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A few months ago I suffered a fit of rage and smashed my FM 05 disc. Today I purchased a new copy and am now ready to play on.
I wanted a change from Sutton, however I still wanted to remain in the non-league. I decided to follow in someone else’s footsteps.
I am following Faramir’s Harrow Hill story. He had the task of building a team from scratch. I admit without shame, that I decided to copy his idea. However I have a real life case I can take inspiration from.
For about two years Hornchurch were aided by a Sugar Daddy. He funded them into the FCS and turned them into a force to be reckoned with. However early in the season the bubble burst, the Sugar Daddy went bankrupt, Hornchurch lost the ability to keep their players. Their demise allowed Grays to run away with the title.
EVENTUALLY HORNCHURCH WENT BUST, A LOT OF RIVAL FANS SNIGGERED GLEEFULLY AT THEIR DEMISE!
Fortunately my story takes place in a parallel universe. The Chairman’s refrigeration and Upholstery business goes up in smoke before the season starts. All the players leave, the staff follow them out.
A new Chairman is appointed a virtual nonentity. He brings with him a new manager, a man who is very experienced at not being very experienced at particularly anything. Well anything useful anyway.
So what was it that Gary Calder saw in me? Cruel people gossiped relentlessly, I was his lovechild, he owed me money, I owed him money and he wanted a scapegoat. Some people even suggested that we were lovers, absurd!. I am not gay or particularly attractive to gays, anyway Calder already had a boyfriend, a Spanish guy called Carlos, who ran a Brothel in the Costa Del Sol.
That is how Mr Calder was able to keep the club afloat. When Carthium went bust, no more money came in, all the players and staff were released. What an awful thing to happen so soon before the beginning of the season. Serves Hornchurch right for taking money from a double glazing firm!
Fate bailed Hornchurch out though. Calder needed to get away from all the backbiting and hatred, he took a holiday in Spain.
Calder has needs. He is a red blooded homosexual, a depressed homosexual who felt empty inside. However his emptiness would be filled nicely by Carlos, soon to be his bed friend and business partner.
They met at a bar called Los Magrita. A few beers and fumbled groping's later they had become well acquainted and hatched a business plan.
Carlos was well known in the Costa Del Sol, especially within the Gay community. The resort has a big tourist industry, with all the vices that brings. However Carlos and Gary instantly spotted a niche in the market. Gay visitors were not catered for!
Gary soon changed that, he provided the money and worked out the overheads, Carlos provided in depth knowledge of the clientele and a certain flair for self-publicity. An excellent partnership was formed, The Costa had its first Gay Brothel.
The money provided was enough to keep Hornchurch afloat. However the club still needed a Manager and players. This is where I come in.
I was appointed for the strangest of reasons, during a night of drunken passion, Gary and Carlos were discussing the appointment of a new manager. Carlos suggested that any donkey can run a football team. Gary took him up on this and picked out a name at random from the Phone Book.
Hornchurch is a pretty small place. Its stadium is situated in nearby Upminster. The town doesn’t really have a big enough fanbase to pull in the crowds, however since becoming successful the fans have appeared out of the woodwork.
Whoever named the ground won no awards for originality. It is merely called “ The Stadium”. The training grounds are similarly unimpressive, good for this level but still not all that great. At least I get a nice well-furnished office.
The playing staff is nonexistent, It’ll be up to me to build the squad from the ground up. We do have a coaching staff, they are useless however. It is over them that I have my first disagreement with Calder.
I call in Simon Price and Adam Gallagher. I inform them that their services are no longer required, They are understandably upset by this and take the matter to the chairman. He has a fit and cancels my instructions, apparently their dismissal would cost far too much money.
I am annoyed at being countermanded, those two individuals are deadwood and will play no part at the club, they will just sit on their asses and collect a paycheck!
I quickly build up the rest of my staff. I quickly bring in Jon Cockerill as my assistant. Peter Beardsley joins him as a coach. John Laidlow and Ian John serve as scouts. It isn’t the biggest of coaching teams but it’ll have to do. Hopefully Peter’s English has improved since the last time I saw him on National TV!
I turn my attention to building up the playing staff. I have 30k to spend and a Wage budget of roughly £4000 a week. The wage budget is roughly average for the league, the difference for me though is that I have no expensive White Elephants eating up the wage bill!
Roughly forty players turn up for the trials. They’ll face off against lower league opposition. They’ll have to impress me to survive, I only expect half to succeed.
Sadly our first friendly is scheduled before we can bring any players in. It is away to Fulham reserves. The youth team fills in for the missing players and acquit themselves well but still lose 3-1.
For the rest of the matches we do have a team to select from. Unfortunately they perform very averagely. Out of seven friendlies we win two and lose five. Not an auspicious start, I am not very hopeful of our chances this season, we lost against some very ordinary teams.
A squad of misfits and reprobates is assembled. Hopefully I’ll be able to make something out of them.
GOALKEEPERS
Shaun Allaway
Shaun will be my first choice, has a save pair of hands and doesn’t lose his nerve when he is the last line of defence.
Mark Ovendale
An experienced keeper, not as good at handling the ball as Allaway, he does have the reflexes of a cat and is confident in the air.
Nicholas Stones
Third choice, weak in the air but rarely finds himself in the wrong place.
DEFENDERS
Jonathon Heathcote
My first Choice Leftback. Reasonably fast and strong, doesn‘t have much competition, I need to strengthen this area of the team..
Nick Boothby
A reasonably well rounded Central Defender who doesn’t excel at anything. A backup player.
John Burwood
A talented Central Defender who towers over the opposition. Despite his young age is a dead cert starter in central defence.
Tom Culshaw
Not as talented as Burwood, he is more experienced however and is very influential. A possible captain and a definite starter in Central Defence.
Lee Marshall
An experienced Right Back who can operate in midfield. With his ability to find space I expect him to make forays into the opposing half pretty often.
Tolo Mas
Veteran Rightback who like Marshall can operate in Midfield. Very good backup.
Danny Vella
Backup for Heathcote at Leftback. Not so great as a defender, prefers to play in midfield.
I have a big squad and the midfielders are up next!
Paul Rickers
My backup defensive midfielder who can also player right midfield. Reasonable defensive and offensive capabilities, dangerous from long range.
Pat Lynott
First Choice defensive midfielder, excellent tackler who enjoys playing in a team. Very unselfish and hardworking.
Sean Coburn
Right Winger excellent crosser of the ball, good dribbler and superb from set pieces and corners. Only downside is a lack of staying power.
Gavin Skelton
Utility midfielder who can play in any position. Good passer and very creative. Also handy at dead ball situations.
Darren Beasley
Good all-round midfielder who has the potential to develop into a superb player. At the moment is backup for Salt.
Phil Salt
I headhunted this guy. First name on the team sheet, good passer and very creative. Team captain.
Shaun Wray
Right-Winger. More rounded than Coburn but not so good a crosser. Will be his understudy.
Adam Buckley
Left sided midfielder. A temperamental character, very dangerous down the wing. If I can forge him will turn out well for us.
Jon Willis
A creative attacking midfielder who also happens to be a deadly finisher. Won’t get many chances this season but is useful to have in the squad.
Ben Woods
Can play in attacking midfield or as a forward. Very good dribbler and deadly finisher, needs to work on his space finding though.
Ricardo Beckford
Left sided midfielder who can also play as a forward. Very fast and good on the ball, less rounded than Buckley. If Buckley falters, Beckford will pounce.
Shane Tolley
Another well-rounded midfielder good at firing the ball doesn’t excel in any areas so will find most utility as backup to the Forward line.
STRIKERS
Ian Duerden
Has been around a bit. Very good off the ball and a decent finisher. Should have a much better goalscoring record than he does.
Gareth Law
The best finisher in the squad, also deadly from long range and never give ups. Relentless
So thats my squad. The only areas I think are weak are the left side of defence and the forward lines. The rest of my squad has depth.
So the season begins, I hope we can do well this year, Hornchurch are not the force that they once were.
FIRST CHOICE TEAM THIS SEASON
GK Allaway DL Heathcote DR Marshall DC Culshaw DC Burwood ML Buckley MR Coburn DMC Lynott MC Salt FC Tolley FC Duerden
Redbridge 1) 1-2 (1 Hornchurch
An equal sided match, our superior finishing made the difference! The wingers provided both the goals, Tolley and Duerden scoring on their debuts.
My formation was a little leaky, I changed it by canceling the attacking runs of my wingers. That tightened us up considerably and we were much more comfortable in the second half.
Our wingers played well and Phil Salt was instrumental in midfield.
Bishop’s Stortford 1) 2-5 (3 Hornchurch
I rested most of the team for this game and discovered a star. Gareth Law was blinding and grabbed four of the five goals. Ben Wood grabbed the other. An all round good performance from the squad. Allaway had another indifferent game though, changes will be made.
Hornchurch 1) 2-0 ( St Albans
Law kept his place in the team for this match and he repaid my faith with a goal, he latched onto a superb Lynott through ball. Duerden scored the other goal in a tightly contested match. St Albans were very physical and received 5 yellow cards. Sadly the only red card was awarded to sub Ben woods, who shoved New Zealander Chris Zoricich over.
Mark Ovendale had a good game in goal, he lent stability to the back line, Law was awarded man of the match.
Due to his stupid dismissal in the previous match I officially warned Ben Woods. He apologized profusely for his mistake and promised to control his temper in future games.
Hornchurch 1) 2-0 (0 Havant & Waterlooville
Another tight match for us, it could be argued that Havant had the better of the play. Gareth Law and Sub Shane Tolley made the difference.
Weymouth 0-0 Hornchurch
Our first dropped points of the season and what a tight ill tempered game it was. Clear chances were few and far between. Ovendale and Salt were once again instrumental for us.
Five games gone and we sit in 1st place, two points clear of Basingstoke who are also undefeated.
A truly awful game that only had two proper shots on goal throughout. Both sides picked up many injuries through the match, we lost Burwood to groin strain. Ovendale received the MoM award, strange considering he had not a save to make throughout!
Coburn and Law had poor games, I can allow a blip from Law but Coburn has been very average this season.
Burwood is out for three weeks with groin strain. He has been stalwart in Central Defence and will be tough to replace. Now Boothby has his chance.
Hornchurch 1) 1-0 (0 Margate
Another tough game for us, this time against sixth paced Margate. I replaced Coburn with Wray and he had a decent if unspectacular game. Gareth Law headed in the only goal from a 20th corner. The game was very tight until mid way through the second half, when I changed to a counterattacking formation. We seemed to dominate the game after that.
A good if unspectacular performance from the boys. Marshall, Buckley and Law all had good games.
Fifth game in a row without conceding, we seem to be transforming into a dour defensive team. A good basis from which to start,.
We discover that the Yorkshiremen from Guisely will visit the Stadium in the 1st qualifying round of the FA Cup. We promise them a warm welcome.
My scouts return from their jaunts around England. They find a few good players but not many who can fit into our awkward positions. Next up for them is a ferry to Denmark.
Hornchurch 0) 1-0 (0 Eastbourne Borough
I rested many of my main string for the visit of lowly Eastbourne. We were well on top in this game and we were given a further advantage when Eastbourne lost a player due to a reckless challenge on Beckford just before half time. However it seemed as if we would not get our rewards for our effort. It wasn’t until 10 minutes before the end that Coburn scored with a shot just outside the area.
A good performance from the team, however Tolley and Woods squandered many chances. Eight games without defeat.
Both Tolley and Beckford sustained injuries during the match. Beckfords injury was minor but Tolley will be out for two weeks.
Hornchurch 0) 2-2 (1 Guisely
The reserves took to the field for this game, they didn’t exactly impress me, I had to rely on the Elite Guard to get me out of this one!
Shaun Wray made things difficult for us when he received his second yellow on 23 minutes and left the field of play. I had to juggle the team around to cover the gaps, I brought on Marshall for Woods and stuck him on the wing.
Marshall was responsible for their first goal, he launched a ridiculous backpass from midfield, which found one of their players. We went into half time 1-0 down.
Most of the second half wasn’t any better. It wasn’t long before they went 2-0 up. I brought on Duerden and Salt after that calamity.
Marshall redeemed himself with a goal from the penalty spot after 64 minutes. Guisely stepped on their backfoot and went on the defensive.
It took up until the final few minutes of the game for us to get back in. Salt went on a mazy individual run and slotted past the keeper.
I expected to dispose of Guisely in this round, at least we ahve another bite of the cherry.
FA CUP 2ND QUAL REPLAY
Guisely 0) 1-3 (0 Hornchurch aet
A very tough game in which history repeated itself. I replaced the suspended Wray with Gavin Skelton. It was only six minutes into the game when he got himself sent off, for repeated dissent. I was furious that lightning had struck twice. Once again I was on the backfoot and had to reshuffle my team, Gareth Law was replaced with Marshall, I only had Woods in attack and he lost energy very quickly.
It was a good game but it didn’t reach its full potential because of the Referees absurd strictness. He handed out a total of 9 yellow cards in this game, his constant whistle blowing restricted the flow.
The game was goalless by the end of normal time, we had Stones in goal to thank for that. Both teams had used all their subs and we were handed a boon, when striker Ben Gallagher injured himself just before the end. Guisely shifted their players into midfield and attack, I took advantage of this by shifting my assaults onto the wing. We were equal again.
All the fun occurred in extra time, both teams were tired and mistakes were made aplenty. Ian Duerden was splendid as a provider and he made the first goal, his cross finding the ever reliable Salt in the box.
It took the home team three minutes to reply, I defence was split and Scott Jackson found himself in acres of space. His shot went in off the post and I found myself dreading a penalty shootout.
I need not have worried though, our superior fitness really paid dividends in the second half of extra time. Beckford was a terror on the left wing, four minutes from the end he received a long throw on the edge of the area, his shot trickled beneath the keeper and went in.
Lee Marshall finished the game off just before the end, he nodded in a Beckford cross.
Beckford and Stones were immense for us, they won the game. The rest of the team played reasonably well also.
We are through to the next round, where we’ll face Dover at home.
I am thankful that we have a large squad to pick from, come Saturday we’ll have a fresh team to select from.
A frustrating game for us, we were dominant but unable to produce many meaningful goal scoring opportunities. The best chance fell for Woods in the second half, his shot was pushed onto the post. Yet another cup replay to look forward to.
A very average performance from the team.
If we win at Dover on Wednesday, we have another home match against Croydon to look forward to.
FA CUP 3RD QUALIFYING ROUND REPLAY
Dover 2) 2-0 (0 Hornchurch
For us a forgettable game, Dover were much more interested in the game and in Matt Carruthers they had a match-winner. A very disappointing loss and to be honest, we were never in this game.
The reserves have had their runout and to be honest, they haven’t really impressed me that much.
Basingstoke 1) 3-4 (1 Hornchurch
A very entertaining match, though not quite as close run a thing as you’d expect, for a lot of the game Ovendale was very shaky in goal . He was directly responsible for 2 of them.
We took an early lead thanks to Law’s poaching instincts, we were secure for most of the half until Ovendale decided to bat the ball into his own net!
Basingstoke have the services of Paul Gascgoine and despite his lack of pace he caused us all sorts of trouble. Just after the restart he latched onto a cross and placed the ball beyond Ovendale.
Ian Duerden came into his own in this match, he happily lapped up the excellent service provided by Phil Salt and in the space of 4 minutes he scored 2. All down to his ability to find space. Scant minutes later Salt had provided a 4th and I thought we were secure.
Basingstoke were not happy to stay idle though and on 80 minutes, Zok scored a bizarre goal. Ovendale was busy watching the flight of a Gascgoine through ball and was wrong-footed when the ball struck Zok’s head and sent him the opposite direction.
It was a fraught final ten minutes, we managed to hold on though
Tolley was brought on late in the half, he had a number of chances but was always bested by the keeper, he should be able to do better than that!
Salt and Duerden were superb!
Carshalton Athletic 0) 2-1 (0 Hornchurch
I rested a few of the squad for this trip to leafy Surrey
A very frustrating game for us, we hit the bar twice. I thought the game would be goalless but with seven minutes to go Beckford put in a rebound. We were safe up until the last three minutes, when Ovendale fouled up again, he was woefully positioned for a long range shot. Just before the end they scored again, due to a defensive mix up.
Ovendale had a poor game and Tolley missed a few more good chances. Carshalton were bottom placed as well!
Things seem to be fading away for us, I have some work to do.
Laying The Foundations! 
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