retired_embartl

October

The month began with a routine smashing of Racing B, though this time there was little controversy as most of the God's kept their heads as Jupiter and Zeus with two each spearheaded the challenge. There had also been a return for Mars Ultor who displayed some astonishing meekness ( most likely learned from Jesus ) to play his role in the win, and the Gods were all ready to forgive his little outburst from early on.

The interesting scenario now was on the International scene. With The Elephant God the only remaining player - still injured, the Spanish FA kindly heard Allah's request the match with Burgos be postponed. However of great interest now was with San Marino's fate. Facing Scotland in their opening match, the Gods' found it weird under the control of another manager, but Satan soon ensured they controlled themselves. For some reason Prometheus had managed to have been snapped up by the England U21's side, but the rest were all in place.

In an exciting first half, David Hopkin stunned the hosts with a goal - which only served to rile the Deities, and 10 minutes later David Weir was goaded into a horrifying challenge on Jesus. The same player however simply got up and swept in the resulting free kick as way of admonishing Mr. Weir. Just before half time and Aphrodite made it 2-1, as the tiny country saw victory on the horizon at long last. In the second period, the Devil was up to his usual tricks, inciting Hopkins into punching him, leaving the Scots with 9 men and San Marino free to finish the job off with another from Jesus and one from Yahweh right at the death.

Back in the league, Elephant God made his return from injury against Athletic B, where the win was again secured. Jesus' gravity defying cross found Zeus for the first, before Satan's slippery footwork allowed Atlas to grab his first for the Gods. Having dominated as usual there were further goals for Aphrodite and Zeus again as the visitors left, at least grateful for changing shirts at the end, exchanging the odd pleasantry with Gods who weren't even figureheads of their own religion. Like all opponents, they all left at least with an exceptionally well rounded perspective on life, and no longer feared death whatsoever.

With Manchester United having again tried to bid for Grishnu to replace Mark Bosnich, Paul McGrath got fed up with his old boss and sent in several multimillion pound bids for David Beckham, Roy Keane and Paul Scholes. He didn't particularly want them, but it'd annoy Sir Alex. The side then flew to Gimnastica for their next league fixture and this one was intriguing. Athene seemed to have started the usual route, but the home side came back twice and almost equalised for 3-3, when they enjoyed some pressure as [b]God and Yahweh[/b were having another bloody argument about who started the Universe, whilst Grishnu - nursing one broken arm was having trouble focusing on the game. Hercules came on and helped settle nerves though as the Gods' eventually ran out comfortable winners - but there was much for speculating media to talk about. Had the Gods cracked? Were they really omnipotent? Whatever the answers the Atheists loved it.

Before the end of the month Athene again was the subject of much admiration from other coaches around the world for her virtuoso performances at times, and within days she had overtaken Pamela Anderson in the downloaded pic charts, though she sat out the final match of the month with Pena Sport, watching on as Zeus and Jesus led by example again, even Mohammed received a caution for tripping Cesar and then apologising profusely afterwards.


Gods 6 Racing B 0 Prometheus 10, Jupiter 33, 64, Mars Ultor, 78, 83
Gods 4 Athletic B 0 Zeus 11, 83, Atlas 21, Aphrodite 69
Gimnastica 2 Gods 5 Gaizko 36, Chili 50; Athene 14, 33, Zeus 44, Prometheus 80, Hercules 88
Gods 4 Pena Sport 0 Zeus 17, 76, Aphrodite 38, Jesus 64

retired_embartl

November

With another San Marino match on the horizon, Paul got the team together for a quick thrashing of Amurrio first, a side not to be confused with Amarillo, with more goals thrilling the fans, with God and Mohammed consoling their opponents at the end, and the Greeks and Romans enjoying rubbing it in their faces yet again - for which Poseidon received a yellow card. With the defence not needing to do anything, Satan picked up a yellow card and a verbal warning for lighting up with Buddha in the goal. Both were just zoning out watching the play from afar.

In midweek Burgos were then dispatched as Hercules revelled in replacing Zeus for the evening, with Atlas bursting the net, and killing a fan behind the net, with a late penalty. As usual, God corrected this accidental death, and followed up with a public apology on the PA, in case anyone had been distressed by the incident. Yahweh , the fool, was further cautioned as he continued to find it difficult to control his temper - though it must be conceded that playing next to Satan can be a very trying experience at times.

There was controversy a couple of days later when pictures in Rustler depicted Aphrodite and Athene in very compromising positions, with huge smiles on their faces. When confronted, both admitted to the shoot but insisted there was no harm in bringing joy to the lives of its readership, whilst Satan received an official warning for encouraging the ladies on. All were involved in the success over Barakaldo - with Aphrodite responding to the leering jeers of the opposing fans with another opening goal. God quite belatedly decided to get in on the act when he jumped ten feet high to meet Poseidon's corner. Juan Luis Fuentes dismissal for a verbal tirade against God ( blaming him for all the world's ills ) helped the home side galvanise themselves after the interval as Athene delicately rounded off another easy day at the office.

In midweek San Marino continued their wonderful resurgence, or even just plain surgence for the first time with a convincing victory over Latvia in the qualifiers. The downside was the guilt felt at having injured half the Latvia side. Athene started it, then Latvia equalised, which p*ssed off Mars Ultor especially and it was his raging power thereafter that sent opposition players literally flying out of the stadium. The local hospital was kept busy for the rest of the afternoon, whilst Mars was substituted and sent on an anger management course. God restored the lead with a divine finish, before Achilles ironically back heeled the killer 3rd. The same player made it 4 in stoppage time as San Marino took a commanding position at the top of the qualifying group.

The trip back did tire some of the Gods out, who's listening and ignoring to stupid prayers was taking its toll - so as a result the match with Real Union was fairly subdued, and with no manic temperaments, a result was carved out with two first half goals doing the job. Elephant God smacked an early on in, before Athene sneakily carried the ball with her feet 7 feet off the ground for the second. Appeals were made to the ref, but he had no idea what the rules were on flying and allowed it to continue.

The end of the month saw the top of the table clash with Cultural, but it proved anything but as one sided football prevailed with all the action in the first half. An over competitive Achilles did get a booking, as well as a goal, when he scared the crap out of the defenders when charging into the area, before Aphrodite and Prometheus bumped up the goal tally. Then, the saying "what goes around comes around" bit Satan on the arse as his baiting got the better of a devout Roman Catholic- Jorge, who savagely responded with an almighty kick to the thigh - which actually manage to cause some damage, and with the fork tail between his legs he departed to be replaced by Jesus who shook hands with Jorge, forgiving his reaction.


Amurrio 0 Gods 5 Aphrodite 2, Mohammed 34, Achilles 37, Zeus 61, Mars Ultor 84
Burgos 0 Gods 4 Aphrodite 31, Hercules 32, 45, Atlas pen 81
Gods 3 Barakaldo 0 Aphrodite 34, God 45, Athene 51
Real Union 0 Gods 2 Elephant God 3, Athene 34
Gods 3 Cultural 0 [i] Achilles 7, Aphrodite 23, Prometheus 29 [/i

shannon2007

If you don't win funniest writer this year it's a travesty. With all these gods onside though, should be a cake walk

retired_embartl

cheers for the compliment, may change things though to maintain the interest at some point, we'll have to see

December

The merchandising was in full flow now - the t-shirts were great, all with their own slogans for the respective icons of the religious world – and with one festivity – Christmas on the horizon everyone was getting ready. Everyone was celebrating, the truth had now been known about who did exist and who didn't - and why certain figures weren't there - indeed some pagan worshippers were gutted they couldn’t see any sign of their deities. Satan was proving more popular than first thought - he was a very bubbly character whose zest for life and vices was rather unabashed but he wasn't really that evil - a bit manipulative - but certainly not anywhere near the bad press the evangelicals liked to portray him as. Indeed those evangelicals and other devout followers were having a hard time of it - whilst they didn't need proof anymore of the existence, the abundance of so many had them perplexed, whilst Atheists just watched on with amusement, pleased they could carry on leading their own lives, eradicating their own little worries.

After Achilles helped dispatch Calahorra with ease he even received an ego boost ( completely un necessary ) from McGrath in the press, even if the fans felt it a decent thing to do. Against a clearly concerned Eibar B side, there was slight controversy as having been felled in the area Achilles picked himself up expecting a penalty. However it didn't arrive and despite already being 5-0 up - thanks largely to a superb, well taken hat-trick from Mohammed - the striker went absolutely crackers with rage at the injustice - and Zeus had to remind him he wasn't allowed to crush the ref to the ground despite intense frustration. Instead he took it out on the advertising hoardings, ripping them up and chucking them out of the atmosphere into space where it can now be seen in orbit around the Planet Squibble. The only problem was another lethargic display from Elephant God who astonishingly was drawing criticism from some indignant Hindu's who believed he was an imposter -an accusation that hurt EG.

Beasain were the next to tackle the omnipotent folk, and they certainly gave it a good battle for the Gods, though they were unlucky to lose defender Inigo Ros to injury when he challenged Jupiter to a high ball, with the Roman deity accidentally catching him with a flying harm, the strength of which knocked him out cold. Four minutes later Atlas scored and it was business as usual. Another for Zeus before half time, a real sizzler of a thunderbolt leaving the keeper with no chance. However it wasn't quite dead as halfway through the second half, the hosts got a foot in the door with a penalty. Satan had conceded a corner for no other reason than he thought it would be fun, and then when the ball came across Yahweh jumped up and punched the ball away. When the ref realised he wasn't the keeper, the penalty was awarded and converted whilst the God was booked for cheating. Frankly he was lucky not to be sent off. It took until the final minute before Aphrodite finally sealed the tie.

On Christmas Eve Bayern Munich made a decent bid for God but the Christian deity scoffed at it, saying at he was still p*ssed at Germany because of the Nazi's. It was all good news as the following morning Jesus relaxed and downed the vino tinto a plenty to celebrate his birthday with the mother of all parties - Gods' having a blast greco-roman style, and for Satan it was a fantastic night. Two ladies of ill repute, a bottle of JD and a bong session with Buddha sealed a great evening all around. Allah and Mohammed were serenely sober though overseeing the whole affair, whilst Prometheus was the only one to yet again go too far. He went off stealing some fireworks for the evening kabang and Zeus duly punished him with a crow plucking out his liver for ever and ever, until Jesus interjected with his “forgiveness crap” speech, and he was let off with a 3 week internal suspension and a thunderbolt to the shoulder. However with no matches for the rest of the year, there was plenty of time to recover from the mother of all hangovers.


Calahorra 0 Gods 3 Achilles 4, 11, Hercules 16
Gods 5 Eibar 0 Mohammed, 1, 19, 36, Athene 6, Hercules 15
Beasain 1 Gods 3 Sukia 61 pen; Atlas 24, Zeus 41, Aphrodite 90

retired_mika318

Elephant God sounds alot like the Hindu God Ganesha :p

Good to see you putting your RE GCSE to 'good' use there Brian

retired_embartl

Erm, I'm sorry - it is quite categorically The Elephant God. Ganesha failed the trials

Paxman and the Gods

In a new series, Jeremy Paxman will be conducting a series of bi monthly interviews with some of the Gods from the All Star Deities football team from Spain

JP: Good evening viewers. Now we have some accountability and some fact finding ahead of us in the coming shows, these specials brought to your screens since the Gods belatedly decided to show up on this war torn screwed up country they supposedly claim to lord over. First to be crucified – again – is Jesus, a man with a great deal of explaining to do, and here is the so called Son of God: welcome Jesus!

JC: Good evening Jeremy. You’re looking very nice tonight.

JP: We’ll see about that! Now I am a direct man, everyone knows that so let’s start with the tough ones. Where have you been for the last 1970 odd years?

JC: It’s funny, you know, a lot of people do ask me this question.

JP: Answer it now dammit!

JC: Ooh er, aren’t we Mr. Angry. Well I am everywhere. God and myself have just shared the duties amongst the Christians.

JP: Every where? Ok – where were you during the crusades and the persecutions eh? Millions dead, and wars fought on your behalf! Other groups isolated and ostracised simply for not believing in YOU! Explain that! You can’t can you? It’s a disgrace and you’re a DISGRACE.

JC: Well if you’ll let me explain, we believe in free will -

JP: Hardly – some of your followers seem to get so outraged they almost turn to violence as soon as anyone in the slightest bit offends them! What about that Jerry Springer Opera. It’s all nonsense – kids have no free will especially in America where they grow up believing in such great tenets as homophobia and sexism… some religion don’t you think Jesus!

JC: Well it really is all down to interpretation – I mean evidently those folk have a screw loose or two. They’re only a minority – a vocal minority but all the same they aren’t the spirit of Christianity…

JP: Ok, so let’s take this further. Even if numerically these bigoted homophobic intolerant swines are the minority, you must agree that their influence is obscene – take that Pope and the Vatican and all that money. People take his word as gospel. Is it? IS IT?

JC: Er, no.

JP: So he’s a manipulative fraud.

JC: If you say so Jeremy, but frankly whilst I do find it embarrassing that he’s allowed so much influence, people must remember - that it is St. Peter who determines who goes in! Rational thinking Christians shouldn't worry. Ratzinger's f*cked to be honest.

JP: Well thank you for clearing that up for us Jesus, but let's take a look at the Israeli-Palestinian conflict come on! Israel or Palestine?

JC: Well you can't re-

JP: Israel or Palestine?

JC: It's a delicate iss-

JP: Israel or Palestine?

JC: You won't be getting a straight answer from me Jeremy...

JP: So you're comparing yourself to Michael Howard - is that what you're saying?

JC: F*ck no - I'm not stupid - sorry Michael! - but in all conflicts like this there is no one way or ....

JP: Israel or Palestine?

JC: f*ck off.

JP: Well if that's all you can come up with we'll leave it there. Next editio Allah, and his role in International Terrorism.

retired_lela2424

Thought about Michael Jackson, god of Paedophilia?

retired_embartl

that's for another story :p and innocent until guilty eh?

--

After another party for the new year was celebrated, the deities were back in the thick of it facing Binefar, the only side they hadn't faced yet. A tough match was only decided by two second half goals from the powerful Jupiter set up by Mohammed but the match was sullied by an evangelical in the crowd shooting the Islamic prophet in the neck - but clearly it wasn't that serious - Mohammed would take a two week break.

However all the fuss had been about the pictures in tabloids around Europe following the various parties over the break with depictions of God snogging Hercules squarely on the lips, both with cheeks reddened by wine. It completely outraged the extremist community - many who abandoned their faith and shot themselves out of despair at this homosexual act. The rest of the world rejoiced at the welcome liberalisation of a ridiculous taboo. Allah and Yahweh came out with credit, whilst peace loving Buddhists were a little concerned by the "wacked out" expression on their idol's face. There was little surprise about Zeus and Jupiter jousting over who had the biggest idol - whilst there was certainly concern Mars Ultor had called Mohammed a "monkeyman" for not enjoying the party. Of delight though were further gratuitous shots of Athene and Aphrodite in semi recumbent postures and far less than semi clothed states.

Back against Aurrera there was a funny sight in the second half as a frustrated visiting defender decided to square up to Zeus eye to eye, but he only lasted 2 seconds crumbling under the piercing gaze of a man who seemed to be preparing another lightening strike - it had been a debate over the awarding of a penalty that Poisedon had converted. However before that Zeus had already smashed a hat-trick, and Allah had calmly slotted in another before Jupiter finished off the punishment to mark the side's 20th win of the season.

After a break, it was off to Zaragoza B for the next match, and it really was the Greek show with all the goals coming from that direction. Aphrodite bagged an early effort, whilst Achilles then notched two in swift succession sandwiching a Zeus effort. With the home side crushed, the players eased off, with Zeus nicking another later on. It did hide underneath a fine display from Allah ever ready to do the hard work, providing the outlets for the showmen to appreciate.

The goal scoring form continued with another big one to the delight of the ever growing crowds, where the scorers were again the same just in different proportions. This time Achilles and Zeus settled for just the one each, whilst Aphrodite revelled in his hole scoring a hat-trick - which earnt him the match ball and a kiss from Athene . The fans walked back to their cars like a tripod.


Gods 2 Binefar 0 Jupiter 56, 78
[b] Gods 6 Aurrera 0 Zeus 38, 46, 62, Allah 54, Poisedon 68
Zaragoza 0 Gods 5 Aphrodite 2, Achilles 11, 17, Zeus 14, 58
Gods 5 Osasuna B 0 Zeus 13, Achilles 27, Aphrodite 39, 55, 72

retired_embartl

February 2001

The first match of this month brought a very wasteful effort in front of goal as both Hercules and Jupiter combined to fire 17 shots on a hapless Gernika keeper, yet only one was on target - fortunately it was a 400mph shot from Hercules who in his frustration accidentally engaged his super powers, sending the ball into Romania. With the ballboys point blank refusing to get it, Athene, huffed, flew over herself to bring it back - without anyone telling her there was a spare already there. Today was one of those days. Elsewhere Mars Ultor's anger management took a blip when Cefe attempted to tackle him, and he instinctively turned him into ashes. Unable to reverse it immediately he was cautioned and ordered to sweep up the ashes and sort out the mess quickly.

After the Islamic show against Tropezon , which caused a bit of banter in the bars - which incidentally had far more of a religious tone to it than previously - with [b Allah [/b] and his prophet Mohammed scoring the winners it was back into international mode for another San Marino qualifier. This time away to Belgium they'd actually face a stiff test of their abilities. In an thoroughly engaging and tense encounter, they did just about edge the match, but only thanks to a late debut goal from sub Zeus . Early on Belgium had taken the lead after Jesus conceded a penalty - with the fans wanting to crucify the defender for such a lax error, before Mohammed equalised in the first half to top the table. On the down side, Elephant God had picked up another injury - this time over stretching for a ball, combined with pins and needles.

The Gods continued to pee all over the league, with Alaves B unable to cope with the competitive spirit of Immortals in their 5-0 mauling, and unable to stop staring at [b] Athene who bizarrely seemed to be pregnant - or had eaten all the pies. This was the controversy that gripped football papers worldwide, the player - who had also set up Hercules for his 10th of the season, also the club's 101st too. At the club's training break at Olympus, Paul McGrath was holding an inquiry.

" Right then lads! You're doing exceptionally well. Ok you're Gods I suppose you expect it but 25 wins out of 25 and 101 goals, just 5 conceded - I think we can say we're getting promoted this year. Now, you all know how to conduct yourselves... " He paused, looking round at all the waiting faces. " But which one of you has shagged Athene?" There were a few sniggers but no voices just yet.

" Listen lads, she's not here now, neither's Aphrodite. Now we know they're close, but Aphrodite doesn't have a penis. So I'll ask again how in blue boll*cks is she pregnant? You know she won't be able to play later on yeah? Satan was it you?"

"why are you always looking at me when something's happened? It's always 'must have been Satan'! You judgemental bastard!"

"Well was it you?"

"As it happened it wasn't ok? Trust me!"

"Easier said than done to be honest. Ok anyone else? Zeus?"

"Don't be disgusting! She's family for chrissake! So are the others in some form or another so it were none of the Greeks Paul!" Zeus exclaimed outrageously.

"Ok - then let's see, Buddha, I doubt it---"

"Eh? Someone say my name?" Buddha looked up confused as usual.

"No, no don't worry.Ok the Romans?"

"Not me boss." Jupiter replied.

" Right ok then er -"

"ok ok listen I'm sorry ok. It was me." All the voices turned to the guilty party - and stared in disbelief.

"Right! Well, that's er interesting. Well - take a few games off to think about it. Come on lads."

With news of this conversation leaked to the media bookmakers were taking odds on who the culprits were with the average betting guides resembling something like this on who the father was:

God fav ( immaculate conception ) @ 5/2
Jesus 2nd @ 6/1
Grishnu joint third @ 7/1
Satan joint third @ 7/1 ( believed to be lying )
Mohammed @10/1
Allah @ 11/1
Elephant Man @ 12/1 ( destiny )
Mars Ultor @ 25/1 (surprise sex)
Buddha @ 100/1



Gernike 0 Gods 3 Hercules 40, Mohammed 63, Jupiter 87
Gods 2 Tropezon 0 Allah 23, Mohammed 60
Alavez B Gods 5 Jupiter 12, Prometheus 43, Athene 48, 59, Hercules 76

retired_embartl

oh and bets will be taken until tomorrow evening. The winner will receive er, erm, a small cameo part later in the story :thup: