Mike..

Quality

retired_aurie

ROFL :thup:

I've been picking myself up off the floor time and again while reading this. Goes great with some Blue Collar Comedy in Winamp

retired_jgirl87

Excellent writing - a joy to read. KUTGW :cool:

retired_hamawandi

Wow guys, thanks very much. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Hank'll be updating more on Monday I think!

Rich

retired_amyslack

You know, I have this wonderful mental picture of Hank and his family - please don't stop :thup:

retired_hamawandi

After training, last day in June.

"Now gather round y'all" bellowed Hank, in his white velveteen hat, studded with mother of pearl, "Ah've bin hearin things mah lil' ole ears don't be wantin' ter hear!"

His gaze fixed upon Chris Carrieri, the good ol' boy Hank raved so much about in his team briefing. So much for first impressions eh?

"Ah think there's a few o'ya behavin' themselves like Demmycrats, backstabbin' and spreadin' muck around like mah Uncle Georgie-Lou after a good ole fashioned hoe down."

His left eye winked several times involuntarily in the sunlight, causing him to briefly look like a threatening pirate from 1603.

Chris Carrieri looked at the floor.

"Well Boss" Carrieri mumbled in his Bronx accent, "I bin supposin' you aint knowin' too much about what you doin'. Ah want ter be up at the top, not down the bottom."

Hank went up to Carrieri and eyeballed him.

"Ah did NOT ask fer yer opinion, you'n be behavin' lower than a bum steer at a rodeo for Mexicans", he roared, spittle covering the face of the unfortunate player.

He continued, "Ah may know nuthin' about this here game soccerball but ah do know fer certain Mr New York goddamn City, come the end of this season, you ain't gonna be mah quarterback no more..."

Several players tried to interject.

"An... do NOT innerupt me when ah'm talkin' fellers, ah'm the shoutiest man on the East coast."

Pause.

"Now... ah appear to have put mah leg in a goddamn hole from all the stampin' cussin' and so on and so forth, so ah'd really 'preciate your help. Ah've got a few more points ah'd like to discuss, such as..."

The players walked away silently leaving Hank one knee buried deep in the muddy turf.

"Hey fellas, help me out... ah said..."

Shoutin' an' screamin' were of no use. Hank had lost the team.

It was time for Spankem to cut down on the spankin' and ratchet up the rankings.

3 days later

"Ain't no-one gonna help me... ah haven't had me a burger in 3 days, and ah can't reach mah shooter to shoot me any goddamn woodchucks neither. Goddamn Mexicans, goddamn Canadians an' Demmycrats. Goddamn Washington, goddamn Mary-Bob and goddamn to you Mr Hank Spankem, 'ats anuther fine ole mess yer in."

So on and so forth for several days thereafter.

retired_hamawandi

A fine June mornin'

Hank loved a bit of Country and Western. He sat back in his La-Z-Boy chair and flicked on 100.3fm Hillbilly Radio. He closed his eyes and relaxed to the refreshing upbeat stylings of ‘Texan Pete and the Cowpokes’.

Oklahoma (Y’all)

Yee-ha y’all, grab yer pardner y’all,

Down Oklahoma way, ah fell off of ma hoss,
He jumped an bucked an squealed,
An ah done bumped mah head,
An threw up several meals.

Down Oklahoma way, ah found mahself a dame,
She had one leg and had no brain,
She said her name was Wayne.
Ah picked her up an hurled her round,
An ah felt mah ankle sprain.

Down Oklahoma way, woke up in hospital,
Ah had to sign a form,
So the good Doc he sawed off mah foot,
Ah had no anaesthetic, an ah squealed an squealed in pain.
Now ah walk like a Demmycrat, limpin’ like the lame.

Down Oklahoma way, payin’ medical bills,
An ah had no insurance,
To pay them good ol’ doctors fees,
They lookin’ at me with apathy,
Like ah had some disease,
Yeah, so when I was down Oklahoma way,
They sawed off both mah knees.

retired_hamawandi

July Summary

There is nothing like the word 'crap' to describe a series of games. The word 'crap' could therefore be applied to all of DC United's games in July as Hank started to feel the pressure of Soccerball management.

"This danged game don't make no sense," he roared in post match interviews. "Ah just don't git why ah can't put more men on the field; it seems awful dumb not havin' timeouts and them lines on the pitch look kinda stoopid."

Anyhow, on the 2nd July DC spluttered to a 0-0 home draw with New England, before several days later DC had 4 players called up for the Eastern All-Stars in the All-Stars game, won by the East on penalties after a 1-1 draw. Hank didn't go to that game, he was watching a naked rodeo on the television, live from Kansas.

On the 13th July Dc hosted Pittsburgh in the 3rd round of the US Cup and Hank scored a reprieve with his team winning 5-0, with a hat-trick from Eskandarian and brace from defender Brandon Owens.

Normality resumed on the 16th when DC went to Chicago and drew 1-1, before losing to Columbus 2-0 four days later.

The 23rd saw DC travel to Kansas to win 1-0. Hank was absent for illness reasons, but was spotted at a naked rodeo atop a very frightened looking horse, enveloped in the immense flab from his sizeable girth.

The 30th July saw a 1-1 draw with Colorado, Justin Moose netting a 97th minute equaliser, to set off some raucous celebratory shootin' from the DC bench, as Hank ran a lap of the pitch firin' his Colt .45 into the air. By the time he completed the lap it was the 1st of August and the stadium was completely deserted.

retired_hamawandi

A hot evening, August the 1st

Hank was a fightin’ man. Never letting adversity get the better of him was something he took great pride in. The latest run of poor form was really starting to ratchet up the pressure gauge. Hank opened the Spankem family history volume number 9 for a bit of inspiration from the past.

Spankem Histories, Volume IX – Big Tex Spankem 1831-79

Big Tex finished suppin’ his whisky, and smashed the glass on the floor for no reason except he was really hard and no-one would stop him. His hat, riddled with bullets from duels past, sat on the table next to his eyepatch and his favourite shooter.

A funny-lookin’ man eased through the saloon door and looked about. Hank pushed his chair back.

“Ah hope yer aint thinkin’ of comin’ over here friend,” he drawled, “for mah gun is fully loaded and ah’ve had a skinful o’the good stuff.”

The stranger turned and was headed for the exit, when Big Tex opened fire, yellin’ “Yee-Haw pardner” at the top of his lungs as the defenceless stranger died in a blistering hail of bullets.

Big Tex sidled over to the stranger, face down in a pool of blood.

“Ah don’t much like the look of yew stranger…” he declared.

The dead body didn’t reply on account of being…well, dead.

“Ah said…” re-iterated Big Tex, “Ah DON’T much like the look…”

He was cut off by little George the stableboy. “Big Tex, ah think he’s dead”

“Don’t nobody tells Big Tex what to do”, he snarled, before turning his attention back to the bloody corpse, firing off another round, before downing 3 whiskies on an adjacent table.

He stomped back to his table. “If anyone else thinks they kin dang well challenge me, step forward now, or forever hold yer peace.” He wedged his Stetson onto his head.

A lone voice piped up.

“Ah challenge ya Tex, ah ain’t afraid of yer shoutin’ hollerin’ ways.”

Tex looked up, and his eyes rounded with fear. His jaw dropped and his knuckles went white.

The Milkybar Kid.

He got up and bolted for the door, swung his backside up onto his horse and galloped away as fast as he could.

“The Milkybars are on me!”, the freckle-faced youngster chirruped, as hordes of children descended with cheers and laughter.


Back in the present, Hank slammed the book shut angrily.

“Damn coward” he muttered, “Ah must’ve been readin’ the wrong book.”

retired_hamawandi

August Summary

The good run of form continued in the US Cup 4th round as Dallas were dispatched back to JFK-land in a 4-0 defeat, Ruiz and Cerci doing the damage.. The 6th saw Metrostars beaten away 3-1, with Gros, Dani and Cerci on top form. a hiatus followed for international games, after which DC succumbed 2-0 to New England, before recovering 4 days later to beat New England 3-0 at home, Olsen netting along with Ruiz, who added another couple to his collection. The month ended with a 1-1 in Chicago, Carrieri making the most of his time on the pitch to score.

It had been a better month. Hank was pleased. The run of form seemed to co-incide with the removal of tobacco spittin' from training at the request of his assistant manager. Hank wasn't best pleased to be in charge of a bunch of liberal sissies, but they seemed to be playing better.