retired_amyslack

Thanks Simon. Stuart, you must be a mind reader

Giving Youth Their Head

Within a couple of weeks the faux-Klinsmann had to announce his team squad for the visit of Uruguay and once again there was a shock in store for the assembled press. This time he had made his selection from some of the larger clubs in Germany – FC Bayern, HSV, Hertha BSC, Hannover 96 and others. That wasn’t the surprise. The bombshell was that all of his squad were aged 18 or under. Once again Stefan made a brief statement at a frenzied press conference.

“It should be clear to all of you, as indeed it is to me, that the future of our national team lies with youth. In the words of the great Whitney Houston - 'I believe the children are our future, Teach them well and let them lead the way'. Fine words indeed, and who can argue with that sentiment. You see before you a new generation of German players that will lead our country to glory and give us a brave new future.”

Declining to answer the frantic barrage of questions that his statement had generated, he quickly left and tried to stay out of the limelight until the day of the match. The game was not a success for Stefan as his youngsters did remarkably well, holding on for a scoreless draw. He did his best to disrupt them by making nine substitutions during the game but to no avail. Despite his personal disappointment, Stefan put a very positive spin on the result during his post-match statement.

“A goalless draw against one of the best teams in world football is a very creditable result for my young team. With a little more good fortune we could easily have won. Events conspired against us, of that there is no doubt. Consider the following – none of the youngsters had played for their country before; a number of them were feeling very homesick and missing their parents; the evening kick-off was very late and past the normal bed time for several of my players; playing in front of a large crowd was quite upsetting for some – the noise gives them a headache; and of course the high unemployment rate is a concern for everyone in the country.”

retired_hern1001

Brilliant stuff Bob, keep it coming :thup:

retired_amyslack

Cheers WLKRAS

The Confederations Cup

As the German domestic season came to a close there was increasing speculation regarding the squad for the forthcoming Confederations Cup tournament. It hadn’t taken the German press long to question the sanity of their national coach following his recent squad selections and the 22 unveiled by Stefan for the tournament only served to increase the outcry to near-hysterical levels. The entire squad came from a single team – VfB Lubeck who had finished 14th in the Second Division. Stefan made his usual brief announcement at the press briefing before taking his leave and going into hiding.

“The single most important factor in the long term success of any team is consistency – and continuity of course. And what could offer more in that arena than a group of players who are teammates at club level as well as at International level. Hence my selection today. Why Lubeck you will ask – why not a team such as FC Bayern after their all-conquering season both domestically and in Europe. I’ll tell you why. I have found that the most important factor in selection for the national team is that you must be German. And FC Bayern have too many foreign players. The same with Dortmund, Schalke, Stuttgart and all of the other top teams. The Lubeck players are all German and are all proud to be representing their country. Consistency is key and this is a very consistent squad.”

For Germany the competition started with a game against Australia and Stefan was pretty disappointed with the scoreless draw. Next up came Senegal and Stefan was positively distressed when his team won 2-0. The 3-0 defeat by Argentina in the final game was much more satisfactory although given the bizarre tactics that Stefan employed he had expected a higher scoreline. Luckily this meant that Germany finished 3rd in their group with Argentina and Australia qualifying. In his post-tournament summary, Stefan tried to highlight the positives.

“Let’s look at it this way – we only lost one game out of three and that’s pretty good. My innovation to have the very popular Der Drei Lederhosen singing the national anthem before each game was a masterstroke, enthusing the crowd and giving us great support. There have been some questions about the tactics that I employed in the final game but I felt that playing with no one in central midfield and deploying 5 wingers would confuse the opposition but Argentina are a world class team and they managed to adapt to my formation better than anyone could have imagined. But it is vital to have experimentation and change – we cannot live in a vacuum. And anyway, the crippling cost of re-unification affects every aspect of our lives and footballers are people too.”

Mike..

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BobBev:


The entire squad came from a single team – VfB Lubeck who had finished 14th in the Second Division. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Genius!

BarryLFC

I love Important Words Being Capitalised. One of my favourite things.

shannon2007

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Sorry Bob, couldnt resist. Erm it does mention schnitzel and crisp apple streudles, they're German

retired_amyslack

The Fallout

The German FA were appalled at their team’s performance in the Confederation Cup, their anger and dismay magnified by the fact that the tournament had taken place on home soil. Stefan was invited to explain his actions at an extraordinary general meeting of the Board and he had to be at his most persuasive to hang on to his job. After a very narrow vote in his favour he realised that he needed to be a little more circumspect in his actions and that he would have to get a couple of decent results under his belt. His task was made easier by the fact that the next major tournament was the 2006 World Cup and Germany had already qualified as hosts. The FA had arranged a few warm-up games in advance of the tournament so a win here and there should be enough to keep him in the job until then.

By naming a squad of established players and using fairly sensible tactics Stefan engineered wins over Hungary and Austria. With the FA and the press being lulled into a false sense of security the fake Klinsmann began planning his assault on the World Cup.

retired_amyslack

Towards The World Cup

There was great excitement in the German press as the draw was made for the group stages of the World Cup. The hosts were placed in Group G alongside the USA, Romania and Ghana and the general consensus was that the team should have no great trouble in securing qualification. There was one final warm-up game scheduled in advance of the tournament and by coincidence it would be against fellow Group G side Romania.

Stefan decided that it was time to wind up the press once more and his squad announcement for the friendly certainly had the desired effect.

“You may not be aware of my deep interest in ancient Chinese philosophy but it is a subject that has fascinated me for some time now. Strange reading for a mere football man, you might think, but not all football men are unintelligent. During the Han dynasty, around 200 BC, the various strands of Chinese philosophical thinking were organised into a number of schools. Some are relatively well known. For instance the YinYang philosophers studied the nature of the cosmos and attempted to account for all of its changes in terms of two fundamental principles, the Yin and the Yang. There is also the school of the Dao or Way, which attempted to understand the ultimate principles of reality and to offer a fundamentally different concept of social organization.

But my personal interest is in a concept based around the thinking of Wan Hung Lo who conceived the idea of Wu Hsing or the five material agents (wood, fire, earth, metal and water). Accordingly I have made my squad selection based on the German translation of those elements (Holz, Feuer, Erde, Metall and Wasser) and I have selected players whose names contain these words. I am confident that this will tap into the power of this fundamental philosophy, bringing great harmony to the team and harnessing the awesome power of nature to great effect.”

Having been reassured by Stefan’s selection for the last couple of games the press listened open-mouthed to his latest bizarre pronouncement before all hell broke loose. Stefan made a mad dash for the exit and hid himself away until match day.

The game itself started well, Romania scoring virtually straight from the kick-off. But then striker Michael Holzer scored twice before half time and Stefan was forced to bring him off because he was playing too well, Thomas Holz replacing him. At the same time he removed keeper Heinz Scholz who was also proving to be unacceptably competent. During the second half midfielders Mario Scholze and Daniel Farenholz were also replaced by Christian Holzer and Stefan Holzinger as they were also playing too well. With 20 minutes remaining Stefan made a last throw of the dice, removing substitute keeper Tammo Feuerherdt who was also proving to be half decent, and replacing him with central defender Soren Holz. That finally did the trick, Romania equalising late on – a draw was better than a win but Stefan was still unhappy with the final result.

retired_embartl

excellent! Material elements

Mike..

&lt;Reads the last update, picks himself up off the floor, wonders where it can possibly go for the World Cup finals&gt;