retired_hamawandi

September Summary

"Goddamn soccerball, what kinda moron come up with a game where y'all can't pick the ball up wherever ya feels like it"

These words spoken after a 2-2 draw with Columbus, which turned a win into a draw after a dodgy penalty for handball in the final minute.

The run of draws continued on the 10th at home to the Metrostars, before Hank flipped, went totally mental and dropped all his regulars for the trip to San Jose, and shockingly saw Dc come from 2-0 down to win 3-2 with Santino Quaranta coming in from the cold and netting a 3 minute hat-trick on 85,86, and 87 minutes.

Hank felt vindicated, and his small knowledge of soccerball was masked by the luck in the result.

A few days later DC returned to San Jose for the US Cup Semi-Final and won 2-1, Quaranta again staking his claims for a first team place.

Hank dropped him for the next match against L.A, possibly because he really does know diddly-squat about anything, but DC continued their good run, winning 2-1 with goals from Ruiz and Olsen, to end the month without defeat.

Hank celebrated. Had a corner been turned? Hank partied the night away, waking up with his underpants on his head, and a toad in his ear several hundred miles away in Memphis the next morning.

What a night.

retired_hamawandi

I.R.S Office, downtown Washington, sometime before lunch, but not too late, ooh lets say, about half eleven.

Hokey Fundlecross stroked the dying fish in his lap and bit his lip.

He didn't know why the fish was dying. He had taken it out for its morning drag around the office as per usual, but today was different. The Koi Carp had spluttered and coughed all morning, and was gasping for breath on Hokey's lap.

The fish gave one last judder and was silent. Hokey strode to the bin and dropped the fish in, with a deep degree of sorrow, his brow doused in sweat and his cheeks red from all the crying.

Someone was going to pay for his loss. He was mad. He meant business.

Hokey Fundlecross had been the main tax fraud expert in Washington for 17 years, working at the I.R.S office with a great team of support workers and until 3 minutes ago, his magical tax-fraud solving fish.

He glanced through his tears at the stack of papers on his desk. All new in that week, the latest fraudsters trying to hoodwink the almighty dollar. The first sheet of paper stared him back in the face.

Name: George Bush

He chucked the paper away and muttered to himself, "Aw he's always there, ah ain't gonna arrest the president. Ah'll have to put a memo out to tell 'em to stop puttin' his name here in this here pile."

The second name appeared on the next piece of paper. He smiled. He was going to take out his fish related rage and nail this guy good and proper. The name?

Hank Spankem

retired_hamawandi

The desk of Hokey Fundlecross

Hank had been a bad boy. He had paid no tax the past year, despite being employed by DC United for the best part of it.

He was defrauding the good ol' US of A.

But Hokey had an ulterior motive.

Aside from the death of the fish, which instilled a sense of uncontrollable rage, he and Hank went a long way back. In fact they went to Kindergarten together.

And did Hokey like Hank?

Flashback to sometime deep in the past, at Kindergarten

Hokey Fundlecross lay on his side, soap bubbles burbling from his open mouth. His face was contorted in agony.

When you are 6, this is a confusing situation to be in. It isn't something that happens every day at Kindergarten.

Well, it does if you are at Kindergarten with Hank Spankem.

Hank took a long run-up. The time for experimentation was through. The subject was full of soap, and the stomach was in clear view.

His fat little legs began to charge towards Hokey, and Hank's mean fat red face huffed and puffed as he closed in on his target.

Several seconds later Hokey blew a huge soap bubble towards the ceiling and roared in pain. Hank stood over him.

"Hot dang Hokey, did y'all see that there soap bubble. Ah always wondered what'd happen if i done kicked ya hard enough."

Hokey didn't reply.

Hank spat some tobacco at him.

"Y'all just stupid Hokey. You's no fun. Ah'm gonna play with that new girl Mary-Bob. Ah likes her. She lives in that trailer down on the interstate. Her maw and paw ain't alive no more on account of fallin' into a ravine down Utah way. She's more fun than you, plus she says when ah'm older she'll done marry me."

Hokey groaned.

"Ah hate ya Hank, ah'll gitcher back one day. You're a darn tootin' villain."

Back in the present Hokey smiled at the memory, typed out a letter to Hank informing him of his tax situation, rubber stamped it and sent it off.

Hank wasn't the kinda guy who liked surprisin'.

retired_jgirl87

:thup:

This is superb.

retired_hamawandi

Cheers Spav! Here's some more

Rich

retired_hamawandi

October Summary

Hank didn't go to Kansas on the 8th Oct for the mundane 0-0 draw. He spent some time in Vegas, gamblin' and drinkin' with his fancy women. He was unseen until the 15th when a he showed up just before kick off to witness DC win 1-0 against Dallas, conveniently claiming the plaudits, claiming he was scouting in the midwest all that time.

Te next game was a biggie, the US Cup Quarter Final 1st Leg away to Chicago, and Hank was all fired up. He gave a rousing speech before the game, which involved a condemnation of all the following nations:

Hanks condemnation list

Mexico
Canada
Iowa [sic]
Mexico
Mexico
Belgiumland
Alaska [sic]
Canada
Mexico
Mexico
El Salvador
Haiti
Mexico
Franceland
Englandland
Londonland
AntarcticPolarBearLand
The axis of evil (including Mexico)

In the event, Dani secured a 2-1 win and the vitriolic speech was worth it.

The 26th of October saw DC go to L.A and Ruiz score two headers to take a 2-1 vicory back to the 'hood.

The MLS Quarter Final was wrapped up on the 29th with a 4-1 win over Chicago, Cerci scoring all the goals.

Hank ended the month by signing a Swedish 17 year old Alvedin Nezirovac on a free transfer. Possessing no skill whatsoever it was a puzzling scenario, at least until his mom turned up to training.

Hank shook a lot of grateful hands that day.

retired_hamawandi

Hanks Apologies

"Due to a slight **** up in the admin department here at DC United, mah biographer Richey has made a few slight errors. They are as follows.

The 2 matches against Chicago were the MLS playoff quarter finals, which were won.

The Final of the U.S. Cup was the game against L.A. which was won.

Ah'd like to apologise for mah incompetent biographer, he's clearly nothin' but a yellow-bellied bum steer."

retired_hamawandi

November update

The season ended in disappointment for Hank, as after being on a high from the US Cup victory and MLS playoff quarter final, his team travelled to Columbus on the 5th of November and lost 2-0 in a one-legged Semi Final.

DC United finished an atrocious 4th place in the Eastern Conference, and fans booed throughout the night outside Hanks house where he took pot shots through a window with a set of antique duelling pistols.

Ruiz and Cerci were the leading DC scorers for the season, and Ben Olsen was the highest rated player in the MLS.

Hank clearly knew zero about soccerball. The next season was his last chance.

The last chance saloon.

retired_hamawandi

One mid-November afternoon

Hank put on his gold rimmed, tinted aviator glasses, put his favourite hat on, the rhinestone studded black one, with a double wide brim. With his sweaty hand he buttoned up his black velveteen waist-jacket with his sunburnt hairy arms exposed.

Vrooommmmmmm

The Harley revved as the rotund man hit the gas pedal.

“Mary-Bob!” he roared, “Ah’m goin’ ridin’!”

He fired up his 4ft long cigar as Mary-Bob came running into the garage.

“Hank you rotten ol’ dawg”, she screamed, “Ah’m givin’ birth. Mah waters done broke…. You gotta git me to the E.R.”

He pushed his sunglasses up his nose and clamped his teeth round his cigar.

“Ah’ll be danged if ah’m a gonna tek yer to hospital when ah’m goin’ ridin’. Yous gonna have to reschedule you lousy sonofa…”

He revved up the ‘bike to within an inch of its life and roared out of the garage, wobbling slightly, clipping the kerb before careering into the neighbours cabbage patch and ultimately the cast iron mailbox. There was a loud scream, a crash and a mind-blowing noise of twisted metal.

“Mary-Bob”, a forlorn voice whimpered, “Git your lazy ass out here and git me to hospital. Ah think ah done broke both mah arms!”

retired_hamawandi

Later That Day

"Ah don't like much the look of him Mary-Bob. For one thing, he don't got no teeth."

Mary-Bob lay in her hospital bed, while Hank sat next to her, both arms in plaster peering down at the baby.

"Aw Hank", she cooed, "He's just a 'lil ol' baby."

"Well", he mused, "He's got one hell of a suspicious face Mary-Bob, ah swear ah seen him before."

"No Hank, you int seen him before, he been done born only fifteen minutes ago."

Hank narrowed one eye, spat into a nearby spitoon and jabbed the infant in the chest with a chubby finger.

"Ah've got mah eye on yew pardner, Hank Spankem don't git fooled easily no sirree bob he does not."

With that, he wedged his hat on his rotund head, hocked some tobacco in the face of the nearest nurse, and with a wailing Mary-Bob in his wake stormed out.