retired_bbcarr

Euro 2008 Group C
Match 1

Spain vs. Israel
Ernst-Happel-Stadion, Tuesday 10th June
4-4-2: Casillas; Iraola, Ramos, Pique, Lopez; Joaquin, Alonso, Fabregas, Vicente; Torres, Villa

Oh ****. Four minutes gone and the Jews were ahead. Yaniv Katan waltzed straight through our defence and placed his shot beyond Casillas. The Dutch were delighted. Unfortunately for them, that was as bad as it got for us. Torres and Villa both had chances but both spannered the ball wide before eventually we got ourselves level, Joaquin crossing for Villa to finish.

We were all over them, to be fair, dominating a match that Israel’s only chance of winning was through underhand warfare. Still, we couldn’t force a second goal until an inspired double substitution. Luis Garcia and Fernando Morientes made their way on, and moments later, Garcia crossed for Morientes to head home.

We should have won by five or six, the Argies claimed we were lucky, but we knew the truth. David Villa finished off the win when he tapped home from six yards after being set up by Morientes and we were on the road. We will win this thing.

Spain 3 – 1 Israel
(Katan 4, Villa 19, 74, Morientes 65)


Meanwhile in Linz
France couldn’t beat the Cuckoo Clocks. Couldn’t even score. They really are *****.

shannon2007

Group stage matches can be strange affairs. Clearly Italy have what it takes to win the competition but there are two way to approach playing one of your main rivals in the groups. Either thrash the living daylights out of them, and destroy their confidence or play a weakened team and lull them into a false sense of security. I went for the latter approach against the Netherlands.

Seven minutes in, it may have seemed that approach was working as the Dutch scored, but Luca Toni soon restored parity and Vuoso gave us a halftime lead. RvN did bring the Dutch back on level terms on 64 minutes, but they were still celebrating as Toni blasted us back in front and four minutes from the end a stunning run from Andrea Pirlo secured an excellent win. So in the end, we lulled the Dutch into a false sense of security, then battered the crap out of them.

Best of both worlds.

retired_hern1001

A key game up next. Probably the group decider in fact. And it put two completely different footballing philosophies against each other. The all out attack of Dutch Total Football facing up against the ultra-defensive Cattenacio. But the Italians had an imported streak of excellence as well, bringing in South Americans in the hope of winning anything. It shan’t be enough.

With Maduro out, the Dutch were forced to make one change, bringing in Serginho Greene as his replacement. Collins John had served his suspension and would be on the bench. We got a stellar start with Van Nistelrooij roamed through the Italian defence and scoring fairly easily. Luca Toni levelled twelve minutes later after Montolivo was allowed to send in a cross from the byline. The cheating Italians took the lead just before the break when Argentinian Vuoso made it 1-2.

The Dutch switched to 4-3-3 in the second half, hoping to get an equaliser and they did. Once again it was van Nistelrooij who scored after Robin van Persie’s cross. Italy were not really playing a defensive game though and Luca Toni and Andrea Pirlo set the final score at 4-2 to the Italians. A humbling defeat for the Dutch, but with Greece and the Czechs drawing, they’re still in a prime position to progress.

retired_manragh

England

Well not all the England players are crap, Michael Owen snagged four in our 5-3 win over the filthy ****, some say he should of taken the penalty to grab the 5th but whats the point, he might of slipped over and injured himself while taking it, Lampard coverted to put the game beyond doubt and it was just another bit of revenge over them nasty ****

Credit where credits due, Sturridge had a fantastic game aswell setting up 4 of the goals and being awarded with the assists, it seems we didn’t Shrek in the side after all, Huddlestone played well in the guts too which was handy, could have been a bit better but he’s young a will learn.

England 5 – 3 Germany

Just the game against Serbia now and no doubt we will shoot ourselves in the foot for that one, so no real expectations here.

retired_bbcarr

Euro 2008 Group C
Match 2

Spain vs. France
Stadion an der Gugl, Sunday 15th June
4-4-2: Casillas; Iraola, Ramos, Pique, Lopez; Joaquin, Alonso, Fabregas, GarcÃ*a; Torres, Villa

These Frogs just can’t play football. Henry, Malouda, Frey, Govou, they’re all *****. Everyone was convinced that underachieving Spain would lose to the French, but I kept the faith. Only one change from the Israel match, Luis Garcia doing enough to claim Vicente’s place in the side.

We began well, Torres and Villa causing problems but not enough to score goals. Henry briefly gave the French hope with a wild shot that flew wide of Casillas’ goal, but before long the inevitable happened. Torres played Villa clear and the nailed-on certainty for the top goalscorer award slotted his shot past Frey.

We controlled the second half as well, though whilst we only had a goal advantage, there was always the chance of an upset. Morientes came on for Villa to sort that out though, Torres again playing provider for the over-the-hill Sevilla frontman, who tucked a neat shot beyond Frey’s grasp.

The Frogs hit back quickly with a goal from Sidney Govou, but it was to no avail as Casillas held firm for the remaining twelve minutes and saw us to victory. Qualified for the quarter finals after just two games. We really are going to win this ****.

Spain 2 – 1 France
(Villa 37, Morientes 75, Govou 78)


Meanwhile in Vienna
The Israeli’s kicked their manager out of the stadium just as he took his seat on the bench, apparantly it looked like he had died, and they didn’t want him stinking up the place. Another goalless borefest played out, leaving Switzerland in pole position to claim second spot. But then they do have to face us next.

retired_hern1001

The final group match saw us match up with the Czechs. Normally they’d be considered a formidable opponent, but with only a draw needed to get through, it shouldn’t be that difficult. Talismanic striker Ruud van Nistelrooij led the way with an opening goal in the 14th minute, converting Van Persie’s cross, but the Czechs hit back straightaway through ketchup man Marek Heinz.

The Orange brigade continued to press forward, but Petr Cech was on hand to deny van Nistelrooij while Robben found the sidenetting. On 28 minutes, though, the Dutch celebrated again. This time, it was van Persie who had the ball in the net, from Robben’s cross. With a lead at halftime and a draw enough, John Heitinga came off carrying a minor knock. Still, it was all the Dutch in the second half, but they were unable to add to their tally. And then, in the fifth minute of injury time, disaster struck when Tomas Rosicky put in a free kick from the edge of the area. 2-2 the final score, but enough for the Dutch to set up an encounter with Portugal in the quarters.

Time for some Euro 2004 revenge.

shannon2007

The final match of the group was fairly meaningless with a place in the last eight secured and the Greek's on their way home. Holland had ripped this side apart, but we were much more conservative and goals in either half from the impressive Luca Toni and Brazilian Amauri was enough to secure an less than impressive win. Still three matches, three wins and we can't be unhappy with that.

Turkey sit in wait in the last eight, and if we come through that it's probably a match up with Simon's Spain side to secure the right to play the Dutch in the Final. One thing is for sure, we will need to up our game if we are going to come away from this with the trophy.

retired_gabachitalinda

‘What happened there?’

I’d just woken up in the dressing room. I didn’t know what time it was & the last thing I could remember was sending the lads out for Kick-off & then drinking something…

Jez…Who passed me it, what was it…

The next thing I see is an Israeli FA official:

‘The kitman was a member of Mossad… They do this with non Jewish managers.’

My mind races with different things. The dream I had. How much do I value my life? What was the score?

In the end I figured 3 things:
It was only a dream
Not a lot, if I quit I was an unemployed postman
3-1 Spain.

So, I continued my job. Albeit as a recluse.

Israel V Switzerland

With Spain beating France. If we could somehow nick a win against Switzerland, qualification could be on.

‘Ah shoot!’

I woke up. The same thing had happened again…

This time I’m still not sure how it happened.

Israel V France

I was accosted outside the ground. Held up by 2 heavies & another 1 pulled a gun on me.

‘This time, you’re not getting up’

I didn’t.

retired_bbcarr

Euro 2008 Group C
Match 3

Spain vs. Switzerland
Wankdorf, Wednesday 18th June
4-4-2: Casillas; Iraola, Ramos, Pique, Lopez; Navas, Zapater, Fabregas, GarcÃ*a; Morientes, Villa

Mmmmm, Swiss cheese. For all the use they were, my team might as well have been made out of it. As with the Israel match, we conceded after four minutes, this time to Philipp Degen. The difference was that against the Swiss, we didn’t come back.

We should have done, we had enough of the ball, but every time we got thirty yards from goal, Torres, Villa or Morientes insisted on spannering the ball high into the stands. How do you shout, “Don’t shoot from distance, you twats.� in Spanish?

They didn’t get the message, they barely made the Swiss keeper make a save. We’re likely to get England in the quarter finals. That’ll be fine, they’re worse than Switzerland, but Italy in the semis could well be too big a problem to overcome.

Spain 0 – 1 Switzerland
(Degen 4)


Elsewhere
Israel drew with the French. Not much of a surprise, neither of them are very good. Apparently that's not true. Someone tells me the French won five-nil. It's all lies.

retired_manragh

England

When I told the players we should only need a draw to get through, I didn’t expect them to turn in the crap performance they did, it was the most boring game I’ve ever seen in my life and I almost fell asleep a few times.

0 shots we had, that’s right not one effing shot all effing day, a bloody woeful performance all around, still it was 0-0 despite the crap game which meant we snuck through to play perpetual underachievers Spain in the quarters, not even worth showing up if you’re a supporter although both teams suck arse so there might be some goals atleast!

England 0 – 0 Serbia