retired_amyslack

From Rags To Riches

Background

A while ago this thread in the GQ forum caught my eye as I thought it might provide the framework for an interesting tale. Sadly it didn’t and the following dross is all I have to offer – better than nothing I suppose! I am using FM06 with kust the Northern Ireland leagues loaded.

retired_amyslack

Season One

Enniskillen is the County Town of Fermanagh in Northern Ireland, located almost exactly in the Centre of the County on the natural island which separates the Upper and Lower sections of Lough Erne. With a population of approximately 13,500 it is the retail centre for the county and is also a popular tourist destination. The name Enniskillen came to prominence in the UK and beyond on November 8th 1987 when a bomb exploded during a Remembrance Day service killing 11 people and injuring more than 60 others.

But our story is not concerned with the brutalities of a long-running political problem that has bedevilled Ireland for decades. We are concerned with the local football team, Enniskillen Rangers, who in June 2006 gained promotion to the Second Division of the Irish Football League. This was quite some achievement for such a small club but their adventure in Senior Football almost ended before it had begun after a betting scandal was uncovered by the local press. The club Chairman acted quickly, dismissing everyone at the club who was implicated. Sadly this included the manager, the backroom staff and the entire playing squad!

This clearly left the club in a difficult position. On the one hand they had managed to retain their newfound league status but on the other they had no players, no manager and no coaches. As we all know desperate times need desperate measures, hence the employment of 49-year-old Fergus Tiernan as their new manager. Fergus had the advantage that he was a) cheap and b) available and in combination this more than made up for the fact that he had precious little experience in managing a football team. For “precious little” read none. But what Fergus lacked in experience he more than made up for in his almost manic self-confidence, especially when fuelled by several pints of Guinness, by far his favourite tipple.

Despite the significant handicap of having no managerial experience Fergus was upbeat about his new job. Why? Because he had a plan, that’s why. He would contact the one person he knew who had any knowledge whatsoever of the beautiful game, an old chum by the name of Alan Gracey. The man in question had played in the top flight for Glenavon and had just finished a six-year stint in charge of non-league Hanover, a small club near the town of Portadown. Such was Fergus’s tenuous grasp of both football and geography that the new Enniskillen manager believed that his friend had been overseas managing in the Bundesliga and he was immensely impressed by that thought. The two arranged to meet in Fergus’s office (the back room of a pub called The Corner Bar) to discuss the situation.

It should be explained at this point that Fergus had good reasons to locate himself in a pub. For starters, the small room that he used was infinitely more comfortable and welcoming than the leaky portakabin that formed the club’s official administration centre. Secondly, the premises had on hand a ready supply of draught Guinness to ensure that the new manager’s confidence and enthusiasm were maintained. Finally, the recent addition of Sky television provided the rookie manager with a readily-available window into events in the amazing world of football through the wonder that was Sky Sports News. True, the bar was quite some distance from the 1,500-capacity Enniskillen Road Ground that the team called home but given that Fergus was the club’s only employee that seemed to be a secondary consideration at this point.

The two men met as arranged and were soon knuckling down to the business at hand. Gracey quickly agreed to join Fergus, signing on as the manager’s right hand man. As the two shook hands to seal the deal, the new Assistant Manager of Enniskillen Rangers made a surprising suggestion.

“Tell you what Fergus, you’d better register me as a player as well.”

“A player?” Fergus looked shocked. “But Al, you’re 52 years old. You’re older than me for feck’s sake – how can I possibly think of playing you?”

“Three reasons. One - I may be older than you but I’m a damn sight fitter that you’ll ever be. I keep myself in great shape and I’d put many a youngster to shame. Two – with no transfer budget the chances are that you’ll have to sign up quite a lot of youngsters and they always need an experienced head to support them out on the pitch. Three – you have precisely no players registered right now so you have to get the ball rolling somehow.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you keeling over with a heart attack you know.”

“I’m positive – I can handle a game a week, no problem. So, who else have you talked to about coming on board?”

“Who else have I talked to? Well I don’t know anyone else that knows anything about football.”

“So no one then?”

“Right.”

“Well I know a few lads around here that might be interested so I’ll make some calls. We need to start with getting a couple of experienced coaches in and it wouldn’t do any harm if they could pull their boots on when required. We better get a sponge man as well ‘cause sure as heck we’ll need to keep everyone as fit as possible.”

“A sponge man? A man that likes sponge cakes?”

“No, a physio you eejit. Someone to work on fitness and the like.”

“Oh aye, right enough.”

“And we need to do something about scouting if we’re going to find some players.”

“Scouting – you mean dib-dib-dib and all that?”

“I do not mean dib-dib-dib and all that! I mean someone who can get out and about looking at potential signings. Jaysus Fergus, you really have no idea about this do you?”

“Well to be honest Al I’m not really a details man. At the moment I’m concentrating on the big picture, you know, branding and the like.”

“Branding?”

“Aye, you know, building the Enniskillen Rangers brand name to increase our profile locally. I’m thinking along the lines of “Sexy Football Comes to County Fermanagh” – what do you think?”

Gracey raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

“See, that’s made you think now hasn’t it” enthused Fergus. “Well it sounds like we’ve both got a lot to do so why don’t you get off and make your phone calls and leave me to carry on strategising. We’ll get together in a few days and see how things are going.”

retired_thalathala

great start mate. i love these ***** teams with no players stories. keep it up!

retired_amyslack

Cheers syd!

Within two days Gracey was back in Fergus’s “office” accompanied by two other men who he introduced as “Eamonn Kavanagh and Dessie Edgar, our first new recruits. They’ve both agreed to sign up as player/coaches and they’ll be helping me to bring in more players as well.”

“Pleased to meet both of you” said Fergus, adding somewhat hesitantly, “Er, neither of you fellas are exactly in the first flush of youth are you?”

“Dessie is 48 and Eamonn’s 39” Gracey replied on their behalf.

Fergus did some quick mental arithmetic. “Right, so far we have three players signed up with a total combined age of 139. Forgive me if I’m not too enthusiastic.”

“Well Fergus, there’s no need to be so rude” Gracey retorted. “These fellas have years of experience behind them and have both done me a personal favour by coming out of retirement to help us out. At least I’m doing something positive which is more that I can say for you.”

“I resent that remark Al. As a matter of fact I’ve been continuing with our branding exercise and I’ve started talking to a number of potential sponsors. Flannery’s Funeral Directors are dead keen, Mrs. Shaunnesy at the Post Office wants me to keep her posted and Michael Devlin of Devlin’s Car Mart said he thought the idea had some mileage. So don’t you tell me that I’ve not been busy. Oh, and while I was at the Post Office I put a card in the window so we should see some results from that pretty soon.”

“You put a card in the window? What did it say?”

Fergus handed several postcards to Gracey, saying “I made up quite a few so have a couple for yourself in case you spot a good location.”

“Well, I’m very impressed Fergus. We’ll be off now and see if we can find a suitable place for these.”

With that Alan Gracey and his companions left The Corner Bar and, pausing only to rip up the postcards and discard them in a nearby litter bin, they made their way to the ground at Enniskillen Road to pursue their player search by more conventional means.

retired_amyslack

Over the next few weeks Gracey trooped along to Fergus’s place of work on a regular basis, each time with one or two newly signed players in tow. Each was briefly introduced to the Enniskillen manager who by way of a greeting generally insulted or disparaged the new player in some manner before turning back to his Guinness, his marketing plans and his sexy football blueprint.

“Paul Slavin, 18 year old midfielder.”

“Do you ever wash that hair of yours son?”

“Ian Bowles, 20 year old midfielder.”

“Bloody hell, he’ll need a stepladder to win any headers.”

“Paul Waite, 17 year old midfielder.”

“Have you seen the doctor about that acne recently?”

“Conor Gregg, 20 year old midfielder.”

“Another wee midfielder – can you not find any defenders?”

“Padraig Gollogley, 27 year old defender.”

“Bejesus, he looks like Peter Crouch on steroids – at least we’ll be OK if a fight breaks out.”

“Billy Garnon, 25 year old midfielder and Colin Trueick, 19 year old forward.”

“Are you sure it’s not Ant and Dec?”

“Stefan Wojciechowski, 23 year old defender and Mickey Donnelly, 38 year old defender and coach.”

“Well you know what they say about Polish plumbers – maybe you could have a look at those leaky shower heads in the changing rooms. And are you sure we need another OAP at the back?”

“Paddy Glasgow, 18 year old midfielder.”

“Are you standing in a trench son?”

“Fred Fleming, 37 year old defender and coach.”

“Can you not find any younger ones for the defence?”

“Stuart Williamson, 19 year old defender.”

“Jeezus, now don’t you be looking in any mirrors in the dressing room – we don’t need the bad luck that would bring.”

“Alan Cochrane, 19 year old midfielder.”

“You look like you live on pizzas and burgers – I don’t think we’ve got a pair of shorts big enough for you.”

“David Dillon, 18 year old defender.”

“I hope you’re not a centre back ‘cause you’d have to climb on the goalie’s back to reach the crossbar!”

Then one day in early August Gracey arrived at the bar on his own.

“What’s this Al, no new world beaters with you today then? Have you emptied out all of the old folk’s homes and local borstals already?”

“Listen here Fergus, while you’ve been wasting your time supping Guinness I’ve been grafting to put a squad together for you. Are you not even a little bit grateful?”

“Of course I am Al, of course I am. But I’m trying out my new management style – ‘Fear Is A Form Of Respect’ – it’s all the rage in corporate America at the moment and we need to stay with the times if we’re going to attract big-money American investors.”

“Is that what it is? And there’s me thinking that you were just being an erse! Well you might like to make an appearance at the stadium now and then and start managing the players. We’ve got a game in three days you know.”

“Already? I thought that the league didn’t start until late September?”

“It doesn’t but we’ve got the Intermediate Cup group stages before that.”

“A Cup! Oh wouldn’t it be great to start off by winning a Cup.”

“It would Fergus but we’ve got about as much chance of that happening as you have of securing a big-money American investor. For a start, did you notice anything missing when I introduced all of the new signings to you?”

“Apart from hair, teeth and general athletic ability you mean? No, I can’t say that I did.”

“Did you hear me at any time say the word ‘Goalkeeper’?”

“Now that you mention it I can’t recall hearing that, no.”

“That’s because we don’t have one. I don’t know why but for the life of me I can’t find a keeper who is willing to turn out for us.”

“I can’t understand that Al, after all they’d be sure to get a lot of practice. Well we better get to the ground then and find out which of our outfielders fancies a go between the sticks.”

retired_amyslack

Young midfielder Paddy Glasgow turned out to be the most willing of the Enniskillen players to turn out as an emergency goalkeeper. Standing at just over five and a half feet tall he was not the most obvious candidate but as his manager said “Any port in a storm, eh boys!” To the huge surprise of the 184 brave souls who paid to watch, Enniskillen somehow secured a point by gaining a 1-1 draw with visitors Oxford United Stars. To everyone’s amazement the home side took the lead after quarter of an hour. However, it was less of a surprise when the equaliser came from a lob over the tiny stand-in goalie’s head. Convinced that they had a winning tactic the visitors spent the rest of the game trying to repeat the same manoeuvre but thanks to their inept shooting there was no further scoring.

A week later Enniskillen were on the road and received a 4-0 pummelling by Ballymoney United. But as their manager pointed out two of the goals did come from penalties, both offences arising from tackles from the enthusiastic but clumsy Padraig Gollogley.

As the team prepared for their 3rd group match Alan Gracey appeared at The Corner Bar with no less than three unfamiliar faces.

“Fergus, meet your latest batch of new players. Mark Craig is a 27 year old striker and Stephen Johnston is a 28 year old midfielder and both of them have joined from H&W Welders. And this is Ryan McKennon, a 19 year old striker from Grove United.”

Fergus looked momentarily confused. “What, you mean that these are real footballers? They used to play for proper teams and all that? Fantastic work Al. Oh, while you’re here I’ve got some pretty good news for you. Remember that card that I put up in the Post Office? Well it paid dividends. A couple of lads who were in cashing their invalidity benefit saw it and got in touch.” He waved to two middle-aged men propping up the bar. “Al, I want you to meet Mickey Keenan and David Crockard – our goalkeeping problems are over!”

With 50 year old Keenan in place as number one keeper and the 42 year old Crockard as his youthful deputy, Enniskillen prepared for their remaining Intermediate Cup games with a newfound confidence. A 0-0 draw at home to First Division Moyola Park gave them a boost and they followed that up with a stirring 3-2 win at Brantwood, coming from 2-1 down to get the win. But their crowning achievement was to return from group winners Carrick with a 3-0 win having comprehensively outplayed the Division One outfit.

Fergus was delighted with his team’s performances and his mood was improved further when his hard work paid off and he secured the club’s first sponsorship deal. He was quick to break the good news to his Assistant in the comfort of his usual table at The Corner Bar.

“I told you that my marketing focus would pay off and all you did was laugh” he told Alan Gracey. “But my schmoozing of Flannery’s Funeral Directors has worked out big time – they’re going to sponsor our kit for this season with an option on next season as well.” He rustled around in a plastic carrier bag and drew out a football shirt. “See, here’s a sample for you to take a look at.”

Gracey took the shirt and held it up so that it unfolded in its full glory. “The slogan’s not too bad – Be Dead Certain With Flannery’s – but are you sure about the logo? I’m not sure that a coffin is the best way to inspire the players. I mean some of them are knocking on a bit you know!”

retired_amyslack

Enniskillen Rangers made an encouraging start to their league campaign with a win and three draws in their opening four matches. They also had some success in the Irish Cup by beating non-league opposition at home in both the 2nd and 3rd rounds of the competition. None of their players were outstanding although it was worthy of note that forwards Craig and McKennon both had an eye for goal and had scored ten times between them. 50 year old keeper Keenan had managed six clean sheets in nine appearances and midfielders Stephen Johnston and Ian Bowles were coming up with assists.

But despite this modest success on the pitch all was not well with manager Tiernan and his right hand man and things came to a head one evening during a “planning meeting” in The Corner Bar. Gracey had just finished listening to Fergus explain at length how his team were morally the holders of the Intermediate Cup.

“…and so my point is that Carrick might have beaten Wakehurst in the Final but we beat Carrick in the group – 3-0 remember – so you could argue that the trophy should be ours ‘cause we were the only team to beat them in the entire competition. I think I’ll write to the Irish FA about that – they really should consider awarding us the trophy anyway. What do you think?”

“Whatever you want Fergus, but I’d be surprised if they accepted your argument to be honest. Anyway, there’s a couple of things that I need to talk to you about.”

“Fire away Al, as you know my door is always open.”

“Well, it’s about your team talks.”

“What about them?”

“They’re pretty short.”

“Pithy, I would say.”

“And very similar.”

“Consistency is good.”

“Yes, but identical isn’t. Every half time all you say is ‘keep up the good work’ and at full time it’s ‘well done lads, good result’”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well from time to time there hasn’t been much good work in the first half. And some of our results haven’t been all that good. I mean we really should have beaten Wakehurst and QUB – they are the two bottom teams after all.”

“Well what should I say then? I mean I was focussing on the positive and building the self-esteem and confidence of the players. According to ‘Breeding Winning Habits – Success Stories From Corporate USA’ that’s what you need to do.”

“Maybe it would be more effective if you pointed out specific things that the players were doing well and suggested other things that could be improved. Perhaps you could even talk to one or two players individually if they were excelling or if they were struggling and needed a boost.”

The manager’s face dropped. “But…but that means that I’d have to actually watch the matches then.”

“That brings me to the other thing that I wanted to talk to you about…”

retired_svtrott

great start. keep it up

retired_amyslack

Thanks cheese - I can confidently predict that this will not be kept up as my usual pattern is to make a promising start before fading into obscurity and I don't suppose that this story will be any different

After their cosy chat the Enniskillen management team reached an agreement – Fergus would continue to give his usual talks at half time and full time and Gracey would chip in with specific suggestions and talk to the individual players. In that way the manager would still feel that he was in touch with the squad but he could continue to spend the majority of his time on matchdays fortifying himself on Guinness. He would use The Corner Bar for home games and would take advantage of the opposition manager’s hospitality when on the road.

For some strange reason the uneasy arrangement between Manager and Assistant seemed to produce results – by the start of December Enniskillen remained unbeaten, three wins and four draws putting them 3rd in the table although it took a late late goal at home to Dergview to maintain their unbeaten league record. Their only reverse came in the 3rd round of the Irish Cup when the management team fielded a number of fringe players and they suffered a narrow 1-0 defeat. However their relationship was put under strain once more when discussing a forthcoming league match in the back room of The Corner Bar.

“Right then Al, who are we up against this weekend at Fortress Enniskillen?”

“PSNI. They’re in 8th place and they’ve only won twice so far so we should have a pretty good chance of a win. I was thinking of dropping Ian Bowles and giving Conor Gregg a game as he’s looked pretty keen in training. What do you think?”

Fergus was looking strangely distracted and clearly not giving his assistant his full attention.

“Fergus, I said what do you think?”

“About what Al?”

“About bringing in Gregg” said Gracey with a hint of impatience. “Are you listening to what I’m saying?”

“Sorry Al, I was just wondering, what exactly does PSNI stand for?”

“Eh!” Gracey was taken aback. “The Police Service of Northern Ireland of course. Didn’t you know that?”

The manager’s face dropped and his complexion paled. “Police Service! Does that mean that the players are all razzers?”

“I don’t think that all of them are but most of them will be, certainly. As will the manager and the coaches of course.”

“Jaysus, well I sure as feck can’t be going to that match then. I’ll have to stay here and listen to it on the radio.”

“Now go ahead and stop acting the maggot Fergus. You can’t not go – you’re the manager.”

“No Al, I’d be taking my life in my hands going anywhere near the polis. Let’s just say that we’ve got some unfinished business that I’d prefer remained unfinished.”

“Oh Fergus you eejit. Well what am I going to tell the players? Sorry that the manager can’t be here today lads but it seems that he’s on the run from the law?”

“Calm down Al, will you. I’m not on the run as such, it’s just that I’d prefer to keep a low profile as far as the Garda are concerned. Look, just tell them that I’ve come down with a virus or I’ve had to go to a funeral or something.”

Despite his assistant’s misgivings the Enniskillen manager stayed well away from the stadium and was spared the torment of an exceedingly dull 0-0 draw.

But that proved to be the only blip on the radar that month and two hat tricks in consecutive games for Mark Craig propelled Enniskillen to the top of the Second Division at the turn of the year. Fergus was probably the only person associated with the club who was not amazed by this turn of events.

retired_w0lfpack1

Laugh out loud funny, Bobbev! Remind me not to look at this while at work ever again!

"That brings me to the other thing that I wanted to talk to you about..."