shannon2007

I'll put a fiver on Satan

retired_edmari

Tenner on Buddha... I like those odds...

Top notch story, I might add

retired_mika318

Twenty quid says it was Dwight Yorke.

retired_embartl

ok, well betting's still on until the winner's revealed :p

shannon2007

In other words you're too lazy to an update :p

retired_embartl

feck off I was about to post when the computer monged itself up :p here we go

Paxman and the Gods...

The opening theme tune plays as camera switches from silhoutted figures to a close up of Jeremy Paxman's angry face. Next to him is a well dressed Allah

JP: Welcome to another edition of Paxman and the Gods. As you were informed of last week I was going to be challenging Mr. Allah here on his role in terrorism and cultural divides in the western and eastern world. I hope you're ready Mr. Allah

A: Of course, I am always prepared for I know the destiny.

JP: Well that's a bit arrogant wouldn't you say?

A: No. Now question me as you intend to.

JP: I will! Now then, as discussed with Jesus last week - the past few hundred years has seen several encounters and wars fought in the name of your good self or God of the Christians and of the Jews... so your explanation please.

A: Well there's some confusion i accept, but when we talk about the true followers of the religion, there haven't been major problems. Is it my fault cultural nuances were derogatory towards women?

JP: Well you believe in fate.

A: Yes but you should see how good dead women get it on the afterlife? It all works out!

JP: Isn't that unfair?

A: Never said it was. Now let's take these warry fighty people who've been gagging for killings. They aren't muslims really. Anyone who thinks so is misguided.

JP: Well, until you showed up there were a great deal of antagonism down here especially after 9/11 - what do you say about that. These fundamentalists killed 3000 people. How do you live with that on your conscience! Honestly! It's appalling.

A: Well that's your view Jeremy. Do you know those victims personally? I don't. None of them believed in me but I still felt for them. But you know, the terrorists involved they've just got a screw loose. If they had been helped earlier on and not abandoned by a wanton capitalist society intent on greed, self preservation and elitism compounded by an inherently bias, and some might say discriminatory society. For good you need bad. I own the deck of cards, how I deal them is just down to luck.

JP: so the terrorists get a full house, whilst poor old John Doe get's Queen high - is that what you're saying? That's a disgraceful system.

A: Well we don't always play poker. Sometimes i'ts blackjack, or rummy - depends how I'm feeling to be honest.

JP: Unbelievable. Well, to get onto current topics - aside from world politics death and destruction let's talk about football and the Gods. Now professional sportsmen are supposed to be role models are they not?

A: I agree.

JP: Well I'm afraid some of the violence on the pitch has been astounding. You guys really don't know your own strength do you!!? And then we have the scandal. A fellow player impregnated! Unbelievable! What kind of an example does that set!?

A: Well that's again controlled by -

JP: Destiny I know.Stop saying that! Now tell me how you feel about Athene's plight.

A: Well it happens. We will not be revealing the father for reasons of privacy and respect. They will work out their differences.

JP: Abortion?

A: No decision has been made, Athene and Aphrodite and the guilty culprit have requested to be left alone.

JP: Are you the guilty partner? Did you do the dirty deed Mr. Allah!? Was it fate? Come on answer me! Were you drunk!?

A: Outrageous! I never drink! and no it wasn't me.

JP: Never drink eh? Well explain this from January!

on the screen is a picture depicting Allah supping from a bottle of Smirnoff. His cheeks are very red.

JP: You can't can you! You LIAR! If you lied about that who knows what else you've been lying about!

A: That's a doctored photo Jeremy.

JP: Rubbish - it's been tested for that and it's authentic.

A: Bugger.

JP:Indeed. Now get out of here you scoundrel. You are guilty my friend! Some God you are!

Well, thank you for tuning in to watch me grill Allah, next up we have a representative from one of the Ancients with us. Until then - don't listen to God and goodbye.

retired_embartl

and another for the sake of it!

March 2001

With the guilty party dropped from the line up, along with Athene and Aphrodite for emotional reasons, the side tried to deflect as much manic media attention from that issue as possible, but success on the football field was pretty much taken for granted anyway. Against Burgos the 100 plus goal difference was assured with a pretty 2-0 victory, whilst a few days later the players helped put various behind them with a smashing of Athletic B with plenty of goals for Hercules and Prometheus whilst Aphrodite came off the bench eager to exercise some anger as she scored an astonishing effort from her own goal line - the shot full of real fury. The victory also clinched the inevitable play off place.

With success over Gimnastica it was 110 goal difference to the good, and two more for Aphrodite as both her goals were provided superbly ironically by the father of her Athene's child. Elephant God at the end then picked up a horrible injury yet again, and was given a decent break from the action. All this action clearly too much for him to cope with along with his religious duties. It also meant that once more he would miss another San Marino match.

Before then however there was another goal fest as the case of the pregnant Athene was put on hold, as another lightening fast start saw two early goals for Zeus both provided for by the silky skills of the red horned Satan . Athene, Poisedon and Allah all got in on the act before half time as the travelling fans were having another raging party. In the second half - the only goals came from the only decent Pena Sport player - Jordi Suralles - but they were both actually at the wrong end as two own goals contributed to a 7-0 final score line.

After this match and before the San Marino trip to Scotland there was another inquest and sorting out of the issues at camp imperatorum.

" Right then mate. You can't go impregnating her. I expect a hell of a lot better from you, but go kiss and make up with the pair and we'll forget this. She's a tough cookie so hopefully we'll have a summer birth."

" You're a good man Paul. Thanks for the support. It was a complete accident - "

" Hey I don't need the details, ok. Right do that go and enjoy Scotland and we'll see you back for the Amurrio match."

With the father-to-be sent on his way, Paul also flew out to Scotland to watch the international, but in a tetchy match there was little between the two sides. A tight home defence unwilling to give in were only unlocked when Mars Ultor was shot in the area and a penalty was awarded. Jupiter dispatched it and that settled it, keeping Marino on top ahead of Belgium .



Gods 2 Burgos 0 Achilles 4, Zeus 32
Athletic 0 Gods 6 Hercules 8, 21, Prometheus 41, 57, Aphrodite 73, Jupiter 80
Gods 2 Gimnastica Aphrodite 23, 74
Pena Sport 0 Gods 7 Zeus 2, 10, Athene 24, Poisedon 27, Allah 40, Suralles o.gs 65, 76

retired_mad1

lol this is hilarious! Keep it up :thup:

retired_xs2khizar

Dammit BoN, I was trying to eat a salad while reading this and I think I've spat half of it across the keyboard. Fantastic and very funny

retired_confal2

Just caught up with this and read the whole thing. Excellent story, hugely entertaining and very well-written. Great stuff BoN :thup:

I think Jesus did it -gripped by the animal pulsions brought on by his first major alcohol binge, or something