Saxemara? Damn, I Thought You Said Sexy Mama!

shannon2007 · 07-22-2006, 12:30 AM

Clemente Marito awoke in a cold sweat, from a sleep that hardly been refreshing as he tossed and turned on the uncomfortable bed of the cheap hotel room. Clemente Marito was in a sh*t load of trouble, and he didn't have a clue how to get out of it. If only he hadn't sent that silly letter, if only he hadn't got on that stupid plane, if only..... but it was way too late for If Only's.

Yesterday afternoon Clemente Marito had arrived at Malmo Airport in Sweden, the penultimate leg of his journey from Oporto, Portugal where he had lived for the past thirteen of his 30 years. The train journey to Ronneby, a small town on the southern coast of Sweden a few miles west of Karlskrona, had been seemingly long and hot, but Clemente had endured it because he had been excited about the new job he was going to. Excited, and scared.

He was scared for a few reasons. Firstly, he had never been to Sweden to before and had no idea what to expect. He spoke no Swedish, very poor English and he was certain no-one else here would speak Portuguese. Secondly, Clemente had a ferar of flying, and after a long trip that required two changes, he was still shaking like a leaf. And thirdly, and this was probably the most important, he was terrified of being outed as the imposter he was.

Clemente Marito had always wanted to be a footballer, but that was going to be difficult because at the age of eight Clemente had his right leg amuputed just below the knee after a car accident in which his little sister Maria was killed. For years Clemente had dreamt of playing with his pals, which he did sometimes thanks to his artificial limb, but he could never play the game seriously. In later life he dreamt he could become a great manager, but working as he did in the local fish market, he had little chance of achieving that goal and his only escape into the world of football had been his game of Football Manager which he played all the hours he could, guiding his beloved Santa Clara to glory - or usually failure.

It was a silly thing to do, Clemente realised that now, but when someone on an internet forum posted that Swedish 2nd Division club Saxemara, newly promoted, were looking for a new manager, Clemente decided to post of his CV. Well, not exactly his CV, but instead based in his exploits in Football Manager. Except he didn't mention that in his CV, and he did embelish things a little. Never expecting a reply, Clemente posted off the letter whilst drunk one night and three weeks later a phone call had come through late in the evening from the Saxemara president, Olaf Larsen. Mr Larsen conducted an interview over the phone, being very impressed with Clemente's CV and at the end of the call offered Clemente the job as manager of his club - which Clemente foolishly accepted.

As four days passed, Clemente began to think this was all a dream - until the letter of confirmation dropped through his door. Three weeks later he was on his way to Sweden, to his dream job, petrified that he would be found out once the President checked his background, but it seemed he never did and Clemente was home free. As he arrived at the shabby, tiny stadium, he was soon wishing that he had been found out.

Clemente Marito was in trouble - but the trouble was that this wasn't quite what he had expected and the trouble was he didn't have a clue what to do. The trouble was, this wasn't Football Manager - this was real. And Clemente Marito wasn't. If only his new boss had checked out his CV. If only...... but it was way too late for If Only's.

shannon2007 · 07-22-2006, 12:33 AM

I was looking for something interesting to play when I came across a thread in GQ about a crap team in Uruguay. Well I loaded them up, but they didn't seem that crap and then I saw THIS thread and suddenly I have a team who are probably going to be a challenge.

Running all of Sweden,England and Scotland. Should be fun, Saxemara have no players and no transfer funds!

retired_workingmom77 · 07-22-2006, 12:36 AM

Very interesting idea and a great start :thup:

Looking forward to this

shannon2007 · 07-22-2006, 08:29 PM

It had been a long night. The hotel room was cold and draughty, the bed was lumpy and the room generally looked drab. The President had promised Clemente that this would only be for one night, that he would sort out something better in the morning - which he did. The club President met with Clemente as pre-arranged at 10am to take him to see the clubs stadium and facilities. Clemente also assumed he would meet the players, and his backroom staff. Perhaps, in the future, he would want his own backroom staff, but the future was too far away to think about.

The stadium wasn't quite as bad as you would expect from a team who were last season in the fifth level of the Swedish pyramid. A small stand that could seat a couple of hundred people and open terracing where another 500 or so people were allowed to be. The pitch was, allegedly, grass, but looking at the surface it was impossible to determine just how many blades were left, probably less than ten. This certainly wasn't the Nou Camp, thats for sure.

Inside, the changing rooms were painted a drap peeling blue, and the facilities were as basic as you can get. The President introduced a Frederik Lundgren, who apparantly had was a coach at the club and then dissapeared saying Lundgren would complete the tour and he, the President, said he would be back in a while and show Clemente to his new accomodation. He toddled off and left the two strangers to get acquainted, and Clemente assumed that Lundgren would introduce him to the clubs playing staff.

Lundgren was on old man. At 61 years of age, he was even older than Bobbev, whoever the hell Bobbev was. He had been at the club for a fair few years as part of the coaching staff under a few managers, but had never been offered the top job himself. Neither man had particulary good English - their common language - and so at first Clemente thought there was something wrong with what he was saying when he asked to meet the players.

'Zee players?' Lundgren looked bemused.

'Yes. I would please like to meet the players?'

Lundgren shook his head. 'Eet is like theese. We have no players'.

shannon2007 · 07-23-2006, 12:05 AM

Saxemara club President, Olaf Larsen was true to his word. Clemente may well have no players to actually manage, but he did have a place to stay. A small, only room to swing a very tiny cat, caravan, that was conveniently located on a plot of land just across the road from the stadium. Convenient, because the caravan had no toilet facilities, a tiny little sink and a two hob gas cooker. It had no electricity either, using for lighting antiquated little gas burners. Mr Larsen assured Clemente that this was merely a temporary situation, and Clemente wistfully thought that was more than likely - pretty soon he would be found out and sacked.

Now it may cross your mind, why didn't Clemente just turn around, jump on a plane, and fly back to Portugal. Well two reasons really. He really did want to see if he couldmake ago of this football lark, and, more importantly perhaps, he had no money. All his savings had gone on his plane ticket, and he had already given up his rented accomodation in Oporto. Clemente Marito was not a rich man, and he was stuck here until he could find a way out. And on a wage of just £100 per week, he certainly was not going to be able to buy his way home anytime soon. There was only one thing for it, and as Clemente pulled the worn blanket around him as the wind howled frighfully around the tiny caravan, threatening to blow it away, the Portuguese non footballer would just have to do the best he could and pray for a miracle.

With no money to buy players, a tight wage budget, no club prestige and an unknown Portuguese manager, finding new players who wanted to sign was going to be incredibly difficult. Clemente turned to the ever faithful Fredrik Lundgren for help and advice and offered the silver-haired, ageing coach a position as his assistant. It wouldn't give the old guy any more money - and he was only being paid £40 a week - but at least it did give him a bit more prestige and the old bugger was more than happy with that, sad his lonely old life was. With the help of Lundgren, eleven new players were signed who had already played semi-professional football, but of course eleven players simply weren't going to be enough and in the end Clemente resorted to grabbing teenagers and early twenty somethings from the local job centre and offering them nothing to play for the club. At least it would give them something better to do than hanging about the town square smoking hash and getting drunk. Or actually........

And so, despite all the troubles and tribulations, we finally had a squad of players, albeit a small one, who could at least do no more than try to keep Saxemara in the Second Division, and at least try to keep Clemente in a job. Not that he was actually overly caring by now.

shannon2007 · 07-23-2006, 10:09 AM

The Saxemara IF 'Squad' 2006

Goalkeepers

Jorgen Bengtsson (29) Formerly with Nosaby If, who were in the divisions below Saxemara now, Bengtsson was happy to sign on the dotted line with no fee changing hands, because there wasn't any money for a fee. Bengtsson is far from a great keeper - he wouldn't be here otherwise - but he does have a really good ability in the air. Sadly that is undermined by his total averageness in his other skills. Hardly what you would call a safe pair of hands, but the best no money can get.

Johan Lennartsson (18) Hanging around your local job centre sniffing glue is not the ideal way to live, no matter what your mates tell you. Lennartsson was offered his chance, and he took it. After all, £75 a week is better than nothing, and is enough to allow the youngster to move up to harder dope. The kid can just about kick the ball, but his other so-called skills are laughable and especially his aerial ability is virtually non existance as a result of all that sniffing of glue.

Defence

Jan Andersson (18) Another community service offender, Andersson was in court for stealing ladies underwear and this seemed a decent enough punishment. The Swedes don't like sending people to jail. Anderson, who laughably is called a right back, has no first touch, can barely run, cannot pass to save his life and basically has nothing at going for him. No wonder he's into womens knickers.

Christopher Strom (20) Right back was a tough position to find for, and so another loser was brought in to make up the numbers. Strom is an arsenist, which will come in handy some day I'm sure. To say he has some almost halfway decent ability is stretching the imagination, but at least he can run a little bit faster than Andersson - but not by much.

Christopher Jonsson (20) Of course not all the players brought in from the streets are criminals.Jonsson was merely down on his luck, having been sacked from his job a cleaner at the local whorehouse. Jonsson, who 'plays' at left back, has at least a little bit of speed which can come in handy perhaps. He can pass the ball fairly well, but don't expect him to be brilliant. He isn't.

Oscar Strom (17) Oscar is the brother of Christopher, and like his brother was a petty crook - it runs in his family, his father was an MP. Oscar has no footballing skills whatsoever and is a bit of a hothead, but at least he can run a bit. He needed to to get away from the pigs.

Josef Uren (25) Having played for Forward, Lillan, Orebro Syrianska, and Rynninge, Uren has been around a bit for sure. He is a half decent defender despite his CV, and should be able to hold down a place in the side and do ok in this division. You would think.

Andreas Edlund (21) An unemployed baker's assistant, Edlund jumped at the chance to sign up for Saxemara and although he obviously isn't going to be Jonas Thern, he certainly has a little bit of skill, which is always useful.

Henrik Eklund (21) Another from the scrapheap, Eklund is pretty woeful in some ways, but seems to have some reasonable 'skills' in other ways. He wouldn't be your first choice if you had a choice. But then there really isn't a choice, is there.

Anders Edman (21) Exactly why Edman has come to this club is anyone's guess. He can't pass, he can hardly kick the ball at all and his skills are at best on the level of a four year old. But then so is his mental capacity, and he actually thinks he's so good he lists himself as being able to play four right sided positions in defence and midfield. The guy's a nutter.

Midfield

Johan Henriksson (31) Actually a half decent player, signed on a free from GGIK, he has played for Degerfors and Sandvikens and should be able to do a decent job here. Can play in defence, but will play a defensive type midfield role instead.

Alexander Pihl (20) More care in the community, whosever stupid idea this was deserves shooting. With absolutelty no footballing skills at all, its hard to see just what the point in Pihl's existance is.

Daniel Pintaric (27) Signed on a free from Partille, Pintaric is a right sided midfielder who will be played out on the right wing. The fact that he doesnt have the speed to play there, not to mention the skill, is something we simply won't mention. oops.

Lars Akerberg (31) Unlike any of the other players at the club, there were actually other clubs wanting to sign Akerberg so you would think that he must be good, and for this level he probably is. Having played all his career at Sylvia, it's going to be a bit of getting used to for Akerberg to run - or rather walk - out for another club.

Bjorn Wikstrom (18) A special needs kid - he needs to learn to play this game. The one thing Bjorn has in his favour is that he can actually, unlike some of his fellow players, walk a wee bit. He can't tackle at all, can't head the ball - it might hurt his hair - can barely pass it. The question that has to be asked is, whats the fecking point?

Bosko Orovic (33) A rarity in this squad - a player with experience. Having played mostly for Lundby, with spells at Buducnost, Hacken, Vastra Frolunda, Inland, Askim & Vardar/Makedonia, Bosko has been around. This tells you he is either fairly obnoxious, or simply can't play that well. Probably a bit of both. Although he is listed as a midfielder, he is better as a forward.

Forwards

Magnus Eriksson (32) Without a shadow of a doubt Eriksson is the second best player in this squad. Having played his whole career with IFK Malmo, he signed up at BK Naset but didn't fancy it there and was tempted to come to Saxemara. Despite his age, Magnus has a decent turn of speed, he's a hard working team player and a decent enough eye for goal. OK so he can't tackle, his passing is woeful, but then he is a poacher and he doesn't need those overrated skills anyway.

Asgeir Fridjonsson (26) If Magnus Eriksson is the second best player, then there has to be a best player and Asgeir is it. He looks totally out of his league with this shower of misfits, and it really is a wonder he hasn't been snapped up by a better club. He must have something wrong somewhere, but so far it's been hard to spot it.

Tomas Vesterinen (32) Despite his age, don't be fooled into thinking that Vesterinen is any good. He isn't. And thats despite having spent most of his career at current Premiership side Gefle. Its not that Tomas is bad, and he does have a decent physical presence, he just isn't any better than average. Of course in this squad that makes him a demi-god.

Jacob Johansson (17) Another of the loser kids, Jacob will not make it as a full time professional footballer. He is though a reasonably decent player for this level and if he can just hang in there - and stop mugging grannies - then he might get a wee shot sometime in the future.

Esbjorn Berghult (34) Another former IFK Malmo player, Berghult is a decent enough striker for this level and even if the rest of the side are utter crap - which they without a doubt are - at least the forward line should knock a few holes in someone else's defence.