Tyrone the Magazine

..."Yes dad your homemade whiskey is where you left it 10 years ago, second drawer down on the left"

"cheers son"

"Anyway as I was trying to say Newcastle made me manager...

...well I'm off down the pony with Lee I'll see you in there later for a jar"

"rito son, me and your mum are so proud..."

"yeah, yeah dad I know I'll see you later"

I couldn't believe it me manager of Newcastle United, I mean its not like i'm a big name in football...hell i'm not even a name in football...so to speak. I was just a lowly pub football team manager for the pony, I know I did a little with the NUFC under 19s but still...MANAGER. It's gonna take some getting used to.


authors note: Seeing as this is my first attempt at a story I will be making the odd refferal to LotR. It is my favourite book and the films were excellent. However, to save confusing myself and probably you by trying to intertwine LotR and football (unsuccesfully I predict)I will try to keep it simple and stick to mainly the football side. The main character is Jazz O'neil, and as in the book he has a trusty sidekick in Lee Winstone.

Tyrone the Magazine

NUFC Press Release:

We here at Newcastle United Football Club would like to thank Bobby Robson for his great service to this club and for all the hard work and effort he has put into it. We wish him well in his retirement and will never forget him. He has played no small part in helping us find a successor, he has worked with him and rates him very highly. He is a young man who we hope will have a long prosporous carrer with us. He has worked with our under 19s and helped us nurture young talent at this football club. The new Newcastle United Football Club manager is Jazz O'Neil. Mr O'Neil is in charge as of now, we expect him to carry on what Bobby Robson left behind. We have told Mr O'Neil we expect progress in the league and in Europe and he expected no less. He will be in full command of who will be comming to leaving this club, however, he is also aware of players we regard as 'key assets'. Transfer funds will be available to him however, we will not reveal how much at this present time. Once again Jazz O'Neil is the new Newcastle United Football manager.

Tyrone the Magazine

The Pony (local Pub)

He stood outside just looking at the door, he'd been here a million times before. He knew everybody and everybody knew him. As soon as he walked through the door he knew Phil, the landlord, would have his pint waiting for him by the time he got to the bar. On the pool table would be Adam, Ben, Steve and Graham all shouting and laughing, in the corner would be Jim with his pint and paper smoking those thin cigars. On the bandit would be Dave putting pound after pound trying to win them all back, while Josh would be choosing cheesy songs on the jukebox. At the bar would be Joe, Tom and Farmer, whos name was Tom but only his mother called him Tom, so being a farmer that was how was known. It was so familiar he knew it would be no different, but it somehow felt different. He himself hadn't changed but his life had. As he pushed open the door it hit him, as it always did the familliar wall of smoke and the warm smell of smoke and stale beer. Some people would expect everyone to cheer and congratulate him offer him drinks want to shake his hand, but no it was the same as it always was: Adam, Ben, Steve and Graham all held up their glasses as he entered, Jim looked over his paper for a second and went back to it, Dave gave him a nod. As he reached the bar Phil sat his pint on the mat, he handed over his money as if like clockwork Joe, Tom and Farmer looked at him and said 'alrite'. It was if nothing about him at all had changed, and he liked it normal, thats how he wanted it.

"hey, hey" Lee shouted at him as he came out of the toilet

Jazz: "hows it going?"

Lee: "not bad, not bad at all. So, first impressions in the flesh seeing them face to face, training with them whos gonna make it and who aint?"

J: "well...

Goalkeepers

Shay Given is quality all the way what can I say what you don't know already? 52 caps for Ireland been number 1 at Newcastle for the last 5 seasons bar injury. Steve Harper a very good backup but is unlikely to take number 1 from Given. Tony Caig good keeper for lower levels nothing more than backup backup.

Defenders

Jonathan 'Woody' Woodgate top class central defender for me will be the first on the teamsheet. Alongside him mainly will be Titus Bramble who most of the time will get in the first team ahead of Andy 'OB' O'Brien who would be an adequate replacement. Full backs will be mainly Aaron Hughes on the right ahead of Andy Griffen. The good thing about Hughes is he can play anywhere along the backline. Olivier Bernard who I think is highly underestimated will command the left back position as his own. Other candidates for that position are Robbie Elliott and Wayne Quinn who will both be transfer listed as they are basicly useless. the three Steven's Caldwell, Taylor both centre backs and Brennan right full back, are promising youngsters.

Midfielders

Darren Ambrose and Laurent Robert will be the main wingers for now. Ambrose is still young and all being told probably not ready for regular first team action and a replacement is probably needed. Robert is infuriating he mixes the sublime with the rediculous, I will give him a go and try to kerb his rediculousness. Jermaine 'JJ' Jenas, Kieron Dyer and Gary Speed will rotate in central midfield. Dyer is a superb talent who can run at defenders with electrifying pace. JJ will most likely rotate with Speed depending on whats needed, he is more attacking than Speed whos steely resolve and experience will be much needed throughout the campaign. Lee Bowyer and Hugo Viana play mainly play in central midfield but can play on the wings, right and left respectively, but will be mainly cover. Diego Gavilan and Jamie McClen are useless and will be offloaded at the earliest opportunity. Brian Kerr and Bradley Orr are both promising young talent.

Strikers

Alan Shearer speaks for itself. Craig Bellamy's pace and tenaciousness is the perfect partner for Shearer when he's fit. Shola Ameobi is a very good young player who will play a big part in the season. Lommana Tresor Lua Lua is gifted but not for this level and will be allowed to leave. Michael Bridges on loan from Leeds is a decent player whos contract is up in the summer. Michael Chopra is a very gifted young player who will go on to do great things, hopefully still with Newcastle.

J: ...there you have it"

L: "blimey, so what formation will you be playing?"

J: "I'm a Sunday league manager so good old 442"

*Grabs bottles, glasses, sugar bowls until he has the 442 formation laid out on the table*

J: "up the wings with the full backs overlapping getting crosses in and players joining from midfield...traditional y'know. Anyway enough with that get the drinks in"

L: "rito, hey you don't think you could get me a job there do you, nothing special like but something so we can work together"

J: "I'll see what I can do"

L: "cheers, another two pints please Phil...and a packet of crisps"

owen goal

splodgness abounds!

owen goal

splodgeness abounds!

owen goal

splodgness abounds!

Tyrone the Magazine

not sure what you mean by that OG

but all comments are welcome good or bad

Tyrone the Magazine

*buzz buzz* Suddenly as if out of nowhere a huge flailing arm came crashing down on the alarm clock. Which in turn got its own back by jumping off the bedside cabinet onto Jazz's head...still buzzing. Shouting at it to shut the **** up didn't seem to work, but hurling it accross the room did, which pleased Jazz. However, he knew he owed a debt to that little £6 machine as it has saved him from turning up late for a meeting with chairman Freddy Shepherd. His head pounding and his mouth tasting like an ashtray he pretty much fell out of bed and shuffled like a zombie into the lounge. He opened his eyes and what greeted him was a bombsite, he couldn't believe his eyes...he rubbed the gunk from his eyes hoping that would change the situation. No, his lounge was a bomb site, and this bomb site had its own sleeping drunk. Lee had effectively passed out on the sofa, as he waded through the empty cans and pizza boxes he tripped, over what can be only described as a snoring Dave camoflaged in empty beer cans. 'Kin hell' Jazz said as he made his way to the kitchen and found some asprin and a glass of water. He headed for the shower in which were more beer cans, these were unopened, sitting in the bath tub with the remains of ice cubes. As he showered he started to remember the night before. Feelling almost human he headed back to his room where he found his best, well his only, suit thankfully still hanging up in the wardrobe. He could still smell the Pony the smoke and stale beer reeked from his clothes so he threw them into a basket and opened his window. As he looked out he could see the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He headed back to the kitchen where he made some coffee, he smacked Lee on the head which in turn he got a grumble of '**** off'. He helped Dave off the floor and as they sat round drinking coffee laughing about the night before Jazz noticed he had to get to the ground.

J: "right i'm off, Dave i'll drop you off at home on the way, Lee clean this mess up will you"

D: "cheers Jazz"

L: "why me"

J: "because i'm doing you a favour by trying to get you a job so you can do this, ok"


Chairmans office St James' Park

FS: "right Jazz i'll try and keep this short and sweet. Basicly we bought you here for the long term, your a young man, and these are in the whole young players, so we are hoping this will prove to be a success in the future as you all grow and learn together."

J: "ok, i'm still in awe of this place and the whole situation. I mean i've worked a little with the under 19s but this, wow."

FS: "yes, anyway we have taken a big risk appointing you as manager, the fans expected a big name not somebody like you, i'm sure you understand what i'm saying"

J: "absolutely, I wont let you down Mr Shepherd"

FS: "please call me Freddy, now just because your in here for the future doesn't mean you can **** up the now. We don't expect miracles but we don't want to lose ground on the top few, I demand a top six finish"

J: "of course I totally understand, what about transfer money"

FS: "you will have approximately £12m to spend plus about 75% of what you make from sales. Speaking of which, I know what the press release said but you are not to sell: Given, Woody, Dyer, JJ, Bellamy, Shearer at all no matter what the cost ok"

J: "sure I wouldn't dream of selling them anyway they are our best players"

FS: "good, now John Carver, your assistant, will take the first friendly for you to give you time to get settled in after that your first friendly is away to Slagelse of Denmark. The first league match is away to Man U, good luck kid. We will also have a Champions Cup qualifiers to come but the dates and opponent hasn't been decided yet."

J: "wow away to Man U"

FS: "yeah, now we expect to be in the Champions Cup this year. That should be about it unless you have any questions, then i'll give you the tour"

J: "just the one, are there any jobs going?"

FS: "WHAT?!"

J: "its just my mate Lee has always been there for me and asked if I could ask you. He doesn't want anything special as he wouldn't be any good, but anything you've got he'd give 110% I can vouch for that."

FS: "well, there is a space on the groundsmen staff, tell him to make an appointment and i'll see him, ok."

J: "cheers Mr Shepherd, i..i mean Freddy"

Tyrone the Magazine

The Pony

Jazz entered his home from home. The Pony was essentially his office, he spoke and thought about football here than he did at the stadium. On this wet thursday evening in the east end of Newcastle something was wrong in this corner of the world. The pub seemed its usual self appart from one thing Lee was nowhere to be seen. This was very strange as Lee basicly lived in the Pony, he was always there before Jazz, usually ****ed out of his head. He went over and spoke to Dave, and he informed Jazz that as a bet Lee said he would run stark b*****k naked if he got the job at Newcastle. As it turned out the phone rang, at the pub, ten minutes earlier and Lee had got the job. No sooner had Dave finished explaining when a soaking wet naked Lee ran through the doors almost fell over a table and into the toilet. A sight that nobody should ever see left Jazz staring bemuzed until Lee emerged from the toilet fully clothed. He and Lee walked to the bar Phil already had his drink waiting for him as usual, but Jazz said no to it, he ordered an orange juice. This left the pub silent everyone stared at him as if he had just declared that he was an alien. Jazz said to the puzzled crowd that being a manager of a top flight club meant he had to be more healthy, thus he must cut down on the alcohol consumption. They went back to what they were doing shaking their heads, Lee just stood there gobsmacked, Jazz said he could have it and within 10 seconds it was gone. So strange was his order Phil had to find a carton of orange juice as the half full one in the fridge had gone off. Lee and Jazz, when he finally got his juice, sat at their usual table.

L (p***ed as a fart): "Jazz, mate I...I...I just wanna thank you. I am now a gardener and you are my leader..."

J: "your more than a gardener Lee you look after the whole stadium not just the pitch, I aint no leader either i'm just the manager i'm not your boss"

L: "you...you are my leader and I am your gardener...its...its like that film whatyamacall it...Lord of the Rings thats it. To show my thingy...erm...grat...er thanks er no app...appreciation thats the one I got you this ring. I want you to keep it through your long journey of football management"

J: "Lee, you got this PLASTIC ring from the Frosties this morning"

L: "don't you like it?"

J: "its very nice Lee"

L: "isn't it"


Next morning at Jazz's office at St James'

*knock at door*

J: "come in"

L: "its me, are you free?"

J: "yeah mate come in how are you this morning *chuckles*, I kept the ring as a memento"

L: "yeah, sorry about last night i was a bit wrecked, you should just throw that away y'know"

J: "no way im keepin this, really, and don't worry bout last night"

L: "so...what have you done so far since you've been in charge?"

J: "well...

Its been busy actually especially with comming and goings. I got rid of those useless lumps Elliott, Quinn and McClen to Tottenham, Milwall and WBA respectively, got about £2m for the lot of them. I've also spent some money getting Danny Pugh from Man U, he's only in as cover for Robert, he's young and fairly talented one I hope will learn when he gets his chances. Philippe Mexes came in from Auxerre for about £3.5m. Young but very gifted central defender, one who will get his fair share of chances throughout the season. I'm trying to get Ludovic Guily from Monaco but am still waiting for a reply. The staff here are all good and i wont need to bring anybody new in there, and the wage budget is well under control. I have a feeling we will do well if I can get them playing properly. Anyway we will have to see.

Tyrone the Magazine

Jazz was musing about the past couple of weeks, which saw new faces arrive into the club, a training ground bust up and pre season games come and go. Now the night before the opening game against Man U it had hit him, the reallity that was being a football manager. He found himself fiddling with the plastic ring that Lee gave him, it was strange it was nothing more than a drunken gesture yet he had kept it. He threw it down on the desk and thought about the big game tomorrow. The new signings of Celestine Babayaro and Mikel Aranburu add depth to the first team squad. Aranburu will probably go straight into the first team and Babayaro will have to battle it out for a first team spot, at the moment he will be waiting for his chance. However, as he can be a winger as well as a full back his chance may not be to far away. Bellamy and Robert had a training ground bust up and as a result don't get on at all, if this continues Jazz thought he would have to get rid of one of them, for the sake of the team. James Williams had also been brought in by Jazz after recomendation by one of his scouts. The 21 year old central midfielder is one for the future. He was tired and with a big day tomorrow he left his office and headed home, not before picking up the ring which he did sub-conciously.