flipsix3

Simply brilliant Richey, I'm almost tempted to apply for Mexican citizenship just to see the reaction

Richey

Brief Musical Interlude

Hanks first game was on the 2nd April against New England in the League, so he had a month or so to get his knowledge up to scratch, and watch the players train.

There was also the small matter of the North American Champions Cup to contend with, having freakishly won the MLS the previous season. Hank was not in charge of the squad, the Assistant Manager being put in charge. Taupo, of some random South American country were spanked 6-0 on aggregate as Hank fell asleep in the stands, and subsequently refused to go to the second leg away because leaving the United States was an "Un-natural sin, plus there might be Mexicans."

The Quarter Final draw comprised of 4 U.S. Teams and 4 Mexican teams, and guess what? DC United were drawn against the mighty Cruz Azul.

The first leg took part in Mexico, with Hank choosing to stay behind, apoplectic with rage at Mexico in general. DC lost 3-1 with Dani netting a consolation. On their arrival home Hank did his shouty stuff.

"Yer all a buncha lily livered no good down dirty skunks. Y'all don't deserve nuthin'"

The second leg Hank attended, marshalled by state troopers, who confiscated his Colt .45 3 minutes in when he started to take pot-shots at opposing fans while hollering' "Yee-Ha" at the top of his voice.

DC won 2-1 with goals from Stokes and Gros, but exited, along with all the other U.S teams. The post match interview with Hank demonstrated a man consumed with rage as he learnt no American teams had qualified for the semi-finals, which was an all Mexican affair.

In the end he had to be restrained from attacking the opposition team, the interviewer and a small pot plant with a suspicious looking branch.

Slightly irrelevant to the story it may be, but 3 weeks later Hank was issued a restraining order, barring him being within 3 light years of Mexico.

Richey

April 1st

Hank was enjoying a late afternoon slob on the hammock outside his house. The hammock was on the floor as he had no trees to tie it to, but he didn't notice too much. Simple country folk like him had no use for comfort.

"Mary-Bob" he yelled, "Get yer lazy-ass butt outta there and help me git up, I gotta go pee."

He waited but she didn't come.

"Goddamn ladies, whats a boy like me gotta do ter get rid of mah excess fluids round here..." he muttered, while flailing around for something to hoist himself up.

There was nothing.

He started to roll sideways towards the house. The thought disgusted him. Only Commies and Demmycrats rolled sideways. He was an All-American boy and no sirree bob, this was a disgrace. Mary-Bob'd be sleepin' with the Dog tonight.

At that instant, the woman in question came running out of the house, eyes red and holding in her left hand a white stick.

"Hank...Hank, ah'm pregnant agin, You gone an' knocked me up. Ah said ah didn't want no more babies, not after we lost the other 6..."

"Hell woman, that weren't mah fault, how was ah to know they'd all be funny lookin'. They all looked like Jimmy-Jo the postmaster... and ah aint knocked yer up woman. Ah aint been near ya fer weeks..."

"No Hank... Ah'm 3 months gone, we musta bin drunk, and Jimmy-Jo int talkin' to me no more, not after you shot his wife."

"Well she had some awful funny smell about her Mary-Bob, an' she looked at me funny. Guys gotta do whata guys gotta do"

There was a pause.

"C'mere Mary-Bob, ah love yew. You got the morals of a Brooklyn hooker but ah lurve yew anyhow. Lets keep this one, ah don't think Jimmy-Jo wants any more..."

"Awww Hank darlin' yer an angel. Yer always drinkin' shootin' swearin' spittin' and screwin', but ah'll always be yer Mary-Bob"

Hank, still lying prostrate on the ground looked up at her earnestly.

"Darlin' ah need a hand up... ah just gone done a pee in mah pants"

Richey

April 2nd

DC United v New England

A sell out crowd showed up for the first full game under Hank. Resplendent in an aquamarine diamante studded suit, he prowled the touchline, bellowing at the 'quarterback' and the 'defensive guard' to hit a three pointer. At half time he threw a lit cigar at his own coaches in confusion. He was aiming at the referee, because he'd been told when the referee blew his whistle it was customary to throw a wobbly regardless of whether the decision was for his team or not. On this occasion it was a penalty for DC, which Alessio Cerci missed. The game ended 1-1 with Eskandarian scoring for DC. It was a fairly low key game, but Hank enjoyed shouting at them afterwards, and fined 2 players for poor performance, even though they were rated '9' by the local press.

On his way home he shot himself a woodchuck as reward.

"Darn tootin", were his words to the media.

Hank Spankem had arrived, the Jose Mourinho of North America, only without the knowledge, panache, flair, knowledge, dress sense, tactical awareness, and knowledge.

Richey

Thanks attjen and flipsix3. Your praise means a lot!

Richey

April Summary

On the 6th of April DC stumbled to a 2-0 loss in Chicago, followed up by a dour 0-0 with Columbus. Hank then got confused when two faces turned up at training, and introduced themselves as new recruits.

Matthew Tipton had joined for 230k from Macclesfield and Dave Mackay for 200k from Oxford.

Hank didn't know where England was (or Wales for that matter), but after 3 hours of intense questioning and torture, he deduced they weren't Mexicans.

The next game on the 16th April saw DC draw 2-2 with Metrostars in New Jersey. Hanks post match tirade focused not on the 88th minute wonder goal by Eskandarian, but on his grievances against Abraham Lincoln and the immoral North.

New England were next and another 0-0 draw was on the cards, followed by an incredible 4-3 win in Colorado, featuring Tipton's first for the club, and an Eskandarian hat-trick. Hank chose to focus his post match team talk on how Colorado were a,

"Buncha cowardly wannabe cowpokes and bum steers".

And so April ended with DC 3rd in the Eastern Conference, and Hank largely praised for the mentality of the team.

Hanks mentality was off the scale however, and he fined 9 players for spittin' tobacco like Canadians during training.

Richey

May Summary

In an effort to turn a bunch of players from "spineless Commies" into "real fellas" Hank introduced a 2 hour daily addition to training. Tobacco spitting. Then afterwards they'd all go for a Burger King and do some 'fightin'', as it was good for the spirit. The men got progressively tired due to Hanks new interpretation of soccer and the month of May demonstrated it.

Hank was indicted for assault on a cop after a 1-0 reverse to Chicago on the 7th May, and then fined for shooting "funny lookin' folk" during a 3-2 reverse in Ohio at the hands of Columbus. Tipton netted twice but Hank referred to him as a "buttmunch" after the game for not being American enough. DC then went back to Colorado and surrendered in an un-Hank like fashion like lambs to the slaughter 2-0. The 21st May saw 4 penalties missed in a 0-0 draw with San Jose. Hank wasn't too upset. He didn't understand penalty kicks but noted that "some o' them other folks was gettin' mighty riled". The final game of the month on the 28th saw a meek 2-1 reverse in Los Angeles with Dani scoring from a free-kick. Hank declared that L.A was full of "Goddamn liberals" and jumped 3 traffic lights in pursuit of a man with a pointy beard.

He is expected to be privy to a $900 fine, and possibly a restraining order.

Richey

June Summary

Hank dropped the hollerin' and screamin' but instead filled the dressing room with country music and bluegrass. The two Romanian players immediately requested transfers after one such session, preferring to listen to German death metal and Girls Ahoy.

On the 4th June DC hosted San Jose and ended with a 1-1 draw. This was followed on the 8th by a 1-0 win over Kansas. "Inbred cowpokes" Hank muttered, perhaps not realising his own irony.

Adam Frye left after Hank deduced his tobacco spitting wasn't up to U.S. standards. Carlos Ruiz was signed to boost the attack in a $3.4m deal from L.A (not swapped as was in the last year of his contract. Bizarre eh?) and the fans and players began to lose confidence in good ol' boy Hank as his inferior soccerball USA knowledge shone through like a spotlight covered in poo.

The 15th June saw Metrostars defeated 2-0 with Moose and Owens netting with 2nd half headers. Ruiz made an impact against his former club on 25th June when DC triumphed 3-1 in LA as he netted once. Eskandarian and Gros finished the job.

The month ended with a damp squid in Dallas where Mike Petkes goal wasn't enough to save DC from a 3-1 reverse. Hank fumed after the game.

"We shot ourselves in the foot...just like JFK." perhaps not realising JFK was shot in Dallas, but not in the foot, and not by himself. He was roundly booed and indicted for treason against the flag. A $100 fine is pending.

Brian of Nazareth

haha This is excellent!

WLKRAS

fb, great stuff :thup: