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Roman Abramovich: Comrades, our plans for footballing domination are progressing well. Alex, it would have been better had you not gone in with Comrade Mandaric though. You should havbe bought another club on your own, we need to spread our resources. We are not moving quickly enough.
Vladimir Romanov: But there is only so much that so few of us can do.
Abramovich: It would help, Vladimir, if you did not go sacking the best thing to happen to your club in twenty years.
Romanov: But he wouldn’t pick my Lithuanian friends. We have to make sure that our comrades our playing as well as just buying the clubs.
Abramovich: Indeed, but hiring Graham Rix was a big f*cking mistake, even if you did do well by making your son Chairman and Chief Executive. I assume he will also be the next manager?
Romanov: That is the plan.
Abramovich: Good. Still, we need to move quicker.
Alexandre Gaydamak: But what can we do? We surely cannot buy the national teams?
Romanov: Of course not, that would be ridiculous. Comrades, we need something that is more than just football, something that speaks to the fans, something that is a way of life.
Marko Frostinov: Comrades, I know of just such a thing…………
****************************************
A week later...
Abramovich: The plan is set in place? The Dutch one is out of the way?
Frostinov: Yes. He thinks he has a Bulgarian girlfriend. The mail order company were very helpful. She has him imprisoned in his own personal hell.
Abramovich: Excellent. And the other mod, the fat one?
Romanov: He was easy. We merely left a trail of cakes for him to follow. He is safely locked away. He will be no trouble.
Abramovich: Wonderful. Well done, Comrades. It appears as if we have succeeded. Once we begin handing out their awards then they will love us forever; they will be begging more of us to come and buy their beloved clubs. Soon every player in the Premiership will be a Comrade.
Gaydamak: Shall we get this underway?
Abramovich: Yes. It is time for FMS to fall in love with its Eastern rulers………
Raptor: Where are you taking me? I need to be at the awards soon. They can’t be run without me.
Bulgarian Mail Order Bride: Be quiet. You’ll get there in plenty of time. You’ll love where I’m taking you.
R: Will you come to the awards with me? No one believes you’re real. They all think I’ve made you up to make me seem more interesting. As if I need to be more interesting. They worship me. But still they think you’re fake. It must just be because they’re so intimidated by me.
BMOB: You have no idea how right they are……………… I mean, of course I’ll come darling. Anything to make you happy.
R: Thank you. Are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?
BMOB: We’re here. You can take off your blindfold now.
Roman Romanov: Are yousad that you’re missing your precious awards?
Terk: Hell no! I’m getting to smash Hibs merchandise with a baseball bat and eat cake at the same time. I could be up for an Oscar and be missing the ceremony right now and I wouldn’t give a ****.
R. Romanov: Honestly, it’s always the same. Give a fat kid a cake and you’ll amuse him for hours.
Wanders in, wrapped in his new £60 FatFace jumper and takes his usual seat at the back.
Sets up his portable TV
Feels slightly guilty that he's wathcing the *gulp* darts! Especially as he only turned on by accident, and it's two Dutchmen in the final - but I'm hooked!
Roman A: Comrades, welcome to the all new FMS awards. This years awards will feature a fabulous entertainment programme brought to you by the Bolshoi Ballet and plenty of vodka for all your drinking needs. And of course, the actual handing out of the awards. But first, let me introduce one of my co-hosts for the evening, Crazy Ivan.
Crazy Ivan: Thank you, comrade chairman, I am very much delighted to be part of this momentous occasion in the history of the Soviet Union.
Roman: As you all know, this years awards have taken a slightly different format. The organisation committee has decided that some awards were not in the spirit of the Motherland and as a result these awards have been dropped for this years ceremony. However, we still have a total of seventeen awards to be handed out during the course of this evening, so I suggest you sit back and relax as the show unfolds before you. But first, Ivan here will start of the proceedings by signing the national anthem.
Ivan:
Soy'ooz neroosh'imi resp'ooblik svob'odnikh
Splot'ila nav'eki vel'ikaia Rus
Da zdr'avstvooyet sozdanni voley nar'odov
Yed'ini mog'oochi Sov'etski Soy'ooz
Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye
Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot
P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya
Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot
Skvoz g'odi siy'alo nam s'ontse svob'oodi
I L'enin vel'iki nam put ozar'il
Na pr'avoye d'elo on p'odnal nar'odi
na tr'ood i na p'odvigi nas vdokhnov'il
Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye
Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot
P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya
Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot
V pob'ede bessm'ertnih idey kommoon'izma
Mi v'idim grad'oosheye n'ashey strani
I kr'asnomoo zn'ameni sl'avnoj otch'izni
Mi b'oodem vsegd'a bezav'etno verni
Sl'avsa ot'echestvo n'ashe svob'odnoye
Dr'oojbi nar'odov nady'ojni opl'ot
P'artia L'enina, - s'ila narodnaya
Nas k torjestv'oo kommun'izma vedy'ot
Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republics,
Great Russia has welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people,
United and mighty, our Soviet land!
Sing to the Motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong.
O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
To Communism's triumph lead us on!
Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us,
Along the new path where great Lenin did lead.
To a righteous cause he raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labor and valorous deed.
[Or, the old way:
Be true to the people, thus Stalin has reared us,
Inspire us to labor and valorous deed!]
Sing to the Motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong.
O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
To Communism's triumph lead us on!
In the vict'ry of Communism's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear land.
And to her fluttering scarlet banner,
Live from Moscow: The 2005 FMS Awards 
Ok, zdrastvuytye! ya gavaryo pa russki! aha!
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