retired_ron

So there i was, minding my own business, getting my weekly massage from my lovely lady, Ms Elisha Cuthbert, when my phone starts ringing. After a quick joke about 'its not the only thing that will be vibrating after this massage' i answer it. To my disbelief is none other than swarn enemy to any team but his own, David Gill. Now, many managers and fans have rang to tell me what such a great job i was doing at Spurs, but never another teams board member, so i listened contently to what he had to say.

Quite bedazzled by the previous statement, i asked how i could be of service...

I thought to myself, 'Without that durex deal, how am i going to make love to Elisha, she's afraid of pills.' So i had to ask what option 2 was.....

Well, that was rather unexpected obviously, so i told David i'd ring him back in an hour. Feeling stressed, i relieved some pressure all over Elisha and, with her lying in my arms (obviously she'd tissued herself down' i rang David back and told him i'd be taking option 2, and therefore taking over the managerial position at Manchester United.

retired_utyorc

Quite still a little drunk and confused by the previous statement, I asked how I could be of service...

I thought to myself I took Blackburn down why not take Manchester United down as well.

Well, that was rather unexpected obviously, so I told David I’d ring him back in an hour. Feeling stressed, I relieved some pressure my magazine of pictures of David Beckham and I rang David back and told him I’d take the job.
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retired_ron

retired_hollieo

Quite still a little drunk and confused by the previous statement, I asked how I could be of service...

I thought to myself I took Blackburn down why not take Manchester United down as well.

Well, that was rather unexpected obviously, so I told David I’d ring him back in an hour. Feeling stressed, I relieved some pressure my magazine of pictures of David Beckham and I rang David back and told him I’d take the job.
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retired_ron

Dont encourage him

retired_espeon

That's genius Danny

retired_luluz05

Ditto that. That was utter class.

retired_hollieo

Ok, now that Everton are back above Fulham I thought it was time to update the website.

I've been hard at work all afternoon (well, for at least half an hour) making the transfer details for all you stattos out there to appreciate even more fully. Hope you like it.

The all important early 2009/10 League Standings

Your Updated Gaffers Listing

Who's currently the top EPL manager according to all the muppets in the game

The All Important Trophy Cabinet

And updated transfer page

retired_ron

I really need to stop drinking

retired_hollieo

Everton Top Toffees in England once again.

Everton continue to press home their claims to the title with an impressive run of eight wins on the trot and a highly entertaining draw away at Old Trafford leaves the Toffees top of the table on 25 points. Manchester United have a couple of games in hand and Chelsea also have one game in hand but they still need to bag the points and the pressure switches to Boult and King to see if they can respond. This season's Premiership is shaping up to be the greatest yet as apart from the three clubs mentioned, Sam's Aston Villa, Wenger's Arsenal and indeed Andy's Portsmouth in 6th place still look like credible challengers.

The run continued with a few tricky away games.

Newcastle 0 - 2 Everton

With Mark D'Ardenne absent, maybe never to return and who knows but the man himself, an Everton victory was going to push the insecure Geordies boss closer to the sack which was an interesting side show to Murphy's main concern of grabbing the three points to keep up the push for top spot. On the day Newcastle started with £100K a week man Pablo Aimar running the show from his attacking mid position but the Geordies lacked a clinical edge to their play. Everton soon took control of the game as Pedretti imposed himself on the Argentine and once we went into the lead Newcastle never looked like getting back into the game. A second goal rounding off a good Everton performance as the boos echoed around St James' Park. A lovely sound.

Everton 2 - 0 Blackburn Rovers

With Leo Hardy AWOL, his Blackburn side went down at Goodison with ex-Evertonian Kasper Schmeichel unable to prevent a Blackburn own goal giving Everton the lead. A second goal before half time finished the game as a contest.

Bolton 1 - 3 Everton

Bolton may be consistent strugglers in the Premiership but always provide a tough game at the Reebok and this one was no different as the goal of the month winner for September from Phil Conner flashed past Isaksson to put Bolton ahead. However, Everton were able to come back from this setback and record a 3-1 win which in the end was a well deserved victory.

Everton 2 - 0 Liverpool

The Toffees leave it late in a tight game against rivals Liverpool. Two goals in the last 11 minutes, from Petrov and Burzanovic, see Everton re-affirm themselves as the top team in Merseyside.

Manchester United 2 - 2 Everton

With Rick Boult firmly in position as the new Manchester United gaffer and starting off with comprehensive victory over Ben's Middlesbrough at Old Trafford and a win at Pagi's Charlton Athletic, Manchester United have now to be counted as genuine challengers for the title once again. With an awesome attacking trio of Rooney, E'too and Ronaldinho, backed up with midfield steel and flair from Smylie and Baptista, Boult was confident before the game and anticipating a Man Utd victory. Murphy, playing it coyly in the press responded classily with a simple "we'll see on the day" and it was the Everton manager who was the man to call it right.

Knowing that a point would be a good result, Murphy employed his "goat buster" tactic and pushed Kasper Bogelund onto Ronaldinho and Anthony Revelliere onto Wayne Rooney thus attempting to stifle Man Utd's game plan which is largely dependent on width. The game kicked off and immediately it was Alberto Gilardino making an impact - having the strength to see off the Man Utd challenges to fire an unstoppable effort into the roof of the far corner of the net. What a start and quite simply stunning brilliance from the Italian striker against his old club who discarded his talents so wastefully. However, it was long before Boult had a stroke of luck - as after only eight minutes, Everton's rock of a left back Antony Reveillere was injured requiring an Everton defensive reshuffle. In response, Nigel De Jong was moved from his central defensive pairing with Matel Radoi to left back and Werner Wolf came into the central defensive position. Unfortunately for Everton, Wolf was short of match practice and his slack defending from the German U21 international allowed E'too to get in and grab an equaliser. 1-1 and Utd were starting to call the shots as you would expect from the home team.

However, Everton's genius in the midfield was having none of it and in the second half up stepped Kim Kallstrom to fire home an unstoppable shot from range, beating Rensing in the Utd goal all ends up. YESSSSSSSS.....However, further disaster was to hit the Everton side as another injury saw the lads having to face the United onslaught with 10 men for the final minutes. As Murphy tried to shore up the lead, United attacked us and with Everton having no striker on the field we just couldn't get out of our own half. The match had definitely swung Boult's way and with 7 minutes left the inevitable equaliser arrived from the boot of E'too once more, the Cameroon international reclaiming his worth as one of the EPL's most lethal strikers. At this stage, Murphy just wanted to hear the final whistle and eventually the ref blew up after the normal "Man U aren't winning" added on time eventually elapsed half an hour later.

After the game Murphy enthused: