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Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football
God's wife Morag sat at the dining table pondering the Way Things Are. Her pal Aggie had just made a nice wee cup of tea and there was a delightful plate of Abernethy biscuits with strawberry jam waiting to be eaten. The lace tablecloth lay perfectly symmetrically atop the perfectly circular table, but something was missing.
Just then Mary and Betty showed up.
It wasn't long before talk got to the Way Things Are:
It's not like the old days said Aggie, adeptly adding a sleeve to the jumper she had been knitting for the last six years, when I was a lass you wouldn't see this sort of ragamuffin behaviour.
Morag found it hard to disagree: I can't disagree she said, agreeably.
It had been 173 years since the women last disagreed with one another. The time before that was in the late 1300s.
Eventually the talk came around to Scottish football. Being immortal, the ladies had plenty of topics to get around, and this was the first time they had talked about Scottish football since Renton were the nation's premier side.
It's dreadful said Mary. Admittedly this added little to the conversation as Mary rarely said anything other than "It's dreadful". I'm scandalised. said Betty. This was a turnup for the books. As the wife of Buddha, Betty generally took such things in her laid-back stride. I can hardly believe things have reached this stage. Aggie and Morag stared at Mary, open mouthed. Then they realised it was still Betty who was talking and turned away.
03-15-2006, 12:22 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #2
The ladies were agreed. Scottish football was in dire need of divine intervention and they were the gals to provide it.
Their plan was simple. They would each take over the running of a club, provide funds, appoint a manager, offer guidance. This way the upper echelons of Scottish football would ultimately be working for the powers of good, and not evil as was presently the case.
Yes, the plan was to save Scottish football by having it controlled by major religious figures. Or at least their wives.
03-15-2006, 12:58 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #3
Being God's wife, and the most important of all the ladies (in her own mind), Morag opted to change things about a bit. Rather than remodel the fortunes of an existing club she created a new one, planted it on the Isle of Bute, gave it a big wad of cash and found it a way in to the Third Division.
Aggie's plan
Being the wife of God's brother Dave, Aggie was less important, but always keen to back the underdog. She would endeavour to revive the fortunes of Ayr United FC. She wasn't able to produce unlimite wads of cash, but she was crafty and that ought to serve her well.
Mary's plan
Outraged constantly, the natural fit for Mary was Celtic. She had no cash generation ability whatsoever, but she had a plan to restore credibility to Scottish football. Whether she had the wherewithal to execute it was another matter. Her husband, a minor Hindu god, was more of a cricket man and far from noteworthy. In fact he'll probably not be mentioned again in this story.
Betty's plan
It had to be Rangers for Mrs Buddha. Again she was not a material person and wealth was not provided, but she was able to trawl through a few alternate universes and locate a Mr Joél Garçon to manage the side. Which could be confusing, given his presence in a simultaneous tale of adventure, not to be named here.
03-15-2006, 02:53 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #4
Iain Bartholomew. A young Scottish coach with bags of fictional experience. Inherits a staff featuring Abedi Pele as his assistant and himself as a coach, confusingly.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>The Squad</UL>
David MarshallGK, 20yo SCO
Signed from Celtic for £1,800,000. Expected to be first choice.
Paul GrahamGK, 20yo SCO
Local boy.
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Tomas HübschmanD RC, 23yo CZE
Signed for an extortionate £10,000,000 from Shakhtar Donetsk. Expected to captain the side from right back.
Steven CampbellD L, 19yo SCO
Signed from Rangers for a nominal sum, the youngster looks like a potential candidate to start at left back.
Stephen McManusD LC, 22yo SCO
Former Celtic player added for £180,000 early in Bartholomew's tenure. Looks like a genuine starter at an early stage.
Kevin HoflandD C, 26yo NED
Wolfsburg demanded £5,000,000 for the former Dutch wonderkid, who's career has drifted somewhat. Will have to do well to justify that tag.
David NavarroD C, 25yo, ESP
Signed from Valencia for little under a million pounds, but will have to do well to unseat McManus or Hofland.
Alan HuttonD/WB R, 20yo SCO
Rangers weren't looking to hold on to the young full back and Bartholomew pounced. Suffering from a lingering injury.
Didier AgatheD/WB/AM R, 30yo FRA
The only signing over 30, Didier will lend experience to a young, but gifted squad.
Steven SmithD/WB L, 19yo SCO
Another full back deemed surplus at Ibrox, will compete with Campbell for the left back slot.
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Lucas BernardiDM, 27yo ARG
£3,900,000 was sufficient to tempt Monaco to part with Bernardi who is a solid passer and great ball-winner.
Simon FerryDM, 17yo SCO
Will have a lot to learn, but is around some talented defensive midfielders to pick it all up from. Signed from Celtic for a small fee.
Denny LandzaatDM/M RC, 29yo NED
Denny took some convincing, but arrived on Bute to compete with Bernardi for a starting spot. At 29 is not the future, but can shape it with his example.
Paul WeaverDM/M RC, 19yo ENG
The lone Englishman in the squad, Paul signed from Ayr for a shot at learning from the best at his position in Scottish football.
Chris BurkeAM R, 21yo SCO
Burke was discarded by Rangers and looks to have found a home in Rothesay.
Charles N'ZogbiaAM LC, 19yo FRA
A prodigiously talented young player, Chas has all the right tools to be a star.
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Chaouki Ben SaadaAM/F LC, 21yo TUN
Bastia looked for, and got, £6,000,000 in exchange for the Tunisian forward, who can create goals as well as score them.
Shaun MaloneyAM/F C, 22yo SCO
Maloney cost a little over £2,000,000 from Celtic, where he was not required. Still just 22, he will be looking to establish himself in Bartholomew's team.
Julius AghahowaF C, 23yo NIG
Another Shakhtar signing, this time for almost £7,000,000, Julius brings flair and pace to a near-complete side.
Robert DavidsonST, 19yo SCO
Davidson is coming off a long-term injury, but has a chance to thrive away from the bright lights of Ibrox.
Nikola ZigicST, 24yo SCG
The Serbia & Montenegro international should be the class of the field, but injury is preventing a fast start to the campaign.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>The Idea</UL>
Bartholomew's goal is to win the 3rd, 2nd and 1st Divisions in consecutive seasons with ease, at which point the squad should be coming into their prime. Failure any year will not be seen favourably by Her Upstairs.
03-15-2006, 05:49 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #5
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Knut Haraldsson - The Faroese manager has a reputation of making the most out of limited resources. Traditionally keen to recruit players of the same nationality as the side he is in charge of, Ayr fans can expect nothing less than his best efforts.</UL>
The Squad
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Otto Konrad - GK, 40yo, AUT - Veteran presence between the stick.
<LI>Roberto Giacomi - GK, 19yo, CAN - Canadian youngster keen to unseat his more illustrous rival.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Peter Weatherson - D RC / ST, 25yo, ENG - Versatile former Morton player brings a lot of options to the table.
<LI>Mark McLaughlin - D LC, 29yo, SCO - Ex-Hamilton and Clyde defender with a renowned mean streak.
<LI>Eamonn Fullerton - D L, 20yo, SCO - Livingston had no intention of retaining this player, but he should be capable of performing in the Second Division.
<LI>Sean Webb - D C, 22yo, NIR - Ross County weren't keen to part with Webb and insisted on a hefty sell-on clause.
<LI>Gary MacKenzie - D C, 19yo, SCO - Rangers reject, but talented enough to start for Ayr.
<LI>Pat Keogh - D C / DM / AM/F C, 29yo, SCO - Another versatile player who adds options to Ayr's bench or team.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Marvyn Wilson - DM, 31yo, SCO - Returns to the team where he had his best years with a mandate to get stuck right in.
<LI>Marc Kalenga - DM, 20yo, FRA - Another player unwanted at Ibrox, Marc can win the ball and pass it, both valuable talents in this league.
<LI>Allan Walker - M RC, 19yo, SCO - Livingston reserve keen to make an impact at Somerset Park.
<LI>Ingi Højsted - M C, 19yo, FRO - Knut's fellow Faroese started at Arsenal, but returned to his native land in failure before earning this move. May be his last shot at the big time.
<LI>Ryan Russell - AM L, 18yo, SCO - Former Partick wide man, pacey and tricky.
<LI>Kevin Byers - AM C, 26yo, SCO - Brechin didn't take kindly to losing Byers, who has a nice scoring touch for a midfielder.
<LI>John Rankin - AM C, 22yo, SCO - Ex-Manchester United player, stolen from Ross County, who again insisted on a large sell-on clause.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Brian Carrigan - AM RLC / F C, 25yo, SCO - Former wonderkid, who never quite made it as he ought to have done. Chance for redemption here.
<LI>David Graham - AM RC / F C, 22yo, SCO - Never quite caught on at Gretna, but talented enough to shine in the Second Division.
<LI>Tom Brighton - AM L / ST, 21yo, SCO - Didn't break through at Rangers and now discarded by Clyde - will have a point to prove.
<LI>Willie McLaren - AM LC / ST, 20yo, SCO - Another major acquisition, Airdrie United's golden boy and a major goal threat.
<LI>Santino Marini - AM / F C, 18yo, SCO - St. Mirren youngster signed for a nominal fee. Feisty and prolific, a good fit for Haraldsson's offence.
<LI>Michael Moore - ST, 24yo, SCO - Stranraer hero, but not the best addition of all.
<LI>John Johnston - ST, 18yo, SCO - Rangers youngster found surplus to requirements. Should score goals here.</UL>
03-16-2006, 05:42 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #7
Thanks, chesterfan2, if that is in fact your real name...
One last thing...
The Idea
Haraldsson is challenged with ascending to the SPL within two years of Rothesay's progress. He has a division of a head start, but less of a draw to players. By opting for a number of established First Division players it is clear the initial goal is to go up and stay up.
03-17-2006, 11:16 AM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #8
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Ingi Ingimarsson - Another Faroese manager, but a very different character from his compatriot at Ayr. Ingi is very much the kind of guy to give youth a chance, but is always on the look out for additional talent to bolster his ranks.</UL>
The Squad
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Artur Boruc - GK, 25yo, POL - An existing squad member, yet talented enough to be retained for now.
<LI>Lee Camp - GK, 21yo, ENG - Englishman addded from Derby. Thankfully not as limp-wristed as his name suggests.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Álvaro Mej*a - D RC, 23yo, ESP - Real Madrid didn't have room for this player, but Ingimarsson likes the cut of his jib.
<LI>Gary Caldwell - D RC /DM, 23yo, SCO - Hibs were convinced to part with their leading defender, but it looks possible that he will be deplpoyed in a holding midfield role at Celtic Park.
<LI>Martyn Corrigan - D RC / M C, 28yo, SCO - Very much a stopgap/backup signing.
<LI>Anton Ferdinand - D C, 19yo, ENG - West Ham were surprisingly keen to offload the young defender, which raises questions.
<LI>Gary Irvine - D/WB R / DM, 20yo, SCO - Youngster who came in to the team early doors and cemented his place at right back with a string of accomplished performances.
<LI>Tony McParland - D/WB L, 22yo, SCO - Another youngster who's emergence has saved the club millions.
<LI>Lee Wallace - D/WB L, 18yo, SCO - Hearts player prised away to offer competition and depth at left back.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Constantin Gâlcä - DM, 33yo, ROM - Midfield enforcer, picked up for a bargain fee. Bags of experience and ten times better than Neil bloody Lennon.
<LI>Scott Severin - M C, 26yo, SCO - Aberdeen couldn't hang on to the talented midfielder, who has his best years ahead of him.
<LI>Teddy Bjarnason - M C, 18yo, ISL - Like Irvine and McParland, Bjarnason started before the big names came in and made it impossible to drop him by his performances.
<LI>Aiden McGeady - AM RC, 19yo, "IRL" - Fringe member of the first team squad, likely to be moved on at some stage.
<LI>Peter Leven - AM C, 21yo, SCO - Kilmarnock barely put up a fight for their prized asset.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Maciej Zurawski - AM RC / F C, 29yo, POL - Kind of old for a long-term project, but a capable goalscorer in the interim.
<LI>Bosko Balaban - AM R / ST, 26yo, CRO - Former Villa flop is expected to produce the goods domestically and in Europe.
<LI>Craig Beattie - AM R / ST, 21yo, SCO - Like McGeady, Beattie is only on the fringes of first team participation at the present time.
<LI>Dumitru Laurentiu Rosu - AM LC / F C, 28yo, ROM - A pricey buy, but tricky and creative enough to add value to those around him.
<LI>David Clarkson - ST, 20yo, SCO - One for the future, signed after scoring four goals in one game against Ingimarsson's side.
<LI>Eddie Johnson - ST, 21yo, USA - American prodigy, big marketing potential here.
<LI>John Hartson - ST, 30yo, WAL - Would be surplus to requirements if he didn't keep on scoring goals left, right and centre.
<LI>Garry O'Connor - ST, 22yo, SCO - Added from Hibs to bring pace and power to the front line.</UL>
The Plan
Domestic success and progress in Europe. But within the plan is a commitment to youth and to style. The phasing out of older, stopgap talent and the phasing in of younger, preferably but not necessarily Scottish, talent will become evident if the plan plays out as intended.
03-17-2006, 12:01 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #9
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Joél Garçon - A veteran Luxembourger who has had success in other realms with the club, without spending huge quantitites of cash. Expected to replicate that here.</UL>
The Squad
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Craig Gordon - GK, 22yo, SCO - Young Scots goalie with bags of potential. Should be an international regular for years.
<LI>Lenny Pidgeley - GK, 21yo, ENG - Former Chelsea player looking to establish himself as a starting calibre goalie.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Pablo Ruiz - D LC, 23yo, ESP - Youngster added from Seville for £575,000. A key building block.
<LI>Ian Murray - D LC /DM, 24yo, SCO - Versatile defender who Garçon was more than happy to keep around.
<LI>Andy Webster - D C, 23yo, SCO - Former Hearts and Arbroath man, signed for his presence and youth.
<LI>Aldin Peljto - D C / DM, 17yo, BIH - Just £1000 was required to sign this talented player from PSV. Good enough to play either in defence or midfield.
<LI>Julien Cetout - D C / DM, 17yo, FRA - Former St.Etienne player signed to anchor the defence for the future. At just £775,000 could prove a bargain.
<LI>Steven Hammell - D/WB L, 23yo, SCO - Picked up from Motherwell for £230,000, Steven is a prodigiously talented youngster.
<LI>Daniele Semenzato - D/WB/AM R, 18yo, ITA - At just $170,000 from Inter, this young fullback has the world at his feet. If only he knew which way to kick it.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Milan Thomas - DM, 19yo, FRA - £26,000 from Lyon was the story on this kid, but he has a chance to prove his value is far greater.
<LI>Guy Dufour - M LC, 18yo, BEL - Another signing from PSV, this time at £350,000. One for the present and the future.
<LI>Paolo Sammarco - M C, 22yo, ITA - It's hard to imagine that Barry Ferguson could be replaced by a £700,000 signing. Sammarco was co-owned by Chievo and Milan.
<LI>Alex Pederzoli - M C, 21yo, ITA - £850,000 from Lucchese makes Pederzoli one of the bigger additions, and he has the opportunity to play a major role.
<LI>Alberto Baggio - M C, 18yo, ITA - Reggina wanted only £26,000 for this blatantly talented midfielder, a bargain.
<LI>Barry Ferguson - M C, 27yo, SCO - You thought he'd been sold, admit it! Garçon imagines a holding role for the underachieving club captain.
<LI>David Fuster - AM R, 23yo, ESP - At £160,000 from Villarreal, Fuster was not a reject. Yet to hone his skills to perfection, but has real potential.
<LI>Tijani Bel Aïd - AM RC, 18yo, TUN - Young Tunisian midfielder signed for £475,000 from Inter. He has all the skills, but lacks tactical discipline.</UL>
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Sebastian Giovinco - AM/F C, 18yo, ITA - Another young Italian, this one added for just £70,000 from Juventus.
<LI>Quincy Owusu Abeyie - ST, 19yo, NED - Arsenal prised £1,400,000 for Abeyie, making him the major summer signing. Expected to produce goals.
<LI>Kris Boyd - ST, 22yo, SCO - At £325,000 from Kilmarnock, Boyd fit the requirements - young and talented and cheap. Being Scottish makes him the exception though.
<LI>Federico Piovaccari - ST, 21yo, ITA - £725,000, again from Inter, but a potential sensational player. Can head the ball as well as anyone in world football.
<LI>Matteo Ardemagni - ST, 18yo, ITA - The jewel in the crown. Poached from Milan for £1,500,000 it was anticipated that Matteo would produce, and boy has he.</UL>
The Plan
Youth, balanced books, success at home and abroad and if Joél can provide all four then he'll have worked wonders. This team could be world beaters if he keeps them together long enough.
03-17-2006, 12:48 PM
Why We Shouldn't Let Deities Decide How To Run Football Post #10
Morag had set her stall out. Success was now inevitable. And if it wasn't, well she would have something to say about it. Bartholomew had been charged with his task and time had started ticking.
Nine further players were signed in August:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>Nikola Zigic - £10m, Red Star
<LI>Julius Aghahowa - £6.75m, Shakhtar
<LI>Mark Wilson - £300K, Dundee United
<LI>Roland Rat - £8.5m, Shakhtar
<LI>Barry Robson - £250K, Dundee United
<LI>Andreas Isaksson - £10m, Rennes
<LI>Mark Kerr - £210K, Dundee United
<LI>Kim Källström - £10m, Rennes
<LI>Ugur Yildirim - £10m, Heerenveen</UL>
Obviously Zigic, Aghahowa and Yildirim were attacking players with Isaksson a goalie. Rat (real name Räzvan Dinca Rat) and Wilson could play at full back and Robson, Kerr and Källström were midfielders. Injuries were rampant though and nobody was a guaranteed first pick at this club.
The month of August began on the 30th of July with a Challenge Cup game at Peterhead. Not many signings had been made at this stage and a team comprising a number of local kids was put out by Bartholomew. Not that they are untalented and a free kick from Stephen McManus was seconded by a Steven Black goal for a 2-0 win.
After opening the league campaign with a 0-0 draw against Cowdenbeath it was on to League Cup action and the visit of Queen of the South. Black scored again, but Queens soon levelled and it took penalties to separate the sides. Davidson, Maloney, N'Zogbia and Landzaat scored for Rothesay, whilst O'Neill netted and then Gibson and Payne missed for the hapless Doonhamers. Progress had been achieved, but the team wasn't yet at it's peak.
The first signs of development came as Rothesay travelled to Montrose and won 3-0 with goals from Ben Saada, who had missed a second half penalty in the League Cup game, Maloney and Davidson. A subsequent 1-0 home win over Queen's Park was less convincing, but Davidson's first half goal was sufficient to wrap up the points.
League Cup play continued with a 0-0 draw at home to Kilmarnock. This time it was Maloney, N'Zogbia, Landzaat and Weaver who netted from the spot whilst Allan Johnston and Garry Hay missed for the visitors. Another league draw looked inevitable at home to Arbroath until Bartholomew rolled the dice with ten minutes to play, sending on Allan Hutton and new signing Roland Rat to play up front (both are fullbacks) in place of the tiring Davidson and Maloney. His ploy was rewarded as Rat fired home in the third added minute to secure all the points.
The month ended with a Challenge Cup tie at home to Clyde. The game was made a bit easier by the 35th minute sending off of the visitors' Ross Gardiner. Second half goals from Zigic, on his debut, and Davidson eased the home team through.
On the whole it had been a successful month and despite the draw with Cowdenbeath and narrow home wins over Arbroath and Queen's Park the objectives had been achieved - first place in the league and alive in all competitions. With the new signings all coming in on deadline day it seemed the side was all set up for a big push in September.
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