shannon2007

Slowly he ripped open the envelope. He really couldn't believe he had won. He wondered what prize it could be?

'I wonder what prize it can be?' he wondered.

First prize was a three month round the world cruise for eight people. That would be so fantastic, that would be.....

We regret to inform you that you have not won our first prize of three month round the world cruise for eight people.

Oh well. Perhaps it was the second prize, an all expenses paid romantic week for two in Paris in a five star hotel.

We also regret to inform you that you have not won an all expenses paid romantic week for two in a five star Paris Hotel

Oh well. He kept reading.

This was getting silly now. He hadn't even won the free copy of FIFA Manager.

Finally, it came to the crunch.

We are pleased to inform you that you have in fact won a state of the art, highly prestigous and sought after football club. In the Blue Square Conference. North. We are sure you will have many happy hours of pleasure with your club. All relevant documents are enclosed in envelope B. There are no refunds!

Dark Muffy didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

So he did both.

shannon2007

Dark Muffy was so excited. He could hardly wait to get into the office to tell the boys, so that he arrived three hours early. Then he realised it was Sunday. Perhaps he should phone someone.

'I wonder if I should phone someone?' Muffy thought out loud, but in the end he decided against it. He didn't actually have anyone's phone number. He would just have to wait till tomorrow.

Dark Muffy did not get a wink of sleep, and arrived at the office three hours early. It was a cold wet morning, and felt that somehow he had been here before, but the thought soon slipped from his mind. As he waited for the others to arrive, Dark tried to think of what it would be like to own a football club. Oh sure they were in the Conference North now, but one day they would be Champions of Europe. Muffy just knew that was so.

Eventually the lads turned up and Muffy could hardly contain himself, having to run to the toilet three times. Once all the lads were settled at their desks, Dark stood up and tried to look important.

'I have an announcement to make' Dark said with a huge grin all over his face.

'You're getting married?' Ger asked excitedly.

'You've bought a new house' Varc Mogan pipped up.

'Oh, oh I know' Exclaimed Niles Yacubsen, 'You're pregnant!'

Even Muffy laughed.

'No no and definately NO!' Muffy took a deep breath, 'You remember that competition I took part in? The one that cost £125,000 entry fee and you all said I was mad? Well guess what? I've won!'

'Congratulations!' Coal Collier exclaimed, 'Thats magnificent. An all expenses paid round the world cruise for eight. I'll pack my bags right now!'

'Erm no' Muffy said, 'I didn't quite win first prize. Or second prize.'

'Drat' Ger sighed, 'And I really wanted to go to Paris'

'But it's something much better!' Muffy exclaimed, 'I've won a football club!'

'Manchester United?' Olive Collier asked.

'Chelsea!' Thick shouted.

'Liverpool!' Steal Degiros shouted even louder.

'All wrong!' Muffy beamed. 'Its....... Barrow!'

'Feck me' Twatt Ciga cried.

shannon2007

Unfortunately, this story cannot continue. It might offend someone, and we can't have that.

retired_vtooker

WHAT??? I was enjoying this! :eek:

retired_sachin_g006

htfc read the following link you will understand what PM is on about

http://community.sigames.com/eve/for...7/m/4112018743

shannon2007

There was stunned silence in the office.

*stunned silence*

'I don't know why there is stunned silence' Muffy said, 'It's a great prize! A real football team! Just think about it - real football team!'

Ger harrumphed. 'That's not a real football team. That's a just crap really'

'But Ger' Muffy was quite excited, 'think of the possibilities! One day we might be in the Champions League!'

'That's just being silly mate' Ger intoned.

'No hang on' Niles said, 'Muffy might have something here. Let's all get on the club mini-bus and go to Barrow, check it all out.'

Excitedly - except for Ger, who was a Scot after all - the Hyperactive crew climbed about their sixteen seater mini-bus and drove all the way to Barrow. It was a fun ride, with streamers hanging from the windows and gay songs of joy being sung as the miles passed by outside.

'Was that just Miles I saw passing by?' Varc Mogan asked.

'Who?'

'Ah never mind'

Eventually they reached Holker Street and they all piled out. It was a shabby little ground, badly in need of a lick of paint.

'It's not over impressive' Ger moaned, 'Hardly Ibrox'

'Well now that's not really fair' Muffy said, 'You have to look at the potential. The future.'

And so they did.

The future arrived pretty quickly, and the guys all took on rolls at the club. Dark Muffy would, of course, be the team manager. It was, after all his clubs. So that was only fair really, and everyone else agreed that this was indeed fair.

Nile Yacubsen was given the role as Chairman, because he was really good at that sort of thing. Varc Mogan, Olive and Coal Collier, Steal Degiros, Ger, and Rabid Ciga were all on the coaching staff and Ger had even registered as a player, although he really wasn't very good. Thick would be the physio because he had a doctors kit he got for christmas when he was seven and Twatt Ciga would be the scout as he liked to travel.

As everyone was getting ready to assume their positions, they suddenly realised they did not have an assistant manager. Suddenly an old bloke appeared, walking with the aid of a zimmer frame.

'I'm Blob Blev' the old man said, 'I'm the Assistant Manager. The players are all dying to meet you guys.'

As they made their way to the dressing room, there was a body on the floor.

'That was *censored*, he wasn't very good though so it doesn't matter that he died' Blob Blev explained, and they pushed open the door of the dressing room.

shannon2007

Muffy was far from amused.

'I'm far from amused' he told Blob Blev, 'We can get rid of these players right, and sign new ones?'

'No' Blob Blev said blandly, not wanting to say anything that might be construed as offensive.

'But it's my team!' Muffy cried, 'Surely I can do what I want?'

'Ah I take it you haven't read the small print? All these players have 50 year contracts, they cannot be sold to any club and they cannot be freed. The last owner thought it would be a real hoot.'

'But that can't be right. I'll get my lawyer onto it!'

'All legal and above board I'm afraid' Blob Blev continued, 'We're stuck with these guys until they choose to leave and that's more than likely never.'

'We'll see about that. I'll call my laywer, Pish Storie, first thing in the morning. Buggered if I'm going to be bullied into keeping these useless fuds because the last owner was an arse.'

'I'm afraid I'm going to have to call you up on that Mr Muffy sir. Firstly, you have used a sexual expletive, secondly you have insulted all our players and thirdly you have abused the good sense of the previous club owner. I'm afraid some people might find this offensive'

'Get stuffed Blob Blev' Muff said none too kindly.

'Certainly sir. I'll see you at training tomorrow?'

shannon2007

'I am sorry sir' Blob Blev said politely, 'But I'm afraid thats the way things are. We will have censor some of the players names, they are just downright offensive. I know it's hard to believe, but some people are offended when they go for a pee.'

'Very well, but just get on with it. Pish Storie will be here any minutes now to discuss this ludicrous contract situation'

'Very well sir. We have three goal keepers at our club. Jerk, Alesspazzo14 and Blind Dick. Jerk is the best of the bunch and I would recommend he is first choice sir.'

'Why is he called Blind Dick?' Muffy enquired.

'Ah yes well you see sir, he's blind.' Blob Blev informed his new boss.

'Blind!' Muffy declared.

'Yes sir. You don't have anything against blind people do you Mr Muffy? I'm afraid that could be construed as being rather offensive.'

'But, he's blind!. How on earth can he be a goalkeeper?' MUffy was incredulous.

'True sir it does present a bit of a problem for sure. Anyway lets move on to the defence. Spaz and Gonner are the right backs - as you can see poor Spaz has a rather unfortunate name sir. We could have him shot I suppose?'

'Shot!?!' Muffy screamed 'I'm not Sir John Stevens you know!'

'Very well sir. The left backs are Attishoo and of course you know Ger. We have five central defenders Beano and DimT are very much on the poorish side but they make decent back ups. Boners is a good enough player but I would recommend a partnership of [b]VELCRAS{/b] and Amacok sir, they get on well and are fairly solid.'

'I hope they don't get on too well' Muffy seemed alarmed, 'If you know what I mean'

'I'm afraid I don't catch your meaning at all sir. That might be construed as offensive and I am programmed to ignore it.'

'Very well' Muffy sighed, 'We'll have to finish this later, Pish Storie has arrived. You can leave now Blob Blev.'

'Very good Sir'

shannon2007

'I just cannot believe there is nothing we can do' Muffy whined, 'It just seems so unfair!'

'We technically, there is something we can do.' Pish Storie reminded his client, 'But do you have the £10M+ that it would cost to do it?'

'You're not really a very good lawyer are you?' Muffy was clearly not happy, 'Did you go to the Iain Bartholomew school of law or something.'

'Hey that's not very fair' Iain Bartholomew said, 'I'm not even in this story.'

Which was not strictly speaking true, as Iain Bartholomew was actually a scout at Ayr United and although not directly in this story, was nevertheless indirectly there by virtue of that fact.

Not that anyone really cared.

'Well that's the score' Pish Storie said as he repacked his briefcase, 'You either cough up £10M or you keep your current squad. Oh and my bill will be in the post.'

Muffy went back out to the training ground - when I say training ground I really mean the street in front of the stadium. His players and coaches seemed to be having a good enough time. They didn't look very good, and what on earth did his former Hyperactive colleagues know about coaching a football team.

But then again, that had never really stopped Gordon Strachan.

shannon2007

'Ok Blob Blev' Muffy sighed, 'Lets go through the rest of this squad. We have a friendly tomorrow and I expect to win.'

'Fair enough sir, now where were we? Ah yes the midfield. Wide right we have VD and.....'

'That's a rather unusual name' Muffy commented.

'Yes sir, it's short for Very Dynamic'

'Ah because he is fast?'

'No because he explodes a lot, has a hot temper. Backing up VD is BenDover and on the left we have Festeringfan2 and Baahbersheepshaggingbastardeen'

'That's a tad offensive to sheep' Muffy pointed out.

'Yes sir but I don't think any sheep will be reading this, given that sheep can't read'

'Fair enough'

'We also have Yorkshiresad who can play on both sides, but he's not really very good.'

'That implies though,' Muffy interjected, 'That some of these players might actually be good.'

'Hmm Precisely sir. Moving on swiftly, we have six central midfielders. I would presume to suggest that Dipstix3 and Fart Wilson are the best here, with Craptor, fanny.starved and knockoffdvd the back ups.'

'Thats only five' Muffy pointed out.

'Oh yes of course sir, there is also me.'

'You Blob Blev? But you are ancient!' Muffy declared.

'Quite true sir, but nevertheless I am registered to play. Finally up front we have Pacemaker8 and Vanparkedus as well as Farrymir, Darkyt, Iwishgaygun and Shag. I think you'll find that, whilst this might not be a team that can beat Manchester United, nevertheless they will do us proud.'

'Lets hope so.' Muffy said plainly, 'We don't want to have to call in Sir John, do we?'

'Definately not, sir'