retired_jgirl87

Centre midfield of IFK Olme \o/

shannon2007

'Wewl hewwo boys, awow me to intwoduce maself, I am as you will awl know, Sir Bewt Mewton, one of the gweatest managews Engwand has eva known didn't yoo know?'

The Vartans FMS team dressing room sat in stupified silence.

'Now. I joost want to tewl yoo boys a few wules that we will be having awound heah. One. No smoking duwing matches. Two, no mastuwbating befowe, duwing ow after matches in the showew.'

Bagpuss put his hand up.

'You wea, ewm, Bagpush I beweeve, what appeaws to be the pwobwem?'

'How long before the match are we not allowed to ********** for?'

'Ow, wet me see know, I fink what like twoo days is nowmal yes?'

'And what about sex?'

'Now Bagpush, downt pwetend you've had sex wif a weal woman.'

Basgpush - I mean puss - put his hand down. His pants.

'Get wat out of theah at once you tewwible man!'

Bagpuss did as commanded. This was not going to be a lot of fun if he couldn't even play with himself.

'Now. I know you ah all vewy good chaps and all, but we need to get betta, and the onwy way we can do wat is to twain twain twain. I will be taking the twaining. We wiwl be wunning wunning wunning, so youi besht get used to thaht ok what?'

Sir Bert paused for breath. 'And now. Wet me intwoduce to you, the managew of ouw fine cwub, Mistuw Cwayton! Awl be upstandwing fow the managew!'

The players jumped up as one, looking around for the presence of someone new. Suddenly a chicken ran into the room and Sir Bert picked him up.

'Bloody hell, whats that!' Lord Crumb shouted in disgust.

Sir Bert flew into a rage, 'How day yoo speawk in the pwesence of the managew without pewmission! You wiwl be fined a weeks sawalwy!'

The players looked started, the only people in the room were them and Sir Bert. Perhaps their Assistant manager had taken leave of his senses. Still standing, no-one really knew what to do or say until suddenly Pickles blurted out, 'But, erm, excuse me your honour? Where is Mr Clayton?'

'WHART? Whawt do you mean boy? THIS' he thrust forth the chicken, 'THIS is Mistuw Cwayton, he is youw gwowious managew! BOW DOWN!'

'feck sake' Educated Hick whispered, 'Our managers a chicken!'

'Neva, NEVA, wefea to ouwew managew as a chicken !' Sir Bert exploded. 'Now. Wets get ouet wewe and twain!'

'Erm Sir Bert, before we go' Flippers butted in showing little respect - after all, he did own the club - 'I have a little surprise for the players. I know that Peacemaker7 has gotten all his players Andorran nationality and of course we couldn't let that pass. So, to stop him winning the World Cup - and you lot are going to - I've got you all passports for a country of our own. We are going to be....... San Marino!'

'Bloody hell' binny shouted, 'We're really in the crazy farm now!'

'And downt you fowget it!' Sir Bert slapped his player firmly across the cheek. 'We aw awl cwazy noooooooooooow!

retired_jgirl87

Reading that post did my head in. :p

Mike..

So my mangerial team consists of a chicken, and Kim Jong Il from Team America?!

retired_hern1001

Oooh, I'm in this \o/

rastilbear

Sounds about right. I think this may be even sillier than HDs Borat rip-off

BarryLFC

PM is the master of silly.

shannon2007

The day of the big day, the big game, the match of the season, the mother to end all mothers the..... it was time for the FMS Cup. Sponsored by Hartley Jam, with real strawberries. Are they saying other jams use fake ones?

The first leg was at Vartans, and Ingi Danielsson told his players to go out and win. 'We should gub this lot, they're pish. But of course we need to respect them blah de blah, but at the end of the day, if you lot don't win this, its 100 laps of the stadium.'

'Last time we vote you character of the year' WLKRAS muttered under his breath.

'You see, you should have voted me again' Dave Green butted in.

'FFS shut up' HD moaned, 'You're DEAD!'

The first line up for Ingi Danielsson's new team would be:

Terk; BrianW, Gino, Bobbev, Raptor; Wimb the Barman, Spav, Chesterfan2; WLKRAS, HD, Peacemaker7 Subs: Lionel Perez, Faramir, OMdave, Ell-G, Glamdring, attjen, Harlequin, -Xenon-, benny, SaC, King Jeff, displaced_seagul

It was impossible to know how they would play, but they would surely know a bit more about that after this match.

In the home dressing room, Clayton gave his own team instructions, 'Buck-buck SQUAK-buck-Squak*'

'Mr Cwaton is saying, enjoy the match. This is onwy a pweseason fweindly so don't wowwy too much about the wesult.**'

Clayton's first line up would be:

Soldout; Irishregan, James Lewis, haze13, Chonner; Blanklook, Caleyjag, Donners, Jim65; Flipsix3, Educated Hick Subs: Steve Wall, Bomjr, Richey, Mavericktango, Lord Crumb, Flann O'Brien, Andrew Downing, Bagpuss, Jack South, binny, Silverfox, Pickles

The match, being as it was the first of the season and the first competitive match these guys had ever played together, was fairly dull in the early stages. Soldout was forced into a save from WLKRAS on 14 minutes, and then PM7 fired in a superb freekick which Soldout managed to turn round the post. On 16 minutes, BrianW picked up a knock and had to go off to be replaced by -Xenon-. On 20 minutes, Flipsix3 got his sides first real chance of the game, and slowly but surely it was starting to warm up.

Spav put an effort just over the bar and the Raptor saw a shot go wide and it was becoming clear the visitors were by far the superior side. -Xenon also had an effort as the half reached the end, before PM7 and WLKRAS combined to set up HD and the chubby striker easily slotted the ball home from two yards.

PM7 was causing mayhem on the left wing as the second half got underway, and once more his cross split the Vartans defence only for WLKRAS to head over the bar. Git. PM7 himself sent an effort over the bar and it was hard to remember there was actually another team.

With an hour gone, HD and Gino were taken off to give a run out to attjen and Faramir. Eight minutes from time, another devasting PM7 cross once more found WLKRAS int he box, and this time the right winger found the target to seal an easy away win and practically hand the FMS Cup to Olme with the 2nd leg to come at home.

After the match, Danielsson congratulated his players whilst Clayton told his lot they were crap and they better pull their socks up. So much for enjoying the match then.

(* try to imagine the noises a chicken makes. After all, Clayton is (or was rather, cos I'm sure we all are him after the UCMS1 escape) a chicken.)

(**Sir Bert Merton is an upperclass English toff and what I'm twying to convey here is that silly lisp they all have, like Jonafon Woss, only much much posher. Sorry if he sound asian, its not easy!)

shannon2007

The 2nd leg was as eagerly anticipated as a Jew in Palestine, and to prove it 111 people turned up at Olme's ground. Vartan were probably needing a miracle and 13 minutes in they got one, as Educated Hick proved that being blind is not a handicap in football as he sent his side into the lead. Certainly this was a much more competitive match, but perhaps that was because the Olme boys knew they had won and on 38 minutes Wimb the Barman fired in a spectacular effort to make sure and so despite only drawing 1-1 at home, Olme had done enough to lift the first ever FMS Cup and leave Flipsix3, Clayton and their ilk with egg all over their faces.

The Swedish Cup was interesting, but not for Vartan who were not invited to take part, which really just shows how pish they are. Olme meanwhile had a first round match with Timra at home, and goals on the 11th and 18th minute for Peacemaker7 made the way to the 2nd round that bit smoother. Three minutes from halftime, HD added a third and the second half was simply a matter of playing out time which the players did. The 2nd round was at home to Superettan side Assyriska. This should of course be a much tougher match, and in the end thats how it panned out. Five hundred and thirty nine people turned up to see their heroes fight bravely but go down by 2-0 and there would be no Cup glory for Ingi Danielsson this season.

Away from club football, and both Andorra and San Marino had friendly matches to play. Clayton took his San Marino side to Denmark and they ended up wishing they hadn't bothered. Denmark are a class, silky footballing side, the FMS lads certainly are not and it was only a surprise that the final score was kept at 6-0 to the Danes. There wasn't one single San Marino player who stood out and with Germany the next match in the first of the Euro 2008 Qualifiers, it looks like there could be yet another drubbing on the cards, and it might be time to revisit the world record scoreline.

For Andorra, there was a home match with Poland. It must have been a strange thing for the 887 Andorrans who turned up to see a bunch of strangers posing as their players. Quite literally. For all the Andorran players, this was the first time they had ever set foot in the country and they were not really made to feel overly welcome. Poland also were in no mood to be charitable as they strolled to a comfortable 3-0 win. HD was red carded after 55 minutes and will now miss the Euro opener with England.

Which might be a blessing in disguise. For HD.

retired_hern1001

Haw, scored on my debut :cool: