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Scotty Black hadn't stopped doing car noises since landing the manager's job at Vauxhall Motors two hours earlier. His wife was fed up with it, his kids were fed up with it (except baby Justin who loved it), in fact if he was honest Scotty himself was fed up with it. So he stopped.
His interview had been a great success. The chairman was not the most 'with-it' sort of a guy and as a result he had somehow mistaken Scotty's determination to flood the squad with over-30 year old Scottish rejects for a masterplan for success. Selling the under 25s was another key component and Scotty got right to work on that.
A middle aged gentleman who may or may not have been on the board had the nous to query it, but he lost any air of competence when he happily accepted Scotty's reasoning of "the Bob said to do it". Few who read that sentence will do so without cringing at it's construction.
And so it was the Motormen came to be the Old Fat Scottish Motormen, a moniker I've invented myself. Surely there could be no question that glory was but a heartbeat away?
02-01-2006, 03:31 PM
Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (The Challenge of the Ages) Post #2
Fortunately for Scotty you never have to travel far before finding a fat unemployed Scotsman. The following (which includes a couple of English wannabes) found gainful (questionable, Ed) employment amongst Scotty's mob of lovable losers:
Goalkeepers (sic)
Jonathan Gould - Two international caps for Scotland say more about the paucity of talent around the turn of the century than anything else. Bags of experience with Celtic, Preston, Coventry and Bradford, but importantly old, fat and Scottish.
Nicky Walker - Two international caps for Scotland say more about the paucity of talent in the 80s and 90s than anything else. Bags of experience with Rangers, Hearts and Aberdeen, but importantly old, fat and Scottish. Also took on a coaching role.
Defenders
Michael Hall - Time spent with Stenhousemuir, East Stirling and latterly East Fife yielded little indication that Hall possesses any footballing ability. Importantly old, fat and Scottish.
Ian Baines - Signed from Marine for no fee. English, but really, really old.
Andrew Jeffrey - Formerly with Cambridge and Kilmarnock, the fullback is not a real talent, but is importantly old, fat and Scottish.
John Alllison - Old, fat, Scottish and with a long service record at clubs like Forfar, Raith and East Fife.
Allan Davies - Signed from Ilkeston after years at Worcester and Burton, Davies is old, old, old. An Englishman though, so unlikely to feature.
Neil Hudson - Also signed from Ilkeston, also English, also old. Very much his own man however, though evidence of this will be tough to find. Lives in Allan Davies' basement.
Hugh Houston - The ex-Irvine Meadow player looks amongst the best of the defenders acquired. He is old, fat and Scottish, so more than adequate for a starting berth.
Tony Smith - Another familiar face after years spent with Airdrie, Hearts and Dundee United, Smith is now old, fat and Scottish. He was also available which made him an intuitive addition.
02-01-2006, 04:43 PM
Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (The Challenge of the Ages) Post #4
Peter Atkinson - Guiseley's left sided midfielder can also play at left back and versatility is always a bonus. English, but pretty damn old.
Carl Spellman - Scotty inherited three 30+ players, Spellman was one of them. He's hopeless, more or less.
Steve Circuit - The English wide man arrived on a free, but has the required advancing years to play a role.
David Robinson - Yet another Englishman, but at just 30 is the baby of the squad.
Steve Fulton - The former Falkirk, Hearts and Kilmarnock pie eating fatboy is now even fatter, older and equally Scottish.
Carl Nesbitt - Another inherited squad member, Carl is OK, no more, no less.
Derek Rae - Old, fat, Scottish, well travelled, competent. What more can a manager ask for?
Dougie Coulston - The right winger has spent much of his career bouncing around the lower Scottish divisions after failing to break through at Livingston. Old, fat, Scottish, checks all the boxes.
Paul Crompton - Another English addition, his age is pretty much all he has going for him.
Stuart Mackay - Inverness Clack, Alloa, East Fife, Peterhead and Stenhousemuir have all tired of this fat, old Scots midfielder. Scotty loves him.
Forwards
Peter Cumiskey - The last of the inherited players, Cumiskey is a burly, veteran forward.
Barry Lavety - Old, fat, Scottish junkie who spends more time off his face than training. Or at least that's the perception. In fact he's just old, fat and Scottish. No drugs in this squad, except the occasional betablocker.
Jason Young - Another veteran striker added for his wiles and FMS pedigree. Old, fat, Scottish, perfect.
Steve McCormick - Old, Scottish, and yes - fat. Steve has plyed his trade all over and is now ready to find his spiritul home somewhere between Chester and Liverpool, wherever it is Vauxhall Motors play.
They'll be dancing on the streets of Vauxhall tonight.
02-01-2006, 07:08 PM
Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (The Challenge of the Ages) Post #5
Scotty glanced nervously at the Conference North table. After six games of the season his side had one once and drawn once for a total of four points. Since then four consecutive wins and a disappointing draw at bottom side Alfreton had lifted them into the playoff mix.
It had all gone badly wrong for his strikers Lavety and Young from the off. Three 1-0 defeats and a goalless draw in the first four weeks hadn't been a glowing mark on their resumés, but when the defence finally gave up two in a game they responded with three to grab the team's first win. Defeat the next week was a setback, then losing to St Albans in an FA Cup replay subdued the support, but the good times were about to roll.
Jason Young opened the scoring at Worcester, but with five minutes of the game remaining the sides were locked at 1-1. Nothing that had gone before could have prepared the crowd for what followed though as Carl Nesbitt fired what seemed sure to be an 86th minute winner. It was not to be. Leon Kelly levelled two minutes into injury time, and as the Worcester support made for the exits happy to have grabbed a point from their underrated visiors 41 year old Tony Ellis, signed days earlier from Hyde, pounced to hand Scotty's men the points.
That dramatic finale really fired the team up and Ellis' old side were made to pay as they visited the Vauxhall Sports Ground a week later. Young, Andrew Jeffrey, Ellis and Stuart Mackay guiding the Motormen to an easy 4-0 win. Kettering were expected to return the upstarts to reality at Rockingham Road, but Ellis grabbed his fourth goal in five substitute appearances to hand Scotty a third consecutive win. Nuneaton suffered a 5-0 reverse when they came to call, Nesbitt (2), Young (2) and an own goal making the difference before the winning stopped abruptly at bottom side Alfreton, Young twice equalising, the second occasion deep into stoppage time, to secure a point.
The upsurge in form had been welcome, but for all the goals, it was the form of newly acquired Ian Brightwell from Macclesfield that steadied the ship. At 37 he is past his prime, but that's how Scotty likes them. And at least Brighty has his 4 England u21 caps to remember from a long and unsuccessful career.
02-07-2006, 06:51 PM
Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (The Challenge of the Ages) Post #10
Injuries not only to Walker and Gould, but emergency signing Simon Bishop in goals led to the likes of Andrew Jeffrey and Steve McCormick actually starting games between the posts. Injuries to Brightwell and Young meant Scotty was left with no defence and no goals. One win in ten games later and relegation was once more a real possibility as the season reached its climax.
With Nicky Walker back from hip replacement surgery the side hoped to rally, but he was almost as bad as the outfielders had been, so Jonny Gould was jushed back into the starting XI as soon as he was half fit. That occasion coincided with a game at Stalybridge which started well enough with Jason Young converting an early penalty and Stalybridge being reduced to ten men before the interval. Still it was 1-1 soon enough as Gould couldn't react quickly enough to a header and 1-2 shortly thereafter. A triple substitution at half time included the return of Walker to goalkeeping duty, but without a second goal even his best efforts were worthless. Fortunately a second goal came when the ball bounced off captain Dougie Coulston's arse and found the top corner. A point was saved and a new dawn was hailed by the three guys who travelled to support the team.
Still, with five games to go Scotty's side were tied for second-bottom place on 42 points from 37 fixtures. Harrogate were next up as Gould approached something like full fitness. Pleasantly his clean sheet was never seriously threatened and the side picked up a valuable point. Eleven shots on goal were produced by the two teams. Not on was on target.
Droylsden handed out a 2-0 beating on the next matchday and suddenly sole possession of a relegation spot had been achieved. Jonathan Gould re-injured his hamstring and brought his season to a close.
With money syphoned away to pay the wages for Scotty's own new contract the board decided to prevent my attempts to add further salaries to next season's wage bill. With some deals already done it wasn't terminal, but this was not looking like a club on the up and up.
It was Brightwell who made a comeback in the next fixture - a home game with Leigh RMI. If Gould had been fit it would seem likely a strong defensive performance would follow, but with Walker, who knew. A red card for Michael Hall on the hour should probably have killed of Vauxhall Motors, but less than fifteen minuets later it was 10-a-side and Tony Ellis' ninetieth minute goal handed Scotty's side a sensational victory.
Victory at home to Hucknall would put the seal on survival, with the only other achievable target Jason Young's pursuit of 20 goals - he needed three from the final two fixtures. Losing a goal just before half time though put Scotty's men on the back foot, but Young equalised with twenty minutes to go, giving new life to both challenges.
One more game, one more chance. With Young needing two goals to hit twenty and only a point needed against third placed Hednesford to stay up it had the potential to be a good day. Eight minutes in it had the potential to be a nightmare as Hednesford took the lead. The game ended 1-0 so it was time for an anxious wait to see firstly if either Stalybridge or Worcester had won and next if either had achieved a superior goal difference over the course of the season.
Tick tock.
Redditch 3 Worcester 1, hurrah.
Tick tock.
Stalybridge 1 Barrow 1, YES!
Scotty had done the impossible and kept Vauxhall Motors in the Conference North.
Well, I say impossible because it sounds better. In actual fact he'd simply managed to gather sufficient points early on to survive a near-disasterous collapse. Next year would be a new story.
Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number (The Challenge of the Ages) 
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