Giovanny Hernandez, This Is Your Life! (A Very Short Story)

retired_hamawandi · 01-03-2006, 03:51 PM

Canned Applause up and running again.

Tanned Presenter: Welcome back to This Is Your Life, the ONLY biographical show brought to you by Pedigree Chum. 8 out of 10 dog owners said their dogs couldn't vouch for it because they hadn't developed voice boxes as an evolutionary trait yet.

Giovanny: Yes folks, don't buy a cheap dog.

Tanned Presenter: So Giovanny, we're at the part of the show where we find out a little bit about your formative years, and help us understand the little boy behind the man.

Giovanny: Erm.... Well I was born 38 years ago in the small town of Cigar, in North-Eastern Colombia in the local brothel. My mother didn't have much time for me, and I spent my formative years believing my father to be a small box of rusting metal spoons. Despite this early handicap, I soon made contact with my real father, an elderly chap who migrated from Germany in 1945 and always insisted on wearing a fake moustache in public. He showed me many sports, hoping I would take interest. I took up tiddlywinks and became regional champion before discovering football through the local youth club. My father and mother had both passed away by the time I was 12 so I lived by myself off the land surrounded by animals. One day a bearded man appeared and told me to build a big boat as there would be a flood. He told me to fill it with animals marching two by two, which i did. Distraught by the death of two dolphins I coaxed aboard, I waited for the flood which never came. It was but a cruel practical joke. The animals consequently died and I resorted to kicking a sheeps skull around on deck, where I was spotted by the local scout, and invited to start my career at tthe age of 14 in the Colon de Santa Fe youth academy.

Tanned Presenter: A marvellous tale Giovanny. You are a wonderful man. Join us after the break folks, where Giovanny will talk over his 5 greatest goals scored in this country. Don't miss is.

retired_hamawandi · 01-04-2006, 09:41 AM

Giovanny's Five Greatest Goals

#5 Tottenham v Middlesbrough May 2007
This was the goal that put us into Europe on the last day of the season. I picked the ball up in our own half from a dinked short pass from Jurica Kovacevic on the counter attack, skinned two defenders and blasted in from 25 yards.

#4 Tottenham v Marseille October 2008
This was a momentous day for us, as we beat one of the giants of European football in the group stages of the UEFA Cup, and announced our arrival on the European scene. The goal was a simple tap in from a long flowing move, but it symbolised so much more, and we won 7-1. Spanky!

#3 Barnet v Sheffield United January 2012
We nearly slipped up big time in this third round clash. Richard Rowe sent out a team of Under-17's plus me as captain, and after 89 minutes it was 4-4, when I scored an overhead kick from the penalty spot area to give us a win that flattered us to be honest.

#2 Sheffield United v Arsenal March 2011
You already saw this one, in the League Cup Final. My winning goal. Not only did it symbolise a great performance but I scored with 19 supermodels that night and a surprised looking kitchen sink.

#1 Chelsea v Sheffield United May 2009
A bit of a mean one this... I sent Chelsea down on the final day of the season with the only goal in a 1-0 encounter. The ball was fed out to me on the left wing by Ji-Sung Park and from 20 yards I rocketed one in past the keeper to send astonishingly, the reigning champions down. I remember being shocked at the time, as that sort of thing never usually happens. I know their fans hate me now as they languish in League One, but its their fault for buying Didier Drogba.

retired_hamawandi · 01-05-2006, 10:41 AM

Tanned Presenter smiles cheesily at the wrong camera 4 times before finally choosing the right one, and takes a fake sip of water.

Tanned Presenter: So, Giovanny, it's nearly time to meet my next guest tonight, the movie star turned cat sanctuary assistant Carrot Bludgington.

Giovanny: Yes, and it's been wonderful re-living some of the greatest moments of my career, admittedly in a short, truncated way.

Tanned Presenter: Well, before you go it would be nice to know what you've got planned for when you retire from the game?

Giovanny: Yes, it would be nice to know wouldn't it?

Tanned Presenter: ...

Giovanny: ...

Tanned Presenter: So...

Giovanny: Well, Tanned Presenter I'm not going into management... at least not yet. I might just spend a couple of years with my assets outside the football world.

Tanned Presenter: Which are?

Giovanny: Well I run a couple of penal correction facilities over in Eastern Europe, so I may well pop over and help out with the swearing, beatings and so on. It's just a little hobby of mine, well it makes me laugh anyway.

Tanned Presenter: Me too, me too, I'm a big fan of extreme torture.

Studio Audience clap and smile warmly

Giovanny: Thanks for having me on your show Tanned Presenter, and I must comment on just how jerky your outfit is tonight.

Tanned Presenter: (not listening) Yes... Yes... Ladies and Gentlemen, the wonderful Giovanni Van Bronckhorst!

Silence

Tanned Presenter: Er... Hernandez!

Silence

Floor Manager: Right that's it, I'm going to shoot myself.

Sound of rapid machine gun fire, Tanned Presenter welcomes Carrot Bludgington out on stage

Tanned Presenter: Well, Carrot, good to have you here, now, as a cat therapist, what does it mean when a cat begins to limp after being kicked in the ribs?...