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Old 10-12-2007, 11:54 PM   Broken Dreams Post #21
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Quote:
Originally posted by BobBev:
Some constructive criticism if I may.

1. The letter i should always be capitalised.
2. Words such as ive, hes and im should really be I've, he's and I'm.
3. Sentences start with a captital letter.
4. Take a little more care with your layout, adding a bit more white space (blank lines that is) and perhaps putting speech in italics for example.

All of the above will make what you write easier for us to read. The content itself isn't too bad - I've certainly read worse - but as it is it looks very unappealing and as such actively discourages readers.

Hope this helps.
much appreciated. it was a bit rushed as I wantted to prove what I can do, but starting tommorrow I'll lay it out more reader friendly, and add loads more to the story
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Old 10-12-2007, 11:58 PM   Broken Dreams Post #22
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Quote:
but i think i might not make stuff up like my wife having miscarriage and that, im gonna keep it real
You can write that sort of thing and keep it real - see PM's The Strands of Time for an example.

But there's plenty of folks who write basically exactly what comes up in the game and have great success with it, for example, Faramir's From the Fringe - Holyhead Hotspur.
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Old 10-13-2007, 05:28 PM   Broken Dreams Post #23
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I keep my hands firmly planted in my pockets and keep telling myself that no matter what what this game throws up at me, I'm gonna keep them there. This is the first time I've seen us play in the flesh after Rice took care of the pre- season, and things are looking alright.

Arsenal are stroking the ball nicely here, it's Fabregas on the left hand side of midfield, looking for a pass, he stutters on the ball and picks out the run of Adebayor, who turns Woodgate .....and he strokes it into the back of the net ! Goal for Arsenal !!!


I turn to look behind me, up into the crowd. They go wild with ecstacy jumping around, punching the air. I turn back to the pitch as I see Adebayor being congratulated by the delighted players. This is a good start, but I'm not going to get carried away nor am I going to let the players either.


Half an hour now gone, 20 since Adebayor's strike and Arsenal are under pressure. Downing with the ball for Boro' he jinks one way past Sagna and then another he floats in a cross, punched away by Lehmann, but it falls straight for Aliadiere!!! He slams it against the crossbar and it falls to Toure who puts a boot through it , but it's not a great clearance as Tuncay has it 20 yards, he looks to thread a ball through, but it finds it's way to Lehmann.


That's ok, we're still ahead, just keep it tight at the back and it's nearly half time.


There is the half time whistle with Arsenal leading Middlesbro' by 1 goal to nil, a pretty even game, yet Adebayor's goal has the home side in pole position.


I tell the boys they're doing well,but they don't seem to be paying much attention. I tell them to just continue what they're doing.Kolo Toure steps up.
"Come on boys, this is a win, definite ! Lets make sure we get it !"
I wipe the sweat off my brow, I'm only half way through.


Arsenal kick-off this second half, looking to get this season underway with a victory, something they faioled to do last season. The Gunners' boss takes his place on the touchline is his dark suit, he dares not smile, not while there's only one goal in it.

The fans are singing, they're going through each individual member of the team. They sing Lehmann's name, then Sagna's right throught up to Van Persie. They even continue by singing Pat Rice's name, but not mine. I wait to hear it....but I know there's no point.


10 minutes gone in the second half, Arsenal looking for that all imortant second goal that will kill off their opposition. Hleb jas the ball at his feet, he plays a neat one - two with Gilberto and dribbles down the right hand side, he swings in a cross, it hits Pogatetz' knee and falls to Van Persie! Saved by Schwarzer, he pushes it away with one hand and it's cleared by Woodgate, and now with a chance to counter it's Mido. He skips past Van Persie and then Eduardo, he sends a long ball up to Tuncay who makes a brilliant knock down header for Downing who knocks it to the left hand side of the penalty box and plays a hard low ball for Aliadiere who chips it! Over Lehmann, but he's denied by the post and it's picked up by a relieved Jens Lehmann. That's a real scare for Arsenal and all the Boro' chances seem to be falling to the former Gunner man.


****! What's going on! The wind sends a shiver down my spine. My hands are shaking. I pull them out of my pockets and rub them together, then put them together in a praying position, before suddenly yanking them away from each other as I remember thousands of pairs of eyes are watching my every movement. I know I need a win first game of the season to try and win the fans onside.


Arsenal have looked shaky at the back today, but they lead know with 8minutes remaining. Fabregas in the centre circle, he's being forced back by the excellent Downing, he lays it back for Toure. Kolo Toure punts it long first time, and now the substitute Menez has it on the right, he's behind the defence. Dribbling over the half way line, and now he's 30 yards out, he crosses it in the middle for Adebayor, Woodgate tracking back gets his head on it and it falls back to Menez, left hand side of the box. He drills it across goal, and Schwarzer comes to collect, but Van Persie's ahead of him and he scores at the near post ! 2 - 0 TO ARSENAL !!! The substitute and new signing Menez played a big part in that and the Gunners look on course to collect 3 important points.


Thank God for that! I decide to finally take my seat in the dugout next to Pat Rice who pats me on the back. I put my head in my hands and use them to slowly wipe away the sweat on my cheeks. We've done it. For the first time today I'm actually excited. Menez on as a sub looks good, and once I get that work permit for Aguero, the two will really cause waves in this league, I know it.


Arsenal are in cruise control and stroking it about nicely here, Fabregas in the cenrte circle gives it short to Eduardo, he dribbles forward and lays it to Clichy who's come forward, back to Eduardo, he lofts it to the chest of Van Persie, he brings it down. Robin Van Persie strides forward in the sunshine past two defenders. Inside the box, he looks up, there's Adebayor making a run, but he opts to shoot......Brilliant. That is just an absoloutely brilliant finish, curled into the far corner and Arsenal are on fire. Van Persie in particular. The Arsenal players all congratulate the Dutch man and I'm sure that's a huge weight off their shoulders.


I make my down the tunnel with mixed feelings circulating inside of me. Sure we won, and I'm glad of it, that'll keep the fans happy, at least for a few days until that Champions League Qualifier in Turkey against Fenebahce. That'll be tough, Ziko the manager a legend as a player, but I'm ready for it.
However after the game, half the team practically ignored me when i said well done, I'm talking mainly about Adebayor, Lehmann and Gilberto. I've got a feeling I'm a long way away from winnig over the boys' trust, but there's only one place to start, and start we have.
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Old 10-13-2007, 07:46 PM   Broken Dreams Post #24
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Wow, that's a unique (in a good way!) approach, very creative, alternating the match with your thoughts, made an almost poetic rhythm and got me emotionally involved .. I'd certainly read more!
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Old 10-13-2007, 09:34 PM   Broken Dreams Post #25
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kool, but i think i need a proper name for a start...maybe i should start a new thread ?
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Old 10-13-2007, 10:20 PM   Broken Dreams Post #26
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If you let me know what you want the thread name to be, I'll change it quickly before Raptor updates his index. That shouldn't cause any problems.
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Old 10-14-2007, 06:25 PM   Broken Dreams Post #27
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if possible, could you change it to 'Broken Dreams' - the name of my story
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Old 10-14-2007, 06:37 PM   Broken Dreams Post #28
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Yeah, that looks like an improvement from when you've started.

Good work.
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Old 10-14-2007, 07:06 PM   Broken Dreams Post #29
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A contender for most improved writer! Or at least quickest improved writer.
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Old 10-14-2007, 07:30 PM   Broken Dreams Post #30
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count blake... on a forum-wide moderating note: please change your "from". Wishing to stab people is not an attitude desirable to these forums, or indeed society in general.
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