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Collected together on a small field were several intriguingly sized characters. Indeed, many had believed them to be fictional, others dubious as to their morals and motives, whilst others still fervently believed they were waiting for them on the "other side". However, as perhaps might be ascertained by now, they were indeed a whole set of religious figures and heads of state grouped together on a large grassy pitch awaiting further instructions. They were, by order of the head god, Paul McGrath, all geared up for their first ever football session.
Now some may be at first confused by this opening statement, but really there is no cause for alarm. These sterling candidates - of various genders and sexual persuasions had all been considering the manic addiction to this sport that had swept the world by the beginning of the 21st Century. Given, then that they had indeed controlled some of these individual's lives, and even resembled a few of them physically - the Immortals, getting ever itchy feet in the ether of the after life decided to come down and give it a blast themselves. Of course - when they'd all decided to come down there were of course initial debates on who should take charge. The identical twins, God and Allah, both believed they ruled supreme, whilst Yahweh was equally outraged he hadn't been considered. Buddha, frankly, couldn't give a sh*t.
So it was they had decided to elect a neutral representative, preferably one already revered in his own right in the sport. The decision took a 4/5ths of a nanosecond to decide, with debate seemingly limited, and Irishman Paul McGrath, of Aston Villa was elected leader of the pack. Paul, being really quite drunk as usual, accepted for a laugh, genuinely believing it to be little more than a bizarre hallucination. However, when he came too the following morning the presence of deities, had him thinking otherwise, and so he groaned.
Back on the training pitch near Mount Olympus, the Gods were buggering about waiting for their manager to turn up. There had been debate on the naming of the club and it's location, and therefore league. Zeus insisted they should play in Greece, whilst Jupiter told him quite simply to shove a lightening bolt where not even Hera would go. Jupiter and the Pope both went for Italy and of course Rome and so forth. Eventually it was decided it would be played in the centre of the Earth - the home of proper football, and the fount of all that was great - Sweden. With Satan dreaming of sauna's and large chested 6 foot blondes, the others decided to try and lead him from temptation - which, as Jesus predicted, completely failed. Training though was spread around on a rota basis to accomodate the private wishes of all the deities. Everyone couldn't wait for Buddha's go though - he would be cancelling training in favour of a smoking session.
" OKAY then you bastards! If you're so called Gods then you'll have no problems with the fitness regime!" announced a surprisingly sober McGrath charging into the arena. ”Go on a 10 mile jog, whilst exercising all your limbs!!" Grishnu groaned at this last bit. As instructed they all did so and were back fully prepared within 5.5 seconds.
"Er, I said a light jog - no need to go crazy! Right then time to start assigning positions for the initial kick about lads! Ok you the twins! I've forgotten who's who again!?"
"Allah's the one with the beard." offered God. " Otherwise we're more or less the same, though he's a teetotal freak."
"Now, now God. No bitching. Don't want to start any wars between you. Good for you Allah, drinking can really f*ck you up as my knees will testify to. Right then what do you want?"
"I'll take a central position if I can." Again God got his word in first. "Then Jesus can play on the right hand side of me."
"OK. you can two of the defenders, though we're going to need 4 the way I like to play. Anyone else?"
"I'll go next to God." Yahweh offered this next. He always got on well enough with God. In many respects they were kind of similar, though Yahweh often felt a little isolated. God occasionally claimed he never gave Jesus enough credit, a charge that was occasionally levered towards Allah but not quite as fiercely.
"Good good. Right that's 3 of them sorted. Who's going on the left? Buddha? HEY! Put that out1 No smoking!"
"Paul, chill out relax my friend. You seem stressed!"
"I am not stressed!!!"
"Listen, roll a spliff, sit down next to me and just f*cking chill man."
"What position you taking?"
"Ah whatever man. I'm easy - I just take what I am given man." Buddha inhaled a large puff from his sweetleaf, exhaled and stared into space with a glazed, yet somewhat contented expression on his face.
"Right you can go in goal!" McGrath decided. If he's going to sit down all the time he's going to be bugger all use in goal, but then Grishnu started fretting." What is it you freak!?"Macca inquired un-necessarily harshly.
"Well, I wanted to go in goal!"
"Any reason in particular?"
"Well, with 6 hands I feel I could do a pretty decent job?" Grishnu replied stating a really quite valid fact.
"Oh I see. Yeah good point. Ok Buddha you're no longer in goal!"
"Fair dues man. That's wack."
"Right that's 4 down. Ok, I'll just add some of you in where I can be arsed. If it's rubbish we'll change around as the season goes on."
"Hang on a minute boss, just a random thought." Mohammed spoke up at last the quiet bugger. " What about nationalities? " I mean will we all be eligible to play? I was looking through the rules and -"
"Hey Mo! Relax. Take a smoke from Buddha here - " At which point the rather tanned looking Buddha offered a toke to Mohammed - which was accepted. " Don't worry about that - for the purposes of our exercise, er you're all English." Macca tried to say this last part as quietly as possible in fear of an outrage. Unfortunately it still pïssed everyone off.
"WHAT? Not those bastards! Aside from the Americans I can't think of a country I'd rather not be!" God expressed this moral outrage first. " They're so embarrassing!"
"Yeah!" Chipped in Yahweh." We should be Israelites for pete's sake!"
" Oh do shut up!" replied Jesus. " Listen Paul, mate, I don't mind - I'm not bothered. I'll forgive and forget whatever crimes those folk will have done. It's only a game eh?"
"Thank you Jesus! I echo his sentiments." Mohammed agreed. " You guys should listen to the prophet man"
"Hey! I'm the son of God!" Jesus snapped back angrily.
"That's what you think!" added Satan mischievously.
"What's that now? Who's THE God eh? Excuse me but I ruled for centuries along with my family!" Zeus refused to let his type being ignored.
"NO NO NO NO NO!" Paul yelled in an almighty roar that at once brought a silence through out the camp. " Now let's get this straight once and for all - I was taking this job on, with the proviso there would be none of these arguments! So no bickering about who's holier than thou for the love of G--- er Dave. Stop that ***** now ok?"
"Sorry boss." They all replied pretty much in unison.
"Ok, now here, take a few footballs have a kick around and we'll see what develops. Oh and just for the record, apparently there are age limitations on the registration forms so I can't just put "unknown" or 1400 years old. To keep it fair - you're all 19 ok."
"Ok! I like it!" Satan smiled. He liked being 19. He sat down and continued sharing a bifta with Buddha as the other supreme deities started playing ball.
As Paul watched on he realised they were, well, bloody good, but given their respective identities it wasn't much of a surprise. There were a few who were reluctant to go too hard in on other players, whilst for some reason the Pope had it in for Yahweh and Brian of Nazareth - telling them to just: "Yid the hell out of here." Paul stepped in and sent the bastard off to think about what he just said - and he was only to return when he could be civil. Instead the septuagenarian muttered how the gays had ruined real football, as he set about coming up with even more eccentric ideas on how to isolate his religion.
The rest of the training session brought with it some pleasant ideas to note - Grishnu was a bloody good goalkeeper, whilst Jesus was practically walking on water on the right - with some immaculate crossing, whilst Zeus was one heck of a striker, hitting the target with exquisite accuracy. With Aphrodite filling the hole, and Athene literally flying down the left wing, Paul reckoned his side were well in with a chance of succeeding at the highest level of football. That said, they'd still be starting on the bottom rung of the ladder in Spain. He'd only said Sweden to get Satan all excited, whilst on the nationalities front - for amusement's sake, their first nationalities would actually all be San Marino. Still - the less said about that the better. By quarter to six that evening Paul had a pretty fair idea of the positions for the season to come, and of the strengths and flaws of the players involved. With the Gods' all sent off to ignore a load of pointless prayers, the roster was drawn up.
Grishnu - highly versatile. His numerous limbs and floating posture helped him keep the vast majority of the balls out of the net. The only one he conceded was when Satan shot when he wasn't looking.
Buddha - the toked out zen like figure would be back up - which suited him down to the ground. I mean when he was needed he'd do it, but otherwise he was pretty chilled out. He was also a great for sorting out any little fights in the camp. Despite sharing an unfortunate tan with Roberts Kilroy and Silk he was still highly respected.
Defenders
Satan - the left back was slightly interesting. He'd flit between aggression and laziness. However he's fantastic for playing mind games with his opponents, drawing them into crude challenges and vocal outbursts they'd soon regret.
God - a rather imperious fellow this - the 8 foot, ginger haired beast was excellent at defending his corner, and he usually has an answer to most things thrown at hime.
Jesus - can be a bit clingy to God, but though he appears, certainly personality wise, to be a natural leftie, he's a real inspiration for the right. With pin point tackling, astonishing distribution and excellent crosses, he should do well.
Yahweh - the key here is whether he can form a decent partnership with God. It's a common misconception that they are the same deity. Yahweh is only vaguely related. The tiff over Jesus seems to be settled now. Whilst he's a small fella for a defender he's also very courageous and can knock back Giants with ease.
Elephant God - useful in emergencies. Will trample over opposition, but doesn't play offside well - can linger too much in the actual goal to Grishnu's discomfort.
Poseidon - boy do you not want to cross this fella. Just be warned - vengeance will wraught if he feels wronged. Bloody stubborn and argumentative.
Midfielders
Allah - Not to be confused with God. The bearded maestro is always calm. A firm believer that a healthy lifestyle will serve you well in the afterlife, he rarelty worries about a game's direction. Apparently it's all controlled by destiny anyway.
Prometheus - lightening quick this guy. Relationship with Zeus could prove thorny, however with self repairing organs his health is in tip-top shape. Will steal a pace or two on most guys, burning them with ease.
Mohammed - a real leader this one. Very virtuous the 5 foot blonde haired, blue eyed stockily clad fella knows his place. He leads by example, even if half the time people don't listen very well and he gets completely misquoted by the other nutter. Still he's only in the same boat as most of the other folk here.
Atlas - one strong motherf*cker. On form this guy will really hold the side together. He can carry them if need be.
Mars Ultor - temporamental bugger. Will look for fights even when not neccessary. Only a back up but will be brought in when called upon. Has an ego and a half.
Athene - fast as f*ck - this lovely twinkle toed lass, can fly down the wings with exceptional pace and her delivery is as sweet as it is precise. With a wonderful caring personality to boot, she's a wonderful advert for the left wingers out there.
Aphrodite - interlinks with midfield and forward but a tendancy to elope can cause difficulties - need to be disciplined, but a very excitable character.
Zeus - a cracking striker - delivery highly potent and deadly. Sometimes literally. Likes to play captain, but to appease the ego's everyone will be getting a go. His array of thunderbolts will come in handy too.
Jupiter - The fat bastard in the side. However that description really does hide the splendiferious talents within his grasp. Commanding and decisive, you won't see him hesitating.
Achilles - What a guy. Pretty chilled out most of the time, but get him on a good day and he's outstanding. Prone to fatal injuries if tackled however.
Hercules - a show off and a half. Whilst he's all powerful and so forth he can go over the top on occasion. A useful back up though, and a piece of eye candy for the female followers. Has a film featuring him in production starring Melvyn Bragg.
Sent Home
Janus - two faced bastard causing too many ructions in the squad - will not be joining the squad.
Beelzebub - Satan also disciplined for cloning another version of himself. One cheeky devil will suffice.
The Pope - because everyone hates the c*nt. With God having doubts about his sexuality, there's no room for homophobia here.
Brian of Nazareth - he's not actually the Messiah.
That was the squad list for the season 2000-2001 - a year most were happy to acquiese with, given how just watching on from up above, or down below had become somewhat depressing and boring for the majority, especially the Greeks and the Romans who had been more or less abandoned for 1700 years, but luckily they bore no grudge against their more fashionable counterparts.
In a hurriedly constructed, 1,000,000 seater stadium, thanks largely to the efforts of the deities themselves, there was not all too unsurprisingly a great deal of publicity about how the Gods had decided to reform themselves on the planet in the form of footballers. Paul McGrath in a bid to harden any feelings of coasting through the up coming season ordered a tour of Scotland , where a plethora of journalists were following with awe. Of course there was a great deal of moral outrage, especially from the outcast The Pope who's criticism was also hounded upon as being hypocritical seemed to briefly dent spirits, but God simply turned around and to the baying media replied: " Ha, you think that guy's getting past St. Peter?"
Bids from the big sides obviously poured in with chief execs getting terribly excited about the merchandise opportunities as well as the abilities that go along with having a God in your side, but Paul battered them all off with ease, with 150million price tags placed on the heads of the players. Meanwhile some random coaches came in just to make it look as though the club weren't just run by Paul McGrath. The striking colours of a Purple backdrop laced in Gold seemed to delight the wealth of fans that suddenly appeared. To be honest they didn't even care if they were brandished glory hunters, there aren't many chances to watch your idols play. The All Star Deities did have 130 odd million quid to spend on players, but Paul didn't think they would be dipping in their too soon. Immortals and Mortals never mixed well.
Albion Rovers v Gods @ Cliftonhill Friday 11 August
4-4-2: Grishnu; Satan Yahweh God Jesus; Athene Mohammed Aphrodite Prometheus; Jupiter Zeus. [/i]
In front of a packed crowd the match brought what many expected to be honest as the Gods started in fine fettle obliterating the Albion with relative ease. In the 4th minute Aphrodite fired in a shot from 40 yards, swerving the ball in, before a corner from Satan found God unmarked to head home. The Lord ran off wildly celebrating with his fans. An evangelical in the crowd held up a sign proclaiming " God is Fantastic!" Within three minutes Aphrodite sent in Prometheus who's scorching drive rippled the net as he wheeled away in high fives with Zeus , the striker's flaying thunderbolt accidentally decapitating a few home fans. After a while of passing around to each other Athene snapped after being called a "jumped up tart with wings" and pushing her opponent. Of course she forgot her strength and set Steven Moffat into the North Sea. Moffat was then substituted. As the half drew to a close there were further goals as both Zeus and Jupiter bagged one each. The second half was more subdued though as half of the Albion players and cheated. They had prayed for sympathy - and unfortunately the Gods acquised. Jupiter did get bored of that and nabbed another at the end though. 0-6
Queens Park v Gods
4-4-2: Buddha; Poseidon Satan Elephant God Atlas; Athene Allah Aphrodite Mars Ultor; Achilles Hercules
Having been warned physical conduct was not on the cards after Athene's disaster, the Gods were slightly more cautious in their approach - until Hercules tripped over an opponent whilst posing for the cameras early on. Elephant God charged through the pitch unchallenged with terrified defenders buggering off to score the first, but that was all for the half as Queens Park showed no fear, despite Satan's quite cruel baiting. Paul Cameron did succumb though as he took a surprised Athene out picking up a red card. In the second half Mars Ultor, Achilles and Zeus all scored to round off another decent day for the fans. 0-4
61 Forfar v Gods
4-4-2:Buddha; Poseidon Satan Elephant God Atlas; Athene Allah Aphrodite Prometheus; Achilles Hercules
With the sides decided as usual by lots carried out by the Gods, it was toking Buddha who becleame captain for the day. He sat there smoking away carefree as usual. Athene was having another bad day again with two yellow cards for rash challenges - leaving the same opponent in agony - and there was a sudden realisation it was that time of the month - and her being a Goddess only made matters worth. In another routine win, it was Satan who was wildly lauded as the atar of the show - and many Satanists in the crowd were cheering on their fella with glee. At the end of the match their idol was kind enough to offer them a few loose women and plenty of magic tricks in return for their support. In the second half, the failings in Buddha's decision not to move were highlighted as Falkirk grabbed a shock goal, with the God as usual not caring too hard. However two from Aphrodite and a hat-trick from Achilles , complemented by a 90 yard drive from Zeus kept the press happy. 1-6
Season 2000-2001 Spanish Second Division B Group 2
With already substantial merchandising off and running more than compensating for the high wages some Gods were on, Paul McGrath was feeling like the luckiest manager in the world. Of course ensuring there was no war of words amongst them was proving quite difficult though, and he did receive hate mail from certain fundamentalist quarters for depicting such talents in the same league as mortals, whilst playing Satan also drew sharp criticism from some very pious arseholes in the media. However, with Atheism now ever more on the rise, most people just enjoyed the laugh - watching all the extremists now realising that everyone was right and no-one cared. The sight of Allah,Mohammed, Jesus and God embracing each other in harmony immediately ended the wars, and Osama bin Laden was dismayed when Allah called him a bloody idiot who'd gotten it all quite wrong, whilst Jesus had nothing but exceptionally scathing words for both the Pope and much of the United States. Indeed George W Bush only actually received praise from Satan - and Al Gore's personal ratings soared in the upcoming election. Sceptics wanting proof of their godliness were found standing back in awe, when Zeus struck down a few select Conservatives with his thunderbolts,
August
The season started well as per usual with an away victory at Aurrera, before the eagerly anticipated first home match, against Zaragoza at the Casino Royale stadium, where a creditable 50,000 turned up. That didn't satisfy the raging Mars Ultor who was looking for an excuse to get angry - and when he was denied moves to other clubs ( where he'd clearly be the star player and consequently be the only one to receive lavish worship ). Unsurprisingly it began, to Macca's dismay to cause a few discontented voices on the various training grounds, and Paul couldn't help but feel that some Gods really just weren't bothering with. No wonder the Romans had lost faith all those years ago.
" Right there we are lads, a good start to the season!" Paul started the first post first month training session. " Two solid wins, good goals and clean sheets. Drinks all round guys."
" Thanks boss." replied Satan, swiftly guzzling down the drinks on offer - typically considering his own needs first before thinking about the others. " Hey, Buddha man, you got a roll there?"
" Sure, take a seat man and chill. Get that zen feeling!" Buddha, relaxed as ever, had been stoned for the past month straight now and was really getting into "the zone".
With those two in their own little world, the others relaxed, and began conversing about their fate. " Well that was a bit of fun hey lads?" began Athene. " I enjoyed all that flying and scoring - fun hobby this."
"Well frankly I could have told you that would have happened." added a smug Allah.
"Bah, there's a reason you're banned from bookies you know Allah mate. " grinned Mohammed." Anyway, what is this we're drinking?"
"Just orange juice!" interjected Paul McGrath. " No, booze here!" The last comment somewhat undermined by the slurred tone which it arrived in.
" Bah, come on Jesus! You can change all that!" Satan pleaded. "Give us something interesting to drink!"
"No, Satan. Do as your told for once." Jesus replied.
" Ah go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, will you not even have a little yourself?" Satan affected a grating feminine Irish accent.
"Oh come on kid, cheer up - we're not up there now are we?" Jesus was shocked to hear this reprimand from his own father. [i] " Who really cares? You never were much for just having some fun."
"Hey! I'm playing football - you can do it if you want!"
"Ok - I will then. Right! Who wants what?" God stood up and proceeded to change the orange juice to cater for individual tastes, from wines from the vinyards of France and Greece, to the lagers of Belgium and Britain, and to the spirits from Russia. Training suddenly went up an extra notch on the excitement ladder.
Aurrera 0 Gods 3 Athene 14; Mohammed 62, Achilles 76 Gods 3 Real Zaragoza Mohammed 24, Jesus 62, Athene 68
A more composed start began well at Osasuna, where a couple of blinding efforts from Zeus dismantled the hosts, before the other coaches recommended Andres Ortiz as a young star for the future. He'd already been offered a contract, but when put in a training session with the Deities, his mortal status did not go down well, and he was literally crushed to death by the Elephant God , though thankfully Jesus was on hand to save the lucky bugger's life. As a result of this, the Elephant God was also punished with an injury from Grishnu . He would have to sit out a month of action, taking care of prayer sessions and communicating with the media.
He was on the sidelines for the cracking encounter against Gernika, with the goals piling in during the first half, but it wasn't great news all around. Gorka Lopez was sadly on the end of a terrible challenge from Poisedon in the first half as the Sea God's trident accidentally skewered his head so badly that even with medical attention from God, the player would still be out for a couple of weeks. It was also declared afterwards that no, trident's or pitchforks were allowed on the pitch there after. Jesus was the main provider of goals, whilst Poisedon was accused of diving when he won the penalty at the end of the first half. In the second, Yahweh came in for stick when he was dismissed in a punch up with their goalkeeper Iorga, with both sent off. The main problem being that Yahweh's mind blowing critical response to being insulted led to Iorga collapsing a psychological wreck. It was an act that would see his suspension extended to 3 games.
There was a slight shock in the next match as two goals were conceded for the first time at Tropezon, with the 4 goal lead already there, but in the end, with the other Gods either feeling sympathetic or getting all high and mighty about their status were suddenly shocked to see the hosts score twice. Zeus was so angry with the defending he threw a thunderbolt at God. Deified warfare almost commenced at the end until Satan started maliciously laughing too loud and they decided not the let the red faced bastard win. Buddha didn't bother apologising for his mistakes - to be honest he hadn't even noticed.
Afterwards the press left their praise for Athene with the beautiful winged goddess coming in for much praise, and demand for interviews and photo-shoots with FHM, were coming in thick and fast. The beau though declined for now, though conceding she was very flattered by the interest in her perfectly curved body. Her 4 goals in 5 games had also received deserved praise. Against Alavez B, another 6 goal thriller prevailed, even if the Gods' as expected nabbed them all, though this was different. With God dropped after not protecting Buddha well enough before hand, Atlas had to shoulder some responsibility for the defence which he did superbly. Young Ortiz, the normal player was even brought in for a first start over the miserable Mars Ultor - who exploded spectacularly when he realised he'd been dropped for a mortal. The final goal again was controversial after Jupiter successfully intimidated the ref into awarded the Gods a penalty for absolutely no reason.
Before the month was over there was even time for Paul to reply with words of high praise for Jesus whose resurrection was proving really quite successful, and Hercules whose attitude seemed to have calmed down quite a bit. Indeed the muscular forward was even grateful to Paul for building him up.
Osasuna 0 Gods 4 Elephant God 6, Zeus 13, 45, Achilles 61 Gods 6 Gernika 0 Jupiter 10, 15, Athene 33, 37, Poisedon 45 pen, Hercules 83 Tropezon 2 Gods 4 Justo 80, Juan Carlos 90; Prometheus 25, Achilles 41, Zeus 50, Jupiter 66 Gods 6 Alavez B 0 Hercules 14, 50, Ortiz 18, Zeus 20, Poisedon 34, 80
It's True: Boredom Does Lead To Insanity 
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