here's a little Boro update for all our adoring fans
Murmers of discontent over the arrival of random nobody Stu Warren Esq. were soon quashed when the young chap delved into the transfer market. Raising just under
£20m with the sales of players such as
Stewart Downing (Everton - £11m),
Robert Huth (Spurs - £4m, rising to £8m),
Andrew Taylor (Wigan - £3m) and
Gary O'Neil (Everton - £1m), Warren Esq. was given the chance the opportunity to bring in fresh faces and with them his own brand of football, which can only be described as unorthodoxly unique.
The first big buy was Spanish sensation
Diego Capel, snapped up from Sevilla for a measly £10.25m, and set to be a dirext replacement for Downing. Young Portuguese winger
Danny arrived for £5m from Dinamo Moscow, arriving with a heavy bag of tricks. The next purchase suprised many, as
Dave Kitson joined for £5m from Reading. Critics were hailing the signing as the "worst ever" and claiming "even a baby with no lips could negotiate a better deal", but little did they know the impact Kitson would have on the club. Kitson's old Reading teammate
Steve Sidwell joined in a £3m deal from Chelsea, shortly followed from the capital by £2.5m
Steed Malbranque from Spurs.
Michael Mifsud joined from Coventry for £600k in what can only be described as an "experimental" transfer, while German goalkeeper
Stefan Klos completed the incomings by joining on a free.
With his sensational transfer dealings behind him, Warren Esq. took his new-look Boro side into battle against US heavyweight Andy Jordan's Liverpool side. Duly crushed 3-1, Warren Esq. promised never to talk of this game again, and as far as we know, he hasn't.
Matchday 2 was an altogether more successful day for Boro, as they didn't play.
The steady improvement continued, suprisingly, as Boro held Man Utd to a draw, despite them being managed by ape legend Martin Keown. Kitson gave Boro a frankly absurd 2-0 lead, but after Cattermole and Rochemback together went slightly insane and received dismissals, it was all too easy for United to maraude they way back into the game.
The start-of-season-fixture-list-FROM-HELL continued as Boro took on Chelsea, newly managed by some crazy drunk Scot who has overseen mass changes at the Bridge, most notably the legalisation of rape, which was all too obvious in this fixture as every Boro player was torn a new one.
Of the 17 Boro fans who turned up for the north-east derby, only 11 left alive. Whilst at least 2 were rumoured to have committed suicide following depression brought on by the recent dismal performances, the others apparantly suffered heart attacks toward the end of the match. Newcastle dominated throughout, and it was only through the rubbishness of their new manager, Matthew Le Cheat, that they couldn't convert their multiple chances. Boro took a 2-0 lead, before instinct kicked in and they were duly back level at 2-2. Kitson was the star man again, but Malbranque was nearly a hero after putting Boro 3-2 up with only 15 minutes to go. Unfortunately, this level excitement brought on by leading, combined with the copious amounts of sugery Lucozade consumed at half-time, brought on bouts of spaziness from Boro's players and they threw the game away, losing 4-3.
It's already looking gloomy for the smoggies
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