Why Wail Until The Window’s Shut, You Fool? (An attempt at a short story)

blanklook · 11-06-2006, 02:36 PM

Football isn’t a game of logic. That was why the Hibernian board decided that the best day to sack their manager would be the last day of the winter transfer window. It was hardly a major shock: they were rock bottom of the league, 4 points adrift of safety with just 15 games to play, as well as being out of every cup, and having a top league goalscorer who’d only scored 6 times. Still, the logical thing to do would be to give the new manager time to buy new players.

But that wasn’t what happened. And so Mark Baillie was brought to the club, as the transfer window closed, knowing that he had to guide this bunch of underachievers, youngsters and just plain poor players to another season in the SPL. It was too late to bring anyone in. He’d have to make do with these players, anyone still not contracted in February and anyone who’d come on loan.

Once he actually examined the squad’s attack, he was more confident. There were good players here, and while it lacked too much depth, the likes of Garry O’Connor and Derek Riordan seemed better than 12th in the league material. Then Mark discovered the problem: the sheer awfulness of the defence. There wasn’t a decent keeper or right-back on the books and those in other defensive positions weren’t exactly brilliant. But they’d have to do.

Mark’s first matches were the best start possible: the top two sides in the league, Celtic and Livingstone. He was unlucky not to beat Celtic as Stephen Glass put him ahead after 4 minutes and Garry O’Connor had a goal ruled out before Riordan scored. But, Celtic scored thrice and won 3-2. They deserved to beat Livingstone too, but even though they struck first through O’Connor, it still wound up a 1-1 draw.

That left them 5 points from safety, but Mark had an ace up his sleeve: Swiss international Jörg Stiel. Admittedly, there were better keepers at all 11 other SPL clubs, but he was the best Mark could find and Stiel was better than the other Hibernian goalkeepers were.

The next match against Kilmarnock was dull and saw awful finishing, with the best chance being a Riordan penalty that he missed as it finished 0-0. Then, Mark somehow managed to lose a seemingly unloseable match against fellow relegation candidates Dunfermline. Riordan and O’Connor both scored as Hibernian were the better side. Dunfermline had a man sent off, but they still scored thrice to make it 3-2. After so many near misses, Mark finally won his first match at the next time of asking, against Inverness. O’Connor, Glass and Dean Shiels all scored in a deserved 3-1 victory. That left them 3 points from safety, but 11th placed Inverness had 2 games in hand.

After his first victory, Mark witnessed his team giving a pair of diabolic performances as Rangers trounced them 3-1 and Hearts beat them 4-0. Widespread changes to the side after those games seemed to work in the next match as Mark’s anger made O’Connor score a hat-trick for a 3-1 win and put Hibernian somehow just 1 point from safety.

After that, Mark was hopeful he could inspire his sides forward. Which he did as the next game against Falkirk saw Guillaume Beuzelin, Shiels, Riordan and O’Connor all score a goal. But Stiel let in 4 and, heading into injury time, it looked like Hibernian were going to get just a point. Mark sent on substitute David Ririhena who instantly scored to wrap up a 5-4 win and 3 points. The last pre-split game saw Riordan score against 3rd place Aberdeen, who then promptly hit back thrice. But Mark’s tactical ability again benefited his side and he managed to grab a point thanks to Riordan and Kevin Thomson goals.

That meant that, at the split, Hibernian were in 10th place. It wasn’t as good as it sounded, as Mark’s side led Inverness and Dunfermline only on goal difference. Also in the bottom half at the split were Falkirk, Motherwell and Kilmarnock. Post-split matches started well with Shiels scoring twice as Hibernian got an easy 2-0 win over Inverness. They deserved 3 more points in the match against Kilmarnock, especially after Riordan put them ahead. But Kilmarnock countered and scored twice and while Riordan scored again to steal a point for Mark’s side, it was 2 less than they deserved.

The next match saw the second hat trick of Mark’s reign scored by Shiels against Falkirk. But, almost to prove Hibernian were destined for the drop, it also saw the first sending off of Mark’s reign as Ririhena got an early bath for breathing on an opponent. Just to rub it in, Falkirk scored 5 times to get a completely undeserved win. The next match, the penultimate game of the season, was the dullest of Mark’s reign as they faced Motherwell. The dullness was enlivened by two goals, both for Motherwell, and two yellow cards for Shiels.

This left the situation so that either Hibernian or Dunfermline would go down, depending upon the result of the last match of the season between the two sides who were level on points. Hibernian would stay up on goal difference if they drew, but Mark still told his players to chase victory. Instead, the match opened with Gary Cladwell clearing a shot that Stiel had only half-saved off the line as it looked set to cross it. However, at the other end of the pitch, Riordan looked to have won it as he put Hibernian 2-0 up at the break. However, in the second half Dunfermline were to hit the net three times and Hibernian weren’t to manage it once.

A week later, Mark walked into the chairman’s office.

‘Congratulations on avoiding relegation,’ he was told.

‘Thanks,’ Mark replied, ‘I was a little worried when they scored their third goal, but thankfully the referee saw the punch and ruled it out.’

‘Looking forward to next season?’

‘Yes, sir.’

But that’s where this story ends. Partly, because it’s a natural conclusion. But, mainly because I was in charge of the Dunfermline side Mark bloody Baillie got relegated.