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The cell was dark, damp and smelly. There was unintelligible graffiti on the wall, and around me five or six swarthy looking men sat staring at me, muttering unintelligible phrases. For all I know, they could have telling me my flies were undone, or that they were about to kick my head in. I had no idea. I was unsure if their gibberish was a result of my having gone completely insane, or if perhaps they had. Either way, it was a pretty frightening experience as I huddled into the corner of the room, trying to ignore the world around me, hoping it or they would just go away.
I have no recollection of how I got here. Or even of where ‘here’ is. The last thing I remember is I was at my stag party, getting very drunk and being tied naked to a lamp post outside my local pub in my home town of Wrexham. Not that this was my first marriage. In fact, it would be my fourth. Success as an international football player brings with it much wealth, many glamorous women. But it rarely allows for a stable family environment, and as a player I think its fair to say I was an obnoxious wide boy. I made a lot of money from football in the end, although it wasn’t always that way and if I had been at my peak now, I would have ended up even richer I guess. But such is life and I would still make a lot of money as a manager. Not that I needed it.
I guess I must have passed out tied to that lamppost, and a passing PC Plod had taken me into custody. That still didn’t explain why I couldn’t understand a word of what these people were saying. I started to wonder what day it was, and realised that from the night of my stag party I was getting married two days later to the most gorgeous 17 year old I had ever set eyes on. Less than half my 43 years of age, and gagging for it, she wore me out every night, and it was a good job I had retired from playing as I’d never have had the stamina. That and the fact she would only have been 10 years old when I retired. They said she was only after my money, but apart from my first wife whom I think really did love me at the time, that was nothing new and it didn’t bother me. What’s money when you can shag a beautiful young girl every night? Her parents of course were not pleased, but then it wasn’t really any of their business was it.
Panic gripped me as I wondered how long I had been here. It surely could not have been more than an overnight? Yet what if I had lain here unconscious for a couple of days? If I missed that wedding I’d never forgive myself. And neither would she. I didn’t know what to do about it though, and my body could not rise above my fear and sat rigidly in its place. If I closed my eyes, it might be that no one would see me. I sat, waiting for something to happen. Eventually the door opened, some things were thrown into the room which turned out to be food. I didn’t get any, as the other men greedily snapped it up, but truth was I really wasn’t hungry and so it didn’t matter. How long would I have to remain here?
I must have fallen asleep, because when I next came to conscious awareness it was pitch black, what little light there had been was gone. Around me I could hear deep breathing and quiet snoring, indicating that the others were sleep. Suddenly I felt the pressure on my bladder and I needed to pee quite badly. Problem was, I had no idea where the toilet was. If there even was one. As I sat there in desperation, it dawned on me I might have no other choice than to simply let go. It wouldn’t make much difference anyway to the smell and dirt in here I guessed. Luckily I didn’t have to stoop that far, as at that moment the door opened, and a shaft of light entered. A huge giant of a man headed toward me, pointing and shouting, in an accent that clearly wasn’t Welsh.
You! Come now. Follow me!
Not only was I intimidated by the size of the man, but he was waving a gun about in my face. I moved as fast as my legs could carry me……
12-21-2004, 01:06 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #2
I followed as fast as I could as the guard led me through a maze of corridors that passed in a blur. We passed one or two other guards, all clearly armed and I’m not ashamed to say I was scared out of my wits. This had to be a freaking nightmare, but it all seemed so real. Way too real in fact. My journey with my guard ended as he led me into a room, pointed and said You, undress. Wash. Now.
I followed his instructions, and was relieved when he didn’t actually follow me into the shower, although I would not have been surprised if he had. My mind was too numbed to be surprised at the moment, shrouded in confusion. I tried to take my time showering, to take stock of my situation, to force my mind to try and remember. But it was useless. I could remember stumbling out of the pub, I could remember the laughing, the jeering as I was stripped and tied to the lamp-post, and being left there, expecting someone to come back and untie me. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember is being in that cell. I have no idea how I got here.
Slowly, as the surprisingly warm water stimulated my brain, I began to think about where I was. The guards had guns. That thought kept racing through my mind, trying to tell me something. The guards had guns…..so…… this wasn’t a british jail. Therefore I either wasn’t in Britain, or…….. or ……….or what? And then it dawned on me. I had been kidnapped.
It made perfect sense. I was a rich, fairly well known ex-Welsh international football player. I won countless titles and cups with Manchester United, Juventus and Real Madrid, having won the Champions League with each. I had once been married to a European Princess. Clearly, someone had thought they could make a buck from me, and it all fell into place. They probably wanted me to make some video now, to plea for my release. That would be why they were letting me shower, to make me presentable, to show they were looking after me.
I finished my shower, dressed in the clean clothes that had been provided, and the guard beckoned me to follow him once more. Leading me through more endless corridors, that could have been and probably were the same ones. Finally we stopped, and he opened a door motioning me inside. Immediately my assumptions seemed to be correct. Four men were sitting round a table in the room. And I didn’t like the look of them one little bit…..
12-21-2004, 03:43 PM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #4
The four men seemed friendly enough as I was shown to my seat. The guard left, and I was alone with this ‘committee’. I had no idea what they would say, what they would demand. I was hungry and tired, and for the first time I started to feel angry. That was good, it meant I was recovering my senses a little. The men were all staring at me, nodding and smiling and exchanging the odd, seemingly knowing word, still in that language that made no sense to me. That almost confirmed my fears that I had been kidnapped. They appeared to be waiting for something, but what I had no idea what it was they were waiting for.
I sat patiently for minutes, before finally exploding What the flying f-uck is it you guys want!
The man on the middle right, the one with a thick bushy mustache answered me in gibberish, then he said something to the man on the far left, who spoke. In English. Well, sort of English.
Welcome He had what I could only describe as big stupid grin on his face. Welcome! We are very pleased you have come to us. We are very sorry for treatment, did not expect you, did not realise. We are very sorry.
Although what he said made sense in English, it didn’t make sense in my head. He hadn’t laid down any ransom, any threats. He didn’t sound very much like a kidnapper.
Look I decided to grab my moment I’ve been held in a dirty cell, Im hungry, Im tired, I have no idea what’s going on here. Now someone for the love of GOD please. TELL ME WHY I’M HERE!
There was a confused whispering between the men, and then the one on the far left spoke again.
We are very sorry!
I felt that I wanted to punch his stupid smiling face in. He went on.
You will have food, water, much sleep. Later. We wait now for Armand. He has papers. Then we go for food yes? We are very sorry!
I was speechless. I had not idea who Armand was, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. I wanted to scream, I wanted to get up and get the hell out of here, but there were men with guns here, and I still had no idea what these people, these smiling halfwits, wanted. We waited for what seemed like hours, when the door opened, and a guard showed a small, bald, dumpy man in. I assumed, I hoped to God, this was Armand……
12-22-2004, 02:36 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #5
The manner of the people in this room, the luxuriousness of it, and of them, would ill-prepare me for what lay ahead. Armand, taking out a fat cigar, took a seat at the table, and the other four men looked to him in defferance. The man on the left spoke again.
Armand, he is here. Now, we begin yes?
Armand spoke, slowly and methodically, looking right at me. I didn’t understand a word he was saying. When he paused, the man on the left spoke.
Armand say, welcome to Albania. We very proud to have such great legend come here. So sorry for misunderstanding, we not expect response so soon. Our police being, erm, over zealous, think you are spy.
Armand continued as I sat there, stunned. How the hell had I gotten to Albania for f-uck sake?
We ask you to please sign here. We are very sorry. His face seemed eagerly expectant.
He shoved a piece of paper in front of me, indicating where I was to sign. I hesistated for a minute. For all I knew, this could be my death warrant. But these people didn’t seem like terrorists or kidnappers, and the man on the left did keep repeating that he was sorry. I assumed, after careful thought, that this was my ticket to freedom. And if it was a death warrant, well it wasn’t as if I very many options open to me.
I signed the paper and pushed it back towards Armand, who stood up, a huge smile on his face and thrust a hand towards me. Instinctively, I stood up and took his hand, as he spoke in his unintelligible language. I waited till he stopped speaking, and then the man on the left translated.
Welcome again to Albania. We are so proud to have such legend here. We are sure you will bring us many successes. Now, we go eat!
My chin nearly hit the floor. What the hell had I just done……..
12-22-2004, 10:02 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #6
I had no idea what to do, and how to explain to these people that I already had a job, as manager of Cefn Druids, and that the contract I had apparently just signed was void. The problem is, how do you explain this to a group of people, only one of whom barely speaks the same language as you, and who are escorted by three men carrying guns? The answer is, with very great difficulty. All I could do, for now, was follow them and try my best to find a way out of here.
Albania is a very poor country, and for 47 years was one of the most brutal and oppressive communist regimes in the world. They maintained diplomatic links with very few countries during that time of self imposed isolation, and travelling there was nigh on impossible. Only under the very strictest limits did they let people in, although that became farcical when the let the Celtic squad in. Since the 1992 election, the country has been flooded by ethnic Albanians fleeing from Kosovo, and is indeed the poorest country in Europe. Yet even in poor countries, there are rich people, and the meal we had was of the highest quality. It was only later, when I surveyed the magnitude of the lack of wealth, that I realised how disgusting that meal had been.
It took me three days before I was finally able to get a phone call to my now ex-fiancee. Aparantly the news of my appointment as the new manager of the Albanian national side had been all over the British newpapers, and she was not amused at my running out on her, and promptly hung up the phone before I could explain. Another one bites the dust, before it even took off. My only consolation was my memories of our nights of passionate love making.
I didn’t want to be here in Albania though. Yet it was made clear to me, through interpreters and body language, that I had no option. Albania might be a democratic country now, but the regime was still pretty tight, and I had no doubts they would have me shot, or at least locked up forever, If I refused to comply. I would simply have to settle to the task. And besides, now my whole reputation was on the line, and I simply couldn’t just run away.
My former Chairman at the Druids was no help either.
Congratulations he boomed over the phone, We were delighted to give the Albanian FA permission to appoint you. A bit miffed you didn’t contact us yourself to be honest, but I guess it was just an oversite in all the exciting of getting such a job. When they sack you……. Don’t bother coming back here.
Like it or lump it, I was here for the duration….
12-22-2004, 10:17 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #7
love the style you are using to write this story - actually i find it quite inspiring, might start a story of my own soon
keep up the good work! :thup:
12-22-2004, 10:26 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #8
Albania are not the most successful footballing nation on the planet. That is a fact, and probably wont come as a surprise to anyone. Even the most rabid Albanian. The sport was introduced to the country around the turn of the century by so-called ‘Christian’ students. Exactly why these students were playing a game of football, rather than bible study is anyone’s guess but is clearly very wrong. Nevertheless their actions inspired the local populace and in 1920, Vllaznia of Schkoder were the first official football club to be formed in the country.
At both club and international level, Albania has had very little success. The first Albanian side to play in UEFA competition was FC Partizani Tirana, who did manage a home draw with Swedish side Norrkoping, but lost the away leg 3-1. Although clubs have managed individual, one off successes, no Albanian side has ever been passed the 2nd round of a UEFA competition. And at International level, the record isn’t much better.
The Qualifying for the World Cup 2006 Finals will be only the 9th time the country has tried to qualify, and so far have failed the eight times previously. Albania’s first World Cup qualifier was in Holland on the 24th May 1964 going down 2-0. In a group that also contained Switzerland and Northern Ireland, Albania’s only glimmer of success was 1-1 draw with the Northern Irish in Tirana, and they ended bottom of their group. The country didn’t enter the 1970 World Cup, to be held in Mexico and their next attempt was for West Germany ’74. This time they were to draw East Germany, Romania and Finland and although they were once more to finish bottom of their group, this time they did managed to get a win, 1-0 over Finland in Tirana.
The 1978 World Cup qualifying was also missed, but for 1982 the Albanian’s were back. Drawn with Germany, Austria, Bulgaria and Finland again, this time they did not end bottom. They ended 2nd bottom. A 2-0 win over Finland in Tirana was enough to see them finish above the Finns on goal difference, despite 5-0 and 8-0 hammerings from the Austrian’s and Germans respectively. Four years later, Albania drew Poland, Belgium and Greece in their attempt to reach Mexico 86, the first time they had entered a tournament not be held in Europe. Exactly why they didn’t enter the previous twice I have no idea, its not as if they were going to qualify anyway!
Once more, the Albanian’s finished 2nd bottom of their group, but a good 2-2 draw was achieved in Poland, and a fine 2-0 win over Belgium in Tirana, as well as a home 1-1 draw with bottom side Greece. It all amounted to their best effort to that date, and a sign that they were starting to improve, be it ever so slightly. Then again, perhaps it was a false dawn, as in the qualifying for Italy 90, in a group with England, Sweden and Poland, they were to lose all six matches. From their best to their worst, and a huge step backwards.
Drawn in a seven team group for the USA 94 qualifying, along with Spain, Ireland, Denmark, Northern Ireland, Lithuania and Latvia, it might be thought Albania would have a chance to pick up a few wins. But they were once more to finish bottom of their group, although they did beat Lithuania 1-0, and gained draws with Latvia home and away. For the 1998 Qualifying, Albania’s ‘home’ matches were all played on neutral ground apart from the 1-1 draw with Armenia, and as you would expect this didn’t help their chances. Drawn with Germany, Ukraine, Poland, Armenia and Nothern Ireland once more, they yet again finished bottom of their group. A 1-0 ‘home’ win over Northern Ireland in Spain was their only real success in terms of winning, but they did only lose 3-2 in their ‘home’ match with Germany, and ended up losing 4-3 in Germany, thanks to a 92nd minute Bierhoff goal.
For the last World Cup Qualifying for Korea/Japan 2002, there were familiar faces in the Albanian group as they drew England, Germany, Finland and Greece. A 2-0 win over Greece in Tirana was their only success as they once more finished bottom. It will come as a relief then that Greece are in our group for the 2006 Qualifiers, along with Turkey, Denmark, Ukraine, Kazakhstan and Georgia. There is a real belief that this time, the country wont come bottom.
12-23-2004, 01:05 AM
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. Post #10
Like most countries, even though they have had very limited success, Albania has still produced one or two real ‘gems’. A fair number of the current international squad now play abroad, and this can only be good for them in terms of gaining experience and improving their skills. Of the current crop of players, Florian Myrtaj, who playes in Italy with Verona, but is co-owned by Parma, is probably the best of the bunch. Whether he can rise to the levels of Albania’s arguably best player of all time, Panajot Pano, is a matter of opinion, and only time will tell.
In The European Championships, Albania did not take in the 1960 tournament to be held in France, but did enter for Spain 64, gaining a walkover against Greece, before losing to Denmark on a 4-1 aggregate, although they did win 1-0 in Tirana, thanks to a goal from Pano. The 1968 qualification saw Albania up against Yugoslavia and West Germany and after losing 2-0 and 4-0 to the Yugoslavs and being hammered 6-0 in Germany, they were to hold the West Germans to 0-0 in Tirana, and thus allowing Yugoslavia to reach the Finals in Italy.
West Germany were one of their opponents once more in the bid to reach Belgium 72, along with Poland and Turkey. Again they came close to shocking the Germans, only going down 1-0 at home, but were to end bottom of their group. They did though gain a 1-1 draw at home to Poland, and fine 3-0 win over Turkey. Albania did not enter the 1976 or 1980 tournaments, but for the qualifying for France 84 they were back and once more drew Turkey…… and Germany, as well as Austria and Northern Ireland. It makes you wonder if they really do draw these things or if they just make them up. Home draws with Northern Ireland and Turkey were all Albania got to show for their efforts, as they once more finished bottom of their group.
The Qualifying for Germany 88 is best forgotten about, as in a group with Spain, Romania and Austria, Albania lost the lot, and the 1992 qualifiers, in with France, Czechoslovakia, Spain and Iceland were not to prove much better, although they did beat Iceland 1-0 in Tirana. They still finished bottom of their group. They were to fare better though in the 1996 qualifying campaign, as they were drawn with Germany (again), Bulgaria, Georgia, Moldova and Wales. Wins over Moldova home and away, and home draws with Bulgaria and Wales saw the Albanians not finish bottom. This time they finished 2nd bottom. We wont mention who came bottom, and for my part I can only say I don’t remember much about it.
For the 2000 qualifying, there was a sigh of relief. They hadn’t drawn the Germans. They did though draw Norway, Greece, Slovenia, Latvia and Georgia. Although they were to finish 2nd bottom again, there was finally glimmers of hope. A 2-1 win over bottom side Georgia was expect, but draws with Norway, Greece and Latvia twice gave the Albanian’s there best effort yet, in terms of results and points, and what other terms can there be. Russia, Ireland and Georgia were the opponents in the race for Euro 2004, and despite coming 2nd bottom, there was real cause to be confident about the future. Draws with Switzerland and Ireland were good enough, a win over Georgia was expected, but the 3-1 win over Russia was the highlight of the group.
It might seem then, looking at their history, that there isn’t a hope in hell Albania can qualify for the 2006 World Cup. That is probably true, but there does seem to be an underlying belief that they are improving as a nation, and the dream is to finish as high as possible, and build on the Euro 2004 Qualifiers.
In Albania, Do As The Albanians Do – Or Else. 
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