retired_confal2

I know one thing; if I were flying out of England knowing I wouldn't go back there for another twenty-five years, I wouldn't be looking out 'with sadness in my eyes'...

And Brian, 'imaginary' is no good to anyone. Just my luck to be stuck in a cell with you

shannon2007

It's spaztastic.

shannon2007

And I'm with Dave, not seeing England is a bonus, probably would be tears of joy

retired_embartl

does anyone actually regret leaving England

Dave it's quite simple, I have some paper here, and there appears to be an assortment of weeds and animal excrement in that corner over there. I'm rolling now ok? Remember it's a long time until we'll be out of this here cell

retired_ajbrittney

Oh yes, I dislike hot weather immensely, I can never get to sleep and I feel all irritable and weary.

retired_jgirl87

Perhaps I should have written “It was the last that they would see of Britain for the next twenty-five years”, but I’m sure some of you pedantic whingers would have had a go at that as well.

retired_jgirl87

Of course the accommodation in the luxury hotel at Kuta Beach only applied to those paying customers on the Qantas flight and not the filthy criminals who were being transported to Australia. Instead they were whisked away to Kerobokan prison upon their disembarkation from the Jumbo jet. Now it must be said that the conditions at this foul and squalid jail made the holdings cells at the Old Bailey seem like five-star hotel in the Caribbean by comparison. Luckily (if that is the right word) for ‘The FMS Gang’ they would only being staying in this place for one night, so they were placed in the Remand Section cells where the native rats and cockroaches were of a less fearsome demeanour.

OMDave and Brian of Nazareth already seemed to be getting on each other’s nerves by being housed together in the same cell after previously being shackled together on the flight. There had been a few raised words between the two and suddenly a pushing match erupted after Brian’s efforts in purchasing a joint from a local prisoner in the adjacent cell ended in the newly purchased item being dropped to the floor so that it rolled out off the cell and out of their reach. No-one paid much attention as there were fights going on between the locals prisoners at regular intervals anyway. OMDave gave Brian an almighty shove in his frustration and Brian crashed against the cell door which suddenly sprang open. Everything stopped as the prisoners gazed at the now-open door. Should they make a break for it or would it be better to sit out their time here and travel on to Australia instead?

It was uskopite who made up their minds of those in the cell as he suddenly sprang to his feet and walked through the open door saying that it was “time that I tasted the sweet nectar of paradise”. Brian of Nazareth and OMDave gave each other a nod and they both took off as well. There were another three prisoners in the same cell. WLKRAS decided that he might as well enjoy the fresh air, so he got up and left as well and displaced_seagull got up to follow the others also. That left just Gricehead in the cell. “You fools”, he yelled at the disappearing quintet, “they’ll just string you up by your balls when they catch you, then they’ll shoot you after that”. He got up and pulled the cell door shut. “Bugger that for a joke, I’m staying here”, he announced.

The remainder of ‘The FMS Gang’ looked on from their cells. “Good luck to that jammy bugger OMDave”, said Terk. “He’s only ever done one story on FMS that I know of and that was some shoddy effort about pirates or something. Anyway it was based in France, so I never read the bloody thing properly. He was a bit unlucky to get caught up in the whole episode in the first place”. Peacemaker7 waved his finger at Terk. “Rubbish, we’re all in this together – one story from him or four hundred and sixteen from me – it’s all the same. If that was my cell door that was open, then I’d been doing the same as him. After all, what can be worse than being sent to Australia for twenty-five years?”

retired_jgirl87

It was 4.30am when the prisoners that had managed to go to sleep were woken by loud yelling and they joined their more wary comrades who had stayed awake in the squalor of Kerobokan prison. Several Indonesian guards marched in escorting some new additions to the jail’s population. There were five prisoners – of course, it was uskopite, OMDave, Brian of Nazareth, WLKRAS and displaced_seagull – and they all looked in various stages of intoxication. They were bundled back into the cell from which they had left nine hours earlier, but interestingly no-one checked the lock that had been broken earlier. Gricehead surveyed his returned colleagues and asked the question that everyone was wondering about. “So where have you lot been and what happened out there?”

WLKRAS looked the fittest of the bunch and it was he who answered the question. “We just walked out of here, man. No-one stopped us once we had got out into the main hallway. We thought that uskopite would give the game away by yelling out in his American accent, so we chased him down and caught up with him. He just wanted to party at the nearest bar that we could find. We didn’t have far to go to find a place and displaced_seagull managed to pickpocket a credit card from some drunken Swedish tourist. Brian of Nazareth put on his best Scandinavian accent and went up to the bar and asked to set up a tab using the card. We’d been drinking for a while and flirting with a few of the local ladies when OMDave suddenly flew out of his chair, in the process dumping onto the floor the local Balinese girl who had been sitting in his lap”. WLKRAS stopped to get his breath back and take a swig of water from a plastic bottle that he was carrying and then he continued with the tale. “It seems that Dave was having a bit of a feel around when he discovered that his ‘girl’ had a ****. I think it was a bit of a shock, to say the least”.

OMDave took up the tale. “You’re telling me it was a ‘shock’, mate. Suddenly this she-male is up off the floor, effing and swearing at me in a combination of Balinese and English. Some minder comes running over from the bar, so I decked him with a right hook when it looked like he was going to get a bit nasty. Another geezer stepped out and Brian nailed him with a neat uppercut, so we were doing alright at this stage. seagull tried to calm things down and WLKRAS said we’d better leave, but bloody uskopite was suddenly up and standing in the middle of the floor saying that America feared no-one and we’d take on the lot of them. Needless to say, someone had already called the police and a bunch of the local flatfoots quickly arrived, so we thought we’d better take it easy after that. They took us down to the local police station, but when they found that all five of us had no papers on us, they decided to lock us up for the night while they sorted it out. So here we are, back with you mugs again, but this time with charges of drunk and disorderly and assault against us as well”.

Gricehead shook his head. “See, I told you no good would come of this. Give your balls one last rub fellas, because these locals will be cutting them off later today, of that I am sure”.

enjikari

That last sentence makes it sound as though Gricehead wants some gay action :eek:!

retired_aurie1201

:cool:

Feckin American's - You'd think THEY were the ones that were orginally a convict colony!

So auto-censor . . .that girl had a what? Some four letter word . . .
a beer? no . . .
a wart? no . . .
a ****? A ****!!!! :eek: Oh my gosh I'm going to be sick