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Pre-Season

A warm up tour in Northern Ireland had been arranged to give the lads a decent run out ahead of their second season in the Conference. In the week leading up to the trip there was time for a quick re-assessment of various players abilities.

For starters there was only one goalkeeper and that was only because Danny McDonnell , a 27 year old part time fork lift truck driver agreed to return to the club he walked out on a year ago. He was competent for the level, but with no competition at least one other goalkeeper will be needed.

Only Rod Davies and Dick Holder were the fullbacks who were able to play on the left hand side of the defence and whilst they had raw attributes had desire, they were young and certainly prone to getting caught out by stronger attackers. One experienced left back would be required in some form. On the right side James Taylor was certainly very capable, but his only out and out competitor Jon Holloway a 24 year old postman was a pile of doggy-doo. In the centre, the old hands of Martin Weird and Mark Tucker would add much needed experience to the backline. In support of them was 32-year old Chris Greenman who whilst able was the only alternative. There was Nathan Jukes as well but he’s 20 and pretty awful according to both Owen and Sally.


In midfield, Jo Murphy was the fired up midfield general who’s feminine touch bedazzled and bewildered the handful of fans who remembered her from last season. Also in the centre was 22 year old Carl Tranter a hard working passer of the ball, whilst aging hipster ( one hip replacement in the offing ) John Purdie added the extra attacking element. However at 34 he wasn’t one to last – and a groin strain hardly helped matters. Sadly he was out aged by Phil Stant a 38 year old toilet attendant who ‘doubled up’ as a striker, but acted in a more effective role as team mascot. Major additions needed here.

Up front the options were pretty poor too. Drew Bradman was fairly competent, though lacking in pace, whilst Darren Middleton ‘s better attributes failed to disguise a lack of economy in front of goal. Mark Heimgartner at 20 was an attacking winger who will hopefully never play for the club, whilst at 40 Paul Davies is just a tad on the old side. Mark Cotter is a 33 year old back up who’s head is the only valuable asset to him both professionally and personally no doubt. Ray Woods is 36 and rubbish.

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Northern Ireland Tour

Owen and Sal were kept exceptionally busy almost as soon as they touched down in Belfast. The three game warm up tour was the focus, but a call from The Huntsman shortly before the first match against Glentoran brought about an unexpected surprise.

‘Hey Col, what’s the news?’

‘ Er got a gem for you mate. Can fill in centre defence and centre mid…’

‘ Excellent, what’s the name and who’s he playing for?’

‘ Matthew Rose, currently at QPR, but he’s a bit unsettled.’

‘ Oh for chrissake Col! He’s never going to join us! Division 2 to Conference are you mad?’

‘He’s been told he’s not in the chiefs plans. He’s not the most ambitious type – all he wants is first team football. I mean we may have to insert a release fee in but he’s worth a shout.’

‘ Hmm ok, I’ll trust your judgement. Think I’ve seen him on the telly before actually, right we’ll have a word with Jeff and we’ll see what we can do.’

Owen though sceptical was quietly enjoying the prospect of bringing in Division 2 standard players however. He had even more reason to do so after the 2-1 loss to Glentoran on the Saturday. Stephen Carson had given the hosts a first half lead, but the attacking options proved more satisfying as Richard Gell’s first contribution was to beat his man for pace and slide the ball across in for Drew Bradman to bundle into the net. In a scrappy affair though, Garry Haylock took advantage of a lack of any positional sense to head in unmarked with ten minutes to go.

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That game against Ballymena did indeed prove a more positive affair for Owen and Worcester – a solid game for Matt at the back helped by an assured display from Dick and Tucker kept a clean sheet, whilst at the other end goals for the excitable Darren Middleton and the wizened head of mark Cotter saw the first win of the tour. Carl Tranter’s injury though would keep him out of the final match with Cliftonville . It also saw another loan signing – from Bury – Greek defender Giorgios Siros make his first start. Another 25 year old, he was really just back up at present until a more permanent better alternative could be found.

The final match proved the most exciting, and an important one for Owen. He could finally dispense with Ray Woods after the geriatric went off injured with a 4 month lay off, effectively ending his career with Worcester. Why had he bothered signing back on? Perhaps he’d mistaken it for the dole queue. That seemed the most likely explanation. As for the match, it finished 4-2 but all the entertainment arrived in the second half. Heimgartner was slowly changing Owen’s mind with a decent strike in the first half, but after the break and a couple of changes, the host hit back with two quick goals before a flurry of 3 goals in the final quarter won it. Darren Middleton converted an Ellis cross, before a brace from Drew Bradman ensured the tour ended on a high. A nice winning note, and a dinner at a hotel with Sally allowed Owen the chance to get a brief moment away from the lads for a change.

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Worcester Training Ground

Owen, Sally and Jeff were discussing future transfer targets around a table of coffee, and toasted cheese and Worcestershire sauce. Mmmm.

“Well Owen if you want more players I can give you some money but we’ve got to factor in wages.”

“ I know, I want to look at the loan market but we’ve already got two. What was Gell valued at then?”

“He’s only 4k as far as I can remember. That’s not a problem if you want. Frees up a loan spot too.”

“4K!? Sign him up! He’s a decent player. Might try the old tried and tested badgering of Premiership clubs for loans as well…”

“ Hang on Owen, I’ve seen a good few players available with a bit of luck. I can find more out about them, like Colin and Gary have been doing too…”

“That’s true Sal. Anyway I’ve sent those two up to Scotland as there’s a few players I want to check out – we really need another goalkeeper!”

“What about Joe Parks? Fancy giving him a bell again?”

“Can’t sadly. He’s committed to his work at the station for now, plus I really don’t think he’s been keeping himself fit either…”

“And you’ve got my money Owen. So don’t bother with all those mates of yours unless they really are worth it! What I want to know is are these oldies going to be worth it? Paul seems a good head…”

“Yes, he’s working in an assistant role at the moment. He’s 40 he’s not playing but he does know his stuff so I’m very happy with him at the moment. Phil Stant… well he’ll be a suitable back up, good for the kids I suppose, but no. Hardly a future there at 38. Jon Purdie and Ray Woods are just crap full stop. They aren’t in my plans at all.”

“Well I’ve got their contracts here Owen. It’ll cost around 9k to get Jon off the books right now and a similar amount for Ray…?”

“Ah don’t bother until I’ve got the new faces in, you never know what’s going to show up. And we’ve already got a few scouts sniffing around our own players. Dick and Drew have had a few enquiries from Sheffield United and Villarreal so I’ve told them to sod off. Might be worth offering them longer contracts Jeff.. we need them. They’re really good lads those two. Dick’s really got an eye for it.”

“ Right ok Owen – damn this is good toast! – Pass me the sauce will ya?”

“Cheers! Right I’ll get the kid at the Evening News – Benny – to try and hush that up. He’ll be following us against Scunthorpe no doubt. Oh – yeah we’ve got a friendly this Friday against them. Sorry forgot to mention it!”

“What!? That’s two days away!”

“Yeah, my bad. Sorry. It’s at home though so no travelling involved!”

“Fine. Right ok, well I’m going to head off and prepare for that. Get the lads in tomorrow, and see if I can make any headway with new players… Sal, can you try and sweeten up some Premiership coaches? Cheers dear. You’re cooking tonight!”

“Bastard.”

“Bye!”

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The Talbot

‘ So then lads, down to four of us then! Wooo, anyone else going to drop out or DIEEEEE ahaha!’

‘Rod, you can be very weird you know that?”

“Ah just joking. Going to be fun this year, I think, might have a slightly more professional touch to it for a change!”

“Yeah good point, I’m looking forward to that, but it’ll be a shame to lose the insanity of Aidan and co. And you remember Lee’s stupidity? Such wonderful naïve idiocy.”

“Don’t be daft Drew it’ll be fine. We can always inject our own brand of ridiculous humour, what with yours and Rods penchant for quoting Spaced and Futurama ad infinitem.”

“Miserable bugger Dick! Still I hear Joanne should still be around – she’s a nice festy little thing! Could be fun…”

“No Drew. No. After her fling with Steve, I doubt she’ll be interested in you, unless you’re a closet millionaire.”

“I could be.”

“Are you?”

“Maybe!”

“Liar.”

“Cynic. Now it’s your round, come on beers all round I think?”

“Yeah I’ll go with that. So who’s going along with this Jeff Daniels being a squeaky clean character?”

“Er no reason to suspect otherwise James? What’s got your goat?”

“Oh nothing, but anyone related to a magician has to be considered a risk.”

“Oh what magnificent evidence of trickery, and hey he’s paying my fees for Uni so see if I care a jot!”

“Still going to stick with Uni Rod?”

‘Yeah, why not? I like football but I’m hardly going to be doing it forever? Might as well finish the degree.”

Dick’s phone starts ringing, a bog standard Sony Erikkson ring tone

“ Ah hey Owen, what’s the call?”

“ Tomorrow night?? Ah bloody hell! So 10 am tomorrow? Right fair enough. Ok cheers boss.”

phone switched off and returned to jacket pocket.

“ Right, last drink guys – we’re playing tomorrow night!”

“Ah bloody hell. Who is it?”

“Scunthorpe, Drew, so a Division 3 side, it’s going to be interesting.”

“Christ! Should be fun, get to see how we’ll cope this season but eh with that Matty Rose we stand every chance!”

“Yeah, how the f*ck did we get him to join us?”

“ That’s what I was talking about see?” James referring back to his questioning of Jeff’s position.

“Bah, until anything concrete comes up will you give it a rest you conspiratorial swine?” Dick added, stemming the conversation there and then as Rod got up to steal a fortune from the Mousetrap machine.

In a corner of the room Benny couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. He often found himself drinking in the same venues as the younger lads in the side, but suddenly a quip about Paul Daniels brought him back thinking towards that scrap of paper he’d seen in the office a while back. It wasn’t a direct link but it had set him on a differing train of thought for a moment, before returning to tuck into a good old surf n turf

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It had been a good match from Owen and Sally’s point of view and encouraging for the season ahead. The side were clearly blessed with a little more than just determination in the squad as the finishing displayed, and Mark Cotter, although 33 was clearly a handful in defence. Strong signs from Heimgartner and Greenman, players previously dismissed as useless gave further room for encouragement, but the talking point still seemed to be the size of the crowd. Why on earth did a massive 4000 plus crowd turn up for a mere friendly?

“ Owen, does it matter? Perhaps the city has really taken to football after the resurgence of both the cricket and rugby sides too! It was a popular season last year and at Conference level the locals are always going to be drawn in… plus it’s the festival in the city at the moment probably plenty of one-timers in there.”

“Yeah I know Sal. It’s great news really, but last year our average was still under 2000, even when we thrashed Forest Green and had a few home games there after it never really broached more than 2500. I don’t know. There’s just something about Jeff that just doesn’t sit comfortably with me at the moment. ”

“ Well you’re the manager – it’s not your job to work out the whys and whats at the moment. Concentrate on the football and the players. Oh and Col wants a word with you on that matter.”

“Really? Right ok. How’s your search going?”

“Not too bad, bit hard to find players who will desperately improve us. Own I really think it might be worth making a decision on Sirios. Would give us another loan option.”

“Yeah, I know but I may sign up if he’s good enough. Anyway we really need another goalkeeper frankly. I know Joe’s still never going to come back, and we need another otherwise we are absolutely buggered. A left winger too, as Andy E won’t last. We got scorers so that’s always handy though. Hmm.”

“ We’ll be fine for Dagenham anyway. You hear about Aidan though?”

“No what’s the idiot done now?”

“He wants to patent oxygen, and lease it out on demand.”

“ Ha! Still crazy! It’ll be different without him in the dressing room!”

“Well, I was speaking to him the other day as he was in town… he was intrigued by the side forming up again… and you remember his thing for Joanne? I get a feeling he may be hanging around in the near future…”

“Ah. Well I’m going to call The Huntsman and see what’s up. Anyway see you for pasta later on.”

“Fine enough. Later.” Sal left blowing a kiss in Owens direction. For Owen a frustrating day with regards a few transfer targets was worsened by the contents of Col’s news. Gillingham had contacted him about offering him a contract with them and it was clearly an opportunity he couldn’t turn down. With one fewer scout, trying to turn up interested parties for the club suddenly got a damn sight worse as he didn’t want to be spending the clubs money just yet on hiring a new man for the job.

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The Season Begins

After having enjoyed watching Liverpool narrowly overcome Manchester United in the Charity Shield down The Talbot with quite a few of the other lads, Owen was confident of starting the season well, especially with the Scunthorpe performance still in the mind. Dagenham & Redbridge were the first opponents and the team bus journey was filled with confidence. There were even jokes about using Joanne’s assets to distract their defence, though swiftly rebuffed by a proud Dick who had certainly developed something of an eye for the tenacious and psychotic midfielder. However, the match itself proved a definite anti climax despite the sides best efforts. An early goal from Danny Hill gave the hosts the lead, and thereafter Worcester were frustrated at getting through to goal. Dick was trying to lead the side well, his natural captain instincts weren’t lost on Owen and Sal, but the side were left down a bit by wayward shooting. Darren Middleton hit over whilst a tempestuous Joanne struggled to contain anger and was lucky to avoid a card after a poor challenge late on. The game was sealed late on when former Chelsea striker Mark Stein popped up to head in a late goal, giving McDonnell no chance at all.

For Owen it was frustrating, for Benny the match report was similar, and for the players it became a wake up call. Of course for such a makeshift side a 2-0 loss is not the end of the world, but ambitions were swiftly re-assessed. At the Talbot the drinks were drunk sensibly for a change. That was until Aidan popped in to say hello, and he’d brought Kel with him.

“ Wahey! Long time no see! I ran into Kellers here and he said you guys might be here! Right I insist! Seeing as I’m about to take control over your oxygen I’ll get the drinks in first! Mini Guinness’ all round? Well you’re drinking it anyway ha-ha!”

Dick and Drew sighed. The nutter was back. Whilst it had been fun last year, he was just too much sometimes, even if the lads’ ability to trip over his legs on the massive two metre walk from table to bar raised a smile. What a plank. James and Rod were pretending they were pool sharks, something they’d been doing for a good 20 minutes now and it was still the first game.

“ So you lost eh?” Kel really knew how to capture the mood.

“ Yeah and we’ve lost in the past before so hardly anything new. Still the gaffer is bringing in some new players so hopefully tomorrow night we’ll put it right at home. You going to be there?” Dick inquired.

“ Maybe! What’s the beer like there?”

“Is that all you think about Kel? Damn you have decent ability, why do you have to keep drinking it all away!” The social habits of the others had always infuriated the defender, who felt any sportsman who didn’t at least try and see how good they were was wasting a gift.

“Oi, Mr boring, I just don’t have the aptitude for it! Hell you know I’d pìss you off even more if I actually tried committing myself to that again! I just want to do as much as I can, have as much fun and not be tied down! But yeah I’ll be there tomorrow night anyway I guess. Aidan seems to be showing some weird interest again so might as well.”

“ That’s only due to Joanne. Fit she maybe, but man that would be a frightening combination! She hated him last year. It’s tough enough hiding her sex from the fans as it is without having a mentalist addicted to her every movement as well.” Drew pointed out.

“ Yes, but even so when he was on form on the pitch he was damn good!”

“But also dangerous Kel! Remember when he kicked that guy in the face because he took Jo from behind? Ok, I know how that sounded but you know what I meant. He’s a complete liability and look! He’s just fallen over again!”

‘ But it’s so funny!”

“Yeah but we’re about more than just a comedy outfit now Kel, we’re serious!” Dick interjected this time.[i] “ Look I think I even spotted that former Rangers striker Marco Negri around the ground..”

“ Christ alive, he can’t be coming?!” It was Drew who was shocked this time. As it was, Owen had made contact, and a contract was being drawn up as they spoke – but only on a month to month basis. The deal went through after the first game at home to Stalybridge on the Tuesday night.

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The team had seen a change in tactics as Rose was switched into a midfield role alongside Jo Murphy whilst Siros and Tucker took the centre half slots, whilst Rod was pushed up into the left wing role, and Dick fell back into the left back slot. In front of another strong crowd of close to 5000 people the side did indeed pick up.

However, the first half seemed to be going the way of the opening game and Dominic Crookes handed the visitors a lead midway through it when he broke free from Tucker in the area to shoot in from 12 yards. In the second 45 though, it was a different story and the rewards were there for a hungry Worcester side – with the inspiration coming from new boy Richard Gell as two goals in 4 minutes switched the game around. The first came from a scramble in the area following a corner, whilst the second involved interlinking play between Rose and Davies with the latter feeding in a left wing cross right onto the head of Gell and the lead was deservedly taken. It could have been more and perhaps should have been had Drew not skewed a shot well wide, an effort which justifiably received the post match jibes, but thankfully the final whistle blew and the first 3 points were up on the scoreboard to the relief of Owen.

The following day it was nice to see the squad’s attacking strength boosted by Negri’s arrival, the 31 year old would add some guaranteed goals to the side even if it would only be short term, but it was bettered after a call from another contact recently, Jean-Paul Leonard, and Col’s final parting gift before heading off. The agent of French forward Kaba Diawara had called back to say his client was interested on a short term deal to get his match fitness up to speed. Again it was month to month deal, but at 25 there was every chance for the former West Ham, Blackburn and Liverpool player could rediscover the talent that had attracted such high profile interest in the past.

Ahead of all that though was the progress on a new goalkeeper search, a priority of Owens’ for quite some time and he finally struck gold when Sal reported back on Ipswich veteran Mike Salmon . The 37 year was in search of regular football and with his back catalogue in league football it was a chance he didn’t want to turn down. Convincing Jeff Daniels this old pro was the way forward took a little time, especially after Owen had blanched at the idea of trying to keep the older outfield pro’s, or semi pro’s, but frankly given the alternatives, it wasn’t too hard. Sadly Mike couldn’t join in time for the Yeovil match but the key agreement had been reached.

Hoping to take momentum into the televised clash at Huish Park, the only changes were upfront where the two new talents were given a first chance to prove themselves. Of course with little training and a lack of fitness, they made a slow start initially as the defence were kept busiest early on. Dick Holder kept the side together early on, but halfway through Joanne seemed to be struggling with her stamina, and after receiving a knock to her backside, lost her footing allowing the Yeovil attack through Andy Lindegaard to put the hosts into the lead. It did at least inspire the sleepy players to wake up and fight back and the new strikers displayed their quality creating several chances for themselves, but not quite putting it far enough out of reach of goalkeeper Jon Sheffield. With Kaba tiring in the second half, Micky Cotter was brought on along with Drew in the second half, but the difference in quality showed and chances were frustratingly restricted to two long range efforts from Richard Gell but neither could find the target, and despite putting in a much improved second half effort, the game ended in a 1-0 loss.
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“ Dammit Sal, is anyone being at all helpful?”

“Not at the moment hon, but look on the bright side, Mike’s joined and his experience is already being enjoyed in training.”

“ Yeah I know. I suppose that was the most important part of it, but we still need more players!”

“ Well I figure we’re just going to have to work with who we have and get into a position where we can attract other players!”

“Yeah, I suppose. Anyway, how’s Jo feeling? She looked hurt today.”

“Ah, just period pains, nothing to worry about Owen. Oh, there’s one fellow I thought you want to check out, Andrew Vickers at Dagenham, he’s an experienced defender, cheap and not in the clubs plans at the moment.”

“Reckon he’ll improve our squad?”

“Well lets see, we can sign him for 6k, and our current left back, Rod, keeps getting injured. We have little alternatives in that case. Dick can play across the back 4 but we need someone with ability. At the price offered it’s hard to go wrong.”

“Often a reason they’re so cheap, Sal…”

“Gell was only 4k…”

“Fine – I’ll call up Jeff and see what we can do about that.”