven, making self righteous TV programmes for all the old popes and stuff. And other holy people.

Well Michael, thankyou for your time. Take care now.

Yes Eric, you too. Cheerio



Interview conducted by Eric Rutherford B. Hayes 2011

retired_hamawandi

August 24th 2011

Reading vs Tottenham

Tottenham made extraordinary hard work of beating a Reading side who have been skulking around the lower depths of the Premier League for years now. Richard Noon, the powerful young defender/striker, playing at centre half today for Reading opened the scoring after 27 minutes when he got his toe on the end of a deep cross from Bjarne Kristiansen. Tottenham responded on the stroke of half time, when perennial wastrel Landon Donovan buried a 25 yard free kick in the bottom left corner. The much maligned American then carried on a rare good performance, when after 49 minutes he chipped the Reading 'keeper Lars Overland after a good interchange between David Head and Freddy Adu put him miles clear of the Reading defence without an offside flag in sight.Adu finished things off with a penalty 0n 66, converted after Lars Overland had pulled Landon Donovan down Despite the win, Spurs looked laboured. They were never going to lose the game, but they looked as though they couldn't be bothered half the time. Still, 3 points is 3 points I suppose.

retired_hamawandi

August 25th 2011

Chez Dawson

Michael awoke with a start at 6am to chants outside his front gate.

Let the big cats go! Let the big cats go! Let the big cats go!

He groggily turned his light on and squinted out of his window.

His security personnel were lock in a titanic struggle to the death with 5 protesters. He watched for a while, and dozed off again.

Bloody Hippies he muttered to himself.

retired_hamawandi

August 25th 2011

Tottenham training ground, Chigwell

Suprisingly chipper after his disturbed nights sleep, Michael had enjoyed the drive to the training ground more than usual. The sun was out, and the hippies from last night he spotted dangling by their feet from trees in his driveway. He'd let them down later.

The manager started off by making the players run aimlessly round a field, before they practised a bit of overloading defensively. Michael enjoyed this as it gave him a chance to show off, and be a bit patronising to young Gordon Lewis. The session ended with a five-a-side game on a small pitch, and Michael managed to score, which he was pleased about to a certain extent.

He was enjoying training much more since Hao Hao had left. The young Chinaman was now performing quite well in France, but that didn't really matter, since he was dire during his season at White Hart Lane. Michael thoroughly missed sending Hao junk mail through the post. He reminisced over the time he had sent a large box of incontinence pants via the internet to him. He'd have to find someone else to pick on.

In the showers, Landon Donovan was humming a song which sounded very catchy, so Michael sidled up to him and asked what it was. Landon looked a bit awkward, grunted and said that it didn't matter. How odd, thought Michael. He'd only asked what song it was. Never mind.

He drove home feeling just a touch hurt, and because of this he decided to leave the protestors hanging by their feet, and decided to cheer himself up a bit by letting the fiercest lion loose in the garden to rough them up a little.

retired_hamawandi

August 25th 2011

Chez Dawson

Michael was perplexed at Landon Donovan's secrecy, and it was bugging him. He cast it to the back of his mind, and ate his dinner, served by McHugh O'McScottish, who was being supported by an aluminium support frame and looked extremely painful.

McHugh?, Michael enquired, Do you recognise this song?

He hummed the bars of the tune he had heard of Landon in the showers, and McHugh suddenly looked sheepish.

Och, nae. I dinnae know who that is.... er... I've never heard in me life. er..... honest

And with that, the mortally wounded Scotsman hobbled off to try and find the lion and put it back in the house before it ate any of the protestors.

Michael sipped a cool glass of strawberry milkshake and decided to just drop the whole thing, it wasn't worth the hassle of finding out if nobody wanted to tell him anyway.

He finished his dinner, but not before he'd dribbled gravy all down his chin.

retired_hamawandi

August 26th 2011

Michael Dawson to Publish Book!

Today, The Daily Rhetoric can exclusively reveal that Michael Dawson will today be approached in a multi-million pound offer to write an autobiography! It is believed that he will be asked to spill the beans on his relationship with globetrotting superstar Minty Tallulah, as well as that football stuff he does. Mainly, the publishers hope he'll just tell us a lot about Minty Tallulah that we can fill our gossip columns with. The publishers, Spoodge and Whilpernip confirmed that they propose to ask Mr. Dawson as regarding his interest in the matter. It will be a real boon to mankind if we can get some juicy gossip about a pop-star through some past-it footballer. We love you Michael!

B.Broomstick

retired_hamawandi

August 26th 2011

Chez Dawson

Reading the paper in the morning, Michael forced a smile. He was becoming quite the celebrity. His house was inundated with protesters, he'd dated a pop star, and now they wanted him to write about it. Munching on his toast, he leant back in his chair and decided to wait for the call to come. He could do with some more money anyhow, as he had dropped £40,000 by accident at the Post Office the day before. How careless.

To while away the morning (there was no training) he loaded up his computer and started to play Championship Menagerie 4, the simulator which put him in charge of a top selection of animals, to try and guide to becoming the best collection of zoo creatures in the world.

What a game.