Once again i find myself sitting at my computer trying to put down onto paper what has befallen my newcastle team since my last report- indeed the "Jekyll and Hyde" nature of my team has not only left me an emotional wreck, but i find myself constantly thinking about my Newcastle team wherever i am, be it who im going to sell to bring in some much needed cash to the toon army coffers, whilst im down the pub with the lads, or far more worryingly,while enjoying a sexual liaison with my moderately attractive on/off girlfriend, how im going to get one other his scouseness, the veritable git Mr.Williams-in all serious does he have a first name? I've never heard it!...I'll give an update when i find out but its odds on that hes either a romanian illegal immigrant of no fixed abode, or a norwegian cod fisherman called Olaf-you read it here first! :p(i have no idea what this emoticon means..RAZZ??-so i thought id throw it in)
Anyway back to the football matters at hand, once again my team have spluttered from match to match struggling to find that bit of consistency that makes the difference between a decent team and a team who can "sow their seed" in europe.
My results have been as follows
Fa cup 6th round
Newcastle 2-0 Charlton(home)
Goals- Buffel,Corvia
Facing a relegated charlton team at a precursory glance one would assume that they could be rolled over with relative ease, due to the gap in quality between the two divisions, however with Van Persie and Gronkjaer the jokers in the deck- the hand i'd been dealt was not looking so fantastic-don't get me wrong i wasn't going to slit my own wrists but it could have been an easier draw. Anyway i could not have asked for a better start as Buffel rounded 3 players before dealing a quick 1-2 to the livewire Corvia who chipped the ball up for Buffel to smash home from some 35yds, sixteen seconds gone and 1-0 on the board, maybe i could bag 5/6...maybe not, from then on they played the rafa benitez liverpool champions league tactics and sat behind the ball hoping to bore the opposition to deaf... so this went on until 85 mins with minimal action to report when i decided enough was enough and told Corvia to drop deep, which yielded imediate results when he took the ball from Buffel and smashed it in from the edge of the box- at this point i stop to appreciate the moment- I know how it feels to be jesus, albeit instead of feeding the 5000- cracking open the brazil nut that is charltons defence with my butt cheeks.
2-0 and game over booking me a berth in the semi-final and a trip to new wembley against Man Utd. This doesn't phase me as to be honest at the moment in untouchable- walking on water...in summary i am jesus- albeit with more charisma and less beard.
My next match was in the league against Coventry at St.James' Park
newcastle 0-0 coventry
Rock bottom Coventry were welcomed to St. James' needing victory to give themselves a chance of survival but more feasibly a chance to avoid the drop until the next match day. Thus with this nugget of information in mind i approached the match in high spirits believing that it would be a goal fest, a chance for my strikers to "fill their boots" so to speak. Unforunately someone had forgotten to tell the Coventry manager that a win was a necessity to stay up as i found myself once again facing a team with the man behind the ball philosophy . Despite completely dominating the match they held out for a draw and were relegated, a lesson to be learned here surely
After the game a less than jovial D'Ardenne had this to say
"Bunch of tossers"
Newcastle 2-0 leicester(away-league-please.. like leicester would be in a cup at this stage of the season)
Goals- Corvia,Buffel
I was once again on my travels to the walkers stadium, home of crisps and the big eared buffoon gary lineker.
A relatively easy victory ensued as expected with two clinically taken goals by the usual suspects, with many players bing rested before the big game against United.
So once again it all came down to a solitary game that could decide whether my season was a success or a failure, and being that my side had "fluffed their lines" against sporting in the UEFA cup i decided to give them the day off prior to the match and instead took them to germany home of the humble sausage and hairy women to ride motorized toilets down Bonns' snowy peaks- surprisingly and much to the annoyance of pre race favourite Ludovic Butelle, who claimed to have experience in the art of toilet racing, Andy"big turd" O'Brien was victorious on the day notching up a respectable time of 2 minutes and 19 seconds. Wooden spoon went to wesley Sonck for refusing to take part and then getting frostbite in his nether-regions.
The squad relaxed and focused, the day of the game arrived and the excitement in the air was tangible as the ever-faithful geordie masses made wembley theirs for the day despite the long journey down, where as the majority of the Man Utd supporters travelled as far afield from kensington, and across the london underground.
Newcastle 0-0 Man Utd(Wembley, FA cup Semi-0-0 AET pens =Newcastle 2-1 Man utd)
As the above scoreline suggests this match was rather eventless goal wise but Man u had Newcastle on the rack for most of the game, newcastle only keeping their noses above water courtesy of excellent defesive work by the maturing Steven Taylor(C) and fantastic goalkeeping by the ever improving Butelle.
After extra time in which Dede was sent off for a second bookable offence the match went to the dreaded penalty shootout, particularly so as the average penalty taking number for the 11 newcastle players on the pitch was 6.5 with a plethora of 2's among that. As i sat nervously on my seat as rooney began his run up i suddenly felt my stomach turn, could it be that i knew i was going to lose, or could it be the pizza i just ate, found under my bed from some days/weeks previously. Either way it was a decidedly unpleasant feeling and i could not help but think that it was a premonition of my exit from the cup and my last chance of silverware. After Rooney stylishly smashed the ball home in to the roof of the net Kluivert by now a veteran of 32 steped up and cool as ice slotted it into the corner of the net sending the young Rensing the wrong way and making him look a right pillock. Man Utd missed their next pen and i woped with delight at the prospect of going 2-1 up as Murphy would surely score-after all he had made it a habit of constantly scoring from the spot against Man Utd while at liverpool. i sat back a warm glow enveloping me.... but he missed.. i was speechless the absolute git, instantly i guessed foul play and sure enough the titters of his scouseness williams could be heard resounding throughout mIRC- obviously Murphy was under instruction to miss from Williams. At this point i cussed Murphy for missing
only for Murphy(Niall) to repsond that i should not demean his family name- i would like to appologise for any offence caused and can assure Murhy(Niall) that no offence was intended after all is it not the case that all irish are related and indeed called Murphy as they are all related(hence the deformity caused by years of inbreeding!)
Back to the football and taylor and faty both went on to miss their pens but fortunately Man Utd were finding goals just as hard to come by with Rensing the GK being told to take the 4th pen which he duly missed. so 4 pens taken and the score a paltry 1-1! O'Shea stepped up for united and blazed it over-suddenly i had a chance-if Lescott could score then a berth in the final could be mine!(knowing that in my excitement previously i had spilt beer all over the floor i placed my glass of merlot to one side) Up stepped Lescott and...........GOALLLLLLLL he powered it into the net, i went wild jumping around ecstatically in my chair and unfortunately in my excitement knocking over my glass of wine all over the floor(yes next to both the beer and mouse blood stains) indeed thats how i've started to chart my progress on FM-the more stains the better my team perform!
Newcastle 0-2 Villa(away, league)
Goals- Suazo, Lampard
As the bolton game previously this game came too soon and my weary team could barely get a look in as they were dominated by Sams well drilled villa outfit- to be honest the score could and perhaps should have been far greater, and this impressive performance by the villains(despite my teams tiredness) belies the fact that they languish in 12th in the league- i expect better from them next year, as well as looking forward to playing them again hopefully with a different result!
So as my report draws to a close once again i take a minute of time to detail what lies in store for Newcastle both in the near and distant future. FA cup success is obviously the priority as it could also get us into europe as well as the chance of some silverware to fill the empty chasm that is the Newcastle trophy cabinet, i don't know who im playing but no matter who it is im sure my biys won't let this side down and will be up for the big occasion, as for meim settled in the job and won't look to be leaving unless the Monaco job comes up!
Looking to the future sessions it remains to be seen whether Mo or Williams(no first name) will get the shove first(just kidding) but its gonna be fun finding out, as the season draws to a close the rebuilding process will begin in earnest in the summer and i promise the supporters that i will do everything in my power to take the club forward, oh and by the way good luck to Niall as he "lives the dream" in eurpe with the toffees-best of luck mate
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