BobBev

30 Months Of Hurt

Finally, after two and a half years of humiliation, Berti Vogts was out on his ear. With only 9 wins in 32 games the record of the diminutive German was frankly appalling. Almost single-handedly he had managed to reverse the progress made under Andy Roxburgh and Craig Brown and the Scottish national team was now a laughing stock. But now the Tartan Army could look forward to a new man in charge and hopefully the whole sorry episode could be forgotten.

But for some, this was not enough. One particularly extreme faction wanted more. The Berlin Branch of the Tartan Army had endured more than most and they didn’t just want rid of Berti – they wanted revenge. And so they devised a Cunning Plan.

Peacemaker7

This sounds like fun

Gary Toner

Sounds interesting :thup:

BobBev

A Cunning Plan

The first stage in the Cunning Plan was to find a volunteer who would be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. The individual concerned would need to be a true patriot but would have to be able to speak fluent German. They would have to be prepared to go deep undercover, leaving behind their friends and family and cutting off all ties to their previous life. They would also have to undergo painful and irreversible surgery. In short they would have to become JUERGEN KLINSMANN!!!

Once a brave volunteer had been found and the months of plastic surgery had been completed, the next step in the Cunning Plan could take place. The real Klinsmann would be kidnapped and held in a secure location whilst his doppelganger took over the reigns. The fake Klinsmann would then proceed to wreck the German national team by selecting second-rate players, instituting bizarre and poorly communicated tactics and blaming everyone else for his failure. If the faux-Klinsmann could hold onto his job for long enough then the German team’s proud record in major competitions would be a thing of the past and they would plummet down the FIFA rankings.

And so The Revenge Of The Tartan Army began.

Peacemaker7

ahah thats hilarious. Now if only we could do this irl....

BobBev

A Willing Volunteer

Clearly the first stage in the plan was to find a Willing Volunteer. The successful candidate would need to be the same general age, height and build as the real Klinsmann as there was only so much that could be achieved through surgery. He would have to be fluent in German and be able to imitate Klinsmann’s voice and mannerisms so accurately that even the German’s closest friends and family would be fooled by the charade. After patient weeks of searching the Berlin Branch of the Tartan Army finally found their man.

Stefan McCardle was the product of a marriage between a Scottish father and a German mother. His parents met when his dad, an army man, was posted to Osnabruck, and the two fell in love and soon married. When Stefan was born his father decided that he would remain in Germany at the end of his tour of duty rather than accepting another posting and uprooting his family, so he bought himself out of the Army. As a skilled electrical engineer he had no great difficulty in finding work and he set up a small business that provided the McCardle’s with a very comfortable living.

Stefan’s father enjoyed his life in Germany but he never let his son forget his Scottish roots and the young lad was taught English at home and grew up totally bi-lingual. A keen football fan, McCardle senior followed his local team and his son accompanied him to the home games from an early age. But young Stefan was fully indoctrinated with tales of the Scottish national team and their great players of the past and the McCardle men always took a keen interest in the team’s fortunes.

When Stefan was first sounded out about the Cunning Plan he showed an immediate enthusiasm – of course at that time he had no idea that he was being considered as the Willing Volunteer. But gradually he was drawn in deeper and deeper. Not only did Stefan have the right physical attributes – he was a similar age to the real Klinsmann, was tall, slim and blond – but he had no strong family ties (his parents had met with a tragic accident a couple of years earlier) and he was a gifted amateur thespian. He was finally convinced to take on the task when it was suggested that the Cunning Plan would serve as a monument to his late father who, alas, had not lived to see his beloved Scotland rid themselves of the disastrous Vogts.

BobBev

A Transformation Takes Place

And so Stefan McCardle agreed to forgo his real identity and become the Klinsmann doppelganger. An eminent plastic surgeon in Edinburgh was recruited to the cause and he began the long and painful process of transforming his patient into JUERGEN KLINSMANN. An agonizing and complex series of operations followed to undertake the physical alteration and at the same time Stefan began to study Klinsmann the man. He needed to be intimately familiar with every aspect of the German’s background – his childhood, his playing career, his likes and dislikes. He had to learn his family history, research his lifestyle and habits and finally his patterns of speech and physical behaviour. It was a painstaking process and it took months before Stefan and his co-conspirators were ready to put their plan into action. But finally on 30h January 2005 they made their move.

In a carefully choreographed operation a hit squad intercepted Klinsmann as he was driving to watch a league game between Dortmund and FC Bayern. He was taken to a safe location and Stefan took his place at the match. The Cunning Plan was underway.

BobBev

Uproar In The Press

At the time of Stefan’s insertion the German national team was in 13th place in the FIFA rankings. The team would be competing in the Confederations Cup in June and before that time they had two friendly games scheduled, an away game in Nigeria and a home game against Uruguay. When Stefan announced his squad for the game in Nigeria the German Press went haywire – most of the 22 players were complete unknowns. FC Bayern keeper Oliver Kahn was the only prominent player in the squad. There were a few players from First Division clubs but most came from teams in the lower divisions. The only capped players were Kahn, midfielder Stefan Freund and winger Horst Heldt. But there was one common factor – they were all at least 35 years of age. At a chaotic press conference Stefan, as Klinsmann, made a short announcement.

“I have chosen a German squad packed with experienced players because at International level experience is very important. You cannot rely on young players at this level as they, by their very definition, are lacking in experience in light of their extreme youthfulness. I am confident that the mature professionals that I have selected will do me proud.”

Refusing to answer any questions me made his escape and decided to lay low until the squad flew out to Nigeria. The game itself was a little disappointing as his team of journeymen did surprisingly well, only losing 2-0. On his return to Germany, Stefan made a brief appearance in front of the press to give his views on the game.

“We were obviously very unfortunate to have lost this game. For many of our squad this was the first time that they had left their native shores and clearly the experience of visiting the Dark Continent was difficult for them. There were many other factors that contributed to our unlucky defeat - many of the players were airsick during the long flight; the pitch was not in very good condition; the game was played with a yellow ball; there are too many foreign players in Germany; the general weakness of the German economy is a concern for everyone and it certainly affected the focus of the team. But rest assured that I am not concerned by this one-off result and we will rectify the situation in our next match, of that I am certain.”

Peacemaker7

Dont forget to play the occassional promising young player, then slaughter his confidence publicly and ruin his career :thup:

Terk

enjoying this so far bob revenge is sweet