retired_hamawandi

A short tale describing the exploits of one of the true gentlemen of the game.

retired_hamawandi

February 18th 2015

80's theme music pounds, twinkly lights erm... twinkle, and the tanned presenter smiles and jogs down the spangly steps to the front of the stage, facing the camera.

Tanned Presenter: Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of 'This Is Your Life' featuring one of modern football's true greats.

Audience clap reluctantly, full of bewildered old people and a small band of emergency seat fillers bussed in from St. Lunatics home for the Imbelic.

Floor manager (Off camera): Oh for christ's sake.

Tanned Presenter: He is, ladies and gentlemen, from the land famous for providing Prince Charles' latest wife (Shakira), and famous for providing the snow we get in London all year round. He needs no introduction... actually he does.... It's Giovanny Hernandez, currently of Sheffield United!

Man in ponytail beams wildly, dressed in loud suit reminiscent of a Mondrian painting made whilst on 3 different drugs simultaneously, and comes bounding down the stairs pumping fists in the air

Giovanny: Pleasure to be here, Tanned Presenter, pleasure to be here.

Tanned Presenter: Please, take a seat Giovanny, while we look at some of your greatest moments.

Screen lowers itself and plays many highlights including the winning goal in the 2011 League Final where Giovanny leapt over the advertising hoardings and kissed a surprised looking Ambulance man.

Tanned Presenter: Giovanny Hernandez..... This is your life!

retired_hamawandi

Tanned Presenter: Now, Giovanny, we know you started your career in Colombia among the clubs in Cali, but we're not going to talk about all that, mainly because i don't have the facts on me...

Giovanny: (Interrupting) Well, i'd be delighted to help you...

Tanned Presenter (Through gritted teeth) I DON'T have the facts on me...
Instead we'd like to focus on the moment you arrived on British soil as a £2.7m signing for Tottenham Hotspur, under the tutelage of the now world famous Richard Rowe.

Giovanny: Well, I remember it well. It was Christmas 2005, and as the airplane taxied in, I remarked to my wife on the remarkable beef wellington served during the flight...

Owing to time and mental health provision, the above speech has been shortened.

... and ultimately, that is why Yaks don't make good Graphic Designers. I arrived at Spurs Lodge as the second Colombian signing, alongside Edixon Perea, who Rowe was having considerable success with as he tried to rescue Tottenham from the relegation places by introducing an attacking South American inspired formation using me and Edixon as a front pairing, with me in the 'hole'.

Tanned Presenter: And you were an immediate success as I recall, 20 appearances, 22 goals and 26 assists led Tottenham up to sixth!

Giovanny: Well, Tanned Presenter, I cannot take all the credit for that. Part of it was due to my official sponsor for tonight, Maxwell House Coffee. The greatest coffee, in every situation.

Tanned Presenter: Quite... well Giovanny your career at Tottenham lasted until Summer 2008, did it not?

Giovanny: Yes. I left 6 months after Rowe's sacking to join him at newly promoted Sheffield United to play on the left wing.

Tanned Presenter: Aha, much like many Colombian Revolutionaries!

Giovanny: Er...

Floor Manager: Clap for christs sake, clap. Look guys, when the green light shows, clap you bunch of geriatric insanity wasted trolls.

Light applause, and off camera, the politically sensitive Hernandez tells the presenter to f*ck off

Tanned Presenter: Aha! And you scored 73 goals, primarily from the left wing, and made over 100 assists in yous spell at Tottenham. The price was £1m for a player just into his 30's to join your old manager at Sheffield United. Some may say it was the bargain of the century?

Giovanny: Yes, along with Whiskas 3 for 2 on all Chicken Liver products, with a deal like that, its no wonder your cats are going clucking mad.

Tanned Presenter: Er lets take a short break, and we'll re-live some of your greatest moments at Sheffield United.

retired_hern1001

He's back and as funny as ever :thup:

Shame it's only a short story though, would love to see another Michael Dawson-esque tale

retired_lnspeer

Liking this :thup:

retired_hamawandi

80's music. Tanned presenter with radiant smile winks and points at camera

Tanned Presenter: Welcome.... Welcome back to This is Your Life, with Giovanni Van Bronckhorst... No? Oh, Hernandez then. (off camera) look, lets stick to rugby next time.

Giovanny: Well, continuing where we left off, I joined Sheffield United for £1m and was called a washed up thirtysomething waste of money, but i proved them all wrong. 15 goals in my first season were proof of that.

Tanned Presenter: (Not paying attention) Yah, absolutely... absolutely

Giovanny: The 2008/9 season was kind to me. I had 3 car crashes, all six of my wives for that year perished in unfortunate paragliding accidents and had their bank accounts emptied. Fortunately for me, I acquired in one will a massive country house in Yorkshire which allowed me to focus on Sheffield United and was the springboard for more success. Yes, that was a very good year.

Tanned Presenter: Yah, mmm, yah

Giovanny: I was there for a good few years, and enjoyed my football but Sheffield weren't really challenging for silverware, finishing around 5th and 6th in the table. My best moment came in the league cup final of 2011...

Tanned Presenter: aaaaaaaaand we've got a transcript of that match report along with your highlights in that game. The match that turned you from you into, well... a legend...

Giovanny: (shy) well i don't like to blow my own trumpet.

Tanned Presenter: Well don't then, thats my job and i get paid well for it. Just because you're retiring doesn't mean you can muscle in on my patch you know? I worked hard for this job (tears) just let me be... (sobbing)

Giovanny: ...

retired_hamawandi

Thanks.... this won't be longer than a page, but I may have another Michael Dawson esque story lined up somewhere

retired_hamawandi

Thanks Macca

retired_hamawandi

Big screen behing Giovanny and Tanned Presenter comes to life. It is the 2011 League Cup Final

Sheffield United vs Arsenal

Line-Up for Sheffield United:

GK - Jan Lastuvka
DR - Billy Jones
DC - Andre Muri
DC - Hayden Mullins
DL - Julio Arca
MR - Alessio Cerci
MC - Gunnar Sigurdsson
MC - Scott Parker
ML - Giovanny Hernandez (c)
FC - Jhon Jairo Mosquera
FC - Edixon Perea

Subs -
GK - Paul Robinson
DC - Julius Ledger
ML - Joe Cole
FC - Taiwo Atieno
FC - Steve Dawson

The first minute saw the tie flare to life as Arsenal carved open the Sheffield United defence like a turkey at Christmas, with the evergreen Thierry Henry heading in from a Kolo Toure corner. Sheffield didn't create many more opportunities until 40 minutes due to the attacking barrage by what was clearly the better team, when Mosquera took advantage of a bad clearance from Pontus Larsson, the Arsenal goalkeeper, and ricocheted a shot against the bar which rebounded in off the fortunately placed Hernandez. One minute later, Perea combined with Mosquera and the Colombian blend sent Hernandez clear on goal to lob over the despairing keeper for a shock half time lead. The second half was quiet until 63 minutes when Perea was sent off for a second bookable offence, followed 3 minutes later by Mosquera, leaving no forwards on the field. Rowe reshuffled his pack, going ultra defensive with Hernandez, a left winger up front by himself. On 72 disaster struck again, when Robin van Persie was fouled in the area by Muri, who was given a straight red. Luckily for Sheffield Lastuvka guessed right and kept out the fierce kick. Defending stoically Sheffield confounded the critics and counter-attacked in the dying seconds when Hernandez looked to have completed his hat trick after rounding the keeper, only to see it given as an offside. Seconds later the whistle blew and Hernandez was carted around on the shoulders of his team-mates, a beacon in an events-packed game, holding together the fragile fabric of 8 man Sheffield United against the rampant champions.

retired_hamawandi

Due to the geriatric crowd, canned applause is set off, only it isn't applause. Someone has pressed the wrong button, and the screeching wail of sirens from the Blitz, compounded with gunfire and clipped English accents shouting, "Outstanding shot old bean, what?" resonates around the studio leaving everyone bewildered. A few old men pull out antique rifles and shoot several Germans on a school trip.

Tanned Presenter: Well Giovanny, what a performance. If there's one thing that I can say about that game, its that.... it was played over 90 minutes.

Giovanny: Yes, you have a valid point. It was a special day for me, being captain and all. It was a struggle but at the end of the day I sweat blood and tears for the cause and it showed.

Tanned Presenter: And of course you received a knighthood from the Queen for your commitment to the cause did you not?

Giovanny: No. That was Giovanni Van Bronckhorst, for his tireless commitment in favour of civil partnership between fish.

Tanned Presenter: Yes, a wonderful man.... Join us after the break for a touching tale from Giovannys' childhood which explains why he is the man he is today.

Canned Applause goes wrong again, and a loud scream reverberates around the studio, followed by a loud squirting noise and a small dog yelping