If you register for free, you will be able to post threads, vote on polls and lots more. If you have problems with the registration or logging in, please contact the administrator.
Bagpuss was, quite literally, rolling in cash. Having made his millions in an endeavour that he described as "selling nuclear secrets to Iran", he was now thoroughly enjoying the benefits that obscene monetary value could bring to life; hell, it could even get him laid despite being voted Ugliest Man on the Planet for five consecutive years. But endless wish fulfillment and the ability to buy anything he wanted was beginning to get boring for Bagpuss. He needed a new challenge, one that would test even his new found abilities to the very limit. The answer was blindingly obvious.
--
"But I've already had my shirt printed up and everything. You've gotta let me play."
"Seriously, no. Look at you, you haven't the fitness or stamina to last five minutes on a football field. If I'm paying for this then you can forget being a player, you fat git. What name did you put on the shirt anyway?"
"I was going for the whole Brazilian style name thing."
"What name?"
"Terkaldinho." It was the raucous laughter after I'd said that which probably hurt most, as if being taunted by Bagpuss hadn't been bad enough. The creation of an FMS team had fired within me the dream of playing professional football, but as had been so kindly put to me, my frame was hardly one of the svelte, modern-day footballer. Hell, I was even fatter than Jan Mølby. Now (once more, those of you with decent memories might say) I had to make do with the job of moulding my fellow internet geeks into something resembling a football side.
With the clocks magically rolled back on each participant to make them just eighteen years of age once more (that would be some seriously marketable technology), the shiny new Stade de Mao awaiting the chance to host their exploits, and a place in the English Conference South bought through underhand means (Bagpuss was far too cheap to stump up the cash for a place higher in the league ladder), the regulars of FMS were ready to take on the world (or Weston-super-Mare) and the don was nowhere to be seen.
03-29-2006, 01:18 PM
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... Post #2
Yes, I'm at it again. Another FMS team story (well, I think the last time I failed it was still CMS, but let's not be pedantic). This one will probably die within a week again, but hey, I'm nothing if not persistently irritating.
My apologies if you haven't made it into my squad, had to draw the line somewhere, and also if I have offended you with my choice of nationality for those in the squad (for some I had no idea, so merely guessed. I thought about making PM7 an Englishman, but why upset an old man?)
Enjoy. That's an order.
03-29-2006, 01:45 PM
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... Post #4
It was a fiercely hot July afternoon when the newly formed FMS squad first came together at their new London base. Bagpuss’ initial idea had been to base the side in Carlisle, or wherever else it was ‘oop north’ that he hailed from (as he claimed Manchester United support, it was certain not to be there) but a thorough beating from Raptor (isn’t that the most unlikely phrase ever used?) quickly talked him down from that cliff.
The naming of the stadium had been another cause for war, Peacemaker7 was adamant that, as the greatest writer ever to grace FMS – proven by his award count – the ground should clearly be named after him, but given the fact that he was in the final stretch of life and that flipsix was almost certain to overtake his tally at the next awards ceremony, nobody paid much attention to him. Eventually, the Stade de Mao was agreed upon, a 50,000 all-seater arena to hold an expected crowd of around five. Who says excess isn’t fun?
To have anything like a chance of success, a decent sized squad would be needed, especially given that there would be neither players sold nor players signed for the duration of the adventure. Twenty-five was the agreed upon number, and it became my job sort out the sh*t from the slightly sh*tter.
Strikers: <UL TYPE=SQUARE> Brian of Nazareth (SC, English) Gricehead (SC, English) Spav (SC, Australian) Mavericktango (SC, English) </UL>
--
Friendlies against Chippenham, Yeading and Bradford Park Avenue were arranged, and all Bagpuss expected was a respectable league finish in our first season. I was fully aware, however, that supporter power would likely oust me if we did anything but win the title.
03-29-2006, 03:51 PM
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... Post #5
Chippenham vs. FMS United(Hardenhuish Park, Friday 16th July 2004 – Attendance 72)
Who takes the field in each friendly is really a moot point, the only important thing is that everybody gets time on the pitch at some point, as they’re good for nothing more than working up match fitness. With the players lining up in the 4-5-1 that I’d perfected over many years of slaving away at computer simulated football, we began our (hopefully) epic journey.
I had no idea what level we would be at, whether Chippenham would prove to be several steps above or below us, and in the end it turned out that we were better, but not by much. The first goal scored by a player in FMS’ rather disgusting light-blue and maroon kit came from the boot of Spav, taking on united_forever’s pass and thumping his shot past Mark Hervin in the Chippenham goal.
United_forever was, over the course of the game (or at least the seventy minutes he was on), the best player on show; industrious in his midfield role, both attacking and defending well when needed. But it was fellow midfielder HD who set up our second mark on the scoreboard, swinging in a cross from his right wing which substitute striker Brian of Nazareth made no mistake in heading past Hervin.
Final Score: Chippenham 0 – 2 FMS United Goals: Spav (22), Brian of Nazareth (69)
Man of the Match: united_forever (9)
The win had come at a cost, though admittedly not a very big one as Spav had been forced to retire hurt with a sore shoulder, but the big Aussie wimp was told to get on with it and he’d be back in full training within the week, certainly in enough time to be considered for the match against Yeading.
Yeading vs. FMS United(The Warren, Sunday 25th July 2004 – Attendance 101)
As it was, Spav was one of the two left out of the squad for our second friendly, the other being goalkeeper Ell and Back who had slept between the posts against Chippenham. It was nice to see the crowd up in triple figures, I’d been a bit shocked at the lack of interest in our very first game, but all that happy feeling was gone just a few minutes into the match when sherm limped off after a heavy challenge, the diagnosis being a twisted ankle which would keep him out for at least three weeks, and therefore the start of the league campaign.
We put that setback behind us though, and quickly found ourselves in the lead. After Educated Hick had played a good ball into the box, chaos ensued as Yeading tried to clear, during which time mavericktango managed to toe poke the ball into the back of David Bailey’s net.
I assumed, rather foolishly it would seem, that we would go on from there and secure our second win in as many meaningless games, but instead we managed to show some quite spectacular ineptitude, Leo30 being caught woefully out of position at the back as Yeading attacked our left flank and Matt Miller ended the move with a volley past Dixie Flatline.
We were the better side for the remainder of the game, forcing the Yeading ‘keeper into a string of second half saves, and after all I had said that such games are good for nothing save fitness, but none of that did anything to damp down my anger at having thrown away the win.
Final Score: Yeading 1 – 1 FMS United Goals: mavericktango (11), Matt Miller (28)
Man of the Match: David Bailey (9)
FMS United vs. Bradford Park Avenue(Stade de Mao, Sunday 1st August 2004 – Attendance 95)
The game against Bradford PA ensured that everyone had started at least one game as chesterfan2 got his turn between the sticks and we changed to a 4-4-2 so that Brian of Nazareth and Gricehead could both make their first starts. The change of formation seemed not to hurt us at all, and indeed we should have been well clear of the visitors before we finally did take the lead.
When that opening goal did come, just four minutes before half time, it was left winger glamdring who bagged it. Leo30, determined to atone for his mistake against Yeading, launched a long throw into the area and axeman’s near post flick on found glamdring waiting at the back post to stab the ball into the back of the net.
Spav appeared for the second half in place of Brian of Nazareth, and went on to perform quite superbly well, though his finishing left something to be desired as he should have walked off the field at full time having netted at least four. He had to settle for one though, and it was the last of his chances, coming two minutes into injury time at the end of the match, with ‘keeper Jacob Giles joining the Bradford attack for a late corner, -Xenon-‘s clearing volley sent Spav clear and the Australian striker caressed the ball home from a full forty yards.
Final Score: FMS United 2 – 0 Bradford Park Aveune Goals: glamdring (41), Spav (90+2)
Man of the Match: Spav (8)
03-29-2006, 05:57 PM
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... Post #6
How could I forget, Smithy? I'm just hoping the game strikes you down with shin splints as some point, I think I'd die laughing
Bryan, I think the appropriate response to that is :p
Nadessico, I know more about you than you can possibly imagine And no one's getting sold, you're all going to be loyal
----------------------------
English Conference South
Game: 1/42 Dorchester vs. FMS United(Avenue Stadium, Saturday 14th August 2004 – Attendance 345)
There was obviously expectations from everyone save sherm that they were going to be named in the starting line up for our first competitive game, so naturally there was a lot of disappointment, especially for the eight who were left out of the squad altogether. Ell and Back got the nod in goal with chesterfan2 on the bench; Dixie Flatline paying the price for being the only one of the three to concede in the pre-season friendlies.
In the first half, we had the distinct look of a new team though and were lucky to trail by just the single goal as we did. Joseba Barandiaran, a very fancy name for this level of football, was the Dorchester player to get his name on the scoresheet, nutmegging Raptor before sliding a shot underneath the onrushing Ell and Back.
No changes were made at half time, but we did look a much better outfit and came close twice through Spav and flipsix3 before we finally equalised just before the hour mark, glamdring swinging in a superb cross for Educated Hick to slide in at the back post and net our first competitive goal.
Our joy at being level and the prospect of taking at least a point from our first game lasted all of nineteen minutes, Danny Smith rifling in a shot for the home side from all of thirty yards. We were far from done yet, however, and with seven minutes remaining, substitute striker Brian of Nazareth was on the end of another glamdring cross, edging the ball over the line via his shin but, as they say, they all count the same.
The job from that point was to shut up shop and hold on for the point we felt we clearly deserved. But, being internet geeks and barely even having seen sunshine in their previous lives, let alone taken part in physical exertion of any kind (other than, of course, the effort required to eat a doughnut) we tired considerably, and just sixty seconds after levelling the scores, we were terminally behind, Alex Browne the scorer of the home side’s winner.
Final Score: Dorchester 3 – 2 FMS United Goals: Barandiaran (25), Educated Hick (59), Smith (78), Brian of Nazareth (83), Browne (84)
Man of the Match: glamdring (9)
03-29-2006, 07:37 PM
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... Post #10
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas... 
And no one's getting sold, you're all going to be loyal 
Linear Mode
