retired_body_break

PREMIER LEAGUE WEEK TWELVE

CHELSEA WIN AGAIN- WHAT'S THAT, YOU'RE WATCHING THE ASHES?

Chelsea 2-0 Aston Villa

Chelsea took a strong four point lead at the top of the table with another win over a highly defensive Villa side. Lampard's corner was turned in by John Terry, before Lampard himself added a second. Liverpool's victory by 2-1 over Arsenal gave Chelsea a big advantage in the pursuit of the championship. In other matches, Man Utd got back on winning ways with a 2-0 win against West Brom, Sunderland beat Blackburn by a single goal to nil, Man City beat Boro by 3-1, Everton failed to take advantage of a weakened Tottenham side to lose 0-1 and Birmingham and Fulham played out a 1-1 draw.

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Gallas, Del Horno; Lampard, Essien, J Cole (Huth); Robben, Duff (Wright-Phillips); Crespo (C Cole).

ASTON VILLA (4-5-1): Sorenson, Sun (Hughes), Delaney, Mellberg, Samuel; Solano, Hendrie, Moore (Agbonlahor), McCann (Whittingham), Barry; Zurawski.

retired_body_break

CHELSEA EARN BIGGEST EVER TRANSFER BUDGET BOOST

Obviously taking to their new manager, a strong financial situation no doubt down to Mr. Abramovich giving Sibneft a much happier, more friendly image by painting a pink bunny on their assassination van, has lead to an increase in Chelsea's transfer budget. Shanyi, who has thus far spent just under £2m on new players, just received the following message.

"The board are pleased to announce that as a result of an improvement in the club's financial position, they have raised your current transfer budget by £185m to £584m."

"Cancel World Debt" Protesters everywhere are quietly sobbing.

retired_body_break

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE RESULTS

JUVE DEFEATED BY DUFF INGENUITY

Juventus 0-1 Chelsea

While Chelsea are undeniably capable of acts and moves of great beauty and precision, they proved tonight that robbery is not beneath them. Juventus, clearly eager to overturn the three points Chelsea gained in their last encounter and with this their last feisable chance to secure the top spot in the league, pummelled Chelsea's goal from beginning to end. Everyone from Camoranesi to Vieri and Buffon to Zlatan took their chance at Chelsea's goal, but the solidity of Chelsea's defence is positively Trojan, and Juve couldn't find the wood to build their horse. Nedved struck the post twice, Cech made three unbelievable saves from Zlatan and Trezeguet at close range and Vieira's towering presence was enough to cause Gallas a few problems. But discipline and timing won out and on a quick counter attack, Drogba's power held off his marker, Joe Cole fed the ball to Duff who rounded the keeper and scored with one of only three Chelsea shots on goal all night. Even when reduced to ten men by Joe Cole's injury, Juve found no cracks in Shanyi's revised tactics. As Chelsea qualified comfortably for the next round, even teams such as Barcelona and Milan must have been wondering what it will take to defeat, or even score against, this formidable unit.

JUVENTUS (4-3-3): Buffon, Zebina, Thuram, Cannavaro, Zambrotta; Camoranesi (Olivera), Vieira, Emerson; Zlatan (Miccoli), Trezeguet, Nedved (Del Piero).

CHELSEA (4-1-4-1): Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Gallas, Del Horno; Makelele (Huth); J Cole, Lampard (Robben), Essien, Duff; Drogba (Crespo).

retired_body_break

CHELSEA MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SHANYI

Here at Chelsea magazine, we pride ourselves on our ability to get the best news and interviews for our fans. We also pride ourselves on the fact that the editor is under Stalin-like juristiction from a certain wonderful and unimposing oligarch we all know and love, but that's besides the point (if it wasn't besides the point, all our families would be thrown into the gulag). We have an exclusive interview with Chelsea's controversial new manager Shanyi, who was appointed just after Jose Mourinho had come off a phenomenal year of success, despite not having any credentials. We asked him the hardest, most probing and downright devastating questions.

Chelsea Mag- Why are you so great?

Shanyi- Erm...

[/B]CM- Alright, we'll try something else. You were appointed with no credentials following an extremely popular manager. Can you give us any insight into how this happened?[/B]

S- Well, I was sitting in my drawing room playing a popular game called Football Manager and I decided I wanted to manage Chelsea. So I click on the 'new user' button, fill out the requisite form and click 'OK' and suddenly, I'm being announced as the new Chelsea boss.

CM- Rumour has it you have 'unhygenic' photos of our illustrious leader, the great Abramovich.

S- That's rubbish, spread by tabloids and critics who wish me some harm. Tabloids who incidentally were oddly willing to pay me £1,000,000 for this big brown envelope I have right here. Isn't that strange, Mr. Abramovich? Or should I say 'Lady Godiva-ski'?

CM- Moving on, there has been dissent among the ranks recently in your squad. Geremi, Glen Johnson and Didier Drogba have all objected to not being first choice picks for your starting XI on a regular basis. How do you deal with these issues?

S- I think it is very important, first and foremost, to keep a squad which is willing to work hard for the team, and has to work hard to get in the team. In this respect, I am happy that Didier and Geremi are sad at not being first picks. Didier I reprimanded because he made his comments through the media and this outburst gives a bad impression of him and of our club. He will now have to work harder to get in the team, especially with Carlton Cole taking his chance so well while Didi and Eidur were injured. Glen Johnson, I feel, is a fine young player who has not played as often as he would like and he made a rash decision because of his youth. He will end the season with Chelsea, then we will see. There are many areas of his game that require improvement because he is young, and Paulo Ferreira offers me just what I am looking for at the moment. I think it would be patronising and damaging to these players to throw them into the team just because they ask.

CM- Care to elaborate?

S- Even though I rotate when players are tired or when I feel a different option is needed and a new player can bring a different style of play, I try and keep my starting XI the same whenever possible. This means, for a player, playing in that XI is the ultimate honour, the ultimate goal. However, it is important that every player knows he has the ability, or will be given the chance, to prove himself worthy of achieving that goal. Look at Joe Cole. At the beginning of the season, my central midfield was Lampard, Makelele and Essien. I gave Joe the chance when Maka was tired with Michael pushed inside to the defensive blockade role, and he showed me he can work within the team and give me more options than I had before. Maka played very well and has a big role to play for this team, as he did against Juventus, but for now my naturally considered starting XI does not feature him. Obviously, I make changes depending on the situation. Juve were going to push forward, so Michael and Maka give John and William stronger cover than Michael and Joe. I think this sends a good message to all our players. For the first XI, they know they are important, but have to keep playing to that standard if they are to keep their place. For the squad players, they understand they have areas to improve in their game, but they will get the chance to prove themselves. Carlton Cole was fantastic against Arsenal, Robert Huth made some mistakes but was great the second half. Joe Keenan came on against Blackburn and was crucial in one of the goals and almost scored again. They understand that though they are not ready for the first team yet, they are certainly in my considerations for each squad and will have chances in the future to prove themselves. But there are many other good youngsters I want to try out, like Anthony Grant, Mikel John Obi and Kerlon. Keenan, Carlton and Robert must keep working hard to make sure they are not displaced in my thoughts by other ambitious young players.

CM- You mentioned the win over Arsenal, a particularly impressive moment...

S- My finest.

CM- Can you mention your approach to tactics, how you prepare for each opponent?

S- Firstly, I think the most important thing is to have options. A 4-4-2 is a traditional English formation, but it leaves gaps between defence and midfield, midfield and attack, defence and attack. In my tactic, every 'line' of the field is covered when we are defending or pushing foward. We rarely need to resort to long passing because there are always link players, Robben and Duff on the wings, Essien holding back between defence and midfield moving the ball around. This means we see a lot more of the ball than teams playing on the usual three lines. If we tackle an opponent, we have someone to get the ball. If we lose the ball, there is someone close to win it back. Players also are given several roles to fulfill, but responsibility is shared so no-one has to do so much work as to never be tired. Robben and Duff are both wingers and attackers cutting inside, but there are two of them so the load is shared. Behind them, Ferreira and Del Horno do not go so far forward, never pass the midfield, but they have to provide the cover. In midfield, Frank and Joe spread the play but are covered by Maka. My striker, depending on the situation, might need Didi's strength to create room and unsettle people or Hernan's positioning or Eidur's ability to shift the play around, but they do less running. That is Robben and Duff's job. These things are simple, but have to be worked out first so that there is balance in the team and no-one is the focal point. If that happens, you can be compromised.

CM- How about your stingy defence?

S- Well, that's mainly down to my excellent players. Paulo, John, William, Asier and Michael are probably the best defence any manager could ask for. But again, it's simply a matter of doing the simple things right. Many people like to have their wing-backs flying forward. I don't, it leaves a big hole to exploit. I keep them behind the winger, so he has the option to pass infield to the central midfielder, since the three midfielders spread across the pitch easily without leaving gaps, or pass back to the full back and go on a run, allowing the full back to either cross from deep or play a pass, opening more options. If the pass goes astray, my full back is not so far forward he cannot recover. John and William stay back under every circumstance except corners and in attacks, but William has good pace so he is allowed to go in between John and Michael to force a player into a quick move, which John can tidy up or intercept. If it goes wrong, William is not far enough forward to leave a hole. Michael acts as a full back would. He hangs back just behind Frank and Joe, giving them options and, if there's a break, he can stop the play without too much running. You will also see my strikers closing down and tackling often the opposition defence. This helps us because defensive players are usually not so good at passing under pressure, so it creates problems and ill-judgement in the opposition.

CM- Do you have an inspiration for your management style?

S- Yes. I use an old Japanese book called the Hagakure, which encourages great discipline in order to better yourself, an understanding that nothing is impossible. Most of my management ideas are based within the philosophies of that book.

CM- There are many rumours that you are judging several first team players to see if they are up to the required standard. Is that true?

S- What I will say is that I do eventually want to build my own squad. I am not Mourinho, I do not use this team the way he did and several players were bought for his style of play. But every player is under judgement, in training to the moment he steps out on the field. Few have let me down so far, but there will always be youngsters ready to emerge, players on the market who offer something new and are more readily adaptable to my strategies. But any player can play for me, he just has to prove it to me and, most importantly, to himself.

CM- Transfer rumour time now. Chris Cohen, Mark Noble, Leo Messi, Adriano have all been linked with the club. Any comment?

S- None. I am working with the squad I have. When changes need to happen, they happen. Many people were surprised that I only signed two young players this summer, but I do not buy people to please the media. I buy players because they are or will be needed.

CM- Which do you value more, age or experience?

S- Balance. You need the energy of youth and the experience to channel that energy. I am lucky that many of my players are young and already have terrific experience.

CM- Finally, what are your expectations for the season?

S- I hope, and want, to win everything. But to do so will take a great deal of mental and physical strength and so far, we have only just begun.

CM- Thank you.

retired_body_break

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE WEEK THIRTEEN

PORTSMOUTH HIT FOR SIX BY RAMPANT RUUD

Man Utd 6-0 Portsmouth

Although their start to the season has been marred by injuries, international duty and several shock results, Manchester United pulled themselves together at the expense of Portsmouth, who were on the receiving end of a Ruud van Nistelrooy inspired battering. Portsmouth started brightly, with Aleksandar Rodic testing van der Sar with a well struck volley and Viafara heading over from outside the area, but after twenty minutes Darren Fletcher slammed home the rebound from a van Nistelrooy shot which had been poorly parried by James Ashdown. Van Nistelrooy then added one of his own, a trademark finish from inside the six yard box from Giggs' cross, before Ferdinand made it three heading into the half. Lomano Tresor Lua-Lua came on for the ineffective Luke Brookes to try and turn the game, but Alan Smith hit a cracker from outside the area which left the away fans stunned. Van Nistelrooy headed home the fifth and minutes before the end, with several Portsmouth fans already making their way towards the exits, a pass from Scholes to substitute Ji-Sung Park was turned into the net by Aliou Cisse.

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson said after the game, "Ach eeie noo aye me Keano 'n' is no wee jings. Football, blahdy heil." Translators on hand explained that Sir Alex was pleased to see his side finally show their full potential, even with Rooney still suffering from an injury, and he hoped that they would be able to catch up to current leaders Chelsea in the title race.

Man Utd (4-5-1): van der Sar, G Neville, Ferdinand, Heinze (Silvestre), O'Shea; Fletcher (Keane), Scholes, Ronaldo (Park), Smith, Giggs; van Nistelrooy.

Portsmouth (4-5-1): Ashdown, Griffin (Cisse), Primus, Stefanovic, Taylor; Brookes (Lua Lua), Viafara, Mezague, O'Neil, Robert; Rodic (Day).

OTHER SCORES
(2nd) Liverpool 2-1 Birmingham (12th)
(10th) Tottenham 2-2 Sunderland (11th)
(19th) West Ham 1-1 Man City (16th)
(18th) Wigan 1-3 Charlton (7th)

---
SUNDAY GAMES

BRAVE FULHAM DENIED BY BARRY

Fulham 1-2 Chelsea

Although Chelsea somehow emerged with the full three points, it was Fulham who emerged with the credit yesterday. Shanyi was infuriated on the touchline, jumping up and down like a hyperactive chimpanzee eating a speed laden banana. Although Chelsea enjoyed plenty of chances and were denied by the outstanding Tony Warner in Fulham's goal, it was the home side who were the busiest, taking risks and potentially showing the way forward for any prospective sides who might already have abandoned hope from taking anything away from any prospective encounters with the Blues.

Sylvain Legwinski's free kick was the first danger, soaring over the wall and dipping viciously, if just wide, while Cech looked on in astonishment. Boa Morte had a looping cross-goal drive saved with astonishing dexterity by the Czech goalkeeper, after Paulo Ferreira had been beaten by his neat interplay with Niclas Jensen. At the other end, Lampard struck a long range effort into Warner's stinging palms before Robben set up Crespo for an emphatic finish, the Argentine's seventh of the season, keeping him ahead of big grumpy bear Didier Drogba in the Blues' pecking order.

Fulham, though, kept pushing and mustered an equaliser before the break, new signing David Clarkson producing a terrific finish after sneaking past the distracted John Terry. Malbranque went close again soon after. Chelsea improved with the introduction of Gudjohnsen and Drogba, the former's eye for passing and changing the play neatly offsetting the grumpy Ivorian's formidable frame. Gudjohnsen curled an effort over the bar, Drogba headed wide after beating Warner and Essien miscued from twenty yards as a draw seemed ever more likely. It was Shaun Wright-Phillips, collecting a pass from Lampard, who sunk Fulham in the 84th minute with a low drive at the far post, a tidy move which saw Zat Knight make his first mistake of the day. But Fulham fans seemed to have been given an adrenaline shot to the heart when Heidar Helguson snuck away from Gallas and, from Boa Morte's precise cross, headed into the far post, despite Cech clawing to keep it out. Craven Cottage went ballistic until the fans noticed a certain fluorescent flag had been raised, unjustly, by the touchline. From then on, the result took on a certain degree of morbid inevitability: Legwinski struck a beautiful shot towards the bottom left hand corner of the beaten Cech's goal, but John Terry deflected it away. Gudjohnsen even broke forward to add insult to injury, but his cross missed Duff who would have had an easy chance to slot home. For all of Roman Abramovich's expensive acquisitions, even he will appreciate that the only thing that Chelsea will ever find truly priceless, is luck.

FULHAM (4-4-2): Warner, Volz, Knight, Goma, Jensen; Malbranque, Bouba Diop (Pembridge), Legwinski, Boa Morte; Radzinski (John), Clarkson (Helguson).

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Gallas, Del Horno; Lampard, Makelele (Gudjohnsen), Essien; Robben (Wright-Phillips), Duff; Crespo (Drogba).

OTHER SCORES

(11TH) Blackburn 3-1 Bolton (16th)
(5th) Aston Villa 3-0 Everton (15th)
(14th) Middlesbrough 2-0 West Brom (8th)
(9th) Newcastle 0-3 Arsenal (3rd)

retired_body_break

CHELSEA REVEAL COLE INJURY

Chelsea manager Shanyi has revealed in his post match press conference that midfielder Joe Cole sustained an injury in the pre-match buildup which will rule the England international out for upwards of a month. This journalist has in fact discovered that Cole's injury was sustained on the team bus when, upon hearing the much loath'd screechings of popular band *N Sync, there was such a scramble to change station (Wayne Bridge said he didn't want to listen to Britney, but he did) that Cole was caught up in the crowd and his leg 'mushed to a mildly discoloured gooey paste'. Physio Mike Banks, luckily, had the quick thinking to run said injury under a cold tap.

retired_body_break

ENGLISH LEAGUE CUP

CHELSEA YOUNGSTERS INCREASE PORTSMOUTH'S WEEK OF HUMILIATION

Chelsea 5-0 Portsmouth

Portsmouth coach Velimir Zajec vowed after the 6-0 loss at Old Trafford that the club's fans would never again have to sit through such an abject display. He was right- Portsmouth only got worse against a Chelsea side packed full of squad players and inexperienced youngsters, whose determination completely overwhelmed Portsmouth's lack of energy or, in the case of Laurent Robert, complete disdain at having been chosen for such an inconsequential match. Ten minutes in, Tiago Mendes struck Chelsea in front from a corner by Frank Lampard, after Mikel John Obi's header had been clawed over the crossbar by Jamie Ashdown, who had another shameful afternoon. Carlton Cole then added a second as Gudjohnsen moved out wide and played a direct pass beyond the dreadful Linvoy Primus. Cole's third was also Primus' fault, as he allowed the Blues striker to run free as he tried and failed to attend to John Obi's well timed charge, before noticing that Cole had already firmly headed the ball into the back of the net. In the second half, things didn't improve despite Chelsea removing three of their senior players, with Bridge, Terry and Lampard being replaced by Carvalho and debutants Jonas Elmer and Kerlon, the Brazilian who, despite showing several excellent touches, also proved that Shanyi was right to hold him back from first team action as he drifted in and out of the game. Craig Short scored an old goal under pressure from Cole and finally, Robert Huth hit an excellent volley from inside the area from Obi's short cross to put the final nail into the coffin of Portsmouth's dignity.

CHELSEA (4-3-3): Cudicini, Johnson, Terry (Carvalho), Huth, Bridge (Elmer); Lampard (Kerlon), Diarra, Tiago; Obi, C Cole, Gudjohnsen.

PORTSMOUTH (4-4-1-1): Ashdown, Primus, Short (Griffin), Stefanovic, Vongas (Karadas); O'Neil, Viafara, Mezague, Robert; Fordyce, Mbesuma (Lua Lua)

retired_body_break

CARLTON COLE THANKS MANAGER AFTER EARNING FIRST CAP

Chelsea striker Carlton Cole gave thanks to his manager Shanyi after coming on as substitute to earn his first England cap against Finland. It took 88 minutes for Michael Owen to strike England to a 1-0 win, but the side was weakened by Shanyi's highly controversial withdrawls of Frank Lampard and John Terry. Shanyi, who said that his key players needed a rest, has caused another reprisal of the debate about the value of international friendlies. Cole, clearly disagrees.

"It was a great honour to represent my country" the striker said, "The manager has given me an opportunity back at Chelsea and I owe him a lot. I've scored a few goals there, and I hope I can go on to do so for England."

"Carlton is a good young player with a great attitude" Shanyi said, "He knew at the beginning of the season he'd be a backup but he worked hard and took the chances I gave him. He was key in our games against Portsmouth and Arsenal in the league cup, and scoring five goals already is a great record for any striker. He knows he has work to do before he can be my first choice striker, but this is a great reward for his hard work." When pressed about his decision to withdraw Lampard and Terry from the England squad, Shanyi was unrepentant. "They have played every game for me so far this season and are tired. I am not going to compromise my players for a friendly. Mr. Eriksson will understand, Frank and John wanted to go but I would not let them."

retired_liliallen

who said money doesn't buy you love?

retired_body_break

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE WEEK FOURTEEN

DUFF HUMBLES UNAMBITIOUS LIVERPOOL'S TITLE PRETENTIONS

Chelsea 3-0 Liverpool

Damien Duff produced the performance of the season as he swept aside Liverpool's hopes for the title with unnerving ease. Liverpool were pathetically defensive despite only missing centre back Sami Hyypia. Jose Reina was to thank with several key early saves, parrying Duff's low early drive as he and Del Horno took full advantage of Liverpool's tight formation. Lampard had a free kick turned over the crossbar and Didier Drogba, recalled to the side for his strength against Carragher and the inexperienced Whitbread, had a short range volley deflected past the keeper but just over. Drogba was the instigator of the first goal, picking up a through ball from Duff, lifting the ball over Finnan and to Essien, who headed in at the near post. Liverpool had no response, but Chelsea doubled their lead just before the half, Lampard's in swinging free kick humiliating Reina, who let the ball slip through his hands. Second half, Essien and Lampard hung back and played simple passes, but still crafted chances for Robben and Drogba, who scored a volley after sixty two minutes. Gonzales and Luis Garcia should have scored late on when Chelsea relaxed, Gonzales firing miles over when set up by Gerrard, who had been superbly marshalled by Essien and Makelele all day, and Garcia set up from two yards out by Djibril Cisse, but he struck the post.

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Gallas, Del Horno; Lampard (Gudjohnsen), Makelele, Essien; Robben, Duff (Wright-Phillips); Drogba (Crespo).

LIVERPOOL (4-2-3-1): Reina, Finnan, Carragher, Whitbread, Riise; Alonso (Hamann), Gerrard; Sinama-Pongolle (Gonzales), Garcia, Kewell; Cisse (Crouch).

OTHER SCORES
(3rd) Arsenal 5-0 Wigan (18th)
(11th) Birmingham 1-1 Newcastle (9th)
(15th) Bolton 3-2 Tottenham (13th)
(7th) Charlton 1-3 Man Utd (4th)
(12th) Everton 2-1 Fulham (6th)
(17th) Man City 1-1 Blackburn (10th)

TOP OF THE TABLE

1. Chelsea (P14, GD 32, Pts 38)
2. Liverpool (P14, GD 12, Pts 31)
3. Arsenal (P14, GD 20, Pts 30)
4. Man Utd (P14, GD 16, Pts 27)
5. Aston V (P13, GD 9, Pts 23)