retired_hamawandi

Midfield

Adam Frye - Ah don't like him. Looks like one of them Demmycrats.

Justin Moose - Draft pick. Looks like he knows soccerball but what do ah know?

Ben Olsen - He sure looks like he can run like the wind. He's gonna be ma quarterback.

Cristian Lucian Cigan - He's only 17, one of them Romans. He don't got no helmet either.

Joshua Gros - he got a Franceland soundin' name. Ah don't like Franceland but at least he ain't one of them Alaskans.

Dani - He looks good. He says he's from Portugal but ah aint a clue. Ah think its in Missouri near mah Uncle Eddie-Diane.

Freddy Adu - Only a kid. Movin' ter Spain tomorrow. Aint much point writin' no report.

Eliseo Quintarilla - Swears he int no Mexican but got mah eye on him.

retired_hamawandi

Attack

Alessio Cerci - Don't know why he's here. He looks far too good.

Santino Quaranta - Says he int Mexican too. Sure looks tasty though, like Ranch cheese fries.

Chris Carrieri - Draft pick. All American Republican boy. Yee Ha.

Alecko Eskandarian - He got a Commie name. Ah don't trust him. Ah reckon he done got nucular weapons pointin' at us all.

Alan Gordon - He got a Demmycrat face. Also his momma look fat.

retired_hamawandi

Hank jabbed his cigar into the chest of Freddy Adu.

"Now son, ah know you wanna go to Spain. Ah know ah can't register y'all in mah roster as yer too damn young!"

Freddy stood there impassively.

"Mah assistant Randy here, tells me I gotta let you go. No sense havin' men who don't wanna be here. It's like in 'Nam with them goddamn hippies runnin' amok. I want you off mah property, out of mah team, and get yer good fer nuthin backside off ter Spain, wherever the hell that is."

Freddy nodded, and turned away. He was signing for Real Madrid so he couldn't give one jot for Hank Spankem.

"And by the way..." Hank hollered after him, "Watch out for them Mexicans!"

retired_xs2khizar

This is fantastic KUTGW

I int no mexican neither.

retired_blondie_524

Do you sell Propane by any chance?

Make 'em all into REAL men Hank

retired_hamawandi

Gosh darn it fellas, it sure is nice to have y'all aboard

Hank's gonna spank 'em all into shape...

retired_hamawandi

Hank's Training Ground Office.

Cigar ensconced firmly between his lips, Hank looked at the round up of his players.

"Ah aint never seen a bigger bunch of girls in mah whole life, not even when ah was judging the Miss Alabama 1978 spectacular"

Randy Doorstop, his young personal assistant sat opposite him, trying to keep up with the incoherent drawl.

"Darn tootin' Mr Spankem, theys all a buncha cowpokes aint they?" he ventured.

"Ah didn't ask fer yer opinion kid... now git..." and he jabbed towards the open door with his unlit 3 foot cigar.

He sank back and jotted down on a piece of paper that although he knew nothing about soccerball USA, something needed to be done about the motley crew outside. This moment called for tact, excellent man-managing skills and acute personal awareness, coupled with an extensive knowledge of the sporting and fitness routines of the modern professional athlete. Hank was not the man to deliver these qualities.

"A goddamn bunch of Commies, Demmycrats, Mexicans and goddamn girls, goddamn it..." he roared. "They aint havin' no rest from now on, ah'm gonna git them in for training every goddamn day... ah don't care if they collapse... ah don't care if they can't walk. They're gonna goddamn work their asses off, or my name aint Hank Spankem, 3 times winner of the Shouty Award."

He whipped a Colt .45 automatic out of his holster, spun it with his pudgy fingers and went to shoot anyone who disagreed... or was Canadian, Mexican or so on.

retired_hamawandi

Home, that evening.

"Hey ma, have you seen mah underpants?"

Billy-Louise was home.

Hank buttoned up his fly and removed his hand from his groinal area. His goddamn son always showed up in the middle of the domestic appliance megabucks giveaway on the home shopping channel.

Mary-Bob sat down next to him on the settee.

"It's in the kitchen, sunshine!" she yelled.

Hank grimaced and said nothing.

"Ah hope yer sure pleased wit yerself Hank. He's right miserable now his marriage aint legal in this state. It aint fair on the piggy neither. They was in love, ya hear me Hank? Ya hear me?"

Hank spat out tobacco into a new silver spittoon and turned to face her.

"Ah hear you sweet-pea. Ah hear ya. Right now ah'm concentratin' on this here shopping channel."

Mary-Bob started to sob.

"Gee Mary-Bob, quit yer whinin'. Y'all beginnin' to really grate on mah nerves. Ah always knew ah shoulda married Ellen-Roger from High School..."

"But she was mute Hank... and she was blind..."

"Yeah... exactly... now quit yer hollerin' and go fix me some pie."

She got up and ran off, crying hysterically.

Hank sighed and put his hands inside his trousers again.

"Ah... now there aint nothin' better on this green earth than watchin' good ol' lawnmowers... so cheap and all..."

He fell asleep in his chair. Happy with the way things were going.

In the morning, he decided, he was going to get his backside off to training, and Hank was gonna start some serious spankin'.

retired_hamawandi

Nice to hear you int no mexican. Hank'd sign you up fer sure...

retired_swmchick2006

"It's funny, because it's true."