shannon2007

No there's just too much to say and I'm convinced you'd listen, prove me wrong :p

shannon2007

NOT convinced obviously.

retired_redheadjr

ill listen if you teach

shannon2007

Ok I'll take your word for it as a Count.

Your main mistake is this, you're not using the shift key. Your story needs more detail, you don't need screenshots, describe to us what's happening, make your game come to life!

Lets see if you can sort that bit then we'll take it from there.

retired_redheadjr

i get you...ok im ready to go...first game of the season v Boro

retired_redheadjr

i take one final breath of warmth, because i know it may be all ive got to get me through the next 45 minutes of my life. The boys look into my eyes as if expecting a cry or passion, an upeat roar, maybe a small cliche just for the sake of it. i look at them back with a cold hard expression that lest them know they're not going to get it. the bell rings, but its still in my ears... i need to get onto that pitch now, before this room swallows me up in a pit of black nothingness. i turn for the door, but i feel a hand on my shoulder. i turn to look into the eyes of my newly appointed captain Kolo Toure.
"We'll do this gaffer !" i smile a small , slow smile.
"i know you will" i hang around as the players make their way out , through the tunnel onto the pitch, i feel sick, i punch my stomach, dont let me down now !. Its time.


i take those long hard steps and here i am. the dark has been eclipsed by the light and that sound from the ground, its everywhere, as if the four corners of the earth are still, watching my every movement. i lift my head up, looking into the faces of each of those 60,000 fans. Its time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn.

I walk over pitch side, to my opposite number Garet Southgate, hes new in the job as well, it helps b ut not that much, its hardly the same situation. im breathing hard, my chest pumping fast it tells me one thing.....showtime

retired_w0lfpack1

Hey, now that last bit was writing. Could use some capitalization but its not half bad! I liked the alliteration in "I smile a small, slow smile", and the description of both light and sound on the ground..

shannon2007

Excuse me this is my pupil :p

Ok Count you have the basics, now use the shift key, capitilize the letter I and also at the start of sentences, you've done it in some places. And pay attention to spacing as I've shown you below.

retired_redheadjr

thanks ill put in a few games tommorrow afteroon, but i think i might not make stuff up like my wife having miscarriage and that, im gonna keep it real . and if that means fining my players to keep it interesting... :cool:

retired_amyslack

Some constructive criticism if I may.

1. The letter i should always be capitalised.
2. Words such as ive, hes and im should really be I've, he's and I'm.
3. Sentences start with a captital letter.
4. Take a little more care with your layout, adding a bit more white space (blank lines that is) and perhaps putting speech in italics for example.

All of the above will make what you write easier for us to read. The content itself isn't too bad - I've certainly read worse - but as it is it looks very unappealing and as such actively discourages readers.

Hope this helps.