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I'm taking a radical new approach with this one. It's a murder mystery taking place in a Milton Keynes hotel, featuring some well known players and some Belgians. Feel free to guess along and add your opinions.
This will be a short story. A page or so should do it. I'm running FM 2005 and it's 2006/7 and I'm managing MK Dons. It's fairly obvious.
This is fairly experimental so if it goes tits up i'll blame it on a troubled upbringing or something.
In 2005 MK Dons received a cash injection of £2.9m as well as a new manager, Richard Rowe. Charged with saving them from relegation to League Two, he valiantly led them down, at one point going 16 games without a win.
In to League Two, Rowe made two surprising signings. Gabriel Batistuta, 9907 years old joined from Qatar, and Freddy Guarin joined from Envigado in Colombia along with Enzo Scorza from Danubio. He signed some Belgians and a Lithuanian and got a sackful of overpriced English players on loan.
They stormed League Two to finish 3rd. Some Belgians finished in the top scorers charts, along with Batigol, despite spending a lot of time nursing various finger and wrist injuries.
3 Weeks before the start of the new season, MK Dons were to play a friendly match with Beveren, and were holed up in a luxurious 5 star country mansion on the outskirts of… erm… Milton Keynes.
The banquet started innocuously enough with laughs and japery aplenty. Scorza finished his soup course in record time but disturbingly left his croutons untouched.
Batistuta enjoyed his fish course but seemed to have eaten the skeleton, including some very sharp bones.
Edgaras Chesnauskis didn’t eat meat and was apoplectic with rage when served with Venison Loin in a plum and Gruyere cheese crust.
“You’re gay” chirruped the anti-vegetarian Zak Whitbread, on loan from Liverpool.
The manager stepped in and told them to calm down.
Pindado, the Spanish goalkeeper, purchased from Antwerp, in a fit of rage over the texture of his Chocolate mousse punched three young Belgian players on the nose.
The manager sent Pindado from the room. Pindado’s eyes lit up as he told the waiters that they would all die a horrible death, before leaving the banqueting hall.
Things calmed down until after the dessert wine, the squad left to head for the lounge for Brandy and Cigars.
Freddy Guarin left his brandy on a sideboard and browsed through the antique books.
When he turned back, he had a tumbler of Ribena instead. Looking around the room, everyone was behaving normally, apart from Carl Rook, who was on the floor, drunk as a skunk.
Carl Rook didn’t drink.
This was strange.
Three young Belgian players tripped over an outstretched foot. Batistuta noticed them falling and blamed Chesnauskis. Chesnauskis blamed Guarin, who blamed Carl Rook. Carl Rook didn’t blame anybody as he was unconscious. There was an awkward silence. Guarin then blamed Batistuta, who blamed Chesnauskis again. This time Pindado took aim at Whitbread, who clouted Chesnauskis over the head.
The lights went out.
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The lights came on.
Three young Belgians were dead in the centre of the room. Everyone stopped, aghast.
Next to the three young Belgians was a bottle, labelled in French, reading Poisson, with a skull and crossbones motif.
Freddy Guarin’s tumbler of Ribena was smashed.
Carl Rook was unconscious.
Edgaras Chesnauskis was still a vegetarian.
The manager called the police. Everyone settled into their seats. It was going to be a long night. Would the mystery be solved before the big match?
At 9.25 the Inspector arrived. He checked behind the curtains, and found the decaying carcass of a mouse. He put it in the bin.
At 9.34pm the Police Inspector arrived. He asked the other Inspector to choose a more appropriate time to inspect the hotel for rodents.
The squad were interviewed one by one, by the Police Inspector and his crack team of Police Officers. Gradually they were all dismissed. There were 6 suspects.
Gabriel Batistuta
Freddy Guarin
Pindado
Carl Rook
Edgaras Chesnauskis
Zak Whitbread
The other players were told to go to their rooms, and lock their doors. There’d be no sex with D-List celebrities tonight for these footballers. Elton John was seen slinking away from the hotel looking disappointed shortly afterwards.
The players were subject to rigorous police cross examination.
This caused immense pain, so they just did a cross examination.
Freddy is a teenager. This makes him 25% more likely to commit murder.
He claims to get on well with all of the squad apart from Enzo Scorza, who once vowed to ‘sort him good and proper’.
Enzo Scorza thus added to list of suspects, to be interviewed.
Freddy thought it was strange how Scorza left his croutons. This makes him a potential murderer in his esteemed opinion.
His brandy was missing during Brandy and Cigars time. He doesn’t know who took it. He also doesn’t know that we found fish bones in the Ribena tumbler.
He doesn’t suspect Carl Rook as he was unconscious. Carl Rook is teetotal. This needs to be looked into.
Freddy says he saw Zak Whitbread doing a wee in a plant pot. This will probably be disregarded.
CSI: Milton Keynes 
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